16 weeks 2 days

Well... I feel like I don't have much to say on here anymore. I don't know why. Anyhow, here's some stuff that's been going on.

1. I've been feeling some kicks - very light, and not as often as I did in the 14 week mark. I know there's nothing I can do, but wait for little one to get stronger before I'll feel his kicks more, as I know I'm probably busy when he is kicking.

2. Heartburn is here. Only occasionally so far, and not so bad I need gaviscon. But yep, seems to be a thing of mine in pregnancy, loverly heartburn!

3. Had my glucose tolerance test. Went and had it done Tuesday morning. Going to get the results next Friday, which also is Robert's 4th birthday, but he'll still be in nursery all morning, so that leaves me free to go and see what the news is.

4. I have been taking belly pictures - but got none online yet. I have a 5 week, 10 week and 15 week to go up.

5. I am definitely packing on weight - I just don't know if it's belly weight or just flab :S I fit in my size 12 jeans pre-pregnancy. I am now starting to get uncomfortable in the size 16 jeans I had kicking about. I have practically zero maternity clothes, due to me getting rid of most of them when I lost weight. Tops I'm not so worried about, although some winter ones would be good, but I definitely need a few trousers/skirts (hah, skirts, me??!!).

6. I am definitely able to feel the baby this time - physically through my skin I mean. With my last two pregnancies I was already obese at my booking appointment, this pregnancy I was, with a heavy cardi on, just a smidge into overweight. Sometimes I seem to "lose" the baby, I'm assuming maybe the baby is laying against my back. But at the times when I can lay in bed and see a bump, I can feel a hard lump, find a smooth line for the back, although I can't distinguish the head from the bum! This morning, baby was laying quite high up, on the right. I could feel the back running along the right hand side, crossing over my belly button which I found quite unusual for this gestation!

7. The study is decorated (minus a few finishing touches - a few patches on the ceiling mainly! Carpet is in, and the computers are down, but the upstairs ex-study is still a junk pile, with lots of stuff needing sorting out!

8. Kitchen has been ordered, with work starting on the 26th November. It'll be continuing for 2 working weeks, hopefully with it being functional after 1 working week.

9. Hormones have been raging! I had one HORRIBLE day last week, where I felt unloved, friendless, useless and so on. I've been feeling much better since, so I'm hoping it was simply hormones!

Aunt Flo

Sooooo... Aunt Flo arrived last night. God, it sure hits home when you've not had a period in almost 2 years!!! I feel so so so BLEUGH, and I hope I get pregnant quickly so I don't need to go through many more periods for a while LOL!

My hormones have been all over the place. Jonathan told me that I've been horrid to live with recently and I know I have as well. Plus the inability to cope with normal 11 month old behaviour. I don't know if this is all due to the impending visit from Aunt Flo, or the fact that I've now been off the anti-ds for about 3 weeks, or a combination of both. I am going to see how things go, and if I still feel bad and unable to cope with what should be simple things I shall go back to the doctor, and see if we can come up with a solution other than go back on the anti-ds. I don't want to be on them forever!

We stayed overnight at Jonathan's parents last night. I am very very glad that I thought to pack sanitary towels at the last minute! We headed off to Bournemouth in the morning to see Jonathan's gran, who is in a home with dementia, we were expecting her to say that she had met Robert before (when she hasn't), but she didn't, and in fact didn't say anything hugely weird all morning, apart from calling Jonathan Robert's grandad (LOL).







He had great fun playing with her zimmer frame!

We then went to the beach for a while, and bought Robert a bucket and spade, which I think Jonathan's dad enjoyed more! But he also saw the sea for the first time! We went for a long walk along the sea and back again, I was exhausted!











He had great fun exploring the beach! (and looking at the pebbles, the sea-weed, the shells, the soggy sand right by the sea, etc!)









We saw Jonathan's uncle as well for the first time since Robert was about 4 or 5 weeks old or so. He seemed a lot more into Robert today than he did back then! (He's obviously not a newborn-person)



You can see Jonathan's uncle in the background here, completely unimpressed with Robert lol! (And he was like that pretty much the whole time!) But he was much more interested in Robert when he saw him yesterday.

On the Friday, we stayed overnight as it was an early start in the morning, so we headed over there in the afternoon. Robert had a fantastic time playing in his grandma and grandpa's garden, it's very big, and there's lots to see, including a stream!

But he loved playing with the rain water in the wheelbarrow...



And playing with the leaves that had fallen off the trees...



And having a ride in the wheelbarrow! (Actually a different one - a dry one lol)





And having a ride in Grandma's gardening trolley!





He just had a lovely time this weekend!

Weepy day yesterday

Yesterday was a bit of an emotional weepy day for me. I guess it didn't help that when Beverley came around for the midwife checkup we got talking about the birth a bit, and she asked how I felt about it. Whenever I think about it I still get upset. She said that the midwives who were at his birth had offered to come over at any stage I wanted to talk about it if I wanted, but I think right now I would just burst into tears and not stop. I think it'll be even some time before I'm ready to write a birth story here, and when I do I'll likely be in tears while writing it. To be honest it's the kind of experience that makes me NOT want to get pregnant again, incase I go through it again. But I am hoping beyond words that it is true that time heals all wounds, and that in time I will be ready to move on and give Robert a little brother or sister. Although that can all wait.

We went on a car trip to see Jonathan's parents last night, had some dinner with them. It was nice to get out of the house although it was quite exhausting, after 2 hours I was ready to go back home. And then as we were putting Robert back into the car (he had started screaming his head off when put in the car seat, even rocking him back and forth wouldn't quieten him, and then as soon as we got outside he stopped, which made us think he was too hot), Jonathan's parents hugged me goodbye, and as Steve hugged me, he whispered in my ear "I'm so proud of you" which made me nearly burst into tears again. I managed to choke out a "thank you" before hugging Betsy and getting into the car, where I also let some tears roll down my cheeks.

The evening was tiring, he doesn't scream incessantly, he's a very good baby really, but boy does he feed. And feed. And feed. Since giving birth, or at least coming home from hospital, my appetite has waned a lot. I used to eat LOADS. Huge portions. Snack constantly throughout the day. Not just when I was pregnant. But now I barely manage to eat three meals a day, which I try and make myself do, for Robert's sake, as he needs me to eat for my milk supply to remain good for him. The day before yesterday all I ate was a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a jacket potato with tinned curry on it for lunch, and two slices of toast for tea. Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal, some sandwiches Jonathan made while I was nursing Robert, (2 rounds, so quite a big lunch), and then a roll and half a bag of crisps at Jonathan's parents.

Another thing I wanted to write about is that since we've been home, in fact maybe as well in hospital waiting to come home, occasionally I've felt ill. Not ill in the sense that I'm sick, but you know when you've done something you know you shouldn't have, or not done something you should have, or are really nervous, and you get that really sicky feeling in the pit of your stomach? I've been getting that a lot. Petrified that it means I'm not going to be able to cope on my own with Robert, that I'll end up spiralling down into oblivion. I know I have Jonathan, I have my Mum, I have Steve and Betsy, all ready to drop anything at a moment's notice to help me.

