13 weeks 6 days old - breast feeding thoughts, milestones, and family

I now have 5 bags of at least 5oz of milk in the freezer! One has 5.5oz another has 6oz! I'm trying to get at least 5oz a day but I missed Thursday due to being out all day. Expressing an extra feed a day has made it much easier to feed Robert what he wants! I end up with a lot more milk for him to guzzle than when I wasn't expressing any to save. It does also mean I am engorged most mornings and having to sleep with a towel over my chest (my nursing bras are actually the wrong size - I bought them while I was quite heavily pregnant and now I'm not the band is too big (even on the tightest of 4 settings), and the cups are too small. So I really need to measure myself again and get some new ones. As such if I sleep in them my boobs end up falling out of them and therefore my nipples aren't covered by breast pads and my bra gets soaked full of milk!). But I'd much rather be engorged than not have enough milk!

Robert has been a bit better today teething-wise. He has had his inconsolable moments but they weren't as often nor all day like they were a few days ago. We've got some dentinox gel for his gums and he will readily let you put your finger in, but then licks all the gel off!! And then starts crying again once it's all gone. So I've been giving him calpol too. It says to consult your doctor if you give it to them more than 3 days straight... do you think I should for teething pain? Also I'm quite nervous as to what will happen once his teeth DO make it through the gums. I know plenty of women have breastfed babies with teeth before but I am a bit nervous about a chompy little man! But I will try and persevere, after all it'll be worth it if I manage. If I can't carry on, I'll try and express as much as possible although I fear I may well spend most of the day on the breast and not actually get any rest that way! Hopefully it'll be at an age where I can wean him if it does go that far. Although I would like to breastfeed for a while yet. How far I'm not really sure. I'm a bit squeamish about the idea of me personally breast feeding a small CHILD as opposed to a baby. I do hope I don't offend anyone here, I'm just expressing my opinion about what I would do for my children, and if you breast feed your small children then I am not judging you at all... Anyway, personally having given it a BIT (not much) of thought, I would definitely not breast feed Robert at the age of 4, I probably won't past the age of 3 (near certain), and right now I am thinking 2 is a good cut off point. Or maybe 18 months. I'm not entirely sure yet, I guess I will play it by ear! Maybe by the time Robert gets to 2 years old I will still love breastfeeding him and decide to carry it on! Who knows. I'm not setting anything in stone, but I definitely won't be the woman who's still breast feeding her 7 year old, that's for sure! Lol! That makes me a bit squeamish, but then I saw on youtube another woman basically downright slating this other woman for feeding her 7 year old, and comments saying it's child abuse, blabla. I personally think that's going too far, but anyhow, I don't know how that controversial issue made it in here! Hehe. I will veer away before I do offend anyone mistakenly.

What else? Hmmm. Well I am hoping that it will be very soon that Jonathan and I can go out for the evening, as I now have probably enough milk to last two evenings out in the freezer. But we'll wait a while because the in-laws have only just got back from New Zealand and are jet lagged, so it's not really reasonable to expect them to look after a screaming teething baby when they're so tired themselves. I am looking forward to it immensely though, so much so I might actually get dressed up! Haha! :)

Another thing, is Jonathan has decided to buy a new video camcorder. The other one was basically the cheapest model out there and the quality of it was rather poor, especially so in low light conditions. So he went and spent a rather large amount of money on a good one, and I am actually very impressed with the quality of the movies it captures. As I would expect for that amount of money! He's already got some rather cute videos of Robert playing with a rattle and cooing (not a lot, but occasionally). It will be lovely to get one of our "conversations" and also maybe his second laugh! It's so nice to have these things to capture his early years, the lovely photographs we have, and the videos. Because once it's gone you'll never have those times back. I already look back at videos and photos of him when he was newborn and think wow, he's so lovely and small and adorable. He's still so lovely and small and adorable, but not AS small. But in some ways lovlier and more adorable!

I think he is finally beginning to actually recognise us. This afternoon when he woke up from a nap, I went up to him, and said "Hello little man! Good afternoon!" and he looked at me, and instantly broke into a HUGE grin! I think he's also working out that when I get my boob out it means he's going to get milk too. Last night when he was being grizzly on the bed, I got my boob out, and he looked over, saw it, and immediately rolled onto his side so he was facing me, and opened his mouth, before I'd even got into position next to him! Lately I have been so besotted and delighted with my little man that I grin so much at him to get him to smile back at me that my cheeks ache! I don't often smile that much - infact the only other time I remember my cheeks aching from smiling so much was at my wedding! And now with trying to make my little boy grin at me because I love it so!

