Musements, a photo :)

Just a quick note to say, period's been and gone, bizarrely enough it was the shortest and lightest one I've had for months since I've given up the pill... The fact that stress made it late can't be a co-incidence. Anyway, we've started intercourse regularly now since I've no idea when I'll ovulate this month. (Something, which J is quite relishing lol - he says in a way he's glad I'm not already pregnant :P )

Thing is I've read that if the man has low sperm count, intercourse TOO regularly can be a bad thing (needs time between to get the sperm to a fertile amount) but we have no idea as to whether J has low or normal sperm count, so I guess we just keep doing it and see what happens.

Just trying to keep myself focused on moving right now - and not on whether or not I'll get pregnant. I don't want to get myself worked up like I did last month. So.... NO early testing, in fact, no testing at all until I'm a few days late for my period. Ideally, if I was to time my pregnancy, I'd like to become pregnant so I have a march - may baby, but I've been waiting so long, we're trying now... and hey, we might be waiting that long anyway. It takes some women months and months to conceive. But if we have a November or December baby, so be it :) I don't mind.

Also, something I realised recently which I was quite surprised at... I wouldn't MIND if I had a boy... I always thought how I'd love to have girls... and how disappointed I might be if on the day, I found out I was having a boy... but NOW... I feel happy, excited. It doesn't MATTER to me whether I have a boy or a girl. Although, I would like one of each at least. Although I think J is still warey about having more than 2 children. It seems that most marriages in our family have a maximum of two children... my uncle had 4, but with 2 wives, same as my step-mother's father... And Jonathan's family also, he has no cousins, his father was an only child and his maternal uncle doesn't have any children. The only family I know with 3 children is my step-mother's brother... he and his wife have twin girls, and a boy, about 17 months later.

Myself, I don't know how many children I would want. I don't know how I'll feel about pregnancy, how I'll feel about having babies, until I have one. And I know I want ONE. And I don't want my child to be an only child, so I'd want two. But after that... I don't know, I'll have to see how I feel. How well I think I would cope, whether two children will be "enough". There is an absolutely GORGEOUS picture of J with Ewan, my nephew, it made my heart swell.. I think in all of them I look gormless and bleugh... but this one....

Lots of news, mainly about my nephew Ewan

My period has come :) How funny that I'm glad it's here, better late than never (well ofc unless you're pregnant :P ). I guess this month will mark the first full month of "trying" since last cycle we started half way through, I may have already ovulated before we started trying.

The contract signing went well, we have a provisional completion date of 14th March, which was 4 weeks from when we signed. We could have completed at the end of the month, but this way we have more time to sort out address changes, packing, etc etc :)

I guess this next piece of news will fit nicely here, since it is my TTC journal, which is traditionally about trying, and babies, etc. I saw my nephew for the first time last weekend since he was born last November. He was 10 weeks old, and I was so scared that I would be all weepy and broody and yeuck when I went there which would have affected the weekend terribly, but I only had one weepy moment, which was when I was holding him, and he stared straight into my eyes, and held my gaze, and then started to smile. :) He is such a beautiful baby :) He has his daddy's (and my!) chin hehe. I had held him for a while a bit before, but his eyes were everywhere, looking at everything around him. I had lots of cuddles with him on Saturday, I even managed to get him to stop crying a few times, by standing with him, jiggling and patting him. My brother took lots of photos of me with Ewan, and also with J and Ewan.

J seemed a little nervous, he was happy to hold him while sitting down, but didn't want to stand with Ewan, so when Ewan started getting a little fidgetty from not being able to see very much, J wanted me to hold him while standing. I'm sure he'll "loosen up" a little with babies once we have one of our own. He'll be great with babies once he becomes fully comfortable with them.

I still have a few concerns. One, being breastfeeding. I really REALLY want to breastfeed, and I just hope that the fact that my mum couldn't breastfeed my brother isn't hereditary - she said she didn't have enough milk to feed my brother. Which is exactly the same problem my sister-in-law is having with Ewan at the moment. My mum said that when I was born, she had loads of milk, but didn't want to breastfeed because of her bad experience with Stephen.

The other is lack of sleep. I don't know how I'll manage on 3 hours of sleep a day (which is usual for my sister-in-law at the moment). I'm guessing you just get used to it after a while, but I think I will have to prepare while I am pregnant by cutting down my long hours of sleep I have at the moment. I am too used to lie-ins, which I know half of the sleep I currently have will be a luxury once we have a newborn.