Anyway, things seem a lot better this morning, partly because my little star of a son decided that he was going to have a MARATHON sleep! We got him to sleep at 11.30pm last night, and he woke for a feed at..... wait for it.... yep it's a good'un.... 7.30am! He slept for EIGHT hours! So we slept for about eight hours too.

Well he's just gone back down for another sleep (hopefully he'll stay asleep!), it's now 10.40am - the entry was kinda cut in the middle to feed him, change him, and bathe him (his first bath at home!). He pooed on the towel as we were drying him - ah well! Little monkey. :) But he's my gorgeous scrumbly little monkey I can't help but fall more in love with him. I absolutely adore his little "baby birdie" expressions when he's rooting around for the breast, and his contented look when he's finally off the breast after a feed. I love looking into his little eyes and wondering what colour they'll turn out to be - I know I said they were deep blue on the first entry I described him, but I think I was just thinking they were blue because babies eyes tend to be blue at birth - his eyes are probably more brown than blue, it's difficult to distinguish his actual eye colour because they do look just a bit murky at the moment. Just simply "dark". They're not really any colour yet.

I'm sorry the first half of the entry was so negative. It's definitely something I'll keep my eye on though, I know if it gets worse I have a large support group to fall back on with my family, you guys, as well as the November due date forum people, and also midwives and other people out there. I guess it'd be a miracle if I did somehow magically get over Robert's birth and be perfectly okay. I just have to realise there's a fine line between emotions and depression, and to make sure if I ever cross it to get help.

First clothes

There is some great news on Robert today! He's out of the incubator and also off the fluid drip! We dressed him for the first time. He is however taking some formula via tube, as taking milk by cup is rather exhausting for him sometimes.

His crying is getting better and he does seem to be getting more sleep.

Breastfeeding is going okay. I don't know how much mummy milk he is getting but my little champ is doing so well in getting used to taking the breast. I can't believe he's only 3 days old! Sometimes he looks really much older and it does feel like it's been ages since he was born. But when I'm holding his little body next to mine and staring down at his tiny lips and nose, watching his little eyes look around inquisitively, he seems so small and helpless and my chest seems to swell with protectiveness and love for him.

I can't even begin to express how happy and proud I felt when this morning he latched onto the breast without a struggle and began feeding straight away, and stayed there for 35 minutes!

I did have a bit of a tough time earlier though just before lunchtime. The midwife with us was being very patronising and pushy about his feeding routine and I ended up getting very upset over it. Jonathan went down and talked to her about it after I'd told him what I was feeling and came back with what she said. That and a chat we had later with a younger midwife made me feel a lot happier.

It doesn't help I suppose that I'm dealing with tiredness, hormones and separation from my little man. I think also all the visitors we've had recently has exhausted me. That and having to reply to umpteen text messages a day from several people asking how Robert is today. Jonathan and I are going to try and get people who want updates to contact someone else instead of me so we only have to tell one person instead of 5 or so. My mum and sister in law have both sent me texts yesterday and today asking and it's just quite tiring (and expensive!) to keep replying especially as I have too much to say to fit on one message!

Anyway the only thing I can do at the moment is to take one day at a time and hope that one of these one days will be the one where we get to take our son home! x

40 weeks - Happy due date, me

Happy due date to meeee *sigh*

I was convinced last night I might be in the throws of labour. We went out for dinner, before we left I was getting strong contractions combined with period pain, I also seemed to clear my bowels out fairly thoroughly while we were there. And after we got home they were still quite strong. I timed a few, but I don't think I was doing it properly but they weren't regular either way. But during the night I got a bowt of insomnia, feeling contractions and period pain but they weren't getting stronger so I was trying to tell myself I wasn't in labour, and just go to sleep, but it was like my mind wasn't listening and kept awake feeling for these period pain feelings. Bah.

Anyway, I eventually fell asleep, although I had to go to the toilet a lot during the night as usual.

This morning I got up (only about 10 minutes ago), went to the toilet, wiped, and what do I see? Mucus plug! Not a huge glob of it, but definitely at least a bit of it. Darker than my usual fluid, plus there was a bit with a streak of blood in it. So yeah, I'm pretty much certain that was some of my plug. Not that it means a lot, I could still be weeks away from labour. Hopefully not WEEKS though, since now I only have 10 days before they will make me go into hospital :(

Well seeing as it's now my due date, I am 40 weeks pregnant today, I'll get around to doing a belly gallery shot today to (hopefully) finish it off before I give birth in the next day or two (hahahaahahha - wishful thinking but you never know!)

Even though I'm getting quite uncomfy, it is a little sad that I'm nearly at the end. I don't think I'll miss all the uncomfiness, like the constant bloated feeling, or the heartburn (which oddly has been getting a little better over the last few days), or the swelling (also getting a little better although this may be simply me not being upright all the time and having lots of naps). I will miss rubbing my belly and knowing he's in there all snug and warm. I will miss his sweet little waves with his arms (it feels so cute feeling his arms move around in there!). I will miss his hiccups. I will miss feeling a foot poking out of the top of my bump, and pressing it back in with my fingers, only to feel it slide elsewhere on my bump!

But I can't WAIT to meet him, to put my fingers inside his little hands and feel him grasp them tight. To tickle his feet for real, to hold him close and aahhhh. :) All that stuff. It won't be long now...

39 weeks 3 days - last night, midwife app, annoyances and a rant

Yes, he's still here in my belly. Intuition was officially wrong now. Ah well.

During the night I woke up feeling odd. Sick. I went to the toilet, and while I was sat there I kept feeling like I really wanted to be sick. I had no bucket or bowl up here so I was trying to think where I could be sick (I tend to be sick when I need the loo, hense most of the time I need a bucket so I can be sat ON the loo while I'm being sick). But then I had some more diarrhoea (had several bouts over the last week or so), and thank goodness the sick feeling went away. But I was thinking to myself that the reason I was feeling sick was because of new hormones in my body from labour. Was in half a mind to phone up the delivery suite then and there and tell them about it, and see what they thought but then decided to go back to bed. Awoke a few more times in the night with an odd feeling but they didn't co-incide with braxton hicks so I knew they couldn't be contractions.

Anyway, odd feelings have gone, Robbie's still in my belly, so it's back to the waiting game.

The midwife appointment went well as usual. Normal BP, urine showed no abnormalities, heartbeat was fine, he measured 39 weeks, was still 3/5, etc etc etc. I told her we'd test inflated the pool so we knew how to do it quickly when the time came, she asked if we'd filled it but I told her we hadn't, but said how long the leaflet reckoned it would take to fill with an on demand combi-boiler system like we have (~40 minutes). She also asked if it came with a thermometer, which it did. I told her it also came with a hose and tap connectors, strainer (nice! haha), floor protector, and other bits and bobs. I hope she's on call when I go into labour, seeing as I know her, and I've never even met any of the other midwives.