We're off to Northampton tomorrow to see the in-laws, as they have Jonathan's sister around as it was her birthday last weekend and she has some presents due from us! And a big slobber from her nephew. Hehe. The teething has made him very slobbery, he slobbers all over our fingers and hands as he desperately rams them into his mouth to chomp on!

I'm hoping that we can get down to Kent sometime soon - maybe next weekend we'll see anyhow, to see my family. Robert has yet to meet any of his great-grandparents, unfortunately he will probably never meet Jonathan's grandma, as she's now in a home (and lives in Bournemouth), his other grandma died in 2003, and his grandfathers before I knew him. My father's parents both died when he was a boy, but he was then raised by his aunt and uncle, who are therefore my grandparents. And there's my mum's mum, who is still quite spritely, or at least I think of her that way even though she's quite frail now, and hopefully she will meet Robert next time we go to Kent. And my grandparents (who live in London) on either the way there or the way back. Probably the way back, as then I can feed Robert just before we head off, and then he hopefully won't want feeding while we're there (don't really know what they'll think of me breast feeding him in front of them!).

I'll be off now anyway, have a great evening!

13 weeks 5 days old - paediatrician app, difficult stage

I am soooo tired. Robert has been very hard work the last few days. I think he might be teething. He screams and screams, rooting around and trying to eat fingers (his own or other people's, he doesn't mind), but when given a breast you'd think I was trying to poison him he carries on screaming til he's almost purple. I've tried giving him some calpol to see if that alleviates some of it, but it's hard to tell if it does anything.

Usually if he's a bit grumpy, he'll take the breast even if he's not particularly hungry, it'll calm him, but lately if he's being like this giving him the breast makes him worse. I do wonder if it's teething or if he's just getting over-tired. But it's so so hard, seeing him like that, and part of me being so tired I find it hard to get the energy to walk and walk and walk him round as that's the only thing that'll calm him when he's like that. The days just seem so long.

Today was his first paediatrician's appointment at the hospital following his stay in SCBU. The doctor found nothing to worry about from what she saw of him but she stressed to us that it doesn't mean his development is and will be fine, as only time can tell, as he becomes older and has more milestones they can be aware of. Our next one is in May, the day after our 4th wedding anniversary.

He was very good during the hospital visit, stayed alert but quiet, cooing occasionally, and only started to cry on our way out. But we decided to drop via the maternity wing, SCBU in particular to see if the neonatal nurses who cared for Robert when he was there were working, but unfortunately they weren't :( We asked the nurse who came to the door to tell them we'd come "Robert, the 10lber with lots of hair" haha! They should remember him from that description, as the majority of babies they see in SCBU are of course preemies.

We then spent the majority of the day over at Jonathan's parents who are back from their holiday, a little jet lagged but eager to see their grandson again. He was difficult there as well, feeding every 2 hours and sicking up a lot of his feed (completely soaking the 2 tops and 1 vest we had with us so he had to stay in wet milky smelling clothes), and generally not napping, so he was quite grumpy. He slept in the car on the way home but of course woke up as soon as we got home and then proceeded to be grumpy for a good hour. He's finally asleep judging by lack of noise but will probably wake up again soon, and if not, then at about 3am. I'm still suffering from my lack of sleep a couple of nights ago when Jonathan decided to spend the whole night snoring and keeping me awake because I never managed to get into a deep enough sleep to be able to ignore it. Ah well we'll see what tonight brings.

3 months old! Video montage, shopping trip, etc

Robert is 3 months old! 3 months ago this very moment I was sitting at the computer timing contractions! Things are going great. I am really enjoying breast feeding, snuggling and playing with my little boy. However, the one thing I'm not enjoying so much is being sick on again and again and again :( He does sick quite a lot after his feeds, I can't remember the last feed he didn't sick anything up afterwards.

This weekend, we (well, Jonathan mainly) have finally gone through the camcorder footage we've been taking since Robert has been born. He's spent a good deal of the weekend making this montage.

