Daniel is here!

Well, here comes Daniel's birth story. Yes I know as I start this, he isn't even 24 hours old. But this story is amazing and I don't want to forget any details!

First off, the general details.

Induction started at 8am by breaking waters.
Born at 11.59am in the birth pool.
Weight: 9lb 9oz

What is amazing about this birth story is that at one point, there was a very real possibility that I might have had an emergency (under GA) cesarean. But that the issue was resolved, and I went on to have a water birth.

I got checked in to a standard room, and after a while, the midwife came back in having looked at my birth plan and asked if I would be interested in using the birth pool. I said that possibly for the first stage, probably not to birth in though. Anyway she showed us through to what was called the "Serenity Suite". It was lovely, twice the size with a birth pool down one end, shower and toilet in the room, music players, mood lighting. I instantly felt wonderful and positive about the experience. We settled in and then we were told that a consultant would break my waters for me. When my waters were broken, the doctor who did it was concerned because Daniel's hand was up by his head, and the head wasn't very engaged, meaning that his hand could creep up and end up in a superman pose. (Which apparently would indicate the need for a cesarean.)

After a while, a different consultant came in with 3 other people (seemingly just observing our conversation) to say they wanted to put me on the hormonal drip to induce contractions to encourage the head to engage and hope it pushed the hand back down. After a short discussion with both the consultant and then Jonathan alone, we decided to risk a c section due to the hand rather than risking a c section due to fetal distress of complications from the drip. We chose to try and engage the head by mobility for half an hour to an hour or so, and then be re-examined to check for the presence of the hand and how engaged the head was.

On re-examination around 9.30-10am, the midwife suddenly became very worried, and said "there's cord there. Jonathan, pull the emergency button". Seconds later, over 6 people (Jonathan reckoned 10+) came rushing in. Tracey, the midwife, told them there was prolapsed cord, and immediately my bed head was lowered, more hands appeared around me "down there". I had a catheter in, a cannula in my arm, I think they used the instrument to open up my vagina so they could see what was going on. They filled my bladder up, took blood, and shifted me onto my left hand side. There was just a flurry of "stuff" happening around me and to me. It was a blur, and all I could think of was "what on earth is happening?" And "oh no, I'm going to go have a c section under general anaesthetic. Prolapsed cord is BAD." And I was thinking about how on earth Jonathan must be feeling too, I kept seeing midwives or doctors faces coming close and offering me reassuring words, or asking me to do something, but didn't see Jonathan. After a while, I heard the magical words "the cord's slipped back down and so has the hand".

Then the consultant who had wanted me to go on the drip earlier put her head close and told me to push hard on the next contraction. I couldn't feel any contractions, but they could tell by the monitor so they told me and I did. I wondered at first if they wanted me to give birth then and there, but then I realised that they just wanted me to get the head engaged to stop anything else coming down past the head again.

The head did come down and engage, and amazingly, thankfully, the consultant then said that with the head deep in the pelvis, there was no room for anything to come back down past the head again, and I was back on for my natural birth!

