Tuesday 24 July 2012

Still struggling with the (ex)friendship.

I've had a good few tears recently about my friendship that has fizzled out.  A good few months ago now, I deleted all her messages and her number, and figured that if she wanted the friendship to continue, I'd end up with her number again.  But I don't.  It's hard, because I classed her as my best friend.  We'd had an emotional, tear jerking unity after our argument back in early 2011.  I figured this was the real deal.  But I guess not.  Was I too needy?  That's the main thought going through my head.  The truth is that I DO need her more than she needs me.  She has a group of friends, I have hardly any to speak of.  And did I push her away?  Who knows if that's why.  I thought she felt the same as I did, and now I know she didn't, and it hurts.  Oh boy does it hurt.  And it really doesn't help that she lives just a few houses away.

This morning, while my boys were at their grandparents, I was sitting, with the windows open, and I hear her kids playing in the garden.  And before long I felt sick with grief.  Missing her friendship, our texts, our chats while the kids played together.  Our silliness, which I hadn't had with anyone for a long time.  I miss it all, except I know that it doesn't exist now, I can't just magically get it back.  And supposing just for a second that I could... would I want to?  Knowing that this woman who has twice before let me down, hurt me, could do it a third time.

I guess this is why, despite missing her terribly, I deleted her number and messages, so I couldn't text her any more.  Why I didn't pop round with a card to congratulate her on her wedding.  A wedding I hoped I would be a bridesmaid for.  By stopping myself from speaking to her (unless she spoke to me first) I am protecting myself from getting hurt again.

But it's hard to forget.  Hard to move on.  I think that is the hardest thing for me, making friendships.  I just hope I can carry on, eventually I might make a few new friends, which is something I really need right now.

Saturday 21 July 2012

And again

Not pregnant.  I think the holiday (and garage project) has given J some of his mojo back, because, seeing my disappointment, he has told me that he won't rest until there's a bun in my oven.

What a vallant man, stepping up to such an admirable job *snigger*

Thursday 19 July 2012

Birthday

So.... I am now one year older than I was this time last year. Entering the last year of my twenties.  I had a fabulous day yesterday.  I really enjoyed myself!  J spoilt me, and the four of us went out in the morning to a farm.  The farm itself wasn't brilliant but the play areas were good and the boys had a ball - despite the massive school party that we had to share it with ;)  Then went to the in-laws, who babysat the boys, and J and I went out to the cinema.  As the cinema finished sooner than we thought, we headed to B&Q to get some supplies for finishing off the cupboard, and then to PC world to get my new iPad a protective case (the old one has a very annoying fault on the screen, probably from being repeatedly dropped on the floor by little hands - maybe we can ebay it off to get some money back, maybe it'll be able to be fixed).  Then went out for a meal.  We tend to eat out at restaurants with the boys fairly often, and it was pleasant to not be spending the entire meal picking up toys, inticing food into mouths, and not having to worry about the volume coming from our table!

I had my CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) this morning.  What with the holiday, I'm feeling a lot better generally, and I've realised that I do really need to keep goals an active and prominent feature in my life.  I just feel better if I am working towards something.  The cupboard for our stairs really helped me see that.  I still have to stain that, and put handles on.  And we are also working towards getting our garage converted.  We have submitted planning applications (it's not necessary for most of the country to submit applications for a garage conversion but it is for our street!), and now hopefully soon we'll have that come through and we can start work.  But before that can get started, we need to get a shed up in the garden, which means laying a concrete base, and we need to empty out the garage of things we don't need anymore, which means getting things sold.  I'm hoping that the focus on the future will really help, not only to keep my mind occupied, but also it's all little steps towards the big picture - getting our home the way we want it to be.  Which is a BIG job so it should take a while!! ;)

On possible new baby news.  Yesterday afternoon I had a small amount of spotting, slight pinkness when I wiped.  Since then I've had nothing, or at least very little.  At least I know my period, if it is coming, should be arriving in the next day or so.

Monday 16 July 2012

Willful 3 year olds

Sometimes it's hard to appreciate it when I feel like I am constantly telling him off, asking him to stop kicking, pushing, or hitting Christopher.  But I need to tell myself that Robert really IS a good boy.  He is, but it is often so hard to see it.  This morning he came up to me and asked me for one of Daddy's sweets.  I told him no, but if he was still hungry he could go downstairs and get himself some fruit.  And off he went, and got himself and Christopher an apple!

Robert still finds it difficult to know any time in advance when he needs a wee.  I'll see him clutching himself, and if I ask him "Do you need a wee?", 90% of the time I'll get a "no Mummy."  But if I say "Would you go to the toilet please?" 90% of the time he will go with no fuss.  That's another good boy moment.  I really need to start looking out for all the things he does that makes me happy.  I know it makes ME happy when people notice things I do that are good.

Other news today is that we now have an understairs cupboard!!!!  I'm so thrilled!  It still needs a tiny bit of work - mostly cosmetic.

This was on Friday evening,  with the framework for the tall cupboard, and part of the door framework.