As he was watching the finished product through for the first time, I looked over at him and he was crying. I asked him why, and after several seconds, as though he was trying to work out what to say, he finally said "He's alive". Which of course then set me off! The first footage was when he was already a few days old, just having got him in his first clothes. No footage of him in his incubator. But Jonathan did a lovely job of it I think you'll agree. The music to it is "Doubled Up" by Heather Nova. I laughed a bit at the last bit of footage, where Robert is sitting up being burped probably, and he roots around and then chomps down on my thumb!

We have loads more recent footage, mainly where he's cooing away. Which he does quite a lot now! We can hold conversations with him, which consist of "oooh!" "aaaah!" "eeeh!" The other day he was cooing away, with his fist in his mouth, and said what sounded exactly like "golf!" haha! His first word! ;)

He is such a smiley boy, it's so easy to get lovely photos of him grinning away at us, or one of his toys or books.

Here's a couple of photos of him grinning at his Daddy...

Yesterday was an interesting day. We went out to Northampton to do some shopping. Jonathan wanted a few bits from PC World, and I wanted some bits from Mothercare for Robert. We also went into the shopping centre to look for Orange so I could change my contract to pay as you go. I'm probably one of the last customers on Everyday 50 - a contract I took out when I first started dating Jonathan 8 years ago!! When we talked to each other every night as it was a long distance relationship at first. They discontinued the deal a few years back but they can't force people off the contract, so I'm still on it. But I don't spend �15 on phone calls now so it's not worth me being on it anymore.

Also we stopped by BHS and got me a new coat - I got a coat before I got pregnant in size 16 but it's too tight for me! So I've got another in size 18, which is quite snug but I'm determined to lose weight again (I want to be in the "normal" weight range before I get pregnant with a second baby which means me having to lose about 50lbs).

Anyway in Mothercare we bought some breast milk storage bags. I've wanted to get these for ages so I could start getting a supply of breast milk for the freezer. I just can't wait to go out for the evening, and not have to worry about Robert for a few hours! So I'm hoping to get a 5oz bag at least once every 2 days, but I'll try expressing every day and see what I get.

Last night I expressed while Robert was looking happy and content with Jonathan. I managed (finally) to get 4oz, but it took a while! Anyway, typically after I'd finished expressing, Robert then started to get grouchy, wanting feeding but I'd just expressed it all! So Jonathan took him out for a walk to calm him down while I stayed in and relaxed, letting my milk supply regenerate a bit! It was very late before Jonathan and I ate, Robert was absolutely knackered as well, he hadn't slept very much since early afternoon when we were shopping. But he kept waking because he was hungry! I finished eating, finished my drink, and then took him out of his bouncer to feed him. He was soooo tired bless him, practically falling asleep on the breast, but I kept tickling his neck to encourage him to suck and eventually I let him take himself off, and then carried him upstairs and put him to bed, where he fell asleep practically straight away, at around 10.30pm. He slept until 6.40am!

We also bought some bigger socks for Robert in Mothercare, as his other socks are too small for him now and I don't want to carry on forcing small socks on his feet. We have got a LOT of dungarees for Robert when he grows into the next age band of clothing (3-6 months)! At least 4 pairs, possibly 5. And a lot of tops, and some long sleeved bodysuits, which came with the dungaree sets so I suppose they might be good to put him in with the dungarees. But it's nice because there are a few sets which aren't blue! I'm so excited about having some NON blue clothes to put Robert in! It feels like he's got so many blue clothes it's hard to find an outfit without anything blue! He did actually wear an entirely non-blue outfit the other day, which was lovely! It was a beigey-brown top, with a pair of footed trousers, in white but with cream and brown writing on them. While in mothercare I did find myself looking at some sleepsuits that were green, red, orange etc and wanting to buy them!

Anyway, I'll be off now, so I can top up the milk I expressed last night and get it in the freezer. I hope you're all well!

3 months nearly! Photo entry

My baby's nearly 3 months old!!! How did that happen?! Hehe. He's growing and looking more grown up all the time. Although I've not noticed the gradual change, I can tell the difference between the photos in the first week outside my belly and now. He looks "more defined" somehow...

I found a couple of photos of him looking similar - asleep, same orientation, etc, one from the first week, and one from this past week.