Something I forgot to say (if I even mentioned in here before now that we'd test inflated the birth pool), was that when we were in bed we were talking about the positioning of it and stuff, and I said to J "When I saw it there all inflated, I got really excited" he started chuckling and it took me a short while to catch on to what he was thinking! Haha. Dirty minded man! ;)

Oh I do hope this little man comes along soon. I'm always so exhausted from hauling my big heavy body upright and out of bed about 4 or 5 times a night, and my knees are giving me so much grief lately whenever I sit, stand, or go up or down the stairs. Swelling's still around but I've been making a habit to relax a lot during the day and watch telly, so it's not been as bad lately. Have been getting quite grumpy lately. Had a half serious moan at Jonathan last night over whether or not I had understood what he meant when he said he could get 2 more lots out of the toothpaste tube, as he was there brushing his teeth with the one lot I reckoned he'd be able to get out. He meant when I said I thought he could get 1 out, he thought he could get 3 out (so another 2 after that 1 he was using), which I thought he meant, and followed a rather heated erm.. not argument, but maybe indignation on my part that I knew what he meant and him explaining what he meant was a waste of time and did he think I was stupid, etc etc. Eventually we both ended up bursting into laughter so it was all okay. But I am generally feeling less and less able to cope with stupid people, or obnoxious people, or people that just go on and on and on about themselves in a conversation with me.

Some guy I know from yeaaaars ago - about 10 probably, started a chat with me last night, asked how the bump was, and then proceeded to talk about the fact that he'd held some 3 month old baby, told the mother he was going to take the baby home with him, and then met some girl the other day who I don't even know, linked a photo of her (i'm presuming, I never clicked on it), and I was like "I REALLY DON'T CARE! I DON'T KNOW THIS GIRL! I DON'T KNOW THIS BABY! I DON'T CARE THAT YOU HELD HIM! But I would like to see what happened if you DID take him home with you, because you wouldn't be able to cope for even an hour alone with him!" I didn't say this to him of course but I did rant at the computer screen, and in the chat with him simply said "that's nice." "ok" and other non-commital stuff like that. I'm getting increasingly fed up with him talking about random girls I don't know. Note, I said GIRLS not women. This guy is 30. And he has only dated TEENAGERS for the last several years. Several of them supposedly telling him they were 18, or 20, and then turning out to be 15 or younger. Now given that he remained legal, and the parents are okay with this I would have no trouble with the idea of a 30 year old and a 15 year old at all, but every month or so he messages me, acting all heart-broken, and I suggest maybe he find someone he has more in common with - ie someone who works, is able to DRINK, ie, is at least 20, but every time he finds some other teenager. Where he FINDS these teenagers I have no idea. But anyway enough ranting about this guy. Just goes to show my short temper these days, amazing how this guy hasn't cottoned onto it yet hahaha!

And breathe! Heh. Anyway. I might go back to bed for a bit longer. Am still feeling quite tired. And don't worry, I will let you all know as soon as humanly possible when things start moving along!

34 weeks 5 days - still have swelling. Is midwife a liar?

I'm feeling a little upset right now. Swelling is still here, although so far it has followed a pattern of normal in the morning, balloon by mid afternoon. So I thought I'd phone the midwife. What do I get? "Hi, you've reached Beverley. I'm on holiday at the moment until the 3rd November. If it is an emergency, ring this number blablabla"

Well, I can hardly call swelling ankles an emergency. I was just phoning for some advice, and to see what she thought. I know it can be a sign of pre-eclampsia but there's no way to know for sure whether this is it. Because swelling can also just be a normal pregnancy thing.

I just kinda feel deflated and mleh. Especially since hello? We have an appointment with her on 29th October.... So either shes lying, or she's just made an appointment for us to have some complete stranger come to our house and do my antenatal and home birth protocol thing.

Plus the fact that my feet feel like they will burst if I step on something sharp. I just feel like crying, and it seems like such a stupid thing to be crying about. Hormones suck sometimes. Urgh. That is all.

32 weeks 2 days - Hypnobirthing thoughts. Long entry, be warned!

Since our hypnobirthing classes ended at the end of August, I must admit we have been incredibly slack with the practise. The practise being: listening to the birthing affirmations and rainbow relaxation CDs, putting on the background music while Jonathan reads the scripts to me so I get used to being in relaxation to his voice, practising the light touch massage and the relaxation anchors (when he presses on my shoulder with his hand I relax more, when he says certains words I relax more, and so on). Pretty soon I shall have to start with the perenial massages, which will help loosen up my vagina and the perenial tissues ready for labour, meaning I have a lesser risk of tearing or needing an episiotomy.

A big part of the Hypnobirthing philosophy is the belief and confidence in yourself that you can do it. The ability to let go and just let your body do what it was designed to do (yes, that's right, your body is DESIGNED to give birth comfortably, with no pain!). The main obstacle I have found is other people's opinions and passing comments - however well meant these comments are, they are really not what I need to be hearing! Someone who was in my primary school class, who has 2 children now, she said to me "Try not to worry too much about labour, just remember that however tough and painful it is, it will all be worth it when you're holding your baby.". And I know that a lot of the people reading this will nod their heads and say "hell yeah, totally" to that.

But the problem with comments like that is that once again the idea is being enforced that labour is always painful, no-one can get around that, and if they do, they're either drugged up, lying, or "lucky".

I had another comment made to me a month or so back. "Oh, don't worry, soon enough you'll be screaming" referring to my labour. When I replied back saying "No I won't." the same person retorted with "They all say that...."

And that little exchange made me feel so many emotions... mainly anger, but also pity, resignation, amongst other things. By the way that exchange was with a man, whose wife had given birth to 2 or 3 children. But it's comments like those which drill it in to young girls, women.. "When you have children, your labours will be painful, horrific, traumatic, and hey, guess what? There's nothing you can do about it!" And makes me feel sad because this is the society we're in now, where women are TERRIFIED of giving birth. Where birth is something to be forgotten about as quickly as possible. Where the notion is that if anyone was capable of remembering exactly what they went through when they birthed their first child, they would NO WAY have a second, or a third...

Ironically, it's because of this fear that women have of giving birth that they have such painful traumatic births! The fear causes them to tense up, especially in the uterine area, and when the uterus muscles are tense, they cannot work properly in thinning the cervix because of the resistance. Then once the cervix is finally fully opened, the mums are told to "push" which serves only to narrow the vagina in front of the baby's head, causing it to push down against a narrow opening, causing more pain.

One of the reasons I am now leaning more towards a home birth is because I feel that I am more likely to get the birth I want from it. The natural painfree hypnobirth, where I won't be pressured by doctors or midwives to have my waters broken or a drip placed in my arm to "speed things along". Where I am left to my own devices, allowed to position myself where I see fit, with what feels right with no-one wanting to strap me down to a bed. Apparently once you accept any sort of medical intervention (even "little" things like having your waters broken, or membranes swept), your likelihood of having a purely natural childbirth (ie, NO medication or pain relief whatsoever) decreases significantly. And at the same time, your chances of needing a cesarian increases.

