23 weeks! And oops, long time since update!

All is progressing well with the pregnancy. I had a bad fall at the beginning of October which saw me go to A&E instead of a wedding reception, as I badly hurt my right foot/ankle and had nasty cuts to my left knee and big toe. I was in agony with my foot and could barely walk, but as I'm pregnant they didn't want to X-ray me, especially as my foot didn't hurt in the right places that would indicate a fracture. Luckily it has healed up ok with just a bandage, although the first night I was crying with the pain and I couldn't even walk 2 metres to the toilet! Changing the pressure on the bandage and back to back paracetamol helped, then the next day it was much better.

Baby has been by far the most active little bean I remember having. I had my anomaly scan at almost 21 weeks, and I was curious to find out if the placenta was at the front of my uterus, or, as I suspected, at the back. Sure enough, it was at the back, so I'm feeling every little kick and wriggle!

The sonographer checked everything out, and could see everything present and correct as far as she could tell which was a relief, and as she did the measurements, I stared to see if I could see a telltale sign as to whether Pipkin was a boy or a girl. As she got the thigh measurement, I was pretty sure I could see what gender our sweet baby was... But wanted confirmation, so at the end when she asked if we had any questions, I begged her to find out if we were expecting a boy or a girl. I held my breath the entire time, as she positioned the device to look, and she said to us "well... It looks like you're having a baby girl!" Which was what I thought I had seen earlier but didn't dare to believe until she said it too. As I got down from the table/bench afterwards, having wiped all the jelly off my abdomen, I must have looked like the Cheshire Cat! Yes, I cried a little in the room. A baby girl!!! 2 weeks on now, and another scan later (to confirm the kidneys) at which she also double checked the gender again, and I think I might be starting to actually believe that after 3 lovely cheeky boys, I get to raise a DAUGHTER.

She is such (SUCH) an active baby. I'm feeling at LEAST 6 bouts of strong kicks a day, even though I am sometimes very busy, and she's still so little, only about 1lb in weight (although that seems very big too, as it doesn't seem that long ago she was the size of a poppyseed and weighed less than a gram in weight!). Time seems to be flying so so fast, and the older two boys are absolutely over the moon that they're getting a sister! D, is only 3.5 years old so he's not all that aware of what it means, although he had been maintaining for a while before we found out that "it not a baby boy, it a baby GIRL". Whereas R and C were hugging themselves in anticipation saying "ooooooh I hope it's a girl, I really REALLY hope it's a girl!" So when we brought home a box with multicolour stripes in, hiding a "it's a girl!" balloon, and opened it up to show the boys (and grandma and grandad) what was inside, there was lots of whooping and joyful leaping around! :) and Christopher coming up to me, giving me a hug and saying "I'm so HAPPY it's a girl!" It really really made my heart sing!

Other news, is that we have just bought some triple bunks for the boys, which will be set up tomorrow and they (and I) am very excited to get them up and built :) a nice Saturday morning job. :)

Robert in Reception

We are in the last week before half term, and Robert is still coming out of school every day on the black cloud for hurting other children or being too rough generally, invading personal space, not listening to adults. It is slowly destroying my soul that my first born, my gorgeous boy, is acting so horribly at school. We are trying reward systems for him, the first day with little to no success. Today is the second day.

It has got to the point where I am not bothering to make sure I leave by 5 past to get there early, as he is always sitting on the carpet so the teacher can explain to me just how horrible my child has been that day when all the other children have gone. :(

Yesterday I came home and cried all afternoon. I do not know what to do. I am in completely over my head and feel like running away and leaving someone else to it. But I can't, because I am his mother. It is my responsibility as his main carer to see that he becomes a respectable adult, and so far I am failing miserably.

Tomorrow is his first parents evening. And I know exactly how it's going to go. And the thought of that is bringing me close to tears again.

I want to not care, to leave it as a school problem. Let them deal with it. But I can't do that of course, and it's tearing me up from the inside out.

Almost 5 months old!

Well the last time I posted, Daniel was just 2 months old. I've been SO incredibly slack here, but then no-one seems to have noticed my disappearance anyway, as most of you are probably on Facebook so connected with me there.

Daniel will be 5 months old on Thursday! How time has flown! He is not an easy baby, but then he's not a hard baby either. One thing is for sure, and that is that he likes attention and closeness with those he is familiar with. His big brothers dote on him, and are for the most part, very gentle. But Daniel seems determined not to remain a baby for long, he is already sitting unassisted for a few seconds, rolling from front to back and back to front, pushing up on his hands, and has managed to get on his knees a couple of times. He pushes himself backwards and gets squashed up against sofas, toy boxes etc. He is grabbing quite accurately with his hands, and gets very excited when we sit him on our laps while eating. He has had a suck of apple, and cucumber, and got very cross when he dropped it! We semi- co sleep,he is exclusively breastfed (apart from the minuscule amount of apple and cucumber juice he may have consumed), and his main method of transport is the sling, except in the car of course!



I have even managed to get him on my back, and am slowly becoming more accomplished with back carries, which will be particularly useful as he is a big boy for his age, on the 98th centile for length, and the 75th for weight.

On to the big brothers! Robert has recently started full time in reception year, after almost 4 weeks of part time. He is struggling to settle in to the routine and fit in with the rules of school, and has been moved up their disciplinary ladder more often than not in the time he has been at school. The children start off on the sunshine every morning, if they carry on doing something when they are told not to, they get moved onto the grey cloud, if they do it again, they get moved onto the black cloud and they miss out on golden time. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that it is Robert's personality and not a reflection on my parenting per se. But it is hard, and has made me have good long thinking sessions. I struggle to understand, or enjoy time I spend with Robert. His personality is so full on, so exhausting and unlike mine, that the games he enjoys seems to be time wasting to me. He has so much pent up energy a lot of the time that it gets unleashed at home, running around the living room and crashing into the sofas, playing with cars he will get bored of driving them around properly and then it will devolve into rolling them back and forth along the same area at high speed, inevitably catching someone's hand or foot as he isn't watching what he is doing. I have yet to figure out what it is he actually needs... It's like I'm groping around in the dark when it comes to parenting Robert. But one day we will get there. One thing I am proud of is his progress in literacy skills. He has enjoyed blending words together from early on in nursery (just turned 4) and he is getting better and better. He is learning his keywords well, and now knows "the" which was tricky at first for him as he kept sounding it out and getting confused when the resulting word was "ter-her-eh" he enjoys his "reading" books he comes home with twice weekly. They have no words to read generally apart from the title, and the idea is to tell the story from the pictures.

As for his relationship with his brothers, Robert absolutely adores Daniel. Every morning he comes straight in to our room, climbs up on the bed to see Daniel and snuggle up to him. When I expressed some milk for him a while ago, Robert revelled in his duty of feeding Daniel (who took the bottle like a pro!), and was so tender and loving towards him while he head the bottle for Daniel. On the contrary, his relationship with Christopher is often very fraught, and filled with arguments. Christopher and Robert are like chalk and cheese. Robert is an outdoor child, Christopher is an indoor child. Robert flits from activity to activity, Christopher concentrates for extended periods of time. Robert can be quite boisterous, and rather like a bull in a china shop sometimes, whereas Christopher seems much calmer. They both do the typical small child thing of wanting exactly the same toy that the other has. But they do have their moments of laughter and fun. They enjoy a bit of rough and tumble with each other, Robert will give Christopher pony rides, and it's a joy to see them playing happily WITH each other so I tend to only step in if completely necessary.

Christopher is in his last year of being at home with me all the time (except Tuesdays which he spends with his grandparents). Next September he will be starting Pre-school and the thought makes me really sad! I seem to "get" him much more than I do Robert, he is a joy to look after on his own (well, him with his baby brother), whereas it can get stressful with Robert around! Christopher has started talking LOADS more. The leap in his speech compared to when he had his 2.5 year review is astounding. He has lost his cute "gub"s which was the word he used for yes. And he is speaking in 5+ word sentences now, joining several sentences together to iterate his thoughts. His pronounciation s are still quite babyish which is very cute. :) he can't pronounce "l" very well so it usually ends up as "y", such as "yeyyow", "yuv" "yike". He also says things like "dis quite bicy Mummy" (this is quite spicy mummy). And clever is "kwevah". :) he is very thoughtful and shows concern for other people (which Robert does very rarely), and also, Christopher does NOT like getting told off. But in the way that it upsets him that you're cross with him, he always looks rather distressed, then starts crying, and comes up for a hug, before saying "me vewy sowwy mummy". Robert on the other hand doesn't seem to care when told off, and starts fake crying when part of his discipline involves something being taken away, or him having to do something he dislikes.

