Thoughts about genders

Well, yesterday my sister-in-law gave birth to a little girl, who she and my brother named Amelia. It's been a day now and I'm feeling a lot more excited and happy about it than I was when I first heard the news. She is the one who had a boy a year before Robert was born, who told me she didn't want kids at all to stop disappointment of people knowing it was taking them a while to conceive etc. I must admit, my first reaction was that of a sinking resentfulness. A stupid one of course, like the first one I felt when she was pregnant with my nephew! That once again they have "beat me" to something new for my parents. They had the first grandchild (and grandson incidentally), and now they have had the first granddaughter, despite me having two children between. Plus the fact that before Robert was "Robert" - while he was Sausage, I wanted a girl. And secretly I think I wanted Christopher to be a girl too.

It's been going round and round my head, wondering if the news that they had had a girl was disappointing to me for that reason also... because I do hope that someday I will have a daughter! And of course, I may not ever have a daughter. It did also get me thinking, also due to reading comments on my brother's photos of Amelia, or status updates, people's opinions, that having "one of each" is the "perfect" family. I hear it everywhere. See it everywhere. I've never heard, or at least not to my recollection, somebody saying "awww another boy, how perfect!" (or girl, of course) when it's a second child. (as opposed to third, where they already have "one of each"). And you see the dolls families with 2 parents, and 2 kids, the kids are always a boy and a girl. And Robert's checkout game, a boy and a girl. Charlie and Lola on TV.

I do love my BOYS so so much, and do NOT love Christopher any less because he's not a girl! (Or Robert for that matter). But I do find myself trying to conjure up homely images of the future of me with all sons and no daughters. To convince myself that it won't be all that bad. (!!) Strapping lads with their arms around me as they reach their adulthood. Boys running in the garden playing football or play wrestling. That sort of thing!

Another thing that I think of, is that if we do end up with another baby, I find myself wondering what the gender will be. I of course have no way of knowing!! But I find myself thinking all the same "I wonder if I will get a girl" or things like that. I think if we do have another baby we will find out the sex (Jonathan wanted to with Christopher it was me that stopped us! So I think Jonathan would have no problem if we have another baby), so that if it's a boy it will give me time to adjust. I do think back to the dream I had in pregnancy with Robert, that I gave birth to triplets, the first one being Robert, the second one also a boy, and the third one we thought was a boy at first but then it turned out to be a girl. It does make me wonder, if it's a kind of future telling dream, that I will have 3 kids, and well first two boys.. and if I have a third, if it will show on ultrasound (or if it's just an overwhelming thought) that it's a third boy, whether we will be surprised later by the emergence (or view on ultrasound) of a girl.

I guess it's a "time will tell" ending to this post really... All this assuming I do actually have a third child.

Reading back...

To when I was TTC/early pregnant with Christopher, when Robert was a little younger than Christopher is now, makes me boggle in amazement, at various things. One being how difficult it is to realise all the little things that Christopher is doing. How I have less time to update on Christopher's cute little things he does and how, when I read about Robert at that age, it makes me think "goodness, Christopher does that too and I've not really updated about it!" It sounds silly, but it seems like these little things, the way he toddles back and forth between my leg and the opposite sofa, planting kisses on each in turn about three times over, with the biggest grin on his face, will just disappear into thin air as Christopher the toddler turns into Christopher the pre-schooler. I read these things about Robert, and feel a twinge of sadness how soon Christopher will outgrow them, and become a little boy, talking, making me laugh with what he says rather than just what he does, how he will just grow and grow until he is a little boy rather than a baby, and I will never realise where he went, because like Robert, it will happen so gradually that I won't notice until it's long gone. It's lovely to see them grow up and change and develop, but so sad that once those days are gone, they are gone.

I can't believe that Robert was ever this young, and little, but he was! This is when he was around the same age as Christopher is now. I can completely see how he has grown up from this baby to the boy he is today, but funny how it doesn't work the other way around! I can't imagine the little boy Christopher will grow up to be!



And Christopher...

Christmas countdown and other goings-on

Well there are now 12 days to go til Christmas, and as usual, we are still finishing off buying Christmas presents. We don't have things for our parents, and we are trying desperately to think of things. I think it may have to be a medley of grandchild-made gifts for them this year, which means a busy week for me, and I should really make a list of what to make and when it needs to be done!