Something I didn't know before I did the Hypnobirthing classes, was that another way a woman's body is designed to birth, is that when the body is sufficiently relaxed, it produces a LOT of endorphines during labour, a natural painkiller which is several times more powerful than morphine!

Anyway. I am hoping that this act of writing down my feelings about the whole thing has reaffirmed my ability to let go of my birthing fears. I think I just need to find a non-confrontive thing to say in response to people who tell me (or imply to me) that it's stupid of me to think I can have a painfree birth. I was beginning to wonder what with lack of practise and having people say to me the things they said whether it would be possible for me to have the birth I wanted. Afterall, doing Hypnobirthing classes isn't enough. One example is of a woman who attended these classes, but she was surrounded by people who loved the "horror birth story telling sessions", and as such, she ended up having one herself to tell, despite the hypnobirthing classes.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking "I'll show them all, I'll have a painfree birth then I can show them..." which isn't the sort of thinking I want to let myself get trapped into. I'm not doing this for THEM - those people who try and bog me down with horror stories and anecdotes which harvest the fear in women everywhere. I'm doing this for myself, for my relationship with Jonathan, and most importantly for Robert. I am doing this to leave myself with a memory I will WANT to keep replaying over and over and over in my mind forever, about that wonderful day when Robert came into our lives, when I was so relaxed, and euphoric, and excited by it all, instead of wishing it was all over already. I am doing it so that I am able to be renewed and refreshed still even when Robert has only just been born, and to give him a start to life that is peaceful, comfortable, and safe.

On our first Hypnobirthing class, Jenny, the practitioner, went around the couples and asked us what we wanted to get out of hypnobirthing. Unfortunately, I was the first in line, and all I really remembered about hypnobirthing was what I saw on that Richard and Judy show all those years ago. I said something like "I want to have a painfree childbirth, and I want to dispel in my mind all the myths about childbirth." Jonathan said "I'm only here because Nicola wants to be here really." The rest of the couples said things like "I want to be more in control of my birthing experience" and "I want to have a medication free childbirth" and things like that.

As the lessons came and went, I too saw not only the "painfree" aspect as something I wanted, but also the fact that Jonathan would be an intregal part of Robert's birthing day. So many men seem detached from the whole thing, never knowing what to do, what to say, how to make things "better". With hypnobirthing, they are taught that they have a clear focus, a clear purpose, and are one of the most important things a labouring mother can have with them on their baby's birth day.

I sat on the sofa earlier, Robert was squirming a little and poking his little foot out, and all of a sudden a rush of emotions filled me, and I imagined the three of us - me, Jonathan, and Robert in our arms. I could feel the elation and awe I felt holding my tiny boy, and I started to ache with love as it filled my chest, while simultaneously tears filled my eyes. Even though I don't have any idea where to begin, I am beginning to feel like a Mum.

32 weeks 1 day - more back pain, weekend, belly pictures.

32 weeks! Woah! (yeah yeah, I know, sorry, I'm guessing my amazement each week that that number is 1 higher than last week is wearing thin by now!) Less than 2 months to go! (or about 2 months I should really say, seeing as Robert could well be born late - he could even be a December baby! Which is an odd thought, I always think of him as being a November baby, but it's entirely possible he will be a December baby. Well, there's even a remote chance he could be an October baby, someone who was due on 14th November gave birth to her baby 3 days ago!)

Friday night, what should come back with a vengance but of course that lovely pelvic pain I had earlier in the week. I got next to no sleep from 12.30 til 3.40, when I woke up for the umpteenth time and started crying, which in turn woke Jonathan up. My crying until he woke up and asked what was wrong were little sniffles and muffled cries, which turned instantly more hysterical and bawly as soon as he asked me what was up. Amongst sobs I said something like this... "I'm in so much *sob* pain that whenever *sob* I turn over *sob* it hurts so bad *sob* and I've had hardly *sob* any sleep *sob* and it's only *sob* 3.40 am *wails* and I don't want to have to lie back doooooooooown! *bawls*

Then I managed to get some sleep after taking a couple of paracetomol - it still hurt like hell, but I only had to turn over once between then and around 7.30am when I needed the loo. Went back to bed again, and before I knew it, Jonathan was saying "Oh, shit, it's 10 o'clock!"

We'd invited my Mum and Dave over for a roast dinner (they are busy Sundays so we had a Saturday roast hehe), and we still had some washing up to do, and vacuuming the living room carpet, and moving the sofa to get the table out. They ended up arriving around 12, so we had about 45 minutes to just sit and chat over coffee (well, tea for me, because although every now and then coffee has smelt strangely nice, I'm still not brave enough to try it incase I still don't like it!) while Jonathan (bless him) sorted out most of the dinner. I came in to sort the gravy and drain the veg while he was sorting out the meat, but apart from that he did it all! I made up a bit of mint sauce as we were having lamb, and got out cartons of juice, glasses and cutlery.

It was such a pleasant afternoon. After the dessert we decided to play a few board games, which were fun, and they ended up leaving around 5.30pm or so. It was lovely because I can't remember who it was with, possibly my Dad, but I was itching for them to leave when they came over once, but with Mum and Dave I wasn't itching at all, I thoroughly enjoyed their company, and Jonathan was relaxed with them moreso than when we go over to theirs (presumably familiar environment and no driving fatigue). We gave them the lamb bone to take back with them for their dogs, which I heard was very well received! Hehe.

Last night, Robert was extremely active, deciding on several accounts over an hour or so to poke out really hard with both a foot (feet?) and a hand (hands?) simultaneously! Every time he did it it made me go "Oooh!" with the force and strangeness of sensation.

Anyway, since it's 32 weeks I've uploaded more belly gallery pictures, I've put the normal "half bare" picture in the gallery already, and here are the other two I took, the clothed and bare bumps.

The difference between that one and the 20 week one (or even 24 week one) is amazing! Gogo gadget Robert! Grow, baby grow!

31 weeks 3 days - painful day yesterday

I can't begin to say just how exhausted I feel. All day yesterday (yes, ALL day) I was in massive pain whenever I moved. The pain radiated from either my left labia, or the pelvic bone beneath, and is a stabbing pain that shoots through the entire area whenever I move my legs. And also a lot of the time whenever I got up to move, the pain caused me to tense up, and then my uterus started hurting underneath too. :( And a lot of the time my belly has felt really hard... but not braxton hicks hard - which makes me wonder if Robert has gone into the back-to-belly position (forget what it's called - is it anterior or posterior?).