I find it so hard to tell what a child's personality is like before the age of 2 ish, even my own children. So it is hard for me to know what Daniel will be like once he is older.

Well Daniel is awake now so I have to go. I hope the next gap won't be so long as the last!

33 weeks - pregnancy stuff, nappy stuff, kid stuff

So, 33 weeks and counting here! I'm getting SO big now, and achy. Waddling already, rolling off the sofa like a beached whale, that kind of thing. I'm enjoying having a big ol' pregnant tummy, but boy I forgot how exhausting it is! And I think sometimes that I have SEVEN more weeks to go. SEVEN! Which is an age away, and when people dare to say it's not that long, they face the pregnant woman's wrath ;) Seven weeks more growing, bigger belly, possibly swelling to come. But for now, it's manageable.

Heartburn comes and goes in waves - some days/weeks it's awful then it goes away for a while. I had a couple of nights last week which were awful, one night I couldn't sleep til I took some gaviscon (which I will avoid taking like the plague!). The next night it seemed to feel as bad so I took some before I went to bed, which was a much smarter thing to do.

Baby boy is now squirming and pushing arms and legs around in there rather than fierce kicks. Goes to show how big he is getting and that he's already running out of room. He definitely has his more active moments, which can leave me feeling rather breathless and sore!

The midwives appointments I've had this pregnancy are going well - my body seems to cope very well with it, I've never had a high blood pressure reading, nor anything show up in my wee. Baby is growing well too and was measuring 34cm on my visit last week at 32w6d.

I have my homebirth assessment visit early next month when I'll be 36 weeks. Seems crazy that I'm so close to the end already. I mentioned to my dad that I'm having another homebirth, and well, he didn't say much but what he did say made it clear he wasn't sure I was doing the right thing by that (but tried to sound supportive in saying that it was my choice lol). But I'm convinced it will be fine, after all, I have the experience of two births behind me, and taken things from each one.

Jonathan and I are busy preparing for the visit, as well as getting all the bits in the house ready that we want to be sorted before the baby arrives. It's a LONG list but we managed to sort out the boys' room (I say we, it was mostly Jonathan), with the boys' new beds, and moved the cot back into our room. We still have a lot more tidying to do, and cleaning too but our hoover's fan belt has broken so we can't vacuum anything now until that gets replaced. Next on the agenda is the stairs, hallway and our bedroom, as we are getting our new bed delivered at the end of the month. Then will be the old study getting sorted, and things being brought down to the new study. And the lounge as well. The boys bedroom looks great now - so much more roomy despite the two beds in there being bigger than the two beds that were there previously! Robert has a single bed now, and Christopher has Robert's old cotbed that's seen him through from birth until almost 4 and a half.

Christopher's speech has suddenly come on loads in the last few weeks. His vocabulary (though still unrecognisable to a lot of people) has exploded, and he is now joining several words together a lot of the time. He is still enjoying his jigsaw puzzles, although he is doing them by choice less often, and most surprisingly to me, he is learning letter sounds!! I know that second children pick stuff up from older siblings, but for goodness sake, he's 2 and a half and he knows the sounds for g, c, e, o, s, l, z, p, k, and less reliably for a, d, t, f, i, r. I bought the boys some foam letters for the bath today, so they played with them in the bath. Robert is coming on so well with reading and knowing how to spell simple words. I need to focus on him actually physically writing the words down too, but with pre-made letter shapes he will spell out all kinds of words, and even had a go at spelling elephant - it came out "elft" but I was still so proud! I also began to teach him about the magic e - by putting down words like "kit" and "win" and then adding an e and telling him they change the sound of the i, and did a few more words for him to practice on, all with i tonight. I know he's not specifically going to be learning how to read until he starts reception, but I figure that as he's enthusiastic, it can't hurt to give him a head start! He already knows that oo make the ooooooh sound, and ee make the sound of the letter E, so he can read words like "poo" and "sleep". He even spelt out "peas" by himself, writing "peez" :)

It's lovely to see both of the boys new achievements, and how also they feed into each other. Christopher is suddenly much more affectionate these days, and often catches sight of me and says "mummy uck!" (mummy hug) and comes and gives me a cuddle. It also makes my day when I hear him say "Booboo uck!" because that's his way of saying "Robert hug" - Booboo is his name for Robert!! So sweet! Robert to himself used to be "Ubberd". Christopher has yet to refer to himself by name though :) Christopher's new favourite phases/words though - by FAR - unfortunately, are "no WAY!" and "YUCK!" which we hear several times a day. I try to encourage "No thank you" rather than "No WAY!" but I often can't stop myself laughing! Ooops.

On other news, I have bought some cloth nappies!! Well, ordered them anyway. I have a few already I bought cheaply from someone on facebook, hardly used, and some from freegle which well.. I'm assuming have seen better days. I'm not sure if I can get those worthy for use, we'll see. But I've bought 12 minky pocket nappies, 9 with poppers and 3 with velcro, that go from birth to potty. So exciting!! I can't wait to get them, it also means I can have a go with Christopher!! :) I've ordered some extra inserts to go with them too, to bring my order total above £60 as my local government give £25 cashback on cloth nappy purchases over £60. So a little over £35 for 12 pocket nappy wraps, and 44 insert pads isn't bad at all! :) And they're so perdy!!! Oooh I can't wait to share photos!!

Anyway I'll leave this here for now, I've rambled on enough and it's getting late. :)

Swimming

So, we took the boys swimming on Saturday.  The last time Robert went in the swimming pool, he was around 19 months old, and we were on holiday in Cornwall. I was around 6 months pregnant with Christopher.  Christopher had never been in a swimming pool until yesterday, and the boys both did really well!  We weren't sure if Christopher would enjoy it or not, but he loved it!  Grinning and laughing the whole time, especially when he could splash, and he liked it when I rocked him back and forth in the water too.  Robert loved walking through the water, and could go right to the deeper end of the training pool, but it was difficult to help him relax in the water, we tried getting him to lay flat on his back in the water with us supporting him, and he kept bringing his knees and legs up.  I finally had a bit of success, and after a while when they both started shivering, we got them out, and on the way home, Robert kept begging us to take him back to the pool!

We're going to try and go once a week, it should do them both good anyway, even if I'm going to need to find a maternity swimming costume, as the size 18 tankini was constantly riding up (never felt so self conscious - and here was me thinking I didn't weigh as much as when I was pregnant with Christopher - this was the same swimming costume I wore last time!)

The reason we went swimming, is because it seems that Robert needs some sort of physical outlet.  He is so energetic, and he just needs *something* to wear him out, to stop him bouncing the walls all the time.  There's not much that he will happily sit down to do that is quiet.  He's not much for books (except his bedtime story), he doesn't particularly like puzzles, or drawing.  He will do them occasionally, but it's not an activity he requests much.  The only time he seems to want to do puzzles is when he sees Christopher doing them.  But even then not all the time.

Christopher's new favourite activity is by far jigsaws.  I don't know where it came from all of a sudden, but impressively, at just 2 years 3 months, he totally "gets" them!  He can do 24 piece puzzles easily on his own.  We have a few larger ones of 35 piece and 50 piece, he has a huge foam floor puzzle of dinosaurs which is 48 piece.  And the other day I ordered some 60 piece puzzles.  I took out the easier picture of the two 60 piece ones which was an Octonauts one, and with some help he did it.  Today, I gave even less help (once I moved a couple of stuck together pieces near to where they should go on the larger done piece, and a couple of times I suggested what piece to look for - "Shall we try and find the piece with the dolphin's back on it?"  "Who do you think is next to Peso in the Gup-A?") and he did it probably 90-95% unaided.  I reckon tomorrow he'll be able to do it 100% unaided.  I can't believe he can do a 60 piece puzzle at not even 28 months old.  This puzzle is recommended for children aged 4 years and above!

On pregnancy news, I'm now 24 weeks and 3 days - I have my 24 week midwife appointment on Wednesday when I'll be 24 weeks and 6 days ;)  I am hoping that I will be able to get my 24 week belly photo up soon - I need to get Jonathan to transfer it to the computer, or to find the right cable myself.  Anyway that's all for now, I'll be back soon!

Lots of updates

Well there seems to be so much going on at the moment, firstly Robert starting Nursery (pre-school), then Christopher's birthday, the garage conversion, and last but not least the new baby. This entry is likely to be long as I'm covering all four!

Starting with the first, Robert's been at nursery now for a week. He started last Friday, and has done SO well. He's settled in beautifully, and really enjoys going. After he's hung his coat and bag up, we go over to find his name badge, and then he goes off to play. He is right at home and doesn't even stop to say goodbye! When I asked his teacher a question, I then had to go and find him to say goodbye! He's been doing pictures and paintings, has told me he has a friend called Ewan who goes to nursery (somewhat confusing as that's also his cousin's name!). He has trouble remembering everything he's played with but does remember a few bits. Overall, I'm pleased he's settled in so well, and quickly, and I think that makes my decision not to send him to a private nursery beforehand a sound one.