I stayed on the monitors that were wired in to the machine for another hour. I was quite happy to sit there, I felt a bit like I had been run over by a steam train, and welcomed the excuse to sit, relax, and just stay still. After the hour was up I got up again, and strapped instead to a wireless monitor and was told I'd be able to go in the pool with it, and walk around as I wanted. Since the head was engaged my contractions came on quite strong fairly quickly. Jonathan started to time them on my phone, he started timing them at 10.49am. Between then and 11.34am I'd had 18 contractions. They were coming between every 1.5 and 3 minutes, not regular but very frequent, and progressively stronger. I'd been told I was around 6cm when the cord and fingers had disappeared. I soon had to stop and lean on something, and sway and moan through the contractions. After about 6 or more of these swaying contractions, Tracey asked if I'd like to get in the pool now, and I said yes I would. I didn't think I was very close to birth, but the strength of the contractions meant that I thought it would be nice at that stage. In fact the last contraction before she asked me, I thought I felt the beginning stages of needing to bear down, but I dismissed it, thinking it was way too soon! I then went to the toilet again, did a wee and a poo, but then noticed after the poo that I was definitely starting to bear down, which I told Jonathan about. I got in the pool, and had a few more contractions fairly quickly, bearing down and groaning with them. Tracey went and got long gloves ready, It seemed to go so quickly, although the first few didn't seem to do much in the way I couldn't feel his head descending. But shortly after, I could feel the head coming down. And BOY it felt HUGE! It was so hard, much harder than Christopher's. I could feel it coming down more each time, but it felt almost unbearable with it taking several contractions. I didn't get a break at all with the crowning, it just kept coming, and I couldn't not bear down and keep going. Most of his head came out, I felt like I had to push loads of times to get what was left out - the chin? Then came a short sense of relief, before then the body was coming out. It didn't slip out easily, it felt like it took 5 or 6 pushes to get it fully out. Each time I thought "will it be over with this one? This one?" The relief I felt when the feet came out was just a-maz-ing. I turned over in the pool, lifting my leg up over the top of him, and held the little mischief maker who'd caused so much trouble! Jonathan was crying, telling me how proud he was of me. Sitting there, in the pool, holding my baby who less than 2 hours earlier I thought would be cut out of me while I was knocked out, I was absolutely elated. I did it, it was difficult, but I did it! After a while she cut the cord (she cut it before I would have liked but she had left it a while so better than immediately), and then I went back to the bed to deliver the placenta while I fed Christopher. I cannot remember if I carried him over there or not! While Daniel nursed, I delivered the placenta. It was awful having these contractions while I was snuggling my baby boy, but I immediately knew it was coming when it was, and the relief when it was out, and I knew that was IT. It was over. Completely done and finished. My baby boy was here and safe. He still had some vernix on him, wasn't at all wrinkly, so he wasn't "overcooked" at all. I had a second degree tear again (3rd time), but chose not to have it stitched. The midwife was happy with that, she said it should heal by itself ok.

So there you have it. The very dramatic arrival of Daniel, at 40+15. :)

42 weeks 1 day

So yesterday I went in to be induced. We got there around 9am, and by 10am we had been seen, and I had had a CTG trace. She examined me and I was 3-4cm, my cervix was soft and central, but 2cm thick. And she could feel my waters. So she said that we could head straight to delivery once there was room.

How exciting! We could have a baby by lunchtime, and maybe go home by evening! But nope, we waited... And waited.. I walked, bounced, napped. Then it was 8pm and we still had no news on when we would go down. Finally we were told that we wouldn't be sent down til morning. I was extremely annoyed. And promptly said I was going home then.

They told us that today at 7am we could go straight to delivery. My excitement and anticipation has long since evaporated. It has been replaced by worry and annoyance. If I hadn't had all this pressure on me from day one (well, just before 41 weeks) to give birth imminently, I probably would have had this baby already! This entire last stage of pregnancy has been fraught with anxiety and pressure.

And once more I am scared of everything that could happen. After yet another disappointing day, I just can't imagine this birth going well.

So I'm lying in bed, my own bed at home. And have been thinking and wondering if I'll ever meet my baby, and how all the stress I have gone through these last few weeks would have affected him. Please keep us all in your thoughts today. Please pray that we have a quick and easy birth. X

41weeks 6 days

Following a very very promising night last night, where I had "proper" labour contractions regularly from midnight and throughout the next few hours when I woke, I was SURE I would have a baby in my arms by now. But they disappeared, and I was left disappointed, stressed, and either in tears or on the verge of tears for most of the day.

I have been feeling conflicted the entire day about my induction appointment tomorrow. What is best for us. My feelings of confidence about the birth, my fears, my hopes. I could write it all down here but it would take ages, it's been hashed over so much I feel like my head would explode.

We went over to the inlaws for lunch, and Jonathan called my mum as well to come up for emotional support. After lunch we went out to a fabulous garden centre and mooched to distract myself from my emotions. Then went back to the inlaws and stayed until 6ish when we came back home with my mum staying here overnight.