Turning in bed has been a nightmare, causing me to groan loudly whenever I do. Yesterday afternoon because I'm fine when still, I decided to pick out a book and lay down and read it on the bed. (Round Ireland with a Fridge by Tony Hawks - excellent, excellent book, very funny. Had me in fits of giggles, and at one point outright tear-producing laughter) Laid on my side, and Robert decided to do his usual trick of kicking the side of my belly hehe. But anyway, I went back to read a bit more later in the evening after our meal, lay in bed, but of course whenever I had to shift position even slightly, OWWW! "Are you alright?!" calls my husband from the other room... and I must admit I replied back a little sarcastically "Just peachy, thanks!" Which isn't very nice I know, he's just trying to be nice and concerned. "Is there anything I can do?" Unfortunately not, I answered back with another slightly sarcastic "yeah, you could chop me off at the middle and give me someone else's body." which of course I didn't mean because then what about poor Robert!!! I instantly felt a little guilty when I said that.

The pain has continued on throughout the night last night, leaving me a little bleary eyed this morning. I do hope the pain subsides somewhat before tomorrow, because it's my 31 week midwife appointment, and I have to walk into town. It's not far, but far enough when every step hurts unless I waddle.

Last night sitting on the loo, I suddenly panicked inwardly and thought "what if something is wrong with me, what if I'm going into premature labour? What if I give birth to Robert right here right now while I'm sitting on the loo? What if his head hits the bowl and...." I can't even bear to write the rest of that sentence. It's bad enough thinking it. And then I think to myself what a bad mother I'll be, so maybe it'd be for the best... but then that is too horrible. Urgh, I feel disgusted with myself that I ever thought that. I need to really stop being so insecure. I can, and will, be a great mum, I just have to have confidence in myself.

I will have to write down a list of questions for the midwife. I think one of them will be about colostrum. After Alice's comment to my last entry I looked through some of her entries, and couldn't find what she was referring to! Doh. But I noticed on about 28 weeks or so she had her colostrum start leaking. Me, I've had NO sign whatsoever. None. Nada. And I'm 3 weeks later than that! I'm sure it's one of those things that are different for every woman, but boy it would make me feel a hell of a lot better if I was to get something through at some point, just so I know things are looking positive. I do get the occasional cream coloured residue settling between the little dimples, that can be loosened and brushed away, but then I'm pretty sure I've been getting those foreverrr - since I was a teenager.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing if Robert is still head down, like he was at 28 weeks. It seems crazy soon for a baby to be head down, 28 weeks through. I'm pretty sure he is still, because I'm still feeling his little feet pressing up against the upper most part of my uterus. Oh, forgive me if I've already said this, but the other day, I was sitting on the sofa, and he started pressing his feet up firmly against my belly... I pressed down against them with my fingers quite firmly, and whereas at some point before he simply moved his feet away, this time, he kicked back at my fingers! Hehe. It was so sweet.

Oh, and I don't think I've been paying much attention to the fact he's probably been having noticeable hiccups lately... last night I felt it going on and paid attention to it, and yeah, can imagine those were definitely hiccups. That time aaaages ago I said he had hiccups, I think those were actually his first kicks I felt, not hiccups! But these were, and I'm pretty sure he's had them before, I've just not felt them, and then thought "ahh, they're the hiccups." But they definitely weren't kicks, definitely weren't punches, just a sensation within my belly that felt like when you've done a lot of exercise and your muscles ping away for a while as they rest.

Anyway, should go and get some breakfast now, hopefully repeating "there is no pain there is no pain" will help, I think it helped a tiny bit when I had to climb back up the stairs etc yesterday. Will speak to Beverley (the midwife) about it tomorrow and see if there's anything she recommends. Will prepare myself incase she'll want to take a look "down there" as well.

Hope you're all ok, oh! And happy birthday to Becca!

31 weeks 2 days - weekend ramblings for the most part

31 weeks! (and 2 days) I can't believe how close it's getting already. These past 7 months, oddly, have gone by so fast, and yet so slow. If that makes sense! In that it feels like time has whizzed by since I was 12 weeks pregnant and seeing Robert on that scan monitor for the first time, and yet it does feel like I've been pregnant forever. And yes, wow, it is exactly 2 months until my EDD!

This weekend has been a little hectic. Friday, Jonathan came home early from work, due to his flexitime scheme. Later in the evening I got all hormonal and weepy because I couldn't remember the last time he told me I was beautiful. So he sat down with me and hugged me and told me that he did think I was beautiful, even if he hadn't said it a lot lately. And he did also put his foot in it with something he said, but I decided not to dwell on it too much and put it down to him not thinking about what he was saying. But overall I did feel better and was glad he came over and was with me and gave me the affection I felt I really needed. And I think to be honest it was the first time I got overly weepy and hormonal so far, I think I've actually been pretty good, apart from crying easier at sitcoms and romcoms. (like crying when Chandler beat Mike at table tennis in Burmuda when Monica hurt her hand - wtf is up with that?? lol)

Anyway, Saturday we went to Aylesbury to do more stuff with the flat. We got there for just about 9am, because the carpet fitters were coming to do the hallway carpet (the red and yellow flowery carpet didn't really go too well with the lilac walls we did a few years ago). We also did some cleaning. I didnt actually do a lot, I'm finding it hard to stoop and lean over as much now. I did the insides of a few cupboards, emptying one that was full of cat food, cleaning products, etc. Then I cleaned the salloon style kitchen doors as they were so dusty it was crazy. Jonathan scrubbed the floor in the living room, which had got paint splatters all over it while we were decorating. Then after the carpet fitters had gone, we cleared out all the junky furniture in the bedroom - a hand-me-down bookcase which was falling to bits, a hand-me-down sky blue chest of drawers which was still ok but meh, was old and dated, and a hand-me-down desk type thing that we used for a bedside table. Took them downstairs, Jonathan demolished them, and then we loaded up the car with old scraps of furniture and also the old carpet from the hall, and some old rugs which we didn't want anymore. Went down to the tip, and were expecting to sit in a queue for about half an hour as usual, but it was almost completely empty, went straight into the tip, just sat waiting for someone to leave for their space, and we were in! When we got back, we loaded up the car with all the rest of the boxes from the loft (how on EARTH did we manage to fit so much crap into our tiny one bedroom flat???), which literally did fill the entire car, but now we know, we have everything at the new house! I took a nap on the sofabed (last thing that'll need to go down the tip), and we finally left Aylesbury around the time we usually ARRIVE there to do stuff in the flat - around 2pm.

Yesterday, J was going to do his finances, but I was beginning to get desperate for some new maternity clothes - the trousers I've literally lived in for the last 7 months have got holes in, paint stains on, and despite my best efforts to keep them clean (and find something else I can wear while they are washing and drying) are a little smelly. :S So we went into Milton Keynes to do some shopping. J is getting a little antsy about the amount of money we have spent since moving - apparently we've not had a single month where his salary has paid off all the bills and his credit card bill.. eeep. What with all the new furniture we've needed, and so on.

But anyway, we still have quite a lot of vouchers to spend, we had about £50 for Marks and Spencer, which we successfully spend on some maternity wear for me - a pair of 3/4 length trouser/jeans things - a little snug around the thighs, and only a tiny bit of room growth left, but if I scrunch them under my bump it'll be fine. Also a looooooverly stretchy blue 3/4 length sleeved top, which goes alllll the way over my bump and then some, and is soooo flattering! And then a black cardi thing (apparently maternity! But doesn't seem very fitted) which will be great in the winter over some little tank tops I have which would otherwise bare my belly! Haha.