Just realised my last post was on the 28th of November, and that the next day I, as many of you will know from Facebook, passed my driving test first time! On Sunday I did my first un-chaperoned drive, which I felt strangely comfortable about! And now I can't wait to get a second car for us to keep here! I have a feeling that home improvements will go a lot faster once I have a car... Which I also predict will mean a rather sharp increase on our monthly outgoings. What Jonathan and I found rather amusing was that adding me to his insurance for the Yaris actually SAVED him £33! (which must mean they regard me as the safest driver haha)

I am also busy trying to convince him that he wants a third child, something that I don't seem to be doing too well at lately. :( yesterday I suggested that if we had another baby, and it was another boy, we could call him Daniel, as that's the name he's been itching for since day 1! He seemed to have mixed feelings about that heh. But having said that I am for now, happy to not be pregnant. Just as well, I am currently in the middle of my second post-natal period.

On boy news, they are both progressing beautifully. :) Robert is in the early stages of potty training... And has been forever it feels like. I get him to sit on the potty regularly, and he's been on the toilet a few times too. But he has NO idea when he needs to do either. The regular potty time is catching all his poos, but not his wees so we have quite a lot of accidents when he is in pants. I guess for now I just carry on getting him sitting on the potty several times a day and hoping that eventually he'll tell me when he needs a wee or a poo. It just seems never ending lately.

Christopher is not saying anything other than "geh" for again, which was the same as Robert! Sometimes he will wave and babble in a way that it sounds like he's trying to say "bye bye daddy" but with varying sounds making up the babbling. He's becoming quite reliant on me being around, and gets very clingy sometimes. And when he is upset, he wants ME. Not necessarily for gah-gee, cuddles will do, but only from me, no-one else. Something that got Jonathan quite upset at the weekend. He was a little happier when Christopher obliged him with a kiss (something that can be touch and go!) and when, this morning, Christopher got upset about Jonathan going downstairs and didn't seem to want to come to me.

Another thing Christopher is enjoying is playing with Robert's duplo, so I'm guessing we will be going on a duplo hunt this weekend! I'm really looking forward to giving the boys their main joint Christmas present... a dolls house! While the vast majority of the boys' toys are gender neutral or boy ones, they do each have a doll and they will love their dolls house I'm sure! And was such a bargain too!

A while ago I got the boys some painting to do, they love painting, but ohhh boy it is messy and it seems to take longer to set it up and clear it (and the boys) up afterwards than the time they are interested in it!! But they did enjoy it and we later used the finished paintings to make paper chains with.







At one point, Robert enjoyed simply making patterns in the paint with his finger, so I let him continue doing this all over the tray, and then put a piece of paper down on top of the pattern and rubbed the pattern onto the paper!



You can see the two patterned ones here, the red one next to the black bag, and the cream and gold one near the washing machine. All the others were made using brushes, hands, rollers etc. :)



Oh and hot news in from the press - Robert seems to be aware of his bowel movements yippee! This morning, I hadn't changed his nappy or got him to sit on the potty, and he said "Oh mummy, I need a poopoo" and started tugging down his pjs and nappy. Went and sat on the toilet (on his new toilet seat) and did a bit of wee, and then said "would you JUST GO Mummy?!!" so I went, and listened like crazy for rustlings of toilet paper, went back in at the appropriate time, and sure enough he'd done a poo! Sooo so pleased!!! Was so proud of him for telling me instead of just going in his nappy! And I feel a bit more confident that sooner or later he will realise that he needs a wee and tell me about that too!

Anyway, will leave off here for now with a photo (pre-haircut!!) of my two little men
Excuse mucky clothes lol. I gave him tomatoes or something equally mucky for lunch it seems that day and I rarely bother with bibs anymore!

Nervous

Tomorrow morning is my practical driving test. It's at 8.10am, so my instructor Colin is picking me up at 7am for a pre-test driving lesson. Hopefully any nerves I still have will dissipate during the lesson so I am calm and collected for the test. Tonight I will be getting an early night (and by early I mean no later than 9pm - preferably earlier!!) to make sure I am well rested and able to get up and dressed with no problems at 6am. My two little men might find it odd, as they usually climb into bed with us and have some mummy milk, luckily, Christopher usually wakes before 6am for some milk so hopefully he won't find it too bad.

Jonathan will be taking the two of them over to his parents house, then after the test I will either be going back here or see if my instructor will let me drive to Northampton. My documents are all ready, and now I am hoping that I will pass, as long as I don't make any stupid mistakes I should be ok. Cool calm logical head will hopefully be put on by morning!!!