Now my mornings are just with Christopher, it seems a bit odd! We've been keeping ourselves busy, mostly going out and about, to groups or whatnot. Things at the moment are a bit complicated because of the building work going on in our garage, but we work around it.

The builders have made fabulous progress. The garage door has gone, the front has been bricked up with just a hole where the window will go once it arrives. The wall framework was made, then they got the ceiling supported on both sides of the wall (complete with a clear plastic dust sheet so the remaining space in the kitchen was usable), and then the wall knocked through. There is now a supporting beam in the ceiling to hold the house up because the kitchen wall was load-bearing. Yesterday they worked on the floor, putting in wooden struts and filling the space with block insulation, then putting floor boards down. Finally, they put up the dividing wall framework. Today, they finished off the framework, and filled the walls with more block insulation, except for one panel in the adjoining wall to allow movement between the two separate rooms. The next bit of the job is the electricians and plumbers, who will sort out lighting, sockets and the water pipes. There's currently a pipe in the middle of the wall they knocked down, so that'll have to be re-routed. Then once all the electrics and water pipes are sorted, the builders will come back to put the plasterboard up on the walls, and any other jobs they need to carry on with. It still seems hard to visualise just how big the kitchen will be as there's a dustsheet and kitchen cabinets on the floor in there. Plus the table that will go in at some point! The study seems like a great size though, with plenty of room for storage as well as the computers. I'm glad all this is getting done in my early pregnancy, so hopefully it will all be COMPLETELY finished (including new kitchen installed and decorating done) by the time baby is here!

Onto Christopher. He had his second birthday on Tuesday. I can't believe he's two, TWO whole years old. He is my cheeky little ray of sunshine. I adore it when he grins at me with those dimpled cheeks, as if to say "oh yes, Mummy, I'm about to be cheeky, and I KNOW you love it!" He and his big brother are playing together more and more. They are beginning to play wrestle!! With Christopher usually the one who pushes his brother over and clambers on top! On Christopher's birthday, we opened presents first thing in the morning. Jonathan and I had blown up 20 balloons the night before (but one got a hole in the neck while it was being tied, and another went down overnight), so Robert was quite happy to play with the balloons and didn't seem to mind much that all the presents were for Christopher! I'm sure it'll be Christopher we have to console on Robert's birthday! We dropped Robert off at nursery, then the three of us went to Irchester Country Park and let Christopher play in the play area there for a while, before he wanted a drink. The cafe was open so we went and got tea for us, and a fruit shoot for Christopher (it was a special occasion after all - I can't stand those things! The kids usually have water when out and about, or squash if we take their cups). After we picked Robert up from nursery, we then went on to Northampton and went out for lunch with Jonathan's parents at the Harvester. Then back to their house where Christopher had yet more presents, then tea and birthday cake, followed by a trip to the park, during which we all got soaked as it suddenly downpoured! It was a good day though, and Christopher got lots and lots of dinosaur presents, and consequently, he now seems to have a new word "dah-dor" or dinosaur (although I can't be 100% sure, as I point to one, and he will say "RAAAAAR!" rather than saying dah-dor. I remember this stage in communication very frustrating, as they start saying words, but as they're not recognisable, it takes a while before you learn the words as they say them. It sounds very much at first like they're still babbling! But it's promising that he's moving forward slowly.

Finally, the new baby. :) This pregnancy, I don't know if it's because I've done it twice before so it's not as novel, or if it's because I'm just not SURE on dates, but I'm not keeping track on how many weeks and days pregnant I am. I am thinking to myself that my due date is 30th April, but I don't KNOW whether that is an accurate representation of when I conceived. The midwife put me as 27th April due date. I just have NO idea, and am waiting for my scan so I feel like I do have a proper date. And yes, I know this DATE means nothing!! But it means I can finally start to keep a track of my weeks, and know what's going on! By my April 30th estimate, I am 9 weeks 3 days. Which is 9 weeks 6 days on my record.

I received my scan appointment through the post this morning. It's a late morning appointment on October 18th which is a Thursday (and therefore the most awkward day possible, as that's the one day the in-laws can't babysit - so goodness knows what we're going to do! It's also awkward as Robert needs picking up from nursery 10 minutes after the scan appointment starts). I MIGHT have to be attending this scan alone :S Which I'm a little worried about, because I have this feeling that things might not be ok. I'm still getting days of morning sickness (strangely they seem to alternate - one day will be bad, the next day quite bearable, then bad again the next day), so I guess that should reassure me. Still no bleeding, although several days ago (might have even been before my booking appointment) I had a SLIGHT amount of red mixed in with CM (which is still plentiful) and then nothing more. Of course I have no real reason to be worried, everything probably is fine. But the thought of a missed miscarriage keeps popping into my head. Anyway. On the scan date, I should be between 11 weeks 6 days and 12 weeks 5 days. So I should be able to nub spot, assuming that all is ok and baby is still well. Still thinking it's a boy though! I know plenty of people that have had 3+ boys and no girls, but also quite a lot that have had two boys, followed by a girl. I think I'll be joining the 3+ boy group!

Well, that'll do for a very long update entry! x

New beginnings

As most of you will know, Robert is starting nursery tomorrow morning. I'm not sure what this is to Americans.. Pre-kindergarten? He's going for the morning sessions of 9.05am til 11.35am. I've been labelling clothes, packing his little rucksack, and mentally preparing him for his first morning away from family.

Mentioning throughout the day about him starting tomorrow, reminding him about the toys and activities and equipment they have there. Telling him he'll see the teachers who came to see him at our house a few weeks ago. When my dad called, he wanted to talk to Robert too, who very quietly answered all the questions his Grandad asked, and promised to remember everything he did at nursery so he could tell Grandad this weekend during his visit.

Later, in the bath, I started talking about it again, and told him what he should expect to happen tomorrow. I made sure to prepare him for the fact that he would be playing there without me, that I would be leaving. In the next sentence I told him that I would come back and pick him up for lunch. After a little while, when this information had sunk in, his bottom lip trembled a little, and fear flashed across his face. "I don't want you to leave, Mummy. I want you to play with me at nursery."

I looked at him with what I hoped was a comforting smile, although on the inside I felt myself weep at his vulnerability. "I know, sweetie. But you will have lots of new friends to make, lots of other boys and girls, and the teachers who will play with you. And I'll be back after a little while to come take you home for lunch." Robert's face seemed a little brighter, and I decided to sweeten the deal.

"Hey," I said, grinning at him. "How about, as a special treat for when you finish your first morning at nursery, you get to choose what to have for lunch tomorrow?"

He looked up at me, grinned and said "I know, I want chocolate buttons... In my sandwich!". My mental self looked aghast at the idea of a chocolate button sandwich, but figured if he didn't like it he could pick the buttons out separately, so smiled and told him that of course he could have a chocolate button sandwich, and while he was playing at nursery, I would go and get some from the shops.

Tonight, I am hoping beyond hope that he is happy tomorrow, that he has fun, and doesn't miss me *too* much. But I'm not going to lie: if he comes out, flings himself into my arms with a big grin on his face, and tells me he missed me, part of me is going to like that. As long as he has fun!

Reaching the end of a mutually desired breastfeeding relationship

When I first set out on my breastfeeding journey with Robert, I was grateful to make it to a week.



With him spending the first 5 days of his life in SCBU, his supplementation with formula in his first few days, my inability to express ANYTHING for him (due to immediate post natal stress and trauma, I had no real drive to do it), and bonding struggles.



As the weeks went on, I struggled with my new role of "mum", struggled with the whole issue surrounding his birth and delivery, with his time in hospital.

Most of the time, breastfeeding was ok. But in the evenings, it was a nightmare. With me literally pulling my hair out in frustration over his bad latching, my sore nipples, and a husband who did NOT know what to do, he came out with the F word. Not to say it doesn't have its place, but in my mind, I did NOT want my baby getting any more formula. And I could work through another night, and another night after that. It was around 4 or 5 weeks old that I began expressing a bottle of milk for Robert to have in the evenings. I so badly wanted to continue to breastfeed my baby, I guess my initial goal was 6 months, and I was still only at a month, when Jonathan mentioned formula. I knew that even supplementing one bottle a day could be the start of a slippery slope and end up in a struggling milk supply and a baby weaned onto formula. So began the expressing. Just one bottle a day.