We (the three of us) had a long discussion once the boys were in bed. My mum didn't give her actual opinion on whether she thought we should go in for induction. But helped bring up matters to discuss. And I'm gutted to have had to make the decision, because I KNOW my body can do it, but the pressure from medical staff is just too much for me to bear thinking about. I've decided to keep the appointment. I've absolutely despised to have to make that decision. I'm gutted beyond words that I haven't gone into labour before the 14 days. And I'm not bearing to hope I might go into labour overnight because I've been disappointed so often and left with dashed hopes.

I'm terrified of going in with Christopher's birth as a likely scenario as to what will happen because his went so well I feel like I'd be setting myself up for more failure. Between now and 9am I'm going to try and prepare myself for the worst. I hate hate HATE that it has come to this.

But maybe it will be alright. And maybe, just maybe, I will be holding my baby boy 24 hours from now.

Thoughts about the birth - mind over matter? 13 weeks

Well, today marks 13 weeks pregnant, which, by any pregnancy calendar, marks my transition into the second trimester.

I can't remember what I was reading, I think it might have been this birth story on Mama Birth. Anyway, after I finished reading it, I had what I would describe as an epiphany. One of those moments where things become clearer and you just KNOW what to do.

I have wanted - to some degree - a home birth with this baby. Part of me thinking so I could "do it right". My first (home)birth did not go to plan. My second birth went beautifully, but was an induced hospital birth. I was thinking "I'd love to try it again, to give birth and do it right. To get the birth I wanted with my first baby.". There were many "if"s though. My diagnosis last pregnancy of gestational diabetes. If I get diagnosed again, what is going to happen to these plans of a home birth? Will I want to risk a home birth? Will I accept an early induction again? Would I do anything differently? Even though I have lost weight, I do think that I will be diagnosed again. And mentally preparing myself for what I will do given the diagnosis. I am being tested for gestational diabetes in 3 weeks time, when I will be 16 weeks. I will have 12 additional weeks to make sure I am controlling it well after being diagnosed, than I had last time.

Now, I know this woman didn't have gestational diabetes, the one in the birth story, but it did just make me think, that this IS the right thing. That I trust my body to provide a safe environment for my baby, and that I will make damned well sure I do what I can to make that a reality, meaning I will control this diabetes, I will make damn sure I am as low risk as I possibly can be despite diabetes. I will trust my body to nourish my baby the perfect amount, to continue to grow my baby well, and to birth my baby when s/he is ready to be born. That if I go overdue, and they are getting anxious, I will go in for monitoring. I will seek out support with people who have been through the same situation. I will TRUST myself, and my baby. And I will lean on my caregivers for help should I need it. I will not be scaremongered. I will research my options and ask for information. If I ask them to elaborate on a risk they perceive me to be subject to, and they are vague or try and fob me off with a non-answer, I will question, and question again. I will ask what the risks are with what they PROPOSE (they will of course freely provide me with the risks of what they DON'T want me to do). I will trust my body and my baby to work together perfectly when the time comes of the baby's own choosing. I will do it.

Guilt

Last night, I read a thread about a TV documentary, in which a mother left her sick child in hospital 3 weeks without seeing her. The comments in this forum thread left me wracked with guilt as it made me think back to when Robert was in SCBU. They were saying how they didn't want to leave their baby's side, that they only took a cigarette break because they could look into the room and see their baby anyway.

When Robert was in SCBU he was there for 5 days. I saw him in the incubator the night he was born, and then went up to sleep. I went down in the morning, and thereafter went to see him every 4 hours. I didn't stay very long really, mainly just to feed him and change him, and settle him back down to sleep again, then left to go back up to my room on the ward. I didn't stay with him all the time, nor did I really feel the wish to. I know that the circumstances surrounding his birth left me numb and unable to bond with him. I know that deep down, the first few days I was thinking "why am I going to see this baby?" because he didn't feel like mine. I think a part of me thought I was a fraud, that the mother of the baby would come along and say "thanks for feeding and changing him for me, I'll be taking him home now."

But even knowing this, I still feel wracked with guilt now, thinking how I was only there for Robert when I was needed to be, not because I wanted to be. I feel awful knowing this, whether it was out of my control or not.