We also had £20 in Woolworth vouchers, so we mooched around there to see what we could spend, and decided on 6 ceramic pebble-shaped placemats for our new table. Which came to £21 but was cool. They were quite heavy and J was moaning for most of the rest of the shopping trip! (We got them first lol) Although bless him, he didn't moan constantly, just every now and then ;)

We did look around John Lewis for maternity wear, but they didn't do any. We had quite a hefty amount of vouchers to spend there, but no luck. However, they have a HUGE baby section! And I spent a little while in there cooing over the gorgeous little dungarees and suits and other boy clothes. Hehe!

Finally I said to J, I really wanted some new trousers like the ones I have at the moment, but without holes (haha), so we we went to Mothercare. Now if anyone has been to MK shopping center before you will know that Marks and Spencer, John Lewis, and Mothercare are all over the damn place, and it's friggin huge. I went to the loo in JL, but for some reason, I've been peeing LOADS the last few days, and by the time we were walking to Mothercare, I kept feeling my bladder getting squashed, and it was getting increasingly uncomfortable, but I knew that when I went, all that would come out would be the tiniest trickle and I'd still feel like I'd need to go about half hour later. So I just dealt with the discomfort. By the time we got to Mothercare, I was feeling exhausted, and then my bump started to feel uncomfortable, and odd... in a way I can't really describe now. I kept having to stop and put my hand on it. I was wondering if I was getting Braxton Hicks contractions, but then they felt nothing like the plain "tightening" sensation I've had before that could have been BH. So I'm a little confused. Anyway, we looked around Mothercare for another pair of trousers identical to the ones I had on, but no luck. Took some other "lounge" trousers to try on, but they were both like leggings, and not at all what I wanted. (Severely unflattering for a start!!!) I found a top that looked like it would look nice, and tried it on, and it did. :D Then I asked J to go and find me a pair of trousers in 20 long if he could, and he came back with some, I tried them on, and BINGO they were perfect! Although I could see them being waaaay too loose around the belly if I'd bought them a few months ago, because on their "tightest" setting, they fit me PERFECTLY now! And there's still tonnes of growth room left in them! Zips down the sides, with stretchy material between. Right now they fit great with the zips closed. And sooo flattering, it makes my bump look great! Anyway, we went to pay for the nice black top and the trousers, and the lady spent ages putting them through, there was some problem or other. Which wasn't great as I was still feeling iffy, and in the end, put the bags I was holding down, and leant forward onto the huge pile of boxed up trikes by the till, which made me feel a little better.

There are still a few things I want to get - which we didn't have time for, like new pillows (our ones are gross - really disgusting), maybe some matching coasters for our new tablemats, and there was something else which has completely flown out of my mind in the last 3 minutes. Doh. ;)

Anyway I know this entry has been long and rambly, and for the most part not about pregnancy, so well done if you've managed to read it all! Hehe. I had some odd dreams last night, oddly not about you know what, like usual, but instead the main bit was about us being in Church, winning £95,000 while we were in there, and then coming out to find our car (along with most of the others in the carpark) completely gutted - emptied of EVERYTHING of value, including windows (lol) and seatbelts. But I also remember being excited (in a different dream, unrelated to the church/car thing) that Alice was pregnant at the same time as me. Not that she knows yet, maybe it's a sign that she is? Who knows! The signs look promising. Although if she isn't, and her period comes afterall, I know I'll be disappointed, but eagerly awaiting the next month's updates! Hehehe.

Hope you're all okay chickies xx

27 weeks 5 days - loves!

I wish I could capture the essence of exactly how it feels when Robert kicks and squirms inside me. Because it's the most magical and amazing feeling I've ever felt. It's the sort of feeling I just want to talk and talk and talk about - to try and describe to anyone who's never felt it before. But somehow whenever I try and think about it, to put it into words, I can't. I mean, well, some of the feelings I feel can be described, but the feelings of your baby moving and squirming and kicking inside you are so varied and different.

There's one that sort of feels like when you go over a bump in a car, that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you're momentarily airborne. But then how to describe the kicks? How to describe the feeling you get when your little one squirms right against your belly like they feel so close you could reach down and touch them? And how that's different to when they're squirming or changing position in general. I just love them all!

I am finding myself rushing to the bedroom whenever I feel Robbie squirming in there, and hoping that my moving hasn't lulled him to sleep, so I can continue to watch him! I love the way my entire belly wobbles around when he squirms and wriggles in there. And then blips out with a kick.

I love knowing that he's getting stronger in there, and getting bigger, just from the way his movements feel to me. I love the way I know from day to day that he's okay, that I don't have to worry, that I can enjoy him being in me and growing.

I love the fact that although there are so many things I can't do now, I don't really CARE! Because I love being pregnant and I wouldn't change it for the world! And I love the fact that there's still so much for me to experience! I love looking at my belly in the mirror, in fact, I'm really beginning to love my entire pregnant body! Even with the purple stretchmarks on the sides of my bump/hips. I feel that my belly has all of a sudden grown a lot more, and with it, my self-esteem. I feel so beautiful when I look at myself naked. I love the way my bump looks, I love the way my boobs look(!), and despite the odd aches and pains and heartburn (which comes more frequently now, and sometimes even during the day), I feel amazing.

I love the fact that my husband and I are doing hypnobirthing. I love the fact that I find my husband's voice soothing. I love that he can get me into a state of such dreamy relaxation that I don't want to come out of it! I love that it makes us feel stronger as a couple, and that he will be so important on Robert's birth day. I love it when I see that look of joy and awe in his eyes when he gets to feel Robert kick or squirm, and wish that he could feel it more often.

There is probably a lot more, but I love it that just off the top of my head I have found so many things I love about being pregnant.

I hope this hasn't made too many of you hormonal and weepy! Or perhaps I do hope that, hehe. :) Hope you're all well, and thanks for reading.

25 weeks 5 days - thanking for the comments, deepness of love for Robert

Oh my gosh, thank you all so much for your comments on my last entry. It is so good to know that I'm not alone in those feelings, that it's normal and that it will come naturally once I'm actually there. I do have an absolutely amazing respect now for people who adopt, because even if they set out to adopt a baby, it doesn't happen like the movies and like in Friends where they were IN the labour ward and got to take home NEWBORNS. Everywhere I've read, about real life adoptions, you bring home a baby who is at LEAST six months old, or even older. And in those situations, it is kind of like you're thrown right in at the deep end with a baby who doesn't know you, and is already doing so many things.

But thank you for your tips, and your advice, and your own experiences, even the things I "already" knew, it was good to hear it from other people. And so lovely to hear from "new" readers too!