And this, I believe, saved our breastfeeding relationship. 6 months came and went, and by the time he was 7 months old or so, he stopped having expressed milk and was entirely breastfed.



Breastfeeding was finally easy, the hardest bit was over! I made it!



Fast forward to a year old, to 2 years old, to 3 years old, and Robert is still being breastfed. I NEVER ever EVER thought I would be breastfeeding a 3 year old. Hell, I never even thought I'd be feeding a TWO year old. But here I am, Robert is 3 years and 2 months old and still nurses at LEAST once, usually twice, and occasionally 3+ times a day. It winds me up when people say that children his age don't "need" it anymore. They are of course speaking nutritionally, that they are capable of eating a full and complete diet of foods away from mum. Which is true, he is capable of eating and drinking all his needs away from my breasts. But most of these people will agree that a cup of cows milk is a healthy or, in some people's opinion, necessary part of a small child's diet. COWS milk? But not HUMAN milk? You see people, stuffing their faces with a donut, and saying between mouthfuls that he's "too old" for that, that he "doesn't need that".

Anyway, I digress, I have always, past a certain age, where I seem to get raised eyebrows from family members (I never get more than that, as I, in a pre-emptive strike, tell people that I believe that nursing is the right thing for my child, and that I will continue to do so as long as we both mutually desire to. I do NOT want to be nursing a 4 year old. Part of me has hoped for some time that Robert would self wean, but he hasn't even SLOWED DOWN yet, and lately he has been asking MANY times a day. He is never really upset if I say no, yet if he starts to nurse and I need to go and do something (like get Christopher to bed), tantrums will ensue if I have to cut the session short. I say no more often than I say yes. A LOT more often. Now I know that I could try other tactics to get him to slow down. Some people swear by offering LOTS, so that he just doesn't ask anymore and he knows it's not "off bounds". Some go by a "don't offer, don't refuse". I cannot do that one. He would nurse 5 or 6 times a day or more. I don't have the energy to do that, and if Robert nurses more than a short while during the day, I start to get fidgetty, and my skin starts to crawl.

This morning I got up before he woke up, and even though he always always has a morning feed, I didn't this morning, despite him asking me if he could have some. I am just at that stage, where I want him now to be DONE. It will take a while I am sure to work out the best way. But we will get there.

Potty training dilemmas.

Soo... we have been potty training for what feels like YEARS. It's been more like a few months, but I thought last week that we would just go for it. Robert has all the physical signs of being ready. He can undress himself, he shows awareness that he's been (well, at least for poos! In fact he is (or was, I should say - sigh) number two toilet trained. But he just has no problem weeing in his nappy all the time. We had two days where he had NO accidents at all, but he "went" less than usual over those days, something I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not. Then yesterday he had a good morning, no accidents, but then had a massive accident while I was out shopping. And he seems to have acquired a toilet aversion and now will not go and will prefer sitting in time out (yes I know I know, punishment for refusal to go probably wasn't the best idea) to actually going and sitting on the toilet, and he had an accident while sitting there.

I was in tears over it, because I thought maybe finally he was actually "getting it" but now we've seemed to have gone back a step.

I just feel that I am on a clock to get him toilet trained, that if he is still in nappies when he starts nursery aged nearly 4, I will be branded "lazy" for not having toilet trained him. That I will be accused of wanting the staff to do it for me. Having worked in a nursery myself, I know that the staff aren't being paid to toilet train children, that they are being paid to teach social skills and prepare them for school, and to supervise them. I want him to be in pants, and it is just SO demoralising putting him in pants, putting him back in nappies, putting him back in pants, putting him back in nappies.

Plus I feel that when my in-laws look after Robert on the one morning a week, they've seen him in and out of nappies so many times, and I just feel like they will be judging me for not "sticking with it" yet again. I think it's hit me hardest this time round because on previous occasions, my heart has not been in it, I have been too impatient with accidents, not rewarding enough for attempts, and it's been due to huge stress on my part that he's gone back in nappies. This time it feels like I have tried harder, that I have been more patient, and it's still gone tits up, and I just feel like a complete and utter failure.

He was in pants Friday, Saturday, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. Sunday he wasn't feeling well so I gave him a day off. And today he is back in nappies again. I hate hate hate that I have had to make this decision, people on facebook keep reassuring me it's for the best, but I feel like such an utter failure, that people will judge me for not "sticking with it" and just soldiering through and just GETTING IT DONE.

Yesterday I just sat down on the floor and started crying, and Robert bless him didn't know what was wrong. He asked why I had gone upstairs, and I told him it was because I was getting sad and cross and I didn't want to hurt him so I went away from him for a while. Because, urgh, yes, I still lose my temper with him far too many times to even bear writing about and the fact that I was able to go upstairs yesterday when it was all getting a bit much was a BIG DEAL. He was so sweet, and sat down on my lap, and said very sweetly "You can play with me if you like? Here, have this car"

I just don't know what to do about it. I feel so de-moralised, I just want to forget about it. But I can't because if I do I just know he'll be in reception before he's toilet trained.

Christmas countdown and other goings-on

Well there are now 12 days to go til Christmas, and as usual, we are still finishing off buying Christmas presents. We don't have things for our parents, and we are trying desperately to think of things. I think it may have to be a medley of grandchild-made gifts for them this year, which means a busy week for me, and I should really make a list of what to make and when it needs to be done!

Just realised my last post was on the 28th of November, and that the next day I, as many of you will know from Facebook, passed my driving test first time! On Sunday I did my first un-chaperoned drive, which I felt strangely comfortable about! And now I can't wait to get a second car for us to keep here! I have a feeling that home improvements will go a lot faster once I have a car... Which I also predict will mean a rather sharp increase on our monthly outgoings. What Jonathan and I found rather amusing was that adding me to his insurance for the Yaris actually SAVED him £33! (which must mean they regard me as the safest driver haha)

I am also busy trying to convince him that he wants a third child, something that I don't seem to be doing too well at lately. :( yesterday I suggested that if we had another baby, and it was another boy, we could call him Daniel, as that's the name he's been itching for since day 1! He seemed to have mixed feelings about that heh. But having said that I am for now, happy to not be pregnant. Just as well, I am currently in the middle of my second post-natal period.

On boy news, they are both progressing beautifully. :) Robert is in the early stages of potty training... And has been forever it feels like. I get him to sit on the potty regularly, and he's been on the toilet a few times too. But he has NO idea when he needs to do either. The regular potty time is catching all his poos, but not his wees so we have quite a lot of accidents when he is in pants. I guess for now I just carry on getting him sitting on the potty several times a day and hoping that eventually he'll tell me when he needs a wee or a poo. It just seems never ending lately.

Christopher is not saying anything other than "geh" for again, which was the same as Robert! Sometimes he will wave and babble in a way that it sounds like he's trying to say "bye bye daddy" but with varying sounds making up the babbling. He's becoming quite reliant on me being around, and gets very clingy sometimes. And when he is upset, he wants ME. Not necessarily for gah-gee, cuddles will do, but only from me, no-one else. Something that got Jonathan quite upset at the weekend. He was a little happier when Christopher obliged him with a kiss (something that can be touch and go!) and when, this morning, Christopher got upset about Jonathan going downstairs and didn't seem to want to come to me.

Another thing Christopher is enjoying is playing with Robert's duplo, so I'm guessing we will be going on a duplo hunt this weekend! I'm really looking forward to giving the boys their main joint Christmas present... a dolls house! While the vast majority of the boys' toys are gender neutral or boy ones, they do each have a doll and they will love their dolls house I'm sure! And was such a bargain too!

A while ago I got the boys some painting to do, they love painting, but ohhh boy it is messy and it seems to take longer to set it up and clear it (and the boys) up afterwards than the time they are interested in it!! But they did enjoy it and we later used the finished paintings to make paper chains with.







At one point, Robert enjoyed simply making patterns in the paint with his finger, so I let him continue doing this all over the tray, and then put a piece of paper down on top of the pattern and rubbed the pattern onto the paper!



You can see the two patterned ones here, the red one next to the black bag, and the cream and gold one near the washing machine. All the others were made using brushes, hands, rollers etc. :)



Oh and hot news in from the press - Robert seems to be aware of his bowel movements yippee! This morning, I hadn't changed his nappy or got him to sit on the potty, and he said "Oh mummy, I need a poopoo" and started tugging down his pjs and nappy. Went and sat on the toilet (on his new toilet seat) and did a bit of wee, and then said "would you JUST GO Mummy?!!" so I went, and listened like crazy for rustlings of toilet paper, went back in at the appropriate time, and sure enough he'd done a poo! Sooo so pleased!!! Was so proud of him for telling me instead of just going in his nappy! And I feel a bit more confident that sooner or later he will realise that he needs a wee and tell me about that too!

