Monday 28 May 2012

If I didn't know better...

If I didn't know better (and I do), I'd think I was pregnant. I've had so many "typical" pregnancy symptoms lately. Waves of occasional nausea, tender breasts and nipples, bloatedness, tiredness, super sense of smell spring to mind.

I'm not pregnant, I had my period, arriving on time, more or less, and lasting the right length of time, and I tested after it finished and it was negative. So no idea what that's all about.

I've started my first batch of decorating. Starting with the smallest room of the house, the downstairs cloakroom/toilet. My mum made me a floral arrangement a while ago to go in there, and I decided it was high time the house got its first lick of paint since we moved in over 4 years ago. So we got some pink paint to go with the flowers, and I painted one wall of the room (the one you see immediately you open the door). I then, today, painted a bit extra. I would ideally like to get some magnolia and freshen up the magnolia that's there already. And some white to freshen the skirting and ceiling. Then buy a ceiling light fitting to match in, and maybe get some new carpet or laminate, and that's that room DONE. Yes the smallest in the house, but it will be one room down, and it's amazing how GREAT it made me feel!! I would love to now start gradually transforming our magnolia canvas of a house into something that feels like we've DONE something with it! I really enjoyed painting, it felt so theraputic covering up the old magnolia with fresh pretty pink! I wish it were easier to find the time to decorate. I did a tiny bit of painting while the boys were eating lunch. It needs to be a weekend job I guess! I can't wait to get a whole rainbow of colours into the house somehow!

Friday 25 May 2012

My first CBT session and other things

So. Yesterday morning started off pretty badly. It was hot the day before and the French doors were open all day. The boys were up for the day pretty early, and it was Robert who discovered the water wasn't working again. I thought he was trying to get out of washing his hands, as he dislikes doing that and tries to put it off as long as possible, but we soon discovered he was telling the truth, so I had to apologise to him for not believing him. Oops!

Then Jonathan headed downstairs after the boys dry-brushed their teeth, to discover a load of ants gathered under one of the boys food plates that weren't cleared away from the night before. Apparently under the plate was a MASS of black. Bleughhhhh. I didn't feel up to seeing that so I stayed upstairs while the boys had their breakfast and Jonathan cleared up. I was pretty annoyed that the water was out, as I'd not had a shower in waaaay too long and really needed to do it that day. I asked my mum if she could bring some water with her, as she was coming up to have the boys while I went for my appointment, and I didn't think the water would be back on til I went for my appointment! Then as luck would have it, just before we were ready to go out to Tesco, the water had been turned on! (I heard the water tank in the bathroom filling back up again) My mum brought a 5 gallon container with her anyway, filled with water, and said keep it in the garage in case there's another water-outage!

The Tesco trip was quite stressful, as Christopher was crying on and off the whole way round, and Robert was yanking on the trolley, or running off (never too far, he's pretty good in that respect, and always comes back when we ask), or stopping to look at, and pick up EVERYTHING he saw that looked remotely interesting! I had to threaten to put back the rice cakes several times! I was feeling quite frazzled by the end of the shopping trip and was pleased to head out of the shop! It must be a sign though that although I felt quite stressed at the end of the shopping trip, it didn't affect my driving at all. I've not had a close call for ages now - I can't remember the last one actually! And being the end of May, it's been about a YEAR now I've been driving... 6 months of those with a licence!

Anyway.. I managed to get a shower before the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Mum arrived about an hour and a half to spare, so I could get the boys their lunch, and have my shower, and other stuff before setting off. I tried to sneak off without Christopher seeing, but he did and started crying when I went to the door, but mum managed to settle him very quickly (with the help of the tv lol).

I didn't know what to think about the session. She started off by explaining about the sessions, and then asking me questions about my moods and what physical affects I had with it, how long I'd been feeling low, and at one point she asked if I felt quite isolated (this might have been after she asked if I had kids and what ages they were - but I can't remember! Crazy! But I guess I did get a lot of information so it's hard to remember exactly what she said and when), and at this point I started crying, and said that yes I did, and that I'd had a friend, and explained the situation with S. As I was telling her about S, I suddenly stopped in my tracks, and realised that I noticed the low moods getting worse around March time, and that co-incided with the time I realised that S was breaking off from our friendship. And that it had been building up because since December she had been giving excuses not to see me, and it was only March that I realised that she didn't want to.

The lady I was talking to, called Nicola, was very sympathetic, and she also helped me see that my low moods were causing a lack of motivation, and low energy, and that my feelings about various things - the state of the house, my parenting skills, and so on, were all feeding back into a vicious cycle, so she has got me some sheets to fill in - firstly a sheet about what I do in the day, so we can see if I am actually doing much - if I am, then I need to work on my cognitive approach to break the cycle, and if I'm not, then we need to work on what I am doing and increasing my productivity to help break the cycle. Also a sheet to fill in when I start feeling low, what my feelings are, the situation I'm in at the time, and my thoughts at the time. Also to think about what problems I have and how much they affect me, and what goals I can work towards to help solve the problems. I'm seeing her again in two weeks.