Robert's birth story

On the 22nd November (Saturday) I had been getting irregular contractions for most of the day. Or rather, they would seem regular, and then stop for hours. And feel mostly periody. We went to bed as normal, and then probably around 4 or 4.30am on the Sunday morning, I woke up feeling more contractions, but this time they felt different. I stayed in bed for a while, getting more and more certain that this was it. At 5am, I finally decided to get up and ring the labour ward to let them know I thought I was in labour. They asked me to describe them and as I hadn't been timing them I didn't know if they were regular or not. I was told it sounded like I was in early labour and just to try and get some more sleep for now.

How I got any more sleep I don't know, but I woke up again around 7.30am, they were still coming frequently, and I finally decided to get up and start timing them using the contraction master on the internet. At first I found it difficult to pinpoint the start and end of each one, but after about half an hour I was more certain, and sure enough they were coming around every 5 minutes (well, between 4 and 7) and lasting for about 50 seconds. After about an hour or so of timing them, I phoned the labour ward back, and told them how far apart they were and how long they were lasting. They again told me it didn't sound like I was too far along but they did agree it sounded like I was in labour, and told me they would get a midwife to call us to see if we wanted her to come along and see how far I was. I went back to bed with the phone beside me, telling Jonathan what was happening, and tried to get a bit more sleep while waiting for the phone call. However around 9am or so the doorbell rang, I went and got my dressing gown on and went to answer it, and it was the midwife who had decided to come along without phoning up first.

After observing me for a while, she thought that the contractions I were having weren't doing anything productive, as I wasn't in any pain with them, although I was feeling them getting progressively more intense, I simply was using my breathing techniques to get through them. She listened in to Robert's heartbeat as I lay down on the sofa, and then did an internal to check my progress, and she said I was 4 cm dilated, so evidently the contractions WERE doing what they were meant to! ;) She said it was okay for me to get in the birth pool straight away as soon as it was inflated, and she said she'd go away and come back later, or at 12 if we didn't call her before.

When the midwife went, Jonathan poured me a bath for me to get in while he was sorting out the birth pool, which I just about managed to squeeze into! I stayed in it for a while until I got too uncomfortable with it being so small. While I was in there the midwife called back, asking if it was okay to have a student as well as the two midwives present. I said it was okay, although the room did end up being rather cramped!

The birth pool was being filled from the upstairs taps, and I sat on the sofas, using my relaxation techniques and listening to the music to help me get through the contractions which were becoming more and more intense and difficult to breathe through. I was managing okay though, and still felt positive about the experience.

I got in the pool once it was filled, and it did feel good to be in there where I didn't feel squashed. I wasn't wearing any clothes simply because it felt more comfortable. The midwives turned up with the student (also called Nicola, which was disconcerting if the midwives talked to her), and I did feel a little self conscious at first what with being naked! But I thought �sod it� and just stayed there, focussing on how I was feeling. Eventually the midwife who'd come over before, Jan, asked to do another internal, which she did in the water with difficulty. She said I was 7cm, and more or less as soon as she'd finished, I felt the strongest urge to start bearing down, which scared me a little because she'd just said I was only 7cm! But she simply said �Good!� when I told her.

This I think was where the problems started. I simply wasn't prepared for how it was going to feel bringing him down the birth canal, and because of this I began to hold back, and not let my body do what it wanted to do. The feeling I am referring to, is of course as you will know if you've given birth vaginally, the feeling that you are delivering your baby through your anus instead of your vagina. I was expecting it to happen when the baby crowned, not all the way through the 2nd part of labour. Anyway, for a while I carried on, and eventually the midwife pulled Jonathan out to tell him that things weren't progressing well, and that she wanted to help things along somehow. Jonathan refused, asking her to wait for a while to see if things would speed up on their own. They didn't however, and I was becoming exhausted from the effort of the contractions and getting no progress.

At some point around now I asked them to get my Mum in from outside. She'd arrived several hours earlier and was sitting out in the car so she wouldn't get in our way. I sent her the text when I was 4cm dilated and she arrived much earlier than we were expecting her to.