5 days left

In just 5 days, I will no longer have a 2 year old, but will have a 3 year old instead. It makes me feel very emotional, because I just can't believe that almost 3 years ago, I had the most eventful day (and following week) of my life. Just two months ago, we celebrated Christopher's 1st birthday. It was a wonderful day, and unlike Robert's 1st (and 2nd) birthday, I did not get emotional at all. I guess because with Christopher, the birth experience was a joyful experience to me, and it all went wonderfully. I find myself getting that burning welling-up sensation in my throat and eyes just thinking about Robert's birthday. I guess his birthdays mean so much more to me because we almost lost him, because when he was born, we thought we HAD already lost him. The memory of what happened one, two, and now three years previously is still etched in my mind, and while it is becoming more distant, it will always be a reality for me.

After the ride in the ambulance, legs and feet sticky with blood from the birth, in a nightie and dressing gown over the top, sliding around on an uncomfortable seat, where I found it hard to really come to terms with what had happened, nor the baby in the carry case beside me with the paramedic, I spent the journey stealing little glances at him, while trying not to fall off the seat, my mind numb. I distinctly remember the midwife who came into the ambulance with us telling me that it was "ok" for me to cry. Did she really think I was holding back tears to appear brave? When we finally got to hospital, I was put into a wheelchair, and Robert was whisked off to SCBU. I was taken into a room, my legs cleaned a bit, and then assessed for pereneal damage, and consequently stitched up. While I was there (not while I was actually being stitched up though, thankfully) the doctors came and gave an overview on what was happening with Robert, I remember laying there in emotional numbness, being told that my son might end up with brain damage, that they would need to monitor him and that he would need furthur tests. My mum came in during the stitches, which she found rather disconcerting, seeing some woman's head between my legs haha! But I was glad at the distraction she provided. She told me that Jonathan's parents had arrived, and had gone to see Robert and Jonathan. I asked her to phone my dad and let him know.

After it was all done, I was allowed to bath, and it was lovely slipping into the hot water, and strangely therapeutic to see the bath water turning red as my body became clean. Thankfully, after a while, Jonathan poked his head in, and I asked him to help me out. I felt so weak I had to get him to help dry me, and then as my nightie I wore to the hospital was covered in blood, I put on a rather fetching hospital gown, luckily I was going back into the wheelchair. Jonathan wheeled me to the SCBU, to see Robert properly for the first time.



I was greeted with a baby in an incubator, strapped up in wires to his hands, feet, and one on his chest, monitoring blood flow, oxygen levels, breathing, and temperature, and administering fluids and antibiotics. I was told that this was my baby, but he didn't feel like mine.

I can't remember whether it was before or after I went in to see him that I saw Jonathan's parents in the little waiting room outside the SCBU. I was there in the wheelchair, and chatted lightheartedly with them. It was so surreal. I guess it was after, because surely Jonathan would have taken me in straight away.

That night Jonathan spent the night in my room with me. I was glad, we spent the night crying with each other. The emotions finally caught up with me, having seen the baby they said was mine, that he was alive, and in no immediate danger to his life, although the severity of his brain damage was yet to be seen. We cried for all that had happened that day, for all that might happen in the future. We were given a private room, thank goodness. I heard babies crying from the wards during the following days, which cut me, but not too deeply, as I knew even though he wasn't next to me, he was ok.

The next day, I put the baby to my breast. I wanted to breastfeed, I told the nurses in SCBU that. But it didn't feel as I thought it would.



Still, every four hours I would go down and put the baby to my breast. Sometimes he would take it, sometimes he wouldn't. When the doctors told me they wanted to give him formula until my milk came in, I told them it was ok, as long as it wasn't given by bottle. So they taught us how to feed him by cup.



After a few days (or what felt like it), the doctors and nurses told us it was exhausting him to cup feed, so they inserted a tube down his nose to feed him the formula. They showed us how to do this too, by pulling out some stomach fluid with the syringe, to test the acidity (to check that it was in his stomach and hadn't come out), before pushing the formula through the tube down into his stomach. Before each formula "feed", he would have a nappy change, which was interesting when he was in the incubator and you had to try and do it with your hands through the arm holes, then I would put him to the breast, and then he would have the formula. Eventually he latched correctly, and at 4 days post-partum, when my milk came in, they took out the tube and told me he could have just my milk from then on. During the first few days I did only go down when I had to, every 4 hours, for the feeds. I knew I could go down more often, but I didn't want to. Something that thinking back made me feel very guilty, but given my emotional state I guess it wasn't unsurprising.