I also look at some photos of him and think "WOW he looks so much older than usual here!" Like this one...

He is so strong now, and thinks nothing of holding up his head waaaay clear of the ground and if he's at an angle he looks up so alertly and seems to love looking around like that!

A photo to make you all laugh (and DEFINITELY one to put up for show at his wedding!!) is this one, I bet the look on his face will mirror the one he'll get when I embarrass him with this later on! Got to love stretchy bibs!

Anyway, some more photos I want to share here are ones I took today (I'm surprised at how sharp and clear they turned out, usually the ones I take are slightly blurry). He was sitting in his bouncer quite contently cooing at me so I got out the camera and took some snaps, and I think they turned out quite well!

The colour of his eyes are difficult to distinguish aren't they! But they look greenish here I think, very very dark green. I'm glad I managed to get that photo though, it will be interesting to see if they change!

Finally, I got one of the "milk drunk" look I wanted to get!

It's not as good a photo as how he usually looks, I don't know why but his head looks a bit of an odd shape here. But it still looks like how he does look with his eyes mostly closed. Hehe!

Before I sign off I'll just thank you girls for your comments on the last entry. Megan, I know what you mean and I wasn't trying to make out like I was being holier than thou or something with regards to people bottle feeding. The support is so important and if someone doesn't get it and therefore feeding is harder then of course bottle feeding is the way to go. I think my determination and research into breast feeding has made me aware of the problems and pitfalls. A while ago when I did run out of milk and I was stressed about it, I wrote on the baby forum I visit saying about it, and people immediately responded "go get him some formula!" And then I got a reply from someone saying "Don't give him formula, just try and relax and that'll help the milk flow, giving him formula will just mean he's not hungry for your milk and your milk supply WILL go down!"

It just seems to me that the norm is bottle feeding these days. And was thinking out loud as to why that would be.

But anyhow! I hope you enjoyed the photos!

12.5 weeks old - breast and bottle feeding thoughts

So, this time last year exactly I was on my last period before getting pregnant! Also, it was my last proper period I've had, the only bleeding I've had since is the post-birth bleeding (oh, and implantation bleeding). Sooo nice I'm so glad my periods haven't come back yet.

I went to the baby stay and play at the local Surestart Centre yesterday. There were two other babies there Robert's age (quite cool, but the three of them were about 8-9 days apart total!), so I stopped and chatted with them. We were all first-time mums. But it also made me realise when the babies got hungry, that I am the ONLY mum I've seen there feeding their baby breast milk. It almost seems to be the "done" thing to have your little Tommee Tippee bottle with water, tip the powder in and feed your baby that than to get out your boob. We talked about it a bit, and from what I could tell, they just gave up too early and easily. One of the mums said she breast fed her baby for two weeks, and then one day he sucked her dry, so she rushed out to buy formula. Robert has "sucked me dry" plenty of times, but that just means he has to wait a bit longer til my milk comes back again. And he's not suffered for it, he's been gaining weight well at a rate of about 1oz a day. Although I don't know his weight gain for the last 3 weeks, I'm getting him weighed tomorrow so will see.

I just wonder if most of these mums who end up bottle feeding at the first sign of trouble are the ones who didn't really want to breast feed in the first place but rather were pressured into it by midwives, books, etc. There are plenty of times I could have given up, but I really wanted it to work, so I have persevered, and I'm so glad I have, because it has got so much better! About a week ago, Jonathan suggested supplementing Robert with formula in the evenings when I was tired, and also when I was getting frustrated with Robert and being rough with him. But I know the main reason people's milk dries up prematurely is because they start supplementing with formula, so they're suckling less on the breast. So once you start it's almost like a spiral that keeps going down until your milk's all gone. And the last thing I want to do is to get my milk dried up simply because I'm too tired, as formula is so much more hassle in the long run, none of this powder, sterilising water, getting the bottle to the right temperature, etc. Also knowing how much and how often he would need a bottle, it's so easy just to whip out a boob whenever he's getting hungry without having to think about it, and let him take as much as he wants so nothing goes to waste (well, within reason anyway - except the stuff he sicks up).

Yesterday morning I woke up engorged. I fed him the most engorged side, and then after he was back in his cot I expressed the other, and got 5.5oz within half an hour from that side, whereas sometimes I'd be going for more than half an hour and struggle to get 2oz (from both breasts!)!