My sister-in-law was saying how she has no idea how people manage to deal with a newborn in addition to toddlers, since right now all of her time is taken up by Ewan. I think if she knew you, Alice, she'd think you were a hero! ;)

Period coming, house signing tomorrow

I think my period is coming - which is a big relief :) Lets hope it comes properly in a few days :)

Tomorrow J and I are signing the contract for the new house. It's very exciting, and I guess I shouldn't be in any rush to get pregnant as there'll be a lot of things to sort out for that, and when it happens, we'll be settled and can concentrate on getting the house "baby friendly". For now, it's exciting enough knowing we're moving to a house that's great, and where it WILL be big enough to have a baby or two ;)

I am a little concerned though about my cycle with this delayed period. Will I ovulate this cycle? Will I ovulate next cycle? I don't know what this stress could have done to it all. I guess J will be getting his way afterall - just doing it every two days when I'm not bleeding regardless ;) I might start to fertility chart when I get this bleed. Although I am two weeks late for my period now. We'll see what happens. I never realised how important it was to do what people were saying "relax and just enjoy it".

Anyway, hope you all have a happy valentine's day!

Not pregnant

I'm about 99% certain now that I'm not pregnant, although my period still hasn't come. I'm trying my best to forget about it, and I think that from now on, I'm going to try not to think about getting pregnant very much - it's getting me stressed which is being detremental to my chances of conceiving. So I might be in touch here every now and then, but I think primarily this diary will be used as a pregnancy journal for when I do get pregnant. I will let you know of course any major changes, and of course when I get the BFP!

For now though, I think I'll be less stressed if I don't dwell on every detail too much, which will only be good for my chances. But for now, I'm going to focus on moving house, and relaxing, and having fun with my husband! ;)

Irony

Well, I'm 6 days late for my period. But I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. For one, the clearblue I took this morning came back BFN and I should have been positive by now if I WAS. Second, the last two weeks I have been UBER stressed, with the "am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant?" stuff, plus an argument I had with my sister-in-law. I've just been so completely uptight about this that I've completely screwed up my chances for conceiving for the next goodness knows how long :( Who knows when my period will show up now?

I phoned up the doctor and she said that I should wait for a few days and test again (I really don't know what good that'll do) and call back on Monday.

I'm also due to go to my sister-in-law's at the weekend to see my nephew, I'm dreading it for some reason... Urgh that sounds horrid. But also with this stress thing, if I get too worried about when my period shows up or if I'm ever going to conceive... Basically what I've been doing the last two weeks. *sigh* I told her it'd be best if we didn't stay over at their house if we go up because of my stressedness. (is that a word? lol)

Now I think I just need to focus on remaining calm, and every time I start to feel stressed, go and lay down, relax, etc. I just feel lately that I'll be about to burst into tears at any moment. And here was me thinking a while back it was because I was either pregnant or about to start my period. Hah.

Still no period

Okay.... still no period. But... also still no BFP (big fat positive). Just a load of BFNs. (Five to be exact) Although, I didn't test this morning - fed up of wasting these tests! I really REALLY wish I'd been monitoring start and end dates of my periods since I came off the pill in June. Instead I only started in October. So I only have about 3 months where I know how long my cycle was. The last two months were 28 days, and the cycle before that was 32 days. If I get my period today, I'll have just had another 32 day cycle. But I've had No. Sign. of my period whatsoever. I usually get a little spotting just before my period, but right now - nada. Nothing.

I suppose it IS hopeful then that I'm pregnant. But why haven't I had a positive test result if I am?? It's probably for the best anyway, but right now I'm just thinking "oh for goodness sake, I'm obviously not pregnant, just give me my damned period already so we can start trying next month sooner." Which is probably a good way to be feeling, as it will mean if I AM pregnant, horrah! And if I'm not, then I'm expecting it. But it WILL mean that if I AM... I will be about 5 weeks pregnant before I even know!

I am going to test again on THURSDAY if I haven't got my period by then..... and organise an appointment to see the doctor for Friday no matter the result. (If I'm pregnant, I have to go to them and inform them, right? And if I'm not, I'll want to get a check up to see why my period is a week late)

This waiting and seeing is making me go crazy :(

Period due yesterday (possibly)...

Okay, still no period (or any sign of it - no spotting or anything which I usually get a day or so before my period starts properly) and it was due yesterday. Alice and Megan stopped by (which is sooo great, thank you guys :D ) and they think the spotting I had several days back was a good sign. It was more like brown tinted cervical fluid, but I hope it's still a good sign...

After three negative tests over the last week I didn't test today, I think I'm going to just wait and see - if I don't get my period by Monday I'll test again. Although I am still really expecting my period to show up. I'll be so lucky if I am pregnant this month, and so surprised... but also so happy. It feels like I've been waiting forever for my period.

Is this what it was like for you guys when you were TTC? Feeling all jittery and on the edge of your seat for like... a whole week? Keep thinking it should have shown as positive by now if I am - which is why I think I'm not, but then the spotting before, and lack of spotting/period now makes me think I am.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!