So that was basically my first session of CBT. I've started on my diary of what I'm doing each day. And so far it's a productive one. I'm hoping that will carry on. I have such a huge list of things I want to do, storage to sort out for getting the house tidy and to a state I'm not ashamed to have people see it. Hopefully soon we will be getting the storage under the stairs sorted, and I'm getting itches to paint the downstairs cloakroom/toilet!

Wednesday 23 May 2012

CBT tomorrow

Well tomorrow afternoon I have my first session of Cognitive and Behavioural Therapy.  I have NO idea what to think about it.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like I'll be wasting their time.  Sometimes I think it'll help.  I have no idea what to expect, and I'm quite nervous about it.  I'll update about it tomorrow or Friday.

My two boys, despite me, seem to be getting on really well.  Robert will love going to nursery when it comes round to September.  He enjoys playing here but I think he will get on well with nursery, and enjoy making new friends.  He is always so outgoing.  He loves making new friends where ever we go.  At parks, soft play and so on, he often very quickly befriends other children.  He LOVES older children, and the older children seem to love him too.  At least at first!  I think he gets on better with the older girls - as they seem to be more tolerant of having a three year old trail them for the rest of the time they're there!! Of his same age, he tends to befriend more boys than girls, as the girls he meets of his own age tend to be shyer and don't like his boistrousness!

I'm so pleased the weather is cheering up a bit, I can open the French doors and let the boys go in and out as they please.  Robert is learning how to swing himself on the swing, and still enjoys the sandpit as much as ever.  Christopher now LOVES the big slide (I am thinking of getting rid of our small Little Tykes slide altogether) and climbs up it really well in addition to sitting down properly and going down by himself.  Yesterday he seemed to want to go on the swing.  We have a garden swing which now Robert is older and can get on and off himself is getting much more use.  I sat Christopher on it, told him to hold on to the strings tightly, and then gave him the gentlest push while hovering right infront ready to catch!  At first he would move his bottom and legs around a bit which would tilt the swing, but he's realised now that he'll fall so he sits quite still!  Awwww my little boy is growing up!

Every so often, in the attempt to give my boys something more stimulating to do than playing aimlessly with toys or watching TV for hours on end (which happens - most days! :(  ) I make something sensory for them to play with, or get out the paints, or the playdough.  I make my own playdough.  I find it much cheaper, much better quality (doesn't dry out as quick), and you know EXACTLY what went in - and that it's 100% non toxic as it's made from 100% food items!  The last time I made playdough, I made this recipe and it is great!  It stays soft for ages, and it has hardly any smell to it (which the other stuff I've made stinks - not all that bad, but it means that you can't add smells to it as it's natural smell just overrides it!).  Just be sure to add the food colouring to the water as it takes ages to mix in otherwise! Some people have also recommended adding the salt to the water so it dissolves too, and means you won't get a grainy playdough (which sometimes happens after a week or so in the airtight pot I put it in).

Anyway, a month or so ago I got the paints out, with some cardboard tubes for them to print with.  Christopher absolutely adores these activities when I do them with him. He seems to love painting, so I will have to make more of an effort to do some when the weather is nice and we can go outside, and reduce the risk of painty sofas and carpet!!













They stayed surprisingly long at the activity - something I usually dislike about doing things like this is that you spend 10 minutes setting it up, for them to enjoy it for a whole 2 minutes, before they get bored and start running around with painty hands.

Playdough on the otherhand is SO stress free it is unreal.  Robert will EASILY spend half an hour playing with playdough, and yeah bits get on the floor, but a good scrape and they usually come up.  Anything for half an hour of quiet!!!

This is a batch of playdough I made sometime in March, and the photo was taken late April I think, so it lasts well.  He made a hedgehog :)



He was so proud of it!



Anyway I'll leave this here for now.  It's been ages since I did a post like this.  I just lack motivation lately, but I really need to try and make these sorts of posts so I have some memories to hold onto before I forget them all!

Tuesday 15 May 2012

Another low and thoughts

It is entirely possible I suppose that the lows might be hormone related.  Whatever the reason I find myself wondering why I am constantly thinking of my parenting inadequacies.  People reassure me time and time again that I am a good mother, a normal mother, and that my kids won't suffer too much from the occasional outburst.

