Sunday 31 January 2010

4 +4 - crossing fingers.

My friend has her scan today - in fact she should be in there now. I am keeping everything crossed for her but she says she thinks there'll be nothing left in there. Miscarriage is so cruel, especially for those women who have been trying to get pregnant and want the baby so much. It seems little comfort to tell them that the baby was probably never viable, I know it wouldn't bring ME any comfort if I was in their position. My heart breaks for them. :(

I am so early on, it could happen to me too. When you hear stories of babies being born sleeping at 19 weeks, 23 weeks, or in one case I heard, full term... it's so so sad, and scary, but the most you can do is just to have faith. The first trimester is so difficult. You have no way of knowing if all is okay or not.

When I was pregnant with Robert I remember spotting once - just a tiny amount of brown blood. With this one I have spotted 2 or 3 times since I found out I was pregnant. Red blood. But it's been a small amount and then leads onto stained CM, and then clears up. So I am keeping hope that all is okay, and it's just implantation bleeding each time.

So far I'm just still uber-tired, peeing for Britain, and I have the occasional bloated feeling. No sore boobs yet. I'm still producing milk that I can tell - for the first time in ages Robert fell asleep at the breast and when I moved away there was a dribble of milk coming out of his mouth. Oh how I remember that when he was little! And how quickly did it disappear as my baby boy grew up! Gone are the gummy grins, the headbutting shoulders to show he's hungry, the floppiness and helplessness, and here I have a quickly emerging independant young boy, who knows what he wants, loves to flash us grins to get it, and gives kisses when it pleases him to give them! A boy who is shown how something works, and that's it, he can do it himself!

He loves helping, will put his books away now almost by habit (although sometimes he forgets and they are left on the floor), will put things in the bin, or washing basket, and even help hang the washing up!











He has discovered the joys of boxes, or other small containers!





That last one makes me laugh every time I see it! I don't know why but it does, it's just so cute!

I can't believe how tall he is getting! Although every time I try and measure him his actual measurements never seem that big, if you know what I mean? I think he was only about 78cm or so last time I tried to measure him, but I guess I must have done it wrong? He was 77.5cm when he was measured at his year checkup! He must be taller than 80cm by now I'm sure, I wouldn't be surprised if he reaches 3 foot by the time he's 2. It probably won't be long before he's the same height as his cousin who's a year older than him! ;)



He is also walking so sturdily! But then he has been walking for about 5 months now so he should be well practised! But unless he is excited, he rarely trips anymore, or stumbles. And his spacial awareness is improving all the time, lifting his legs to avoid things on the floor, ducking his head to go under things.

And I don't know why, but this picture makes me go all melty... it's what I see every day in the evening before his bathtime. So so lovely!



This has been a somewhat mixed entry, I guess I got a whole load of feelings swooshing about in there right now. Oh and I had a dream I was having twins... :o Doubt it though, my HcG levels haven't been high enough for that lol!

Edit: Thank GOD her baby's okay... she's still worried as she's bleeding, but baby's heartbeat is there so fingers crossed her bleeding stops soon...

Saturday 30 January 2010

Someone I know...

I want to thank you all for your lovely congratulations on the last post.

Someone I know on a parenting/pregnancy forum announced she was pregnant a few weeks ago. I am ashamed to say that although I was happy for her, I wasn't as excited for her as I wanted to be, and I showed it too, as I was still very not pregnant and knew it.

This week she has started bleeding heavily, passing clots, and has very bad pains. I feel so bad for her because I wasn't as supportive as I could have been when she found out, and now I have just found out that I am pregnant, and she is going through all of this. :( She is having a scan tomorrow but she has already lost all hope that the baby is ok. I am trying to be as supportive as I can for her now, but it just seems like it'll be coming off a bit lukewarm, if you know what I mean?

I really really hope she's ok... but I fear she won't be and I feel so awful for her. :(

Thursday 28 January 2010

I couldn't help testing.. :(

But it's good news, I'm pregnant!! :D

The line on the test is faint, but definitely there!