It took all my energy to move from my back onto my front leaning on the edge of the pool, as the midwives asked of me to try and get things going. Which they did, and I heard them saying with each contraction then how much better things were going, but it still wasn't good enough. They asked me to drink between each one, and I was struggling to simply lift my head high enough to drink from the straw. But as I was going on and getting further along, I felt more encouraged and somehow managed to get some energy back, enough to keep calling out �It feels like I'm giving birth through my arse!�. I moved back into the previous position, and the midwives kept saying how well I was doing. All I remember was feeling like my contractions were on top of each other, being sooo uncomfortable, and that annoying student kept asking me if she could listen to Robert's heartbeat. In the end I did end up actually pushing rather than breathing Robert out, simply because I felt like breathing him out had no effect at all. After a while (it was probably a few hours), Robert crowned, and I could feel the stretch on my vagina. I hadn't done the perenial massage as much as I should have, because I couldn't reach it easily, and I didn't like to ask Jonathan to do it every day. I tried to hold back when I felt it burning but eventually the midwife said to me �"Okay, Nicola, it needs to happen now, he needs to come out" so in the end despite the pain (that's the only bit I really think of as painful still � the rest was simply extremely uncomfortable), I pushed his head out.

They told me that he had lots of dark hair! I almost didn't want to believe it! When I put my hand down, I was quite shocked with what I felt � it felt almost squidgy and slimy. Which was probably to do with the fact his hair was underwater and that makes it feel softer than it would normally! From then on, it took seven minutes apparently to get his shoulders out. I remember pushing and pushing as hard as I could to get them out and they just wouldn't come! I felt like crying because I really was trying my best and nothing I was doing was getting them out. I even tried pushing without a contraction behind me, which was so difficult and of course didn't work.

Then the midwives told me urgently to get out of the pool. Hearing the urgency in their voices made me scared, even though it was so difficult to move in labour, I stood up, keeping my legs apart because of course Robert's head was between them! I squatted ever so slightly, gave a push, and gravity did what 7 minutes of pushing didn't do, and Robert was born apparently with a splash (although I didn't hear it). Someone fished him out of the water, and I held him, briefly. His head was blue, almost black, it seemed to me. The rest of his body was blueish purple. I held him in shock, before the midwives asked me to give him to them, which I did of course, not really thinking. Still attached to him via the umbilical cord, I struggled out of the pool while they grabbed some towels and started vigorously rubbing him. He was limp and just lay there in their arms. I was just standing there in shock, my legs feeling weak yet I thought I couldn't move because of the cord. They started to pump air into him using the hand held bulb thing, and called out for someone to call an ambulance. The door out to the hallway phone was blocked, so I started screaming out for my Mum who was in the kitchen, to get the phone. Before she could hear me and get it though, the student midwife called on her mobile phone for one. But my mum came in, having finally heard me scream, and she was amazing, she sat me down, got me towels to wrap up in, and got Jonathan to come and sit down next to me (at the time he was sitting on the other side of the living room on the floor, crying and begging Robert to start breathing). She kept telling me that Robert would be fine, that he was in the best hands. As much as I wanted to believe her I just looked on as my son lay there limp, blue, the midwives pumping air into his body and occasionally lifting up an arm and letting it drop. I can't remember when he started breathing on his own, whether it was before or after the paramedics arrived. I can't even remember what the paramedics did, other than one of them every now and then turning to us, and asking �"Is this your first child?"� and when we weakly responded �"yes"�, they said �"congratulations!�"

Robert had by then started breathing on his own, although it was very laboured and he was crying with a little whimper. The midwives then turned their attention to me, saying they had to get the placenta out, so they gave me an injection, and started pressing on my tummy to get it to come out. While they were off trying to get something, I gave a push with a contraction I had, and thought I had delivered the placenta from the large splot that I heard � but unfortunately it was simply a blood clot. They ended up getting it out by pulling on the cord. My mum and one of the midwives helped me into a nightie, dressing gown, and some shoes (high heeled sandles as they were the only thing we could find quickly that my swollen feet would go into!), and they swaddled Robert up into a few towels and put him into the carry cot my mum had brought with her! We made our way out to the ambulance, I was so weak I had to be supported by my mum, plus I was walking in high heels which didn't help!