Anyway, will leave off here for now with a photo (pre-haircut!!) of my two little men
Excuse mucky clothes lol. I gave him tomatoes or something equally mucky for lunch it seems that day and I rarely bother with bibs anymore!

5 days left

In just 5 days, I will no longer have a 2 year old, but will have a 3 year old instead. It makes me feel very emotional, because I just can't believe that almost 3 years ago, I had the most eventful day (and following week) of my life. Just two months ago, we celebrated Christopher's 1st birthday. It was a wonderful day, and unlike Robert's 1st (and 2nd) birthday, I did not get emotional at all. I guess because with Christopher, the birth experience was a joyful experience to me, and it all went wonderfully. I find myself getting that burning welling-up sensation in my throat and eyes just thinking about Robert's birthday. I guess his birthdays mean so much more to me because we almost lost him, because when he was born, we thought we HAD already lost him. The memory of what happened one, two, and now three years previously is still etched in my mind, and while it is becoming more distant, it will always be a reality for me.

After the ride in the ambulance, legs and feet sticky with blood from the birth, in a nightie and dressing gown over the top, sliding around on an uncomfortable seat, where I found it hard to really come to terms with what had happened, nor the baby in the carry case beside me with the paramedic, I spent the journey stealing little glances at him, while trying not to fall off the seat, my mind numb. I distinctly remember the midwife who came into the ambulance with us telling me that it was "ok" for me to cry. Did she really think I was holding back tears to appear brave? When we finally got to hospital, I was put into a wheelchair, and Robert was whisked off to SCBU. I was taken into a room, my legs cleaned a bit, and then assessed for pereneal damage, and consequently stitched up. While I was there (not while I was actually being stitched up though, thankfully) the doctors came and gave an overview on what was happening with Robert, I remember laying there in emotional numbness, being told that my son might end up with brain damage, that they would need to monitor him and that he would need furthur tests. My mum came in during the stitches, which she found rather disconcerting, seeing some woman's head between my legs haha! But I was glad at the distraction she provided. She told me that Jonathan's parents had arrived, and had gone to see Robert and Jonathan. I asked her to phone my dad and let him know.

After it was all done, I was allowed to bath, and it was lovely slipping into the hot water, and strangely therapeutic to see the bath water turning red as my body became clean. Thankfully, after a while, Jonathan poked his head in, and I asked him to help me out. I felt so weak I had to get him to help dry me, and then as my nightie I wore to the hospital was covered in blood, I put on a rather fetching hospital gown, luckily I was going back into the wheelchair. Jonathan wheeled me to the SCBU, to see Robert properly for the first time.



I was greeted with a baby in an incubator, strapped up in wires to his hands, feet, and one on his chest, monitoring blood flow, oxygen levels, breathing, and temperature, and administering fluids and antibiotics. I was told that this was my baby, but he didn't feel like mine.

I can't remember whether it was before or after I went in to see him that I saw Jonathan's parents in the little waiting room outside the SCBU. I was there in the wheelchair, and chatted lightheartedly with them. It was so surreal. I guess it was after, because surely Jonathan would have taken me in straight away.

That night Jonathan spent the night in my room with me. I was glad, we spent the night crying with each other. The emotions finally caught up with me, having seen the baby they said was mine, that he was alive, and in no immediate danger to his life, although the severity of his brain damage was yet to be seen. We cried for all that had happened that day, for all that might happen in the future. We were given a private room, thank goodness. I heard babies crying from the wards during the following days, which cut me, but not too deeply, as I knew even though he wasn't next to me, he was ok.

The next day, I put the baby to my breast. I wanted to breastfeed, I told the nurses in SCBU that. But it didn't feel as I thought it would.



Still, every four hours I would go down and put the baby to my breast. Sometimes he would take it, sometimes he wouldn't. When the doctors told me they wanted to give him formula until my milk came in, I told them it was ok, as long as it wasn't given by bottle. So they taught us how to feed him by cup.



After a few days (or what felt like it), the doctors and nurses told us it was exhausting him to cup feed, so they inserted a tube down his nose to feed him the formula. They showed us how to do this too, by pulling out some stomach fluid with the syringe, to test the acidity (to check that it was in his stomach and hadn't come out), before pushing the formula through the tube down into his stomach. Before each formula "feed", he would have a nappy change, which was interesting when he was in the incubator and you had to try and do it with your hands through the arm holes, then I would put him to the breast, and then he would have the formula. Eventually he latched correctly, and at 4 days post-partum, when my milk came in, they took out the tube and told me he could have just my milk from then on. During the first few days I did only go down when I had to, every 4 hours, for the feeds. I knew I could go down more often, but I didn't want to. Something that thinking back made me feel very guilty, but given my emotional state I guess it wasn't unsurprising.

On the Thursday I believe it was, Robert and I went by ambulance with the neonatal nurse Angela to Northampton General, to have an EEG taken of Robert's brain activity. It all came back normal, and while it was done he was good as gold, and nursed to keep him calm and happy. When we got back to Kettering, Angela showed me how to bathe him, as he needed one - well a hair wash really, as the EEG had made his hair sticky. That afternoon he came up with me back into my room. His feeding tube was out by then of course, and there he was in the cot, in my room, all feeds and all nappy changes and all comforting was MINE.



That was when he started to feel like MINE I think, while he was in SCBU it felt like I was borrowing him, sitting with someone else's baby. When he came upstairs with me, part of me couldn't believe it, I kept staring at him, thinking "wow, he's mine, he's really mine!" but still didn't feel right picking up up to cuddle him.



Finally, at 6 days old, Robert was signed off and we got him ready to take home. It felt strange, like we were being given keys to someone else's house. I knew it was OK that we take Robert, he was ours, we had permission, but it didn't feel quite "right" if you know what I mean?

Robert was asleep the entire time we got him dressed to go, and all the way home and stayed asleep until early hours the next morning.



Reliving it all makes it seem crazy to me that this was three years ago. That that baby is now a boy, a completely normal 3 year old boy in every respect. We are so lucky that despite everything, he had no brain damage whatsoever (well, there is always the possibility of some learning difficulties in the future, but nothing outside the normal parametres that any child could have).

From this...



To this...



Wow. Tell me again, where has the time gone?

Brothers

For the most part, Robert and Christopher get on well together. But with the difference in age, ability, and understanding of various concepts brings the challenge of how to get on well all the time. Robert gets frustrated easily with Christopher who likes to come up and knock over towers he's built, or take a car from the line-up he's playing with, or break up a jigsaw. Christopher gets frustrated because Robert won't let him play with things. When Robert gets frustrated, he tends to push Christopher out of the way, usually with his head as his hands are occupied.

I don't know if it was provoked, or if he just felt like it, but while I was having a wee while the boys were in the bath next to me, I suddenly saw Robert push Christopher, who fell sideways face first into the bath. I lunged so quickly, knickers round my ankles, hitting my knee on something on the way down, and grabbed Christopher up out of the water. He started coughing and spluttering, and crying, and as he was inconsolable in the bath, I got a towel and got him out, and cuddled him, and while I did that, I told Robert how dangerous it was to push people in the bath. The tone of my voice made him listen, I was shaking for a good half hour after it happened, and I really wanted him to know how serious it was and that he shouldn't do that. I didn't want to get into the concept of drowning and death in those words, but I did tell him that people can't breathe under water and if their face goes underwater and they can't breathe, they have to go to hospital, and the doctors there will try and make them better, but sometimes they can't make them better. I left it at that, but impressed it several times in the hope that it sunk in.

They do love each other though, and most of the time it shows. Robert will do something that Christopher finds funny, Robert will do it over and over to make him laugh. :) Christopher loves to give Robert kisses - unfortunately, with his wide open mouth and the TEETH lunging towards you, Christopher's kisses are quite scary and sometimes painful, despite the sweet intent. While toys can prove a battleground, when the boys just have themselves, a table and the run of downstairs, they have so much fun, chasing each other around, giggling and squealing. They really are good friends, and I hope as they proportionally become closer in age, they will get on better and better :)

Guilt

Last night, I read a thread about a TV documentary, in which a mother left her sick child in hospital 3 weeks without seeing her. The comments in this forum thread left me wracked with guilt as it made me think back to when Robert was in SCBU. They were saying how they didn't want to leave their baby's side, that they only took a cigarette break because they could look into the room and see their baby anyway.