I think I am now beginning to understand from a personal level what I have read of other 'mum-to-be's about the deepness of love you begin to feel for your unborn child. I decided to have a bath today, to try out one of those bubble bath bars from Lush I got from Jonathan for my birthday, and while I was laying in there, relaxing, I got thinking about the whole thing, and started to talk to Robert, and rubbed my tummy gently, and before long, I was laying there, blubbing away, tears streaming down my cheeks, my body shaking as I cried these tears of absolute JOY and love for my little Robbie, that he was here, in me, that he is ok, that I am so lucky to feel him move every day, my wistfulness as I imagine what he looks like, and how it will be to hold him, and take in every tiny detail of him, and smell his sweet head. And as I told him, amongst tears, how very much I love him already, and rubbed my belly, I felt the gorgeous "popping" of his little feet against my fingers. And now, as I write this down, with tears forming once again in my eyes, and sniffling a little, I feel his little feet kicking once again, as if he knows...

I hope he knows already just how much love we both have for him.

24 weeks 5 days - active little Robbie, emotions, and could Meg's little Peanut be on his way?!

Well, 2nd hypnobirthing class is tonight, we need to take some pillows with us tonight, and for the next 3 as well (5 lessons in total). Not sure exactly what we'll be doing tonight, I think it was originally going to be teaching the labour partners how to hypnotise us (by hypnotise, I of course mean aiding us into a deep state of relaxation), but I think at least 2 of the 6 husbands/partners can't make it to this session so we might be waiting til the next session.

I know I have no other frame of reference, this being my first pregnancy and all, but I cannot believe how ACTIVE Robert is. He probably has around 4-6 active moments each day now, some more-so than others. Rarely he kicks first thing in the morning, but this morning, while Jonathan was getting ready for work, and I was laying in bed, Robert started to kick, quite a lot too, and fairly hard, so I called out that he was kicking, and Jonathan put his hand on my belly, and over the next 30 seconds or so, Robert gave about 3 or 4 strong kicks to Jonathan's hand. :) He'd kicked about 7 or 8 times before that too before Jonathan came in. Then just before Jonathan left, he came in and kissed my belly, and then put his hand (which was cold from washing his hands or something) on my belly, and Robert gave another 3 gentle kicks, of which Jonathan felt 1 or 2. :) This I think is the first time Robert's kicked just before J's gone off to work. :)

And then, downstairs I was watching a friends episode, and eating my breakfast, when Robert started kicking again. I just feel so blessed (I say blessed, I know it's a religious term, and I'm not at all religious anymore, but it feels like the most appropriate word) to be pregnant! And to get this far along in my first pregnancy! And to feel my sweet son poking and prodding and kicking me. :) Sometimes I feel several kicks all in the space of a couple of seconds, which makes me think maybe he's changing position at that time, and trying to get comfortable again. Once yesterday I felt one kick over on my right hand side, and then about 3 or 4 seconds later, one on my left hand side, so I guess he must have either changed position very quickly, or one of them was a punch! ;)

I love these little kicks so much! Not only because they remind me that I'm pregnant every day, and that soon I will be holding my sweet son, but also because they let me know he's ok, and he's growing bigger and stronger all the time! They are helping me to connect with this little person inside of me so much. Truth be told, it's hard to connect with an idea as much as a constant reminder that something is there. Before I could feel the kicks and movements every day, it was hard to imagine there was a baby inside me let alone connect with it. I could see little to no change in my body, I could feel nothing, it felt a little like I was a fraud, that I wasn't pregnant at all. Then I had the 12 week scan, and there he was, but still, no movements, no clues apart from that picture on the screen to let me know he really was in there. These kicks are so human-like there is now no denying I am pregnant at all, and I love it so much! And I can connect with this tiny boy inside me who is letting me know he is there, and he can hear me. :) I am so glad I'm into the 2nd trimester, and can feel my tiny boy every day. And I can't wait to experience the 3rd trimester! Robert is kicking again as I type this - making this the third active session today! Already! At only 10.30am. :) And while I can't wait to meet my little Robbie, I am also eager to make sure I experience everything properly, and to make sure we are completely ready for him to join us.

That's another idea I cannot fathom, how, in 3 and a half short months, we will no longer just be 2 people, but a family of THREE!

I am just completely overwhelmed by so many emotions these days. I cannot believe that in such a short time, I will be someone's Mummy.

Oooh! And it seems things are on the move for Meg. Soooo exciting! I can't believe still she's already at her due date (almost!). But I guess that since she was 15 weeks ahead that would of course make her due now, since I'm practically 25 weeks pregnant! ;) I can't wait to see her pictures of little Peanut, I'm sure we'll be seeing them soon. Yay!

22 weeks 2 days - weepy hormoney entry, Robert's journey so far.

What to say! First off, I had a nice time over at the in-laws, we showed off the mountain of bits we got for Robert at Mothercare to them! We got some bedding, a wall thermometer, some sleepsuits, some bodysuits, socks, booties, a pack of white essentials including hat and mittens, other bits and bobs, either blue (yay!) or white, or cream, or cream with green/yellow. But my FAVOURITE bit we bought at Mothercare has to be THIS gorgeous snowsuit! I could practically weep looking at it! I just cannot wait until November just so I get to wrap up my tiny Robert in that gorgeous gorgeous suit to take home! The hormones certainly kick in whenever I look at all the gorgeous clothing we have bought for him, and find myself with tears in my eyes. I opened out one of the tiny blue bodysuits we got him, and it's just so tiny and adorable, I did almost burst into tears. When we were walking around the shop, we saw this giftset and I just really really wanted to get it! But we decided not to, because we might get sets like that when he's born from family and friends.

Anyway, enough rambling about clothes! Jonathan felt Robert kick again last night. Shortly after the kick he felt, Robert kicked twice more in fairly quick succession, but Jonathan didn't feel them, probably because the kick had moved slightly, and I think it was under J's fingertips rather than his palm or the length of his fingers. Jonathan is just so in awe of them, and he seems so excited to be a daddy. I knew from even before we got together that he'd make a wonderful father. He's just such a wonderful, sensitive, and caring man. Goodness, here comes the hormones again!

I just feel so lucky to have both a wonderful husband and be 22 weeks pregnant with our first child. All the years I spent worrying I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, and then when we were finally ready to start trying, the worry that I wouldn't be able to conceive for months on end. That first month where we started trying half way through the month and didn't get pregnant. Followed by the delayed period over stress... followed by practically a whole month of trying every other day, at the end of which we moved, and then on a whim, on day 32 of my cycle, taking a test and seeing the faintest of faint lines, not daring to hope incase it was all wrong. Two days later getting a stronger line and feeling over the moon! Followed by several tough weeks of tiredness, hunger, slight queasiness, and faith and hope. Then getting to see our little Sausage finally at 12 weeks pregnant! Hearing the heartbeat 4 weeks later at week 16, starting to feel little movements from within. Hearing it again at around week 20 to ease worrying after no movements for a while. A week or so later the movements started up again, but turned into little "bubbly" kicks! Then at just before 22 weeks seeing our little Robert Sausage again, and his daddy feeling his kicks too.