Anyway, I'd best get going now, check he's alright on the bed! (so glad he hasn't started to roll over yet!)

11 weeks 6 days old - a good week!

Well girls, I have had a fantastic week! No roughness all week! And it's been a lovely week of bonding for me and Robert. He's been quite difficult this week sometimes, a bit clingy. I'm amazed how well I coped with it, I didn't even get angry or frustrated, which is soo so so good, I thought I might, or I would have done if it had been a week before.

Also, I'm really pleased with how breast feeding has settled down. I can't remember the last time I had a feeding related annoyance. Plus I have discovered a position I absolutely ADORE to feed him in, as it's so comfortable, and he usually looks right into my eyes and it's just lovely. I lay down on the bed (on my back), lift him above me and latch him on like that, and then lean him over onto my arm, and go onto my side so he's on the bed but with his head on my arm. I can wrap my arm around him and hold him close this way (unlike if I have his head on the bed, I have to have my arm up at a right angle which isn't always comfortable), and his eyes are at more of an even level to mine.

I find myself wishing I could take a photo just laying there, I will have to get Jonathan to take one soon, I really don't want to forget how he looks when he's feeding like that! Also, I'm going to have to get a photo of his "milk drunk" looks. It's the cutest face ever!

I am just so so in love with my little boy. :) Can you believe he's almost 12 weeks old?? Where has the time gone?? (If only the 12 weeks before he was born went so quickly!)

2 and a half months old - Another milestone!

Awww girls thanks for all the comments on the last entry! I am just going to try taking it one day at a time, enjoy him when I'm alright, try and not get stressed, and yeah, see what happens I guess.

As a couple of you may know from my Facebook status, Robert hit a new milestone yesterday! His first laugh! (Or actually, his first 8 or more laughs!) I was holding him on the sofa, so he was facing Jonathan who was next to me, and I can't remember how it started out, but I did a little laugh, and he looked at me with a huge wide open mouth and did a little laugh back! So I laughed again, and he laughed again! We sat there taking it in turns to laugh at each other for about a minute (although it seemed longer!) Jonathan and I looked at each other every now and then with big beaming smiles on our faces, it was such a magical moment! And I am so so pleased that Jonathan was there right next to us at the time!

It was so lovely, I had tears in my eyes, the way I did the first few times he smiled at me.

Yesterday morning I should have gone to the Surestart Centre, if it was open, which I'm not sure if it was because of the snow, but I was sooo tired because Robert slept from 11pm til 3am, then from about 4am til 5am, then 6.30am til 7.30am. And of course it took me a bit longer each time to fall asleep so I barely got 6 hours. So I stayed in bed, and next time Robert woke up I took him into bed with me, latched him on while he was laying ontop of me, and then moved him down onto his side with his head on my arm. We stayed in bed for a good few hours, with me feeding him like that whenever he wanted, and I only got up around 11.30am! He woke up about half an hour later. But it was sooo nice, nice bonding time for him to lay in my arms as we both slept. It's my new favourite way to feed him!

Anyway, I should go get some breakfast and get dressed while he's still asleep in bed! Thanks for reading, and commenting! x

Anti-depressants

So, been to the doctor this morning, well, saw the HV first, she had a bit of a chat, and at one point, when I mentioned to her that sometimes when I'm stressed, and frustrated I feel like Roberts doing it on purpose (which is silly I know, he's just a baby and doesn't know any better), she said "You'd be surprised how many people I've heard that from". She did the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale with me, I scored 16 - apparently over 12 is more than just baby blues.

Went in to see the doctor, and he talked a bit about how I've been since I saw him on Wednesday (2 or 3 episodes of roughness with Robert), he gave me the option of some anti-depressants to see if they lift my mood and make me feel better, so I asked what the down sides of them were, and he said I could experience headaches or nausea from my body getting used to them, and that I should try and persevere through them. He said he'd prescribe me ones that are safe to use while breastfeeding. Anyway I sat and thought about it for a few minutes, and figured that it would be worth trying - because I felt really positive on leaving the doctors last Wednesday, was okay on Thursday but by Friday I did it again. What's to say the same won't keep happening? I'd rather try them and see if that helps than to not, and possibly carry on in the same self-destructive manner. So... day one on anti-depressants. Apparently it could take up to two weeks for them to work though. So we'll see.