When Robert was in SCBU he was there for 5 days. I saw him in the incubator the night he was born, and then went up to sleep. I went down in the morning, and thereafter went to see him every 4 hours. I didn't stay very long really, mainly just to feed him and change him, and settle him back down to sleep again, then left to go back up to my room on the ward. I didn't stay with him all the time, nor did I really feel the wish to. I know that the circumstances surrounding his birth left me numb and unable to bond with him. I know that deep down, the first few days I was thinking "why am I going to see this baby?" because he didn't feel like mine. I think a part of me thought I was a fraud, that the mother of the baby would come along and say "thanks for feeding and changing him for me, I'll be taking him home now."

But even knowing this, I still feel wracked with guilt now, thinking how I was only there for Robert when I was needed to be, not because I wanted to be. I feel awful knowing this, whether it was out of my control or not.

Growing up fast.

Christopher is now 8 and a half months old, and around the same time (maybe a week off) out that he was in! He's crawling very confidently now, and already has his own mind made up about what he wants and what he likes! He loves Robert, and finds him absolutely hilarious at times. If Robert is having milk and I bring Christopher up as well (Robert has got staying latched on as I lean over to pick his brother up off the floor perfected), Christopher will grin, and immediately lean in to Robert for a hug, which is duly returned, both arms around his little brother (while still latched on!). They can be very sweet with each other :) He's also beginning to pull up, which has been cause of more than a few tears, what with pulling up on Robert's toybox, with a lid which from the side can easily catch small fingers. And also Robert's un-occupied chair, he pulls up on it, and because it's not very heavy, he falls backwards, pulling the chair over on top of himself (and sometimes banging his head on the door behind him). It's meaning now I need eyes in the back of my head, and will mean that I won't be able to leave the two boys downstairs while I do jobs upstairs, or go to the loo, Christopher will need to come with me. Truly now have my hands full!

Something I find unbelievably cute is how pleased Christopher is to see me. If I sit on the floor, and he catches sight of me, he will squeal happily, and crawl over to me, sometimes giggling away, and pull himself up onto my lap. It warms my heart and makes me so happy to see this little person full of love and joy recipricate my feelings!

Robert is getting so chatty, which is lovely to hear. His words become clearer by the day. He made his first attempts at saying all the syllables in "Christopher" yesterday which was sooo funny, I shouldn't have laughed really but it came out just a gumble of mumbly sounds, I wish I had properly thought of how it sounded so I could type it out, but never mind. He then gave a few good attempts, saying "Iss-ooover". He is beginning to say "a" and "the" in his sentences now as well, a sentence before might have been "I umpin' off oh-fah!" (I'm jumping off sofa), it's now occasionally being "I umpin' off vweh oh-fah!". He tries so hard to pronounce the "th" sound!

He is singing some whole songs now, we can tell what he's singing as well even though he doesn't get the tune right! He can sing "the wheels on the bus" very well, although most often without the "the". He sang "I'm a little teapot" earlier, singing "Here's my handle! here's my spout! tip me up! pour me out!" He does still refer to some songs by name, which sound nothing like it should be, for example, Grand Old Duke of York is "Gig-ork"

Love my little boys so much!

Oh, and one small thing to finish up on, Jonathan and I did a naughty a couple of nights ago... we didn't use anything, and even though I've not had my periods return yet, I have been having increased amounts of cervical fluid, so there might be the possibility of baby #3... I will be happy whatever the outcome, something which seems crazy, the age gap would be tiny if I was, about 17 months, but I would be happy to welcome him/her into our family! And alternatively, if I am not, then that is fine too, I am happy to wait for another year or so before we try again, although my ideal situation would be to not get to the point where we are actively trying, I guess. I know that we were only trying for a fraction of the time it has taken/taking some people to conceive with Christopher, but it still felt horrid each month to get that BFN, I can only imagine it gets exponentially worse each time... It does feel nice to know that whatever the outcome, I am at peace with it this time. I will keep things updated.

Big delay in update!

Well it's now May, Robert will be 2 and a half at the end of the month, and Christopher will be 8 months two days later. The boys have been lovely at times, and challenging at times, such is the job of "Mother" ;)

Christopher has begun to crawl, of a fashion anyway! He is most definitely able to move forwards to get at something he wants, and is able to get where-ever he wants to on one level. At the moment it's more of an army crawl, pulling himself along by his arms with a boost from his legs. His new trick of the last few days is getting his legs right underneath himself, and then pushing up on them, locking his legs straight, and lifting his body up so he's on his hands and his toes, and his bum is hiiiigh in the air! It's very cute, and I don't remember Robert doing it to that extent! Robert's was more of a little push up, with a fairly straight body. It won't be long at all before he is zooming around. I wonder if he'll be an early walker like his brother?

Robert is chatting away all the time now, and his sentences get more and more complex it seems. I'm struggling to think of examples though as it's just what he does now, and he talks about everything and anything around him. If he watches something on TV, he is able to talk about it afterwards, and he is able to recall things he did several hours before hand to somebody who was not there with only a little prompting, things like "When we went for a walk around the village, what animals did you see?". His pronounciation for words I notice are getting clearer, but again right now I'm struggling to recall which ones in particular. He now says our cat's name (Hazel) very clearly, exactly how it should be said. Since she has had some problems with her eye, she's had numerous visits to the vets in recent weeks, with another planned for Friday, and most likely another one some time next week. She's had a biopsy taken on a growth in her eye which may or may not be a cancerous tumour :( But she does seem to be more placid and accepting towards Robert lately.

Robert is becoming very compassionate of late. This afternoon, Christopher was over-tired, and was on the floor and moaning/crying while I rushed to get Robert's dinner ready. I came back in when it was finished, looked at him, and said "Do you want a cuddle, Christopher?" and picked him up. I hadn't even stood back up properly when Robert came over and leant his head towards Christopher's head and holding onto his shoulders (how he hugs a lot of the time), and then gave him a kiss on the head. A moment which melted my heart.

He has recently acquired the knowledge that if another child (his brother included) has a toy he wants, it is ok to thrust another toy into their hands, take the toy he wants, and call it "swapping" lol. We are working on getting him to realise that it needs to be a mutual agreement, and that the other child should want to play with the toy he's trying to give them. Even when he learns to wait for the other child to accept the toy, I'm sure that in his mind, it will very much be a selfish act on his part in that the only reason he wants to swap is because he wants that other toy.

When it gets to bath time, Robert climbs up the stairs, and I follow behind with Christopher, facing outwards. This lately has become an amusing time for all of us, but in particular, Christopher, who seems to find the ascending figure of his brother hilarious! This continues for a good while, with Christopher in fits of laughter as Robert walks around upstairs, sometimes not really doing anything funny particularly, just walking to or from him. But it quickly turns into a game where Robert will go into one of the bedrooms and then come out shouting "Air!". what the "air" means I'm not sure, maybe "here"? He is rewarded for his efforts easily as Christopher will chuckle away at his sudden appearance, and when Robert moves out of eyesight, he waits eagerly, bouncing on my knee, until Robert returns. It's really very sweet :)

Anyway I'll leave with a photo of my two boys that I got made into a canvas print for our anniversary last week.

It's been a while!

Christopher is now 6 months old. Time really has flown since he was born, I remember the first 6 months with Robert feeling like an eternity even though it went quickly, if that makes sense. It definitely feels like Christopher has slotted into our lives so seamlessly, that maybe that's why it has gone so quickly, it feels like he was never not here. I remember my sister-in-law telling me when Robert was very little that it wouldn't be long before I forgot what life was like without him with us. I kept feeling bad because I could, and kept thinking for a long time that I wished parts of it were back. It took a long time before it really did feel like he'd been here forever, that life with Robert was how it was "meant" to be. But with Christopher, it already feels like he's been here forever. I just can't imagine life without him, without both of them of course, but I am still so smitten with Christopher.



I think he is just so easy going, so bright and interested in things, eager for new experiences, and so connected with his world that he has grown to know so keenly already. He is happy to roll around on the floor for a while, watching his brother or playing with his toys, while I get a few necessities done, and when I come back, pick him up and talk to him, I always get rewarded with the biggest smiles. He seems quite serious in that while he smiles a lot, he doesn't laugh a lot, and often it's things we don't expect that make him laugh. He started laughing at Robert last week, as he was playing with a toy, banging it on the floor. The noise it made must have been very funny because he was in fits of laughter! And today, when Robert set his cars down what he calls his "car ladder", Christopher found it hilarious when they reached the bottom and the car rolled down and hit his foot. :)



We have started giving him practically anything foodwise, apart from the obvious no-nos for under 1s, mainly whatever we're having if it's lunch or a snack, or dinner. He's had spaghetti bolognese, pasta, jacket potato with cheese and beans, sandwiches, various fruits and veggies, slices of cold chicken, cheese sticks. Already he seems to have mastered avoiding his gag reflex. He hits it occasionally, but deals with it quickly. He's getting the hang of picking up food so quickly it's astonishing. He can already get at the food clutched in his fist! And he seems to make remarkably little mess compared to Robert. I am much less "anal" about the mess this time round though! Seeing as I am used to lots of washing, I think "meh" about a bit of food stain on clothes, it just goes straight in the washing machine for the next time it goes on. A sheet under the highchair and a big bib help in the process. But I am appreciating just how much easier it is to stick to milk feeds. Especially with a toddler to get ready as well!