On the Thursday I believe it was, Robert and I went by ambulance with the neonatal nurse Angela to Northampton General, to have an EEG taken of Robert's brain activity. It all came back normal, and while it was done he was good as gold, and nursed to keep him calm and happy. When we got back to Kettering, Angela showed me how to bathe him, as he needed one - well a hair wash really, as the EEG had made his hair sticky. That afternoon he came up with me back into my room. His feeding tube was out by then of course, and there he was in the cot, in my room, all feeds and all nappy changes and all comforting was MINE.



That was when he started to feel like MINE I think, while he was in SCBU it felt like I was borrowing him, sitting with someone else's baby. When he came upstairs with me, part of me couldn't believe it, I kept staring at him, thinking "wow, he's mine, he's really mine!" but still didn't feel right picking up up to cuddle him.



Finally, at 6 days old, Robert was signed off and we got him ready to take home. It felt strange, like we were being given keys to someone else's house. I knew it was OK that we take Robert, he was ours, we had permission, but it didn't feel quite "right" if you know what I mean?

Robert was asleep the entire time we got him dressed to go, and all the way home and stayed asleep until early hours the next morning.



Reliving it all makes it seem crazy to me that this was three years ago. That that baby is now a boy, a completely normal 3 year old boy in every respect. We are so lucky that despite everything, he had no brain damage whatsoever (well, there is always the possibility of some learning difficulties in the future, but nothing outside the normal parametres that any child could have).

From this...



To this...



Wow. Tell me again, where has the time gone?

She has arrived...

Aunt Flo that is! Just spotting for the moment, but pad is on tonight. Goodness this feels strange, it's been almost 2 years since my last period!

Another little update!

After the spotting on Saturday, I had nothing. Nada. Becca said that she found that when using the end of the roll that can sometimes give a pink tinge with the adhesive to stick it to the roll, and realised that yes I may well have been using the end of the roll! So I thought that it was probably all in my imagination then.... especially since the cramping went away mostly (and what was left was probably down to my mild tummy bug). UNTIL TODAY!

I just went to the toilet, and there was DEFINITE red spotting on it! From the middle of the toilet roll! ;) I'm still thinking it's unlikely that I have a new little bean growing, but things are DEFINITELY on the move now! I'll take a test tomorrow (just to be sure) but then wait and see when AF turns up!


Other non-fertility/cycle news at the moment... Christopher is quite poorly with a bad cold and accompanying fever. He really does feel quite rotten with it... Robert has the same cough Christopher started out with, and a sore throat, so wondering if he'll get the fever too :( We've started a no TV thing but with two poorly boys, I figure a bit of mindless TV watching isn't such a bad thing!

Hope you're all well! Tell me one exciting bit of news you've had in the last few days in the comments!

Update.. Or lack of!

Well since yesterday morning I have had zero spotting or anything really! Which has made me wonder if I imagined it, or you know where the tissue is wet and the colour of your fingers show through...

I realised I accidentally lied, I will be upset, or at least peeved slightly, in one senario, and that's if I get neither my period or a positive pregnancy test. I keep wondering if I will get an answer for the niggly feelings, because I have also (along with the boys) had a bit of a tummy bug. And wonder if it's that. I am thinking that I will try and put it to the back of my mind until Friday, then test if I haven't had my period show up.

Well....

This morning I had a few spots of pink on the tissue when I wiped... and I have had some niggly feelings down there for a few days as well. I can't help but think it is one of two things.. either my period is about to show up, or a birthday treat I gave Jonathan has born fruit.. it was over a week ago we did the deed so it could be implantation. I guess we will wait and see what happens, if I am not pregnant I really expect my period to show up soon. I feel mildly crampy, so it's not really bothering me.

I am pleased that right now I will be happy whatever happens. I do wonder what Jonathan will say if I am pregnant. He has not been using anything, so he should be aware of the possibility!

That is all really, I will keep this updated!

Numbered post.

Here's a numbered post... just because.

1. I wake up every morning tired. I can't sleep longer because of the kids! Yet I don't go to bed til my eyes are literally closing themselves despite figurative matchsticks being propped up. Why?!! I guess it's because the evenings are the only time we get to ourselves, so we eak it out!

2. Driving lessons are going well. Not had any for about a fortnight though, for various reasons. But Jonathan put me on the insurance for his car, and I drove him and the kids (!!) to his parents yesterday. It went quite well I think! My driving test is in under a month's time, so I am hoping that the lessons I squeeze in, plus practice with Jonathan, helps me and lets me pass first time.