Shelves in main section, and partition wall going up.  Dave (my mum's partner) was amazing and did this so quickly! Especially considering he had dodgy knees. What a star!

This technically was the last photo but it shows the insides of the cupboards and the doors.

How the cupboard looks from the outside.  There is a strip or two missing in this photo - it is completely filled in and flat now.
All that's left to do of the cupboards now is to put some beading on to make the edge of the doors look more seamless, stain and varnish the doors, and put handles on!

Saturday 14 July 2012

symptom ramblings, ~10dpo

Just to say... I don't think I am pregnant... I'm not sure if it's even a good idea if I am or not...  but I wanted to record these "symptoms" for future reference.

I've been tired a LOT lately.  Like... getting a full night's sleep, waking up with heavy eyes, and needing a nap during the day several days over the last week (which has been BLISS when I get it!).

Frequent weeing - perhaps.  Not sure though, I might just be drinking more than usual.  I don't think I am though hense recording it.

Tonight: so far only occurance, nausea.  Occured in the evening during the boys bath, after a dinner everyone else ate and is feeling fine after.  Thought of eating more has made me feel a little queasy.

I'm due on around my birthday, or in the week after.

Friday 6 July 2012

Feeling a little sad tonight

I don't know why, but I got thinking about my could-have-been baby, who would have been due around Christmas had I not lost him/her. I can't believe how much it has affected me - even only knowing for 1 day before my period came.  I am thankful that the baby was taken as early as they were, as a baby who was not meant to be, and not several weeks/months after getting used to a pending new arrival.  I feel sadness, but it doesn't consume me.  I can only imagine the longer they have been part of your life, the more it consumes when you lose them.

I do hope that some day I will have another baby to grow within me, to nurture and love.  Right now though it's not on the cards.  Although having said that we have had "accidents", and who knows.  I am tired of the "I wonder"s and the "what if"s and the waiting and underwear watching, especially as we are not trying to conceive right now.  My heart yearns each month, and I wonder, and wait, and watch, and then along comes Aunt Flo, signalling, perhaps a good thing, I don't know, that I am not pregnant, that the wondering, the waiting and the watching will commense again soon.  Even if I don't WANT to, because it's driving me crazy, making me sad, and in a small way, relieved, but mostly that relief is because I know I am the only one who wants this baby right now.

It is my birthday soon.  And I have no idea what I want.  Well, I do, but I probably won't get it, and even if I do.... it won't be the best present for everyone.

Tuesday 3 July 2012

 This is a quick post to say... We're back from our week in Cornwall.  The weather was disappointing generally, but we made do, and made the best of the little sunshine we had.  The boys loved the beach, the wildlife centre we went to, the farm, the cottage, basically everywhere we went!  We took a picnic lunch with us every day, and had our dinner in the same restaurant every day (a little pub by the sea edge - lovely view, great food, and quiet, so the boys didn't disturb many people).  Here are some photos from the holiday...
Our holiday cottage
Splashing in the puddles at Crackington Haven beach


Exploring the beach and looking out to sea


A family photo in Boscastle taken by a friendly cafe worker who was passing by. :)

At Widemouth Bay beach

Collecting stones :)

Fishing out more stones from the river

Splash splash!

Copying his big brother :)

Does this wheel move??

A walk along the coastal path on a rare sunny afternoon.  Sea in the background! :)

Knackered out :)

Ice creams!!

More beach fun, yippee!

Trip to Tintagel.  One windswept and tired mummy from carrying Christopher up the path to the ruins!!

This was taken after coming back down from the very top of the ruins.  It was very blustery and Christopher didn't like it at all.  So we stopped for cuddles and milk in Tintagel ruins!  Note the sunburn from the day before - oops!  You don't expect the sun to be that hot when it's so cloudy!

Having fun outside the cottages

Cutie pie! :)

Lots of running around on the fields by the cottage. :)

A trip to the beach again on a sunny but blustery day (hense my jumper!!)  Daddy built a castle and moat, and built a channel from a passing stream to fill the moat.  Which quickly overflowed so a leaving channel had to be built ;)

The boys enjoyed running round and round in the moat.  The water was lovely and warm but the wind was biting.

A little trip to the slide near the cottages, Christopher enjoyed just being out and running along the grass.

Cheeky boy! :)

Rather over-exposed pic of Robert at the beach.  He loved just running around the beach, splashing in the puddles.


Found some shells stuck on a rock, he managed to pluck one off!


At Tamar Otter and Wildlife Centre.  They had lots of peacocks, geese, ducks, as well as owls, wallabies, deer, and of course several pens of otters.

Some quails (I think?).  Christopher kept quacking at them :)

One of the deer in the woodland walk

The deer are very tame!

Stroking an owl during a demonstration

Looking at the peacock

Christopher getting a kiss from a baby deer

Boat ride at Trethorne Leisure Farm

Then Christopher had a go!

Petting session

Robert wanted a chick - and was handed a grey one.  At which point he started crying because he wanted a yellow one.  He got his yellow one soon enough, and sighed, saying "I love this chick!  It's SO cute!"

This was the last full day - we went home the next day.  The boys were so good in the car for both journeys!