He is getting on quite well physically. He can sit unaided for a few seconds, but mainly needs support. And he also rolls around a lot now, and pushes up on his arms which he's quite pleased about ;) He still seems so LITTLE to me. He is weighing less than Robert did, I believe he's around the 9th centile now, and was under 15lb still when I had him weighed last, but with his temperament and his nappies and his development I think that it is nothing to worry about. But it seems crazy how such a little person can be almost sitting and is reaching towards independance already!

Robert by comparison does seem huge, and week by week his articulacy grows. His sentences are quickly becoming more and more complex "Daddy innid eedin his dinner!" (Daddy finished eating his dinner!) being one of them. He is also asking questions now, which is so cute and sometimes so funny! At dinner tonight, Jonathan was taking photos of Christopher eating his pasta, and trying to make him look to the camera. Christopher however was set on staring at Robert. Jonathan took to making various strange and funny noises in an attempt to win Christopher's attention, and after about 10 seconds of this, Robert looked at Jonathan with a look of complete amusement on his face, and said in a tone of voice to match "What's Daddy doing?" while I was cracking up in laughter at the two of them. :)

He also asks "What's this?" which I heard him ask for the first time when we had a BBQ last Friday, he was holding up a piece of spring onion.

He will hold conversations between himself and his toys, which I think is absolutely adorable, and can't wait til Christopher is joining in!

It was lovely, yesterday Robert came and joined Christopher and I on the sofa, so I sat Christopher on Robert's lap, and Robert put his hand on Christopher's back, and peered into his face intently, and said "Ello, Ooover!" with a big smile on his face.

Christopher loves Robert, he often just watches him play with a big grin on his face, and particularly loves it when Robert pays him attention and talks to him.

One thing I am finding tough with Robert at the moment is the frequency that he wants to nurse. It seems to be more than Christopher most days, and I feel torn in what I want to do about it. All I know right now is that it can't be good to carry on doing exactly what I'm doing when I give an inward groan whenever I see Robert come over and start to clamber up on the sofa because I know, 95% of the time when he does that the next words out of his mouth will be "Gah-gee eeease Mammy". I have tried days where I say yes every time he asks, and he asks a LOT. I have tried days of trying to delay/distract sometimes, saying yes other times. I have tried "only til Mummy counts to 10".

But I think the main thing is that I don't KNOW what I want right now. I don't know if I want him to cut down nursing to just a few times a day (like morning, and maybe twice during the day), or whether I want to start completely weaning him. I don't know whether I am reluctant to do anything because I don't know what the cause of this increased nursing is. Am I failing to fulfill a need of his that he needs to replace with his Gah-gee? I'm just not sure what to do, but I don't think trying lots of different things is making anything easier. There's one thing I've not tried yet which I might start doing tomorrow, and that is say "we can have gah-gee, but only upstairs on Mummy's bed" and maybe he'll be less willing to keep going up and downstairs all the time to nurse. The only problem will be if Christopher is asleep, as he sleeps in our room, and Robert can sometimes be as quiet as a fairy elephant!

Before I sign off again, for my records and general musing, is that I had some cervical fluid earlier in the evening when I went to the toilet. I've had some before as well, but then while I was getting Christopher ready for bed I felt twangs low down in my belly, which makes me think ovulation pain?! I'm pretty sure I conceived Christopher in the first possible cycle after Robert's birth, even though I'd had 3 periods previous to his conception, and Robert was 13 months when Christopher was conceived. I wonder if in a couple of weeks I will see a somewhat earlier Aunt Flo visit? Either way, I'd better be careful if Jonathan and I get the urge soon!

Tantrums!

Boy oh boy, so HERE are the "terrible twos". Robert has started tantrumming like crazy, at 27 months. I guess we did quite well to get this far with only a few minor incidents, but lately we are getting full on, screaming the place down tantrums. As his sole carer, boy am I feeling the brunt of it! You sure do notice it when your once laid back toddler suddenly finds himself. My days are now about 5 times as hard, and by the time the boys are in bed, I feel EXHAUSTED, both mentally and physically.

I must admit, part of me is thinking "What did I let myself in for?!?!" knowing that Christopher will one day be this tantrumming toddler! With Robert's sudden assertiveness has come another leap in his language. He says more and more complex sentences every day, and absorbs new phrases and sentences like a sponge!

His latest phrase, which is already becoming a bit wearing, is "Stop bugging me, Mummy!" Goodness knows where he picked that up from, the only place I can think of is this pyjama set we bought him..



I guess we must have read it out loud at one point and he picked up on it, but how he managed to get it in context I don't know, but now, whenever I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, that's what I hear. Whenever I go to do something he doesn't want me to do (whether it's regarding him or not) that's what I hear. Do I just ignore it? Like you'd do for swear words?

He's had a proper time out once now, for 2 minutes. But I find it difficult to assess what would constitute a good reason for putting him in time out, if you know what I mean? I'm desperately trying to find time to read through "Children are from Heaven" again. And will try and read out relevant sections to Jonathan so he's got an idea on the book, as he won't read books I want him to.

I'm feeling ok though generally. It's more difficult, yes, but today was easier. The boys and I went for a buggy walk with SureStart, Robert in the buggy, and Christopher in my Ellaroo. It was only me as a parent on the walk, so when Robert wanted to walk, he held Angela's hand while I pushed the empty buggy, and occasionally he would get back in for a rest and I'd push.

This afternoon we played in the garden for a while. It was incredibly windy so we didn't stay outside for too long. I consented whenever Robert asked to nurse, and each time I reflected on his stillness and the silence! And of course, it's very difficult to be annoyed with a nursling, especially if they are still, and look up into your eyes :)

On other news, we have begun to slowly introduce solid foods to Christopher. He doesn't turn 6 months until the 25th, but he is sitting with support, and will grab food and take it to his mouth. And Robert was a few days younger too :)

We are doing baby-led weaning again. Christopher has tried pear, banana, cauliflower and broccoli. I am not going to introduce anything other than fruit or vegetables until he is 6 months old. He really enjoyed the cauliflower today. He enjoyed the pear he had the other day. He's not ingested a lot yet. Although I'm not entirely sure how much of the cauliflower he ate, as it was a fairly large piece and by the end it was of course all shredded to bits! Whenever I held up some food for him to take from my hands, his eyes would goggle and he would grab out urgently with both hands for what I was holding :) So eager, bless him. But it is all a little bitter sweet, I know he is ready for it, yet he's my little baby. It's not met with as much enthusiasm (on my part) as I thought it would!

I've found bits of evidence that he has eaten some of the pear, and the banana. I guess tomorrow I will find out just how much cauliflower he ate today ;)

Updates on the kiddies etc.

Well it seems that next week we will be making our first big car trip with Christopher. My grandad died last week, he was in his 90s, suffering with dementia, along with trips in and out of hospital due to his unexplained falls and subsequent injuries. His funeral is next Wednesday, so we will be making the journey with Christopher to London to attend. We're hoping maybe to leave Robert with my in-laws. Christopher will be fine, either asleep, feeding, or happy looking around while having cuddles. And if for some reason he does get inconsolable, Jonathan can take him out.

Anyway...

Christopher is still 100% breastfed. By this point in time, Robert had already had mashed banana and baby rice, before we decided it'd be easier to keep him on BM for a while longer. Christopher has had nothing but milk, but he seems more than happy with that arrangement. Unlike Robert, who was given a bottle of expressed milk daily from around 5 weeks old, Christopher was given his first bottle maybe at 6 or 7 weeks old, and only one other bottle since then, both by his grandma. We tried him on a bottle of expressed a couple of weeks ago, while I was cooking, but he wasn't having any of it! For now, that arrangement suits me fine, I'm not desperate to give him a bottle, and I'm not desperate for a night out, or anything like that. Breastfeeding Christopher has gone like a dream. It really has! After the early struggles with Robert, I didn't think I'd be lucky to have an easy experience of breastfeeding right from the start. The main issues right now are sucking on fingers WHILE nursing (ouchhhh!) and him grabbing a handful of breast, and yanking it away from his mouth while still oh so very much latched on! (double ouch!)

