Monday, 6 October 2008

33 weeks 2 days - dad's visit, jealousy issues (sigh), etc.

Thanks for your sympathy over the heartburn and pelvic pain, I don't know if I made it sound worse than it is, because I really wasn't expecting it! The heartburn often doesn't strike at night, and the pelvic pain is now slight enough that it doesn't disturb my sleep very much, if at all. It's just occasionally during the day heartburn'll creep up on me and then disappear again within a few minutes. Something I'll tell the midwife about next Monday though (3 weekly appointments! And after Monday's it'll be only 2 weeks away!) is that in the last 2 weeks I've had a couple of instances with diarrhoea. I don't *think* it's anything to worry about, although I've only had it twice I am finding quite often I get the pains associated with it until I *ahem* fart or go to the toilet. (Sorry!!) And both times I am finding it provides me with quite a lot of relief as it gets rid of the pain.

I was looking at a diagram of how the internal organs move to during pregnancy to make room for the rapidly growing uterus (which is now about 1000 times the volume of it's pre-pregnancy size!), and I'm not surprised I'm having errr... "digestive track problems" seeing as the majority of my intestines are squashed up above the baby.

I saw my Dad and his wife yesterday, we treated them to a roast dinner of lamb (which came with rosemary and garlic on it, good ol' tesco - it was friggin delicious!) on our new dining table. We had a lovely time, I did end up feeling rather bloated, followed by the second lot of diarrhoea aforementioned, and played a few games on the table after.

Although something bothered me slightly, which is probably completely and utterly irrational and something I probably blew up in my mind out of proportion due to pregnancy hormones, or jealousy, I don't know... Dad mentioned that around the time when Robert is due, he will be up in Chester, visiting Stephen and Nicky, as it is Ewan's birthday then also. But the way he said it seemed to me like he was implying that "If Robert is born while we're up in Chester, we're not going to leave to come see him." He didn't actually say the words in the quotes, but what he did say sounded like that to me. It just makes me feel like Robert is always going to be a second-rate grandson to him, if something is happening with his first grandson, Ewan, then Robert will have to wait. Maybe this is just a feeling I get because my Mum seems completely the opposite - she has said that if Robert is born while they're up seeing Ewan, she will drop everything and come over as soon as he is born to see him, and has told Nicky such as well. Dad has simply said that he will come over "as soon as he's asked", but implied that it's as long as it's not going to interfere with Ewan's birthday celebrations. Am I completely crazy to be reading so much into this? I mean, it's not as if I even particularly want him to drop everything like Mum is doing (I didn't ask her to either, but it's what she WANTS to do). I don't know, it might just be Dad's general "tactfulness" or lack thereof that's bothering me most, maybe he could have made it sound better to me.

I am now really hoping that Robert's birthday will fall at least a week away from Ewan's. So that way, in the future, it won't always be a "Ewan's birthday party vs. Robert's birthday party" thing. It's not as though we're even close enough to "share" birthday parties. And even if they did share a birthday, who's to say they'd even want to share a party as they got older?

Part of this I'm sure is because of jealousy. Urgh, I hate it, but I'm still not over this whole jealousy thing. Even though I'm getting a baby now too. I'm still annoyed at Nicky for lying to me for months and months about the fact that she wanted a baby (when she kept telling me she didn't). I know why she lied to me now, but I still don't understand it, and I think had she just told me the truth I probably wouldn't have half the jealousy issues I have now! Although, lie or truth told, I might still be feeling this thing over Ewan being more important than Robert in the eyes of my Dad. But I am *so* grateful that my Mum seems so wonderfully excited, and that Mum is willing to leave Ewan's birthday party to come and see her newest grandson as soon as he's born. It just hurts a little that Robert's Grandad only seems to want to come see him "out of duty".

I've not really talked to Jonathan's parents about when Robert is born, they've not really brought it up, perhaps because they feel uncomfortable asking. Or maybe because they just feel they don't want to intrude until they're asked. I might get Jonathan to bring it up with them, or maybe we'll talk about it with them next weekend (it's his Dad's birthday next Monday!).

Anyway, I feel a little better for having got it off my chest. And despite the feelings that comment Dad made brought up, the whole day was thoroughly enjoyable. We played a few games of Rummikub, followed by a game of Zombie Fluxx (which after a loooooooong time playing, I eventually won!), followed by a game of Perudo which we'd had for YEARS as a gift from Jonathan's sister, but never played before.

Although, despite having not done a lot other than sit around eating, drinking (going to the toilet 3 or 4 times) and playing games, I felt absolutely exhausted. I've not done the washing up yet from it, but I felt so completely tired at around 8.30pm, I couldn't even sit up at the PC, went downstairs to see what was on telly, and after a while Jonathan came down too and we put on Finding Nemo to watch. About 10 minutes in I found my eyelids drooping, but I was determined to watch the film, and instead went to bed as soon as the movie was over, at around 10.30pm. And slept until 10am this morning too. I simply cannot remember the last time I felt like I wanted to curl up and go to sleep for the night before 9pm!!

I then had an odd dream where it felt like I was back in school, and there were all my old schoolfriends there, but I was pregnant, and because I was pregnant, all my old friends were avoiding me. At one point in the dream I remember walking out of the classroom, leaning up against a wall before letting myself slip into a sitting position, and then explaining to one of the boys in my class who came out that I was having a contraction. But the contraction felt odd in my dream, like there was a really hard tennis ball-sized lump at the top of my uterus. The dream went on for ages, it felt, I'm pretty sure at least a week passed in the dream, without the dream cutting off or changing.

I have had a LOT of dreams lately where I have been pregnant, but none (since the very beginning of my pregnancy) where I have given birth.

Right, I'll leave this entry here for now. I'm going to try and get a lot done today, including making a list of things to be done. I think a good time frame to try and get everything ready for Robert's arrival will be the beginning of November. That way it'll give me a little lee-way, and also provide me with a GOAL and a deadline!

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