Guilt

Last night, I read a thread about a TV documentary, in which a mother left her sick child in hospital 3 weeks without seeing her. The comments in this forum thread left me wracked with guilt as it made me think back to when Robert was in SCBU. They were saying how they didn't want to leave their baby's side, that they only took a cigarette break because they could look into the room and see their baby anyway.

When Robert was in SCBU he was there for 5 days. I saw him in the incubator the night he was born, and then went up to sleep. I went down in the morning, and thereafter went to see him every 4 hours. I didn't stay very long really, mainly just to feed him and change him, and settle him back down to sleep again, then left to go back up to my room on the ward. I didn't stay with him all the time, nor did I really feel the wish to. I know that the circumstances surrounding his birth left me numb and unable to bond with him. I know that deep down, the first few days I was thinking "why am I going to see this baby?" because he didn't feel like mine. I think a part of me thought I was a fraud, that the mother of the baby would come along and say "thanks for feeding and changing him for me, I'll be taking him home now."

But even knowing this, I still feel wracked with guilt now, thinking how I was only there for Robert when I was needed to be, not because I wanted to be. I feel awful knowing this, whether it was out of my control or not.

Growing up fast.

Christopher is now 8 and a half months old, and around the same time (maybe a week off) out that he was in! He's crawling very confidently now, and already has his own mind made up about what he wants and what he likes! He loves Robert, and finds him absolutely hilarious at times. If Robert is having milk and I bring Christopher up as well (Robert has got staying latched on as I lean over to pick his brother up off the floor perfected), Christopher will grin, and immediately lean in to Robert for a hug, which is duly returned, both arms around his little brother (while still latched on!). They can be very sweet with each other :) He's also beginning to pull up, which has been cause of more than a few tears, what with pulling up on Robert's toybox, with a lid which from the side can easily catch small fingers. And also Robert's un-occupied chair, he pulls up on it, and because it's not very heavy, he falls backwards, pulling the chair over on top of himself (and sometimes banging his head on the door behind him). It's meaning now I need eyes in the back of my head, and will mean that I won't be able to leave the two boys downstairs while I do jobs upstairs, or go to the loo, Christopher will need to come with me. Truly now have my hands full!

Something I find unbelievably cute is how pleased Christopher is to see me. If I sit on the floor, and he catches sight of me, he will squeal happily, and crawl over to me, sometimes giggling away, and pull himself up onto my lap. It warms my heart and makes me so happy to see this little person full of love and joy recipricate my feelings!

Robert is getting so chatty, which is lovely to hear. His words become clearer by the day. He made his first attempts at saying all the syllables in "Christopher" yesterday which was sooo funny, I shouldn't have laughed really but it came out just a gumble of mumbly sounds, I wish I had properly thought of how it sounded so I could type it out, but never mind. He then gave a few good attempts, saying "Iss-ooover". He is beginning to say "a" and "the" in his sentences now as well, a sentence before might have been "I umpin' off oh-fah!" (I'm jumping off sofa), it's now occasionally being "I umpin' off vweh oh-fah!". He tries so hard to pronounce the "th" sound!

He is singing some whole songs now, we can tell what he's singing as well even though he doesn't get the tune right! He can sing "the wheels on the bus" very well, although most often without the "the". He sang "I'm a little teapot" earlier, singing "Here's my handle! here's my spout! tip me up! pour me out!" He does still refer to some songs by name, which sound nothing like it should be, for example, Grand Old Duke of York is "Gig-ork"

Love my little boys so much!

Oh, and one small thing to finish up on, Jonathan and I did a naughty a couple of nights ago... we didn't use anything, and even though I've not had my periods return yet, I have been having increased amounts of cervical fluid, so there might be the possibility of baby #3... I will be happy whatever the outcome, something which seems crazy, the age gap would be tiny if I was, about 17 months, but I would be happy to welcome him/her into our family! And alternatively, if I am not, then that is fine too, I am happy to wait for another year or so before we try again, although my ideal situation would be to not get to the point where we are actively trying, I guess. I know that we were only trying for a fraction of the time it has taken/taking some people to conceive with Christopher, but it still felt horrid each month to get that BFN, I can only imagine it gets exponentially worse each time... It does feel nice to know that whatever the outcome, I am at peace with it this time. I will keep things updated.

Health reviews

In the UK, health reviews are offered at 7-9 months and 2-and-a-half. As luck would have it, Robert is two-and-a-half, and Christopher is 8 months. After a bit of appointment wiggling, due to me initially having 2 separate appointments in 2 separate locations just one hour apart, I managed to get the two boys in on the same appointment. Robert passed all his tests and got measured as 34lbs and 96cm tall. He built a tower for them and did a drawing to show them he could draw a line and a circle. His notes say his speech is half understandable, and got told that if it stopped improving, I should get an appointment with the GP and get a referral to a speech therapist. Something that right now isn't necessary as he is improving all the time.

Christopher got weighed for his, he is now 16lb 3oz, which at 8 months is on the dinky side, between the 2nd and 9th centiles. He is still in age 3-6 clothes, some of which are snug now, and some still have a bit of room. He does seem very different from Robert in that he does seem so tiny to be crawling. I remember when Robert started to stand unaided around this age, he seemed too small to be standing, I can only imagine how small Christopher would look!



Despite weighing so little (goodness, my "friend" would have a field day if she knew how much he weighs, poor starving Christopher), he is meeting his milestones and doing everything they would expect of him, and the health visitor we saw was not worried in the slightest at his weight.

I am relieved, I was bracing myself for some mention about his weight, even though I knew there is nothing to worry about because his temperament, general health, and milestone completion are evidence enough about his well-being.