3. My weight loss went on a back-burner for a while, and I went back up almost half a stone - oops! I'm back on it now, and have just over a stone to lose til my target of 10 stone, and hopefully I will get there by Christmas. My first weigh in is tomorrow, and I'm not optomistic - I over-ate at the weekend as it was Jonathan's birthday! I have gone from a small size 20 (US size 16) to size 12 (US size 8) in a year which I am thrilled at, but would like to lose a bit more weight, and tone up some. Running has become more of a chore than I wanted it to be - I'm going to try and get fit using the Wii, and see how I do with that.

4. Both the boys are growing so fast. Sometimes it seems that I blink, and they've aged a few months! I adore looking back to their early photos, and thinking "wow, I can't believe they were so tiny!" but still recognising them from their features at only a few months old. It's amazing how a child's "look" stays with them from only a few months old, on and up through the years.

5. I'm sooo incredibly broody right now! By the time Robert was Christopher's age, I was within a week or so of conceiving Christopher. I do wonder if there is the possibility of me being pregnant, my libido is increasing, and we are not "preventing" pregnancy... but I am still waiting on aunt flo to make an appearance. I know it is possible to get pregnant before she even shows up, but it's not very likely! And especially since I think I conceived with Christopher at the first possible moment, and I'd had a couple of previous full cycles before falling pregnant, I think it's unlikely that I would ovulate before getting the first post-natal menstruation. Given that we have recently night-weaned Christopher, with him going from bedtime (between 7.30 and 8pm) til 5-6am without waking for milk, this is a considerable leap so would not be surprised if that will trigger aunt flo into returning soon, and thus the return of fertility. I do *want* to wait til Christopher is 18 months old, but I would be so completely 100% over the moon if an "accident" were to happen, that I am happy for things to take their own course, whenever that would be, be it NOW, or a few months from now, or a year from now.

6. My eyes are drooping, so I guess I had better get off to bed!

The power of love

Sometimes, I simply cannot believe how much love my heart can hold. For Christopher particularly at this time, I am just SO. IN. LOVE. with that baby boy! I think everyone wonders if they'd be able to love their second child as much as their first, since their first child was around first, and has been around longer, how could we possibly love another child as much? Part of me wonders if, following on from an earlier post, I actually love Christopher more than I did Robert. In some respects, it's easy to imagine that is true, as I had PTSD following Robert's birth, and just pure babymooning bliss with Christopher! But then at the same time I think maybe it just seems like I love Christopher at this age more than I loved Robert at the same age because Christopher is here NOW, and Robert was 13 months old almost 2 years ago, so the memory is dimmer.

But either way... boy, I just am IN LOVE with Christopher, I really am. I just ADORE that he is at the age where he is happiest in my arms, that he is learning all about giving kisses, and beginning the basic communication that lets me know what he wants. Oh I could write an essay about all the little things Christopher does right now! All the things I love about him, all the things I notice from time to time and as a matter of course! But where to start!

Communication wise, he says "dada" a lot, so much so I don't think it holds a LOT of meaning... But he definitely seems to say "mama" when he's aggitated and wants me, and hardly ever otherwise! He has made up his own sign for "I want that"!! He holds his hand up towards what he wants and makes a grabbing/beckoning motion with his fist!

He LOVES songs, and singing! His favourite song is by far Twinkle twinkle little star, and he opens and closes his hand in the air to signal that he wants us to sing it! And when we do he grins so much, and starts "singing" along with us, which consists of "dadadadadada!" in a sweet singsong voice! I would sing all day to him if I could, but Robert quite often starts shouting "HE'S BETTER! HE'S OK! STOP SINGING MUMMY!!!" as we ask him sometimes to sing to Christopher to cheer him up haha.

What else? Well he's just moved into size 9-12 month clothing (at 13 months!!), so he's quite diddy still! But that just endears him to me all the more! I could just hold him all day and kiss his soft cheeks! And tickle him to hear his sweet chuckle! And ohhhh his dimples!!! He has the cutest little dimples ever!!







Oooh what else... He is walking so well now!! He hardly ever crawls anywhere now, and is so confident in just standing himself up and toddling off. He gets sturdier and steadier all the time, and is SO FAST now too! I swear he was RUNNING away from Robert earlier today! He climbs too... ohhhh he climbs! The stairs are oh so easy for him now, we have to keep the stairgate closed or he'll be up them in no time! Like this evening, I was in the kitchen checking something, and came back in the living room, saw Robert, could NOT see Christopher... started to panic until I saw the stair gate open, and went upstairs, sure enough, there he was, at the top, grinning down at me! But now also he does not think anything of climbing onto the toy box to climb onto the sofa... or onto Robert's chair to climb onto the table! I stop him from climbing on Robert's chair and table!! He's getting so adept at getting down off things now too!