Off to get my lunch now. Tata girlies x

Snowmonster, cute boy

Well I thought today I'd post a positive entry, because I don't know about you but all this doom and gloom is depressing! I still have my off moments and I am seeing the doctor tomorrow so we'll see what happens then.

Anyway, yesterday we decided to go out and build a snowman in the garden! Or, as someone who saw a pic of it afterwards said, a snowmonster haha! We took Robert out there too as we were making it, and had him in his baby bouncer, he didn't seem very interested in it! But we can show him the photos when he's older and say "Look! Your first snowman!" We built it almost as tall as me! Quite impressive, but by morning, he'd turned into the Leaning Snowman of Piza, although still holding his ground! Here are pics anyhow..

Robert next to a BIG ball of snow! (Set to be the first bit of the snowman)

Snowman becomes a bit taller with a second big ball on top (took me and Jonathan manhandling it to get it ontop of the first!!!)

Me admiring our handiwork..

Almost completed snowman/snowmonster, with eyes, nose, and mouth

Finished snowman with arms as well and boots which you can't see - almost as tall as me!

Jonathan was thinking we should try and use up all the snow in the garden, but we didn't come close to using it all! We did finally have quite a heavy scattering of snow as you can see from this pre-snowman shot of the garden:

Well, here's a photo of my little boy all tired out from building a snowman as big as his mummy (haha!)

He is getting so much stronger all the time. He LOVES to stand now, with our support of course. He spends much of his time when held by people standing rather than sitting. He'll stand to be burped as well, which is somewhat annoying!

But his neck is a lot stronger too, as evidenced by Bumbo photos!

Robert at about 8 weeks old in his Bumbo:

Robert at about 11 weeks old in his Bumbo:

And holding his head up leaning forward on the sofa just today..

I swear my son's eyes get bigger by the day! He's such a cutie pie! I know all you women with kids will disagree, but I think Robert is the cutest baby in the world!

I wanted to take some nice photos of him sucking his thumb as he does it such a lot these days, it's the only thing that will comfort him if he's crying when full/clean etc.

Gonna go now, wish me luck for the doctor tomorrow, and that it doesn't snow anymore so I can get down there fairly easily!

PND and birth thoughts

Hi everyone, thank you (again!) for the comments, especially Alice - I have been reading your diary for so long (since you were TTC Arthur), I think that you are a great mummy and would hate or at least look down on me for how I've been with Robert - you can't imagine how surprised I was to read your comment yesterday! And for the other comments I appreciate them too. Although - Jemma, unfortunately I don't have a huge supply of breast milk built up, we've been using it as we've been going along to give me breaks from him in the evening, or for my MIL to give him while FIL takes me shopping.

The health visitor did not turn up yesterday, or even phone, which leads me to believe that maybe the doctor's surgery was closed yesterday with the snow which has finally travelled north to the midlands! We had about 3 inches yesterday, which did compact down a bit during the day (or at least the snow on the table looked less and less), had a bit overnight, but not a lot, but since about 7am it's been snowing heavily again, so I predict a few more inches before the snow stops.

I cannot tell you how much I have been ITCHING to go out there yesterday and this morning! I absolutely love the snow, feeling it crunch underfoot, seeing footprints and tire tracks, seeing how softly it covers everything like icing sugar. I wish Robert was old enough to take out there and make a snowman with and have a snowball fight and go sledging.

Talking of Robert, which reminds me of the whole PND thing, I remember a comment someone left on the baby forums - how I was only thinking about the negatives, and not all the positive things I do for Robert every day. It's so hard to think about the positives when the negatives weigh so heavily in your mind. I wondered how Robert could carry on grinning at me despite what I had done to him earlier in the day. And put it down to babies not remembering far back. Scared that if it carried on as he got older, he'd start to remember more and more, and hate being with his Mummy. Which is one of the main reasons I talked about it with other people, to get it off my chest and see if they could offer advice.