I think I'm just over 4 weeks pregnant, maybe 4 and a half at a push. I estimate my due date to be 6th/7th October. I waited for a few seconds, then picked up the test while it was still drying, and saw the line forming, my hand started shaking and I had to sit down on the edge of the bath! Didn't stop shaking for about an hour... I don't remember that with Robert at all! We're going to *try* and wait until we have our scan before we tell family this time... so it's staying off facebook please girls :)

Woohoooo!

It's gone...

All signs of bleeding have gone... I had stained CM until yesterday afternoon around lunchtime. Since then - nada. Had some CM, but all been clear.

I keep wondering if it would be too early to test if I tested tomorrow. I wonder how I will feel if I test tomorrow and it's negative. It's a possibility I need to prepare myself for. Will I just think "oh it's too early" and wait longer and then test? Or will I think "that's it, AF is on her way then?" Which is better? Is it better for me to think AF is coming or to wait longer? I don't know if me just THINKING there's the possibility I am pregnant now is delaying my period if I am not.

To be honest - I *am* expecting a negative test tomorrow. But like I say I don't know if that will mean I am really not pregnant. I'm just so used to negative tests, plus with Robert I was 5 days late when I tested and got the faintest of faint lines. I think I'm just one of those women with low HcG levels.

Each month I have thought deep down I was pregnant, so while I think now I might well be, that doesn't really mean anything because I thought I was for the last two times! Please keep everything crossed for me tomorrow morning.... xx

Wednesday 27 January 2010

Hmm.... more odd odd oddness

I wrote an entry last night but it was completely unrelated to TTC and just about my little big boy :)

But I am compelled to write again. Last night I went to the toilet, and got the same weird bleeding I got 2 weeks ago. I had a wee, wiped and nothing, wiped again, and out of nowhere, blood! I got that sinking feeling and thought "oh no...", put on a panty liner, and carried on doing what I was doing. Went to the toilet again later, and I just had some red stained CM. This morning, I had BROWN stained CM. Panty liner clean. So I am thinking that this is either pre-period spotting, or something... lets say.. much more hopeful. I am going to try (really REALLY going to try) to hold out til Friday morning. Wait and see if Aunt Flo arrives properly, if that bleed was pre-period spotting. And maybe do a test Friday morning if she's not here by then.

Been getting crampy feelings down there again too.

I can't believe how hard it is to not get your hopes up. After the presumed ovulation bleeding 2 weeks at least before my period was due, that gave me lots of hope then.. but tried to keep it from my mind. It's been so hard to not think I stand a higher chance of getting pregnant this month, and my mind strays to an October 7th due date baby. I am just hoping that last night's bleed stays as it is... brown CM. and then goes away! I so want this baby. If there IS a baby in there!! It's so hard to think "nah, it's just xyz"

Keep your fingers crossed for me please girls!

Tuesday 26 January 2010

Some things for the memory bank

I've been meaning to write about a few things, in case I forget about them. Robert is getting so grown up, it is so cute, because it's happening in such a small body!

He loves his bath time, and whole bedtime routine, so when I tell him that it's time for his bath, and that he should go upstairs, he immediately goes to the bottom of the stairs and pulls on the stairgate to try and get in! When I open up the stairgate, he climbs the stairs so urgently, and walking behind him all I can see is the back of his head, and the urgent rhythmic climbing.. one knee up, other foot up, knee up, foot up, with the occasional pause as he stops to contemplate a lump of cat fur on the carpet, or some of the other stuff cluttering the edge of the stairs... Before I remind him to carry on climbing, and he does, returning to the same urgent pace as before :) I wish sometimes I could see him from the other way, so I could see what expression he has on his face when he's doing that!

A quick nappy removal and rough clean up, and I stand him up, where he immediately comes close to me, lifting a leg so he can be carried. I love this bit, but I'm not sure why!