Sleepwise, we have started to nightwean him. Robert was nightweaned at 8-9 months old, and just over a week ago we decided to do the same finally with Christopher. When he woke up not even 3 hours after he'd gone to bed, we just cuddled him, attempted to put him down in his cot and pat him to sleep. When he started writhing about, trying to sit up, we would go and lay back in bed, leaving him in the cot. We left the light on so he could still see us, so he knew we were there, and left him for 5 minutes. Then we got up and repeated the process, the next time left him for 6 minutes. And so on. I think we got to 9 minutes, before Jonathan finally managed to settle him to silence in his cot. He got back into bed, which creaked horribly, and started Christopher off again, so I leapt out of bed to pat him back to sleep, which he did, and I crept into my slightly less creaky side of the bed. Turned off the light, which disturbed him and he moaned for about a minute, but then went to sleep, and didn't wake til 6! Granted he was awake screaming from 10.40pm til 12.10am, but 6 hours was fabulous! The next night we were expecting to have to do the same again, but he slept all the way from 7.45 until 6am!! And the next night he woke at 5am, which I think is the earliest I wanted to give him milk, and he went to sleep again. Next morning was 4am-ish, but Jonathan cuddled and patted him to sleep again. But sooo much better than 11ish, then 2ish, then 4ish, then 6ish... :) It won't be long before we can put him in Robert's room! But how I think I'll miss him! And worry about him probably too!

I just love him sooo much! And every day I love him a little bit more! I simply can't imagine not being able to love subsequent babies with all my heart! The thought that I wouldn't love them as much as the ones I already have is sooo alien to me! And I just can't wait to have more squishy babies who I will love to pieces! I just adore holding my littlest man and having precious cuddles... I know before long they will be few and far between...

Christopher's 1st Birthday!

Well this is laaaaate! (3 weeks or so late!) But firstly I want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post, it means SO much that each of you took the time to respond, here or elsewhere, and made me feel a little more normal, a little less horrid-mum-ish, and for helping me think of solutions and ways to control my temper. Since the last post I have been much more restrained!!

Anyway! Christopher's 1st birthday party. We decided to have a party at Jonathan's parents house again like we did for Robert's 1st birthday (aren't they great?!! They cleaned and everything!!) And this time set out a buffet requiring much less preparation. No sandwiches, or cocktail stick foods, more DIY stuff like plates of ham, plates of cheese, bowl of salad, platter of bread, etc.

I digress! We got up early (as is the norm in this household!), and after the birthday boy and his brother had some milk (Can't believe I've been tandem feeding for over ONE YEAR now!!), we went downstairs, and got Christopher's presents out! The presents from us were a modest amount, Robert chose a happy days (I think that's what it's called??!) school toy to give Christopher, and we got him a walk-along lion clacker toy, a wooden clown ring stacker (a firm favourite already!!!) and a lovely little soft doll which has since been called Lewis.



The birthday boy enjoyed opening them, although he got a lot of help from his big brother and did surprisingly seem keener on the toys than the paper - I was expecting him to be focused on the paper!!

















Robert was very keen to help open the presents, and also to help play with them! We did have to impose a rule that Christopher got to play with a toy first and then Robert could play with them afterwards. I did feel quite bad for him as the day wore on!

I had made Christopher's cake the day before. Unfortunately, the travel over and the many MANY times I had to roll out the icing before it would stop sticking to the work surface, or looking too white from the excess icing sugar, helped make a long crack in the icing, and the icing did seem to settle somewhat, and pool down by the bottom of the cake by the time it was ready to serve!





But I was impressed for my first attempt at a shaped birthday cake!! And it was delicious - I made a special effort to find a vegan cake recipe for family members, and having had it, it is now my FAVOURITE sponge recipe!! I've made it several times since, and it is especially delicious made into cupcakes with buttercream frosting on. Yum! The cake went down very well with the family and friends who made it over :)





Christopher got such a lot of presents, he was a very lucky boy! And Robert has enjoyed playing with them too, although now they are getting a bit bored with them, so might have to put the majority of them away and swap them out for some of Robert's cars again haha!