Even though the Health Visitor didn't come yesterday (and most likely won't today either), I have not been rough with Robert for about 48 hours now. Although yesterday I did have a moment I came close. I'd just fed him up, was trying to burp him, and he was looking sleepy, put him down and he started grizzling after a while, picked him up and he burped almost straight away, put him down, and he started crying straight away (which is unusual), picked him up, cuddled him a bit, he was still looking sleepy, so put him down again, and again he burst into tears immediately. Picked him up again, held him up against my chest, and came in here to read some emails/forums while jiggling him, but he wasn't having any of that, started screaming again. That's when I started to get a bit frustrated, when I would have thrown him on the bed before, or maybe jiggled him so hard for a few seconds it was practically like shaking him. Great for a screaming baby huh? But I didn't, I carried on jiggling him gently, despite beginning to feel a bit desperate, and after a short while I looked at his face in the mirror and he was looking VERY sleepy, so put him down and he had a nap! I have felt MUCH more in control these last few days. I cannot believe how empowering it has been to simply talk, know that I'm not alone, know that I can get better, know that I have people around to support me and not judge me, or take my baby away.

I do think back to when he was born occasionally. It doesn't make me cry like it once did, but I do still think about when the midwives were trying to resucitate him on the floor, and how I felt about the whole situation and about HIM. How I just felt numb to him, like he wasn't my baby. It was probably a coping mechanism my body produced, because if he had died, after I spent so long with him in me, an uncomplicated pregnancy, for him to not survive birth.. if I saw him as just "a" baby and not "my" baby, I probably would have been able to cope with his death a little better.

But maybe some of these numb feelings had lingered in a way. In the moments I get stressed, and am rough with him, or having the urge to hurt him, I have looked at him with such hostility towards him. In those moments, I feel as though I really hate him! Like he's not burping, or feeding every hour, or unlatching and biting my nipple ON PURPOSE. (Which, incidentally, scared me about what I would do when he's older, and IS playing up on purpose)

But when I'm not stressed, I look at my little boy with the love and affection and WONDERMENT I always want to look at him with. I always seem so amazed how he has come about from a tiny tiny cell, grown from that into an independantly minded young person. And also how darn CUTE he is. I'm a lucky lucky girl that's for sure.

Feeling a bit better today

Thanks girls for the comments of support from the last entry. It means a lot that you don't hate me for what I've done to my little Robbie. I think just releasing it, and telling people has done me a world of good - I feel much happier already knowing that people don't hate me for my deep dark secret. And that there's something I can do about it.

I did go and see the doctor last night. I checked online to see whether it was a male or female doctor before I went (name of doctor and surgery name in google), and found out it was a male one I was booked in to see. He was lovely and sympathetic, and didn't make me feel at all horrible. Even though I'd unloaded in here and the forum, I did cry a bit as well telling him. He didn't put me straight on the anti-depressants either, but told me he'd get the health visitor around to chat to me today (although with the 3 inches of snow we got I'm not sure if she'll be able to come) to chat and go through some coping strategies, and then he wants to see me again on Monday.

I am feeling a lot better though already. I've not been rough with Robert for over 24 hours which is a great improvement, but I will have to see how things go.

This morning I woke up extremely painfully engorged - Robert went about 10 hours without feeding, and slept for eight and a half hours in one go! I fed him all he wanted, and then expressed a furthur 5 ounces!

Have to go now, Robert is sobbing his heart out for more milk probably.

10 weeks 3 days old - the cold hard truth

Something I have finally admitted to myself, and to others on a pregnancy and parenting forum, and now to you here is that I have a problem. I didn't really realise it until people on the forum replied and told me it sounded like it, but I probably have post natal depression. I have just all this time (since Robert was 2 weeks old) thought that I am a really horrid mother. Wheneever people commented on things saying how lucky Robert is to have a mummy like me I would sit, wanting to believe it, but not really being able to. I'd cry, thinking how most days I let him down, how he'd probably be best off without me, although Jonathan is the model father and does not deserve to have his son taken away.

You might wonder what is making me say all this, because I have kept the truth away from here for fear you would all think as I do - that I am a terrible mother and do not deserve Robert.