The three of us have already been on such an amazing journey, and we're barely past half way until we meet our tiny man, and get to hold him in our arms and nurture him, and care for him! He has been part of our lives since FEBRUARY, even though we didn't know he had started his amazing journey until a few weeks later. I cannot believe how much I love this little man already.

12 weeks 2 days - the scan! Photos! Sausage is fine! :)

Sausage is ok! :D We got there in plenty of time for the scan, having drunk 2 pints before we left, and oh my goodness.. there's an ACTUAL baby inside me! A baby with a head, and body, and 2 arms and 2 legs. (although the scan stills don't really show the arms and legs very well) The heart was beating, and as she was doing the measurements (which put me at 12 weeks and 1 day! Only one day off!) Sausage started to wiggle HARD! It sort of looked like his body "blipped" up from the bottom of the uterus, and then fell down again, and did it several times while we were watching :)

It was sooo hard not to cry, it was amazing! And I did cry a lot, I think I must have been all red around the eyes by the time I went back into the waiting area to wait for my maternity notes and the copies of the ultrasound.

Anyway, here are the pictures...

I won't bother changing the ticker down there, since they only reckoned it was 1 day out, which is close enough imo. But this also gives me EXACTLY the same EDD as my sister-in-law now (23rd November)

Thanks for all your well wishes. :) I've been busy telling the world! (Uploaded the scan photos to facebook, and also to my WoW guild forum)

Hope you're all ok xx Thanks for reading!

12 weeks 1 day - hormones and a bad dream

Eeeep, less than one day until the scan. I'm trying not to think about the worrying things, because I know my worries are quite irrational. So I'm just trying to be excited and trying not to be nervous about it.

Yet again another gorgeous day, J and I haven't done much other than he's been sorting out finances and shredding old documents, and I've been doing some washing up and vacuuming. The barbecue's on the go again, J is very careful to cook things thoroughly, especially food I am eating.

For the most part, my hormones and moods haven't been very severe.. I mainly get a little weepy, that sort of thing, however last night I did throw a bit of a strop, mainly because recently my tummy has been feeling odd - been getting twinges quite a lot, and it was doing it then, and I was getting hungry, and I was stood in the kitchen, feeling hungry and my tummy feeling not very nice, and saw loads of washing up and messy sideboards, and just threw a wobbly moaning about how I always have to do the washing up because J's back aches when he does it (he's 6'5" so has to bend down to the sink). J was lovely though and told me to go and sit down, that he'd do it, and put dinner on, which he did. Although when I went and apologised for throwing the wobbly, he sort of went quiet, and didn't really say anything until I asked "do you forgive me?" to which he replied "well, make sure you don't do it again." which I don't think I can do! I mean, I can't help it with my hormones can I? And to be honest, I think the last 12 weeks I've been VERY good! (I'm known to be a bit moody even WITHOUT being pregnant!) So... I hope he doesn't take things too personally. And that he can continue being supportive and loving when I need it most.

I had a dream last night - well I think it was when I was dozing after my alarm went off (read - cat meowing at the foot of the bed and scratching the carpet). It was that I was sitting on the toilet after I'd had a wee, wiping, and just wiping sheet and sheet of blood. I was getting more and more upset thinking any moment now I'll wipe away a big blood clot, but it never happened. And when I got up and went to the toilet, I wiped, and thank goodness, still clear.

Please wish me luck for tomorrow! I'll be sure to update and everything. Also I know I'm a day late on the updated belly gallery, I'll try and get another picture done for it today. (Though I don't think there'll be any difference :( Silly tummy)

Thanks for reading xx

8 weeks 4 days - appointment, hormones,etc

Ah ok, so I had the appointment yesterday afternoon. :) The midwife seemed ok, but a little cold to begin with, but by the end of the appointment she began to "warm up" a little. She went through medical background, genetic background and so on, took my BP which she said was fine, tested my wee for sugar (surprisingly NOT to see if I was pregnant - I still have had no medical staff confirm my pregnancy), and there was none in my urine. Since I have never smoked, (although was a passive smoker for some years when living with my mother) and have given up drinking since I found out I was pregnant, and have had no major health worries at all apart from a bout of depression about 7 years ago, she says I am fine and healthy (although rather unfit and overweight - she didn't say that, but I know it myself). She's sent off the paperwork to Kettering Hospital (where I will be going for the birth most likely) for my scans, and hopefully I'll get the date for the scan in the mail in the next 2 weeks. But she said it was more likely to be at the 13 week mark rather than the 11-12 week mark, since they said they're fairly busy (lots of women having babies in Kettering in November??). So I'm expecting a date between 16th-23rd May for my first scan. They're also going to do the downs and spinadafria or whatever it's called test at the same time. And next Wednesday I'll be going in to get my antenatal blood test done which'll let me know what blood type I am, and whether I'm rhesus positive or negative. She gave us a lot of information and a free pregnancy book too!

I'm noticing lately that my queasiness while isn't anything very serious as such, is preventing me from wanting to go and get myself much to eat, at least not where I have to stand and prepare it for very long. I feel queasier standing up, and it doesn't all go away straight away now, although it is fairly mild still.

Also... boy, my hormones are sure kicking in... I was watching SG1, the episode where Janet Frasier dies, and I was BAWLING literally. I've seen the episode before, and am well known for crying at stuff, but usually if it's cry-worthy, it'll be a few tears and that's it, but I was crying almost as hard as a time I remember when I was in the process of breaking up with my ex who I'd been with for 2 years. And a week or so ago, I felt some tears running down my face when watching Friends - not the episode where Monica and Chandler get engaged - which has ALWAYS managed to extract some tears... but the episode where Monica hurts her hand when playing Mike at table tennis, so Chandler takes over, and beats Mike for her. It was like "Awwww Chandler beat Mike for Monica! That's sooo sweet *sob sob*" and while I was all teary and stuff I was thinking "What on EARTH?? Why am I crying over this episode???" It is just bizarre, the things I cry over these days, and the INTENSITY of my feelings and how much I cry over stuff.

But it's sooo great, how pregnant of me! Before long I'll be crying over baby oil commercials where they say "now YOU can have baby-soft skin!"

Oh and on a whim the other day I looked up my old diary, diaryland still has it! And it has a good few years of entries, leading up to our wedding and also the years I spent at work in the nursery. I read quite a lot of entries about work - and can't believe I stayed there for so long. I read back at these entries and it all comes flooding back how I felt about some of these things, some of the people there. Which was a shame, because I *LOVED* working with the children. But after a while it seemed that every day I was coming home, feeling crap, and dejected, and feeling like it wasn't worth going back the next day. Which is why hopefully I will LOVE having children - all the rewards and benefits, none of the snooty colleagues, or mouthy parents, and no friggin paperwork! The only thing is that I changed all the names of the particular children in the diary, so when I read back a particular one, I had no idea who was who! Well except for a couple of them, who I worked out from the description in the entry. But yes it's certainly possible to get attached to children you work with, so I have no DOUBT how much I will love this tiny being inside me.

Wow, a lot of waffling today! Hope you're all okay. x