He got a peg puzzle, clothes, art things (which Robert has used, Christopher hasn't yet.. I'm not brave enough!!), a ride on toy, a wooden noah's ark (another favourite!!), books, a few nice chunky car/truck toys, a dog puppet, and other bits and pieces, as well as what we got him.







By the end of the day, we were exhausted! Then we had to help tidy up the house, pack up the leftover food (we ate leftover party food for about 3 days afterwards!!!), get the kids bathed and dressed for bed, and then leave as it was already past the boys' bedtime! He had such a good day though, with plenty of kids to play with, and plenty of adults too! But at the same time, it's made me realise why we didn't do a 2nd birthday party for Robert, and why he won't be getting an official 3rd birthday party as well! Sooo stressful but it was lovely to see everyone!

Birth trauma and continued bonding.

Robert's 3rd birthday is fast approaching (and I still haven't written about Christopher's 1st birthday yet!). I can't help but wonder sometimes if the trauma of Robert's birth has affected our relationship more profoundly than I could ever have imagined. The numbness I felt towards him in the first few hours and days of his existence out of the womb, followed by the frustrations of early motherhood and dealing with what I believe now to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

While I began feeling better before his first birthday, I still see the remnants of my fear and frustrations in my day to day interactions with him. I feel so guilty even thinking about it, let alone admitting it publicly, but I have got to the stage where I can't deal with these thoughts in my head alone. I need to write them down, to see my thoughts in black and white and hopefully make some sense of them. I don't know if it is because he is of the age where he knows what he wants, but lacks the language and social interaction skills to make these wants known in appropriate ways, and that I am just not very effective yet at mothering this part of childhood, or whether I am still struggling to bond with Robert appropriately. I smack Robert occasionally.. And not particularly gently. It isn't a disciplinary smack so much as a losing control smack. I so so so do not want to be a smacking parent! It fills me with sadness when I see Robert run away in fear when I stand up to go to him when he has done something I do not like, even if I am not advancing in anger. He has borne the brunt of my frustrations all his life. From when he was a baby and I was suffering psychologically from his birth and I would throw him onto the bed in frustration... How can I expect him not to hit people or push them when I do it to him?

I haven't lifted a finger to Christopher though, not once. I do try and reprimand him for things he shouldn't do, yet all the same I do not treat the boys equally, and Robert is beginning to see that I think. I try, really try not to lose my temper with Robert, and I really don't want to make excuses for my behaviour. I want to try and see what I can do, is there anything I can do to break this association of parenting Robert with violence, and become the gentle loving parent I am half to most of the time- all of the time? Because half or most of the time will not cut it, if I parent with violence even some of the time, that is what he will remember, that is what he will take into adulthood and give to his children, my grandchildren.

What is the first step? How do I begin to change something when I do not even know why I do it?

Friendships

My neighbour and I have made up again. I was so so angry at what she said that I was determined not to budge, I think in a way I had convinced myself that she hated me, (indeed, it did SEEM to me that she hated me) so that I also hated her, didn't need her friendship. The truth is, that while some of our parenting methods are sooo different, our souls seem to be connected. We just "get" each other, and she's the only friend I've ever really had like it.

She texted me on Christopher's birthday, and before long we were texting just like we used to, which unnerved me a bit, so we met up at the park and had a good long chat. I came home after and cried and cried on and off most of the afternoon for being so stupid and stubborn the last 7 months, for missing out on our friendship all that time, for all the mean thoughts I directed her way. The things I thought in order to make myself feel better for not having her in my life. All the ANGER I directed at her almost every day in my thoughts just so I could survive another day without her friendship. I went to the playgroups, smiled, tried being friendly in the hopes of making other friends. A replacement Sarah, but none got even close. When we met up and she told me how much she missed me, and I mentioned how I saw her walking up the road with people, chatting and smiling away, she said "yeah, but they're not you."

That was the moment I forgave her, felt part of her pain, and realised how much we both need our friendship, and that that's the reason making up was so important, and how we were just meant to be friends. That evening, I read on someone's status about "fake friends and real friends" Fake Friends - never ask for food. -Real Friends - Are the reasons you have no food. - Fake Friends - Never seen you cry. - Real Friends - Cry with you. - Fake Friends - Know a few things about you. - Real Friends - Could write a book about you. - Fake Friends - Would knock on your front door. - Real Friends - Walk right in and shout "I'M HOME!" - Fake Friends - Will help you up when you fall over. - Real Friends - Will jump on top of you and shout "SANDWICH!" - Fake Friends - Are for a while. - Real Friends - Are for life. and I cried while reading that. Because that's what we have in a friendship.