The ambulance trip seemed to last a lifetime, it was uncomfortable, I felt like I kept sliding off, and I felt too weak to do anything. I was sat there on the seat next to Robert, with Jan opposite me, one of the paramedics sitting next to Robert, and being told by Jan that it was okay to cry. I was just in a state of shock, I simply wasn't able to fully comprehend anything, let alone cry! And I was just so relieved when the ambulance arrived at the hospital, and I got into a wheelchair. My mum had driven Jonathan behind the ambulance because he wasn't in a state to drive. I was taken into a labour room, and Robert was taken into intensive care, but I was just so relieved to be somewhere comfortable. Louise, the second midwife, came in to see if I needed any stitches. She pulled out a bit of membrane which was still hanging out of me, and then poked around to see if I needed stitches and Oh My God. That was more painful than giving birth to Robert's head! I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she stopped! Haha. However then another woman came in to actually do my stitches, and again OWW.. luckily it was only her seeing where they needed to be done that was painful, the local anaesthetic and the actual stitches were fine. It helped that my mum was there to talk to me to keep my mind off things.

After I was done, I had a glass of water then went and had a bath. Jonathan went to see his parents quickly and get some bits while I was in there, and then came and found me. After he helped dry me off I got into a hospital gown, went back into the wheelchair and we went to see Robert. I can't remember much of that, I think I was just glad to get somewhere where I could relax and rest after what had been such a long day. It was gone 11pm by the time we'd started on our way to my room, where they let Jonathan sleep for the night as well.

I'm sure I've missed several things out, but I think I got most of the main points. Apparently the cord was constricted (not around his neck, just the cord itself was blocked somehow) which was why Robert had taken in some of the water, the lack of oxygen from the blocked cord must have made him breathe underwater and what with his head being under for 7 minutes.... it's a miracle he's okay. And we owe the midwives who were at his birth so much for saving his life.

News

Jonathan posted photos last night so he told me. Isn't he a cutie?!

Today we had an EEG scan to test his brain waves. All came back normal which is great news. We have an outpatients appointment for his MRI on 5th December.

But the really fantastic news of the day is that they are pleased enough with his feeding that he is sleeping upstairs with me tonight, and if in the morning they are pleased with how he fed they will evaluate whether he can come home! I am so confident with my breastfeeding. My milk has come in yesterday and since 11.30am yesterday (it's now 4.10pm) my little man has eaten nothing but mummy milk! And he seems so content. :)

Jonathan and I are both becoming somewhat adept with nappy changes and dressing him. I also gave him his first bath today as the EEG had made his hair all sticky. That was somewhat nervewracking but we were under the watchful eye of a wonderful neonatal nurse called Angela who has been amazing with supporting my breastfeeding, she also came along to Northampton with us for the EEG.

I'm just so tearfully happy right now. I'm sitting here finally feeling what I thought I'd feel in the first moments after birth. Listening to my son snuffling in his sleep to my side, knowing he'll soon be home where he belongs. And knowing also that after all my worries, I am fully able to exclusively breastfeed makes me happy beyond words! This little man is only 5 days old and already he has given us so much joy. (and heartache, and worry!) I feel so blessed that he is in our lives.

Anyway I'll leave off here. We are going to try and pack up stuff I won't need tonight so J can take it home so we don't have too much stuff to take home tomorrow. I hope I can catch up with all your comments and any J might have missed in printing them out for me soon. xx

Photos

First clothes

There is some great news on Robert today! He's out of the incubator and also off the fluid drip! We dressed him for the first time. He is however taking some formula via tube, as taking milk by cup is rather exhausting for him sometimes.

His crying is getting better and he does seem to be getting more sleep.

Breastfeeding is going okay. I don't know how much mummy milk he is getting but my little champ is doing so well in getting used to taking the breast. I can't believe he's only 3 days old! Sometimes he looks really much older and it does feel like it's been ages since he was born. But when I'm holding his little body next to mine and staring down at his tiny lips and nose, watching his little eyes look around inquisitively, he seems so small and helpless and my chest seems to swell with protectiveness and love for him.