I have been putting it down to impatience, and bad temper, but several times a week I find myself so stressed out with Robert - stupid things, his sickiness, his taking a long time to burp, sometimes the pure frequency of his feeds or his rooting and then refusal to take the breast. At these times I find myself lashing out at him before I even realise what I'm doing. I shout at him, I smack him (not HARD but certainly harder than I should), I throw him down on the bed in frustration. I feel absolutely terrible after, when I realise what I've done, and keep saying to myself "next time you get stressed, put him down gently and walk away" but again it just happens before it even registers in my mind that I'm stressed.

Occasionally I find myself thinking horrid thoughts - like the other day I suddenly had a mental image of myself throwing Robert really hard down onto a solid floor. It distressed me so much it made me jump, and fight back the tears, mainly because I could see myself being within a hair's breadth of actually doing it one day. And that thought absolutely petrified me.

I've made an appointment to see a doctor this afternoon. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I accidentally hurt Robert really badly. I need help to control myself during the stressful times. I just hope they don't take my baby away. People on the forum have told me they won't, as they hear stories like mine all the time, and they just realise I will need help. I hope so, because I love my baby boy so much, I can't live without him :(

Stressful day - 10 weeks old

Today has been tough. Very tough. First nappy change of the day was a very VERY dirty one. One that I was amazed didn't leak all over his clothes. One that I had to use a tissue to wipe off the excess poo from his bottom. All other nappies today have been wet. No poo in any of them. Nada. Zilch. Well, apparently there were a couple of spots of poo in the one Jonathan changed. So basically he has not pooed in over 12 hours.

Add to that the fact he has been sicky. Difficult to wind. Crying incessantly, even on the boob (which breaks my heart whenever he does this). He has not slept in his cot today since we got up for the day. After his crying-on-the-boob incident in the morning, I took him upstairs and just lay down on the bed with him on my chest. He was still crying, but not as waily as he was on the boob. I cried along with him, which seemed to make him cry more, so I tried my best to stop crying, to see if that would help him calm down, eventually he drifted off to sleep on my chest. So I thought sod it, and pulled the covers over us both and fell asleep along with him. I woke up feeling bed sore after a while, so I moved him down onto the bed beside me, snoozed a little longer on my side, and then got up, and it was 1.40pm! I can't remember when we went up there, but then he slept in the bed for about an hour longer before wanting lunch.

This evening he did more crying on the boob, sicking up, etc, but of course only while it was my designated turn to look after him! He slept soundly in Jonathan's arms while it was his designated turn.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll have pooed overnight. I'm also hoping we don't catch any more colds from the Surestart Centre, where we are going tomorrow. In general, I am hoping that tomorrow will be a lot less stressful than today was.

Anyway, Robert's down in his cot, hopefully falling fast asleep, so it's my turn to fall fast asleep, because we're not going to manage a lot of it tomorrow.

Genius boy! ;) Photos

Our little boy is turning into something of an alarm clock. Every day for the past week or so, he's gone a good hefty chunk of time asleep, and wakes up within half an hour either side of 7am. This morning it was more or less 7am on the dot. I had a very engorged left boob so I gave him that when I had gone to the toilet and got myself some water. He did a very good job of relieving it, although at one point he came off, and milk SQUIRTED all over his face! It really did remind me of a bunged up shower head, hehe!

Anyway I sat him up to burp him, and BLEUGH out came all the milk in two HUGE explosive projectile vomits. All over the duvet, all over the bedside table, and my arm. It was extremely lucky it wasn't my right boob that was engorged, as then it wouldn't have been the bedside table as a recipient of the projectile milk, but instead it would have been Jonathan! Haha.

Anyway we went into town yesterday to buy Jonathan's mum and sister a card and some presents. We got his mum a nice bowl and some pot pourri, a nice scented candle and some chocolates, and then from Robert we bought her a nice photo frame and put this photo in it...

He also wrote in a card for her! (My baby boy's such a genius!)

We took a few more photos in the last few days - I can't believe the chubb you can see in these ones!

He looks like a completely different boy! Almost! Hehe.

Here's me and my little boo bear, getting ready to go out yesterday! He was fast asleep all the while getting him ready, and he slept all the way through the car journey and only woke up briefly while we were in the shopping center!

Robert really does love his books, already! It's so sweet to see him looking so intently at the pictures. But sometimes we'll get photos like this (and it's so funny, he does give expressions like this ALL the time, he looks so shocked!)

Last but not least, here's a pic of him all snuggly in his snuggle-towel after a bath and hair wash..