I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful mutual friendship with her, and that she made the first move to get it back again.

Brothers

For the most part, Robert and Christopher get on well together. But with the difference in age, ability, and understanding of various concepts brings the challenge of how to get on well all the time. Robert gets frustrated easily with Christopher who likes to come up and knock over towers he's built, or take a car from the line-up he's playing with, or break up a jigsaw. Christopher gets frustrated because Robert won't let him play with things. When Robert gets frustrated, he tends to push Christopher out of the way, usually with his head as his hands are occupied.

I don't know if it was provoked, or if he just felt like it, but while I was having a wee while the boys were in the bath next to me, I suddenly saw Robert push Christopher, who fell sideways face first into the bath. I lunged so quickly, knickers round my ankles, hitting my knee on something on the way down, and grabbed Christopher up out of the water. He started coughing and spluttering, and crying, and as he was inconsolable in the bath, I got a towel and got him out, and cuddled him, and while I did that, I told Robert how dangerous it was to push people in the bath. The tone of my voice made him listen, I was shaking for a good half hour after it happened, and I really wanted him to know how serious it was and that he shouldn't do that. I didn't want to get into the concept of drowning and death in those words, but I did tell him that people can't breathe under water and if their face goes underwater and they can't breathe, they have to go to hospital, and the doctors there will try and make them better, but sometimes they can't make them better. I left it at that, but impressed it several times in the hope that it sunk in.

They do love each other though, and most of the time it shows. Robert will do something that Christopher finds funny, Robert will do it over and over to make him laugh. :) Christopher loves to give Robert kisses - unfortunately, with his wide open mouth and the TEETH lunging towards you, Christopher's kisses are quite scary and sometimes painful, despite the sweet intent. While toys can prove a battleground, when the boys just have themselves, a table and the run of downstairs, they have so much fun, chasing each other around, giggling and squealing. They really are good friends, and I hope as they proportionally become closer in age, they will get on better and better :)

Ohhhh my...

My baby will be turning one next Sunday... I can't believe it! He seems SO much younger than Robert did when he turned one. He is gestationally 2 weeks younger than Robert was... but even so, he does seem soo so so little and much more like a baby. I don't know if this is because Robert was walking since 9 months old, whereas Christopher is just taking his first tentative steps and is nowhere near confident in walking a lot. Or if it's because he's my second baby and I have an older child to compare him to (even though in my head I think I am comparing him to how Robert was, not how Robert is). Or if it's because he is a physically smaller baby than Robert was (he's not even 20lb, maybe not even 19lb, hard to tell for sure - and Robert at 11 months old was 22lb). I don't know! But it doesn't feel like Christopher can possibly be anywhere near 1 yet!

I have been trying out vegan cake recipes, as Jonathan's sister and brother-in-law are vegan. The one I have tried so far made a rather flat and stodgy cake, although quite tasty. I will try another one, and see how that turns out, on just the one layer of sponge. I have decided to be adventurous, and make a themed birthday cake! Christopher, just like his big brother, loves cars, so I am going to make a car cake :) I am really looking forward to making it, and know how it is going to be made, just a little nervous about making some pre-made white icing black for the tyres without it going all gloopy... I'm guessing add extra icing sugar, but we'll see.... if it goes horribly I guess the car can have blue wheels or something! :)

I am also very excited for two blogger friends who have announced pregnancies recently! One more-so than the other as it has followed a looooooong wait, and is so incredibly deserving of a sweet bundle of joy!! But the two pieces of news has made me SO incredibly broody! We are not TTC yet... I haven't even had my first period yet, but I wasn't expecting to have had it though, as Robert was 11 months when it returned after him, and he was nightweaned at around 8 months old, whereas Christopher still isn't nightweaned yet. I would SO LOVE to be pregnant again, but at the same time, I do still want to wait a little while longer. I think if I manage to wait til Christopher is 18 months old, I will deserve a medal!! Hehe! Of course I might not have a choice on matters... we shall see. I think the "not preventing" method might be best for us...

Right, well it's late, and I need my sleep desperately lately... Christopher hasn't been sleeping particularly well.

Nearly 1 year post-partum

As Christopher is nearing his first birthday (can you believe it? I can't!) I can't help but draw parallels between where I was then, and where I am now. Last year, I was heavily pregnant, weighed probably almost 16 stone (although I am not 100% sure), I was extremely apprehensive regarding the