Something I have finally admitted to myself, and to others on a pregnancy and parenting forum, and now to you here is that I have a problem. I didn't really realise it until people on the forum replied and told me it sounded like it, but I probably have post natal depression. I have just all this time (since Robert was 2 weeks old) thought that I am a really horrid mother. Wheneever people commented on things saying how lucky Robert is to have a mummy like me I would sit, wanting to believe it, but not really being able to. I'd cry, thinking how most days I let him down, how he'd probably be best off without me, although Jonathan is the model father and does not deserve to have his son taken away.
You might wonder what is making me say all this, because I have kept the truth away from here for fear you would all think as I do - that I am a terrible mother and do not deserve Robert.
I have been putting it down to impatience, and bad temper, but several times a week I find myself so stressed out with Robert - stupid things, his sickiness, his taking a long time to burp, sometimes the pure frequency of his feeds or his rooting and then refusal to take the breast. At these times I find myself lashing out at him before I even realise what I'm doing. I shout at him, I smack him (not HARD but certainly harder than I should), I throw him down on the bed in frustration. I feel absolutely terrible after, when I realise what I've done, and keep saying to myself "next time you get stressed, put him down gently and walk away" but again it just happens before it even registers in my mind that I'm stressed.
Occasionally I find myself thinking horrid thoughts - like the other day I suddenly had a mental image of myself throwing Robert really hard down onto a solid floor. It distressed me so much it made me jump, and fight back the tears, mainly because I could see myself being within a hair's breadth of actually doing it one day. And that thought absolutely petrified me.
I've made an appointment to see a doctor this afternoon. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I accidentally hurt Robert really badly. I need help to control myself during the stressful times. I just hope they don't take my baby away. People on the forum have told me they won't, as they hear stories like mine all the time, and they just realise I will need help. I hope so, because I love my baby boy so much, I can't live without him :(
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