I can't even begin to express how happy and proud I felt when this morning he latched onto the breast without a struggle and began feeding straight away, and stayed there for 35 minutes!

I did have a bit of a tough time earlier though just before lunchtime. The midwife with us was being very patronising and pushy about his feeding routine and I ended up getting very upset over it. Jonathan went down and talked to her about it after I'd told him what I was feeling and came back with what she said. That and a chat we had later with a younger midwife made me feel a lot happier.

It doesn't help I suppose that I'm dealing with tiredness, hormones and separation from my little man. I think also all the visitors we've had recently has exhausted me. That and having to reply to umpteen text messages a day from several people asking how Robert is today. Jonathan and I are going to try and get people who want updates to contact someone else instead of me so we only have to tell one person instead of 5 or so. My mum and sister in law have both sent me texts yesterday and today asking and it's just quite tiring (and expensive!) to keep replying especially as I have too much to say to fit on one message!

Anyway the only thing I can do at the moment is to take one day at a time and hope that one of these one days will be the one where we get to take our son home! x

Cuddles and feeds

Hi everyone! Thank you all so much for the replies! Jonathan printed them out before he came back to the hospital this morning. It really made my day to get so much love from old and new commenters alike.

I am feeling SO much better now, both emotionally and physically. Jonathan is feeling better too. The whole thing was so scary but now we've held him, and he seems to be doing well, it's just such wonderful encouragement. There are still things that need to be kept an eye on, but I'm just on cloud nine with my gorgeous baby boy! We are feeding him now every 4 hours, first putting him to the breast, and then giving him some formula by cup (I insisted not by bottle) until my milk comes in.

We've done two feeds so far. (written at 5.30pm) On the last feed we got him on the breast, and he sucked away beautifully! I was so proud especially since he was latched on perfectly! I just can't wait to post all the lovely photos we have now. I'll try and sort something out with Jonathan so you can all see them soon.

It is just so lovely having him out for cuddles and feeds. We have to change him in the incubator which is a challenge to say the least! I could just gush on and on for ages about him! Let's hope that doesn't change too much when I have to deal with all his crying!

That's one of the main causes of concern because it's not normal crying. It's more like brief high pitched squealing that goes again within a few minutes that the doctors say is most likely from headache from the birth. It has been happening though since his breathing got well enough to make that much noise so they are going to see what happens with it. If the feeding doesn't help with it he will probably need an EEG to see if that sheds any light.

Anyway I'll update when I can via Jonathan's PDA and him transferring it when he goes home of an evening. And hopefully he can get photos on the net soon for you to see. x

Robert is here

Sorry for the long delay in update. Unfortunately everything did not go to plan. I'm writing this on Jonathan's pda from hospital and he's going to post this when he goes home to gather some bits.

Robert Stephen was born at home at 6.37pm on Sunday after approximately 14 hours of labour. I had no pain medication and he was born weighing 10lbs. However he wasn't breathing and had to be resusitated. He was limp and although his heart was beating it took him about 20 minutes to breathe on his own. We were rushed to hospital after Robert had established laboured breathing and whimpers and I'd delivered the placenta. I'll go through the actual birth story another time.

Robert is now in the Intensive Care Unit being monitored to check that his heartrate and breathing remain stable and also to check that he's seizures that were caused by lack of oxygen to the brain get better and don't cause any serious problems. We got to hold him for the first time after birth a few hours ago and he also latched onto the breast and had a little suckle. He wasn't latched on properly but I let him suckle there for a while so he got used to it.

He is such a beautiful baby with deep blue eyes and inch long (!) dark hair. :) J and I have both had difficult times over the last 24 hours as it's been very traumatic and as such we are both somewhat emotional wrecks, especially me what with the long labour, blood loss, stitches and hormones. But I think being able to hold him today has risen our spirits a lot.

We're likely to be in here a while but I do hope I can post photos soon. We really do have such a gorgeous boy and some lovely photos of him. I hope to catch up soon as it's rather bizarre being away from the intrnet for so long. Thanks to you all in advance for your thoughts. x