And then into the bath. He has discovered the delights of splashing - HARD. I sometimes wonder who comes out of the bathroom wetter - him or me! Tonight though, I managed to keep him interested in other things. I showed him that two of the ball pool balls that were in the bath fitted nicely into one of the bath cups we have (ones with holes in). From then on, he spent AGES taking them in and out of the cup, and then suddenly, he appeared to have worked out that he could turn the cup upside down and they would fall out! The way the balls wouldn't go in sometimes (when the cups were full of water) fascinated him and he kept pushing them hard to make them fit! Then as he was holding the cup upside down, he figured he could place the end of the cup over a ball, and it would be inside the cup! It was truly fascinating watching him tonight in the bath, as he spent ages with this lovely meaningful play. Usually he would have been out of the bath long before, as he would have been splashing, and getting me wet and exasperated! But I was happy to watch him continue :)

My favourite time of the day I think has to be Robert's bedtime. Not only because it means we get a lovely evening to ourselves, but also the routine we share is lovely. I put him down all wrapped up in a towel onto our bed. He usually gets whiney and wriggly at this stage, so I play some tickling games with him, like Round and Round the Garden, or This Little Piggy, or just lifting his arms up and blowing raspberries in his armpits! This makes him happy again so I am able to carry on drying him inbetween tickles!

Then lately - a new item in our bedtime routine - a massage. Using some of the techniques I learnt at baby massage, I massage Robert's legs, then I do his tummy and arms. He finds that bit particularly hilarious as my fingers go up near his neck to go onto his arms, so I often can't resist tickling him as he seems to be anticipating it anyway!

Next up I begin to brush his teeth. Robert is quite accepting of the toothbrush, so I quickly give his teeth a brush, and then hand him the toothbrush for him to "finish off" which of course means chewing it! But while he's doing that, I whip his nappy on without him realising! Sneaky mummy!

Get him all dressed while he's "finishing off" brushing his teeth, then sit him on my lap on the bed for his bedtime story. He's usually very calm by this stage, despite all the tickling earlier! Then last but not least, he has some yummy Mummy Milk, until he's dozy, then off he goes to bed. He whinges most of the time, sometimes cries (and some of those times SCREAMS and needs resettling), but very occasionally he will simply not make any noise but stay still and quiet, before dropping off to sleep.

I adore this bedtime routine, and I think has to be the closest I am to him during the day. Unless I am uber stressed in which case I find the whole bath thing stressful, and then am not in a mood to tickle which makes getting him ready for bed a challenge. But luckily that's not very often. :)

I love my baby boy. I just can't imagine him being a big brother, he's my little Sausage!

Monday 25 January 2010

Updates

Hmm, I remember I used to not post for a week and people were asking if I was ok! I guess that a 12 day gap (or longer) is the norm now! ;)

I had slight spotting for less than a day in the end. We DTD the night before the bleed, and the two nights after as well. And then every other day until about 3 days ago.

I have been increasingly tired the last few days. Going to bed typically around 11pm, getting woken around 7am, trying desperately to snooze a while longer despite someone screaming in the next room, as my eyes were heavy. He would have milk and then jump all over us, or headbutt us into submission (his favourite pasttime - head butt us with his mouth open, with his mouth if you know what I mean, while making "aaaah" noises, and his teeth bash against legs/ribs/head/whatever he's doing it against - ouch! No amount of dissuading him will make him stop - only distraction!

I've needed naps as well since Friday as well. Been cramping since Saturday-ish. Feeling generally under the weather.

AF is due either Wednesday, or next Monday, or somewhere inbetween. Or another time completely! I'm going to try and hold out til the 8th of February before I test, because I'm sure AF will arrive at some point. And I'd much rather get myself ready for her arrival than to be so sure that she's not coming that she tricks me and comes later instead :P

Robert's MMR is tomorrow. I forget if these are the 13 month jabs he's due, or something else. I don't think he's actually HAD his 12 month and 13 month ones on time, so guessing that although he is now 14 months (my baby is 14 months old!!!) these will be the 13 month ones.