Something I wonder about, if it is the cause of my insecurities as a parent, is my time at work in the nursery.  I was 19 when I started working there, unqualified, and put into a job which SHOULD have been given to a qaulified member of staff.  I was there for 3 years, and by the end of my time there, I felt tearful a lot of the time.  I used my walk home from the school to process my day, but still, there were so many issues there.  I was disliked by most of my colleagues. My immediate boss outright bullied me.  When she went on maternity leave I felt relieved, and when she had the baby, I became extremely anxious that she would return to work again.  My new boss while she was on leave was LOVELY.  Having been away from there for 7 years, I kind of know why they didn't like me.  I was young, somewhat immature, very inexperienced, and lacking in common sense, yet all the while trying to act like I knew what I was doing.  Memories of a few incidents while I was there make me embarrassed at best, and relieved that there were other people watching out and there to pick up the pieces.  There was at least one occasion where something happened that COULD have been disastrous, and landed me me in a LOT of trouble.  The one that springs to mind was when I didn't see who took a child home.  The parents are supposed to wait til I acknowledge them before they take their children, but on one occasion, a parent (or brother or sister - who knows??!) must have ushered a child away when my attention was elsewhere.  When I realised, I started panicking, but trying not to tell anyone what I did!  I should have followed up by talking to my boss (the one who bullied me) about what had happened, and by calling the child's home to check they'd got there ok.  But I didn't, and spent the next day worrying until she was dropped off the next session.

So many other things, not quite so serious but still bad memories, blatent inadequate in the ability to do the job, I can't help but think it must still be lingering in my subconscious today, feeding my feelings of inadequacy as a parent.  I think of my bully boss every now and then, and the others who disliked me, and wonder what they would think if they knew I had two small boys.  I can't imagine they would be filled with confidence either.  Sometimes I even dream of the bully boss.  Mostly it's her being her normal self, and occasionally I get a dream where she's actually been nice to me.

I actually wonder if I was depressed while working there without even realising it.  Which would bring me to 4 depressive episodes within the last 11-12 years.

Sunday 13 May 2012

And again...

My period has shown up, ending a 32 day cycle.  I tested on Friday, when I thought I should have been due, and got a BFN.  I know I should be relieved in a way, because of our holiday next month, because of my upcoming wellbeing clinic treatments (the first session being brought forward to the 24th - less than two weeks away.  But I am disappointed.  I will be telling Jonathan today that I don't want to have unprotected adult fun this month or next because of the holiday and possible early 1st trimester joy (or not).  But I am kind of sad at the same time.

We are going out to the zoo today, so hopefully that'll be fun.

Wednesday 9 May 2012

Been trying not to obsess

Especially as I have a lot to think about anyway, and well, what will be will be.  I guess given the chemical pregnancy last month, I am likely to be fairly fertile, especially given spotting mid cycle is a strong likelihood for ovulation spotting.  And timing of intercourse means that it's VERY possible I could be pregnant.  I am not going to test early this month.  I am due around Friday I think, and that's if my cycle is around 30 days.  The spotting I had mid cycle, if it was ovulation spotting, would have meant a 26-27 day cycle, and therefore I would have been due on already.  I have had no spotting since the end of April.  I will just see if I get my period this week.  And maybe test on Monday if I've not had my period start by then.

Friday 4 May 2012

A few things to update about

Firstly, I had my doctor appointment this afternoon.  I had to take the boys with me, so I came prepared with Octonauts toys, books and apples.  I only needed the apples!  They were so good, and Robert sat on a chair munching his, Christopher sat on my lap munching his, and I talked to the doctor.  He referred me to the wellbeing clinic, and also said they'd take some bloods to check my thyroids and blood count to see if there was a medical issue causing my low moods.  I was quite pleased with that, as I wasn't expecting that at all, didn't even think about that there might be an underlying physical cause behind it.  Overall I felt that he was quite thorough.  He said I could also use anti-depressants, but I said I'd rather start with counselling as I think there must be some underlying issues that there must be and I'd rather deal with them rather than masking symptoms with pills.   So I got my referral for the clinic, and a form to fill in as a starting point for my moods, and a form to hand in for when I have my bloods taken - and at the same time I will get my follow up glucose tolerance to check that I've not still got diabetes.  Before I left I got an appointment with the wellbeing clinic, for 31st May.

Secondly, I have put Christopher on a dairy free diet (well, cows milk free).  The boys were both ill, and their appetites both reduced, as well as that I decided to avoid giving them dairy as that can upset tummies, anyway, a couple of days later I noticed that Christopher's eczema round his mouth looked slightly better.  And wondered if maybe, he's got a slight intolerance for dairy.  Also since his diarrhoea cleared up, his poos have been MUCH firmer, so I am wondering if the dairy again has something to do with it.  I've bought coconut milk for him to have with cereal, (tried it myself, it's quite nice!!) and some more vitalite for his sandwiches.  Unfortunately, the poor thing can't have cheese anymore (until we determine cutting dairy is having no effect) as he loves cheese.  He's had cows milk a couple of times (by accident) as one time  J forgot to put the coconut milk on instead, and the other time he ate the rest of Robert's cereal.  I guess for him to be PURELY cows milk protein free, I need to go dairy free as well.  I think if after a couple of weeks with him being dairy free apart from any traces proteins in my milk, it is almost better, I will try going dairy free for a couple of weeks and see if that helps clear it up completely too.

So there's my check in.  I've been up and down, had a fairly good week this week, thanks to my lovely husband starting off my week in a lovely way for me, leaving me "I Love You!" notes around the house, hidden in places I'd come across them during the day :)