Yesterday was a bit of an emotional weepy day for me. I guess it didn't help that when Beverley came around for the midwife checkup we got talking about the birth a bit, and she asked how I felt about it. Whenever I think about it I still get upset. She said that the midwives who were at his birth had offered to come over at any stage I wanted to talk about it if I wanted, but I think right now I would just burst into tears and not stop. I think it'll be even some time before I'm ready to write a birth story here, and when I do I'll likely be in tears while writing it. To be honest it's the kind of experience that makes me NOT want to get pregnant again, incase I go through it again. But I am hoping beyond words that it is true that time heals all wounds, and that in time I will be ready to move on and give Robert a little brother or sister. Although that can all wait.
We went on a car trip to see Jonathan's parents last night, had some dinner with them. It was nice to get out of the house although it was quite exhausting, after 2 hours I was ready to go back home. And then as we were putting Robert back into the car (he had started screaming his head off when put in the car seat, even rocking him back and forth wouldn't quieten him, and then as soon as we got outside he stopped, which made us think he was too hot), Jonathan's parents hugged me goodbye, and as Steve hugged me, he whispered in my ear "I'm so proud of you" which made me nearly burst into tears again. I managed to choke out a "thank you" before hugging Betsy and getting into the car, where I also let some tears roll down my cheeks.
The evening was tiring, he doesn't scream incessantly, he's a very good baby really, but boy does he feed. And feed. And feed. Since giving birth, or at least coming home from hospital, my appetite has waned a lot. I used to eat LOADS. Huge portions. Snack constantly throughout the day. Not just when I was pregnant. But now I barely manage to eat three meals a day, which I try and make myself do, for Robert's sake, as he needs me to eat for my milk supply to remain good for him. The day before yesterday all I ate was a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a jacket potato with tinned curry on it for lunch, and two slices of toast for tea. Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal, some sandwiches Jonathan made while I was nursing Robert, (2 rounds, so quite a big lunch), and then a roll and half a bag of crisps at Jonathan's parents.
Another thing I wanted to write about is that since we've been home, in fact maybe as well in hospital waiting to come home, occasionally I've felt ill. Not ill in the sense that I'm sick, but you know when you've done something you know you shouldn't have, or not done something you should have, or are really nervous, and you get that really sicky feeling in the pit of your stomach? I've been getting that a lot. Petrified that it means I'm not going to be able to cope on my own with Robert, that I'll end up spiralling down into oblivion. I know I have Jonathan, I have my Mum, I have Steve and Betsy, all ready to drop anything at a moment's notice to help me.
Anyway, things seem a lot better this morning, partly because my little star of a son decided that he was going to have a MARATHON sleep! We got him to sleep at 11.30pm last night, and he woke for a feed at..... wait for it.... yep it's a good'un.... 7.30am! He slept for EIGHT hours! So we slept for about eight hours too.
Well he's just gone back down for another sleep (hopefully he'll stay asleep!), it's now 10.40am - the entry was kinda cut in the middle to feed him, change him, and bathe him (his first bath at home!). He pooed on the towel as we were drying him - ah well! Little monkey. :) But he's my gorgeous scrumbly little monkey I can't help but fall more in love with him. I absolutely adore his little "baby birdie" expressions when he's rooting around for the breast, and his contented look when he's finally off the breast after a feed. I love looking into his little eyes and wondering what colour they'll turn out to be - I know I said they were deep blue on the first entry I described him, but I think I was just thinking they were blue because babies eyes tend to be blue at birth - his eyes are probably more brown than blue, it's difficult to distinguish his actual eye colour because they do look just a bit murky at the moment. Just simply "dark". They're not really any colour yet.
I'm sorry the first half of the entry was so negative. It's definitely something I'll keep my eye on though, I know if it gets worse I have a large support group to fall back on with my family, you guys, as well as the November due date forum people, and also midwives and other people out there. I guess it'd be a miracle if I did somehow magically get over Robert's birth and be perfectly okay. I just have to realise there's a fine line between emotions and depression, and to make sure if I ever cross it to get help.
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