I was saying to someone about finding out within the next couple of weeks if Robert is going to be a big brother or not... and as soon as I said that my mind sort of froze in disbelief - Robert, being a big brother??!!! He's still so little, he can't be a big brother! Then I think about Becca who's youngest two are 10 and a half months apart, and I couldn't imagine looking down at a 2 month old baby and comprehending them being a big brother either!! It's hard enough with a toddler! (waaaah! My baby is a toddler now - for all intensive purposes!!! I'm not sure of the true definition of toddler, but my baby walks, so I guess he's a toddler!!)

Wednesday 13 January 2010

Hmm odd.

Okay.... where to start. Yesterday I was fine, today I am fine. Yet on Monday I couldn't get through the day without crying. I feel a little silly for over-reacting, as now it seems that perhaps it was just an odd hormonal surge.

Now for my second bit of news. The last two days I have had quite a large amount of cervical fluid. Enough to get onto my knickers. Then today I went to the loo maybe around 4pmish.. wiped and nothing. Wiped again, and on that bit of tissue there was a sudden appearance of blood (red) - not just spotting, but what appeared to be light period bleeding. I've been to the loo twice since, and had only blood-stained wee on the paper if that makes sense?

I've put a panty liner in and will see what happens, but the reason I'm so confused is that I am only on cycle day 19 at the moment... I will see if AF turns up but it seems ridiculously early for it to be AF especially considering my last two cycles have been 33 days and 38 days respectively.

Now I know what you're probably thinking, because I'm thinking it too. Implantation bleeding? But I really don't want to get my hopes up!

One more question though: Can exercise cause this? Today I've done about 45 minutes on the wii board, the first time I've been on there in ages. Could exercise cause some early bleeding?

Thank you Linds and Jemma for the comments on the last entry, I really appreciate them! I'm feeling better now though so I'll wait :)

Edit: thanks Jemma and Linds again! We had BD on Tuesday night, and after reading your comments we did it again last night ;) I guess I definitely ovulated then at least this week?!

Monday 11 January 2010

A little depressed

Another of my forum friends has got pregnant. At least she was actually trying for a baby, unlike the other one who is pregnant, falling pregnant without even trying. I am pleased for her, but at the same time I feel that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one that says I'm never going to get the baby I so long for. And I know the feeling is stupid, insensitive, and did I say stupid? I know I will have a baby. I know I will get pregnant again. And yet every time someone announces their BFP it seems that my time slips further and further away. Just a few days ago I felt positive about waiting for the right time. I felt like it didn't matter when it happened. I originally wanted Robert and his sibling to be less than 2 years apart, and with each month that passes it is less and less likely that I will get that wish. I conceived Robert at the end of February, beginning of March, with my LMP being February 16th. I felt a few days ago that it wouldn't matter when I got pregnant, be it this month, next month, or even during the summer, or later. I wanted a 2010 baby, but that possibility is becoming more and more remote.

I don't feel like I am my normal self. The last few days I have felt tired and rundown. And I've even been irritable lately as well. It doesn't feel like PND, and I've generally been well since I came off the anti-depressants. I think this is something new, but I hope to goodness it doesn't stick around. I just want to feel happy. I've had no real want to cook for myself or even really make myself any decent lunch. I eat breakfast because we all eat breakfast together, but lunch I just make Robert something, and usually I finish off what he hasn't eaten. And for tea I usually eat whatever Robert doesn't eat of his dinner, or if Jonathan comes home we get something together, if Jonathan makes it. But I'm not losing any weight, because I just have been stuffing the christmas chocolates and making myself feel sick.

I hope it passes soon and it's just a temporary low.

