Still struggling with the (ex)friendship.

I've had a good few tears recently about my friendship that has fizzled out.  A good few months ago now, I deleted all her messages and her number, and figured that if she wanted the friendship to continue, I'd end up with her number again.  But I don't.  It's hard, because I classed her as my best friend.  We'd had an emotional, tear jerking unity after our argument back in early 2011.  I figured this was the real deal.  But I guess not.  Was I too needy?  That's the main thought going through my head.  The truth is that I DO need her more than she needs me.  She has a group of friends, I have hardly any to speak of.  And did I push her away?  Who knows if that's why.  I thought she felt the same as I did, and now I know she didn't, and it hurts.  Oh boy does it hurt.  And it really doesn't help that she lives just a few houses away.

This morning, while my boys were at their grandparents, I was sitting, with the windows open, and I hear her kids playing in the garden.  And before long I felt sick with grief.  Missing her friendship, our texts, our chats while the kids played together.  Our silliness, which I hadn't had with anyone for a long time.  I miss it all, except I know that it doesn't exist now, I can't just magically get it back.  And supposing just for a second that I could... would I want to?  Knowing that this woman who has twice before let me down, hurt me, could do it a third time.

I guess this is why, despite missing her terribly, I deleted her number and messages, so I couldn't text her any more.  Why I didn't pop round with a card to congratulate her on her wedding.  A wedding I hoped I would be a bridesmaid for.  By stopping myself from speaking to her (unless she spoke to me first) I am protecting myself from getting hurt again.

But it's hard to forget.  Hard to move on.  I think that is the hardest thing for me, making friendships.  I just hope I can carry on, eventually I might make a few new friends, which is something I really need right now.