He is becoming more needy as time goes on, he wants more and more attention understandably, and as such I am beginning to feel a bit more pulled in 3 directions (juggling Robert's needs, Christopher's increasing needs, and household needs - bare essentials such as washing up, laundry, and vacuuming once the floor is under a thin sheet of cat hair and crumbs!). He is still a very content baby generally though, and loves his play mat, both on his back and tummy time.





He has started to give us the biggest chuckles over the last few weeks, which is just so so cute! He laughs at a few things. Tickling his chest sometimes works, as does making funny noises to him, tickling his mouth and chin with a cloth, and also his grandad has made him laugh singing Ralph McTell songs :)

He is becoming more and more interested in his big brother, and loves watching his big brother playing. If Robert is doing a table top activity, I prop him up on the sofa looking over the arm so he can watch Robert.



That last photo was taken over 6 weeks ago now. I can hardly believe that my little boy is coming up for 5 months old already, he will turn 5 months on the 25th February!

His head control is very good now. He sleeps on his front, and has done since he was tiny, because he slept better like that. So when he wakes, he will lift his head up as high as it will go, and look around for a while! He gets plenty of tummy time! ;) We've started putting him in the door bouncer, and just like his big brother, he LOVES it! He really enjoys the feeling of the floor under his feet, and he gets such a look of excitement and glee on his face when he is in there!





I just love this little boy so much, he lights up my day, and even if I am tired from the early wake up calls, if I have the little man on my chest, and he looks straight into my eyes and BEAMS at me with that gorgeous dimpled grin of his, how can I not smile back? He is just so precious, and I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life.



Right now, he is on the cusp of rolling over. He is trying desperately to do it, he arches his back and looks up above his head, and rocks. He did at first roll over to his left, now I see him do it more to his right. I can't believe my baby boy is beginning to get mobile! I know it's still a way off crawling, but still, rolling! My baby! You cannot grow up, I forbid it! ;) I find myself excited yet a little sad with each new milestone my baby boy reaches. I know in my heart I can persuade Jonathan he wants a third, yet he is still quietly protesting expanding our family, and pointing out all the "bad" bits of having a baby, in an attempt to make me see that I really don't want another child, that 2 is enough, but it's not working sorry Jonathan! ;)

Right... Robert!

Robert is now 26 months old, or 2 years 2 months ;) He is learning more about his individuality every day, and learning new things all the time. My heart just squishes with love for him. He is now stringing together more and more complex sentences, although without words like "the", "a", "and" and so on. And all verbs in the present tense.

Yesterday I went out into the kitchen to start his dinner, he ran after me, calling loudly "Mama! Mama! Mamaaaa!" when I answered him, he sauntered into the kitchen with a huge grin on his face, and said "Robert do two trumps!" lol!



His pronounciation is still very baby-ish with the vast majority of consonant sounds at the beginning of words missed off, but more and more words are becoming recognisable (not just to us), and his vocabulary is really quite astounding! I really would not know where to start making a list on the words he knows, I would estimate in the hundreds.

He is also showing more and more understanding of our speech to him, and is clearly thinking more about what we are saying. We can ask him a series of questions with yes/no answers, and ask a few for which the answer is yes, then throw in one which isn't the case, for example we will ask him things like "is Robert wearing blue trousers?" "is teddy sitting on the table?" "is Mummy wearing glasses?" to which the answer is all "yes", and then throw in "is daddy wearing a hat?" which he wouldn't be, and he'd look at Jonathan, pause for a brief second, and then say "No!" in a funny lilting tone of voice.

He rarely asks to hold Christopher anymore. He prefers to show him his toys, and watch him, and sometimes when playing his favourite game (bringing a toy up, and speaking as the toy, saying hello to me) he will "make" Christopher say hello back. He used to do this by grabbing his head and wiggling it about as though he was talking (like he does with his toys) but I have since persuaded him a much better way is to wave his hand instead ;)



He has started to show a bit of toddler boistrousness lately too, in throwing and banging his toys. When we went over to the in-laws this weekend, he started doing it with the brick trolley there, banging it into the door purposefully, and I was SO impressed with how my mother-in-law handled it. She took the brick trolley away, and went into the hallway with it, Robert followed her, tugging at the trolley while screaming. Then she got down, and said to Robert something along the lines of "I am taking this away because you were banging it into the door. I don't want my door to get broken, but if you are careful with the trolley and do not bang it anymore, you can carry on playing with it." And when Robert whimpered "yeah" she gave it back to him, and he was SO careful with it bless him :)

I think it doesn't help that as Christopher is getting bigger and needing more attention, Robert isn't getting as much attention as he needs. It is something I am going to have to focus on presently, to make sure things don't get out of hand. Nip it in the bud so to speak. Something I do want to try and do is to start planning a proper activity with Robert every day, something for him to look forward to, something to keep his mind active. Tomorrow, I think we will make biscuits. He loves his playdough, so I'm sure he will love rolling out and cutting biscuits with his playdough cutters!

Sometimes I look at him and he seems so grown up and big, and when I think he's 2, part of me thinks that's really old (comparing it to his 4 month old baby brother!) and then I think actually that's still really little! When he is nursing he definitely appears on the older side, because I am more used to seeing a baby there! But I am still content to continue for the time being. Jonathan did ask me a while ago when I was planning on stopping feeding Robert. I didn't have an answer for him then, and still don't. As long as it feels "right" I suppose. He is still gaining from the closeness it provides, as am I. In some ways, I do see it as a healthy snack for him! Sometimes I panic and think "oh my goodness, I've not offered Robert some water all morning!!" and then realise that he's actually nursed twice in that time so he has had a drink! ;) Plus there is the more selfish weight-loss issue too. ;)

But anyway, back on topic, it's photos like this that make me realise just how little he still is.



I love them both so much it hurts sometimes. :)

Poorly Robert :(

Well, Robert has picked up some kind of bug. Either from playgroup on Friday morning, or from the birthday party he attended yesterday afternoon. Last night at 11.30pm, he started screaming, we got him out of bed, and he promptly threw up all over the floor, and his clothes. One cleanup operation later (thankfully with Jonathan well enough to help unlike the last time Robert was sick), and we had a little boy back in bed.

Then around 12am, it happened again, this time in his bed. Bed change number 1. Then he threw up again at 1am-ish, then 2am-ish, then 3.30am, then 5am... 3 bed changes later, and 4 changes of clothes. He might have been sick again since then, I can't remember.

But then at 8ish, he woke, Jonathan brought him in, and put him on the bed. Poor little fella just flopped down on the bed and lay there. :( We asked him if he wanted to come up and lay under the covers and sleep in bed with us, and eventually he climbed up, but then saw my boobs, and settled down to have milky. He was on the breast for some time, and while still on the breast, proceeded to throw it all back up again (all over me, and our bed). He threw up a little more once I'd got him into the bathroom (standing by the bath so he could be sick into there) and he was SO distraught, shaking, crying, and kept saying "Go!" He was so upset each time he threw up in the night as well, but each time he threw up, and then cuddled me afterwards, he clung so tightly, I just wanted to cry alongside him.

He's not been sick since then, we figured he must have taken in too much milk for his stomach to cope with, so I've been letting him stay on for a 5 count after my milk lets down a little. He's been sleeping since 11.30 although he woke at 1.15 and I gave him a bit more milk. My poor baby :( Being a parent is so hard sometimes, not just because of the sleep deprivation thing you get at the start. I hope he gets better soon.

The flu

The flu and a sickness bug has hit our household. Jonathan was in bed for well over 3/4 of a day with flu symptoms, and Robert was ill last night (all over the bed and himself) and he was ill again during dinner although I didn't give him very much. He generally seems quite cheerful though, but I have stocked some clean bedding outside his room ready for incase he should be sick again. I would probably bet a tenner he will be sick in his bed again tonight.

Combined with C being very unsettled today, and checking on J from time to time, I feel very run down. I hope I'm not getting what either of them have. I really don't want to have to look after two poorly boys while being poorly myself. Although the fact that I am feeling run down today makes it more likely to become ill.

I have a "well baby clinic" appointment to attend with Christopher (and Robert) tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to that. One, because of the illness. Two, because of Christopher's slow weight gain. I am comfortable in myself now that all is ok (thanks to your comments, Alice and Meg!), that he is generally a happy baby, and I KNOW he is getting plenty of milk, given that he still from time to time splutters on my fast let down, and even after he's finished, and I decide to see if I can get a drop or two of milk out, and it SQUIRTS about a metre across the room... I don't see there's any problem in that regards!

And if I so much as hear the W word (wean) I will tell them where to go. I made that mistake with Robert, I won't be making it again.

I wish I had some chocolate... I am very tempted to pull out that delicious chocolate cake recipe again and bake one. But then maybe having no chocolate in the house is a good thing, seeing as I gained 1lb this week.