Tuesday 5 January 2010

Relaxed cycle, and recent photos

I have been having a good old think, and I actually wrote a thread on a parenting forum about it which helped clear my thoughts a little I think. About worrying about conceiving, or just stressing over the whole process of TTC. While last month I felt I was better, I was still wondering "am I aren't I?" a bit, and of course counting down the days til testing!

This month, I am going to try very hard to not think about it at all! I shall let Jonathan erm... have his fun (!) when he wants to, but in myself I won't be thinking "Right, we've got to do it tonight" or anything like that, and in fact I shall just be relaxing and not really thinking about it at all. In fact I shall just wait for my period. Well, not wait, but it's hard to describe. I shall get on with my life and not think about periods, not think about babies, or sex, or anything like that!

And to be honest, Robert is keeping my life very busy, he has reached an incredibly adorable and wonderful time in his life I think where he is showing more and more understanding over his world and more and more interest in the people in it. I am so happy and I love him to bits! And finally, yesterday, he waved bye bye to Jonathan! It was so wonderfully cute and his little grin while he was doing it was such a pleasure. He now waves to anyone when you ask him, always such a big grin on his face. :)

I think though the cutest thing he does that he's been doing maybe a week or so is that when you say "where's your belly?" or "where's your big fat belly?" he'll get both of his hands and pat them both sometimes on his belly, but most often on his chest, and then grin away like he's done something incredibly cheeky!

He loves kissing now as well! It's so cute he comes up to you with his mouth wide open, sometimes saying "aaaaah" at the same time.



He gave me lots of kisses through that stairgate! I think he thought it was funny :D

I do think right now is my favourite age or development stage so far! It's lovely knowing he understands me!

I think back to when I was pregnant and wishing that my little Sausage would be a little girl, and to me now that concept seems so alien! In fact I think when we do get pregnant again I would love another little boy! Having a girl seems weird to me! I don't know why, but it does!

Anyway, here's my little boy's second Christmas (but first "proper" one since he was too young to appreciate any of his first actual christmas!).

Opening Christmas presents and Grandad and Grandma's (my dad and step-mum)





Robert did a great job at helping everyone else open theirs too! He was so cute making his little excited "oooh!" noises whenever he tore off enough paper to see what was inside! Even clothes which I guess must be a pretty boring present for kids!

He loved taking other people's presents off them and giving them to someone else, for example, this tub of chocolates... ;)



Before helping himself to a Milky Way....



And getting it alllll over the new top someone had bought him for his birthday but it was very appropriate for Christmas (but unfortunately not a lot else... he shall look strange going about wearing that now... :( )



And having fun stacking his new puzzle blocks..



Enjoying Christmas dinner!!



And give him his dues, he'll try anything!



Then on Boxing Day we went over to my mum and Dave's house.

Here Robert is looking at Nanna's fibre optic christmas tree.





And enjoying another christmas dinner! (Beef this time not turkey)





Cuddles with Nanna :)



Back at home, here he is on his new ladybird rocker. Unfortunately he doesn't really enjoy playing on it much at the moment :(



He does like his magna-doodle though!! :D







And his masterpieces :D







Robert got a slide for Christmas from my dad and Caroline, but as it was so big we left it with them, and they brought it back with them when they went up to see my brother. Robert had great fun opening such a big box, and then had a go on the slide too! Within two days of getting the slide, he had mastered climbing the steps, sitting on it, putting both his feet forward and sliding down feet first and landing at the bottom! On his 18 month plus slide! ;) Such a big clever boy! He loves his slide, and it's not only fun to go down yourself, but also fun to see what happens when you put a brick on it, or a teddy, or a rubber duck, or a book...









And to finish off this super-duper long entry, some photos of my little boy's first big boy walk (on his reins of course) along the canal side. We fed the swans, and taught Robert how to as well, although his throws weren't big. I did almost have a heart attack during this, me holding his reins and keeping him on a VERY tight leash so close to the edge! But he loved just walking along!













Hope you all have had a good week! Thanks for reading, and also thank you so so much for your comments on the last entry, I love getting comments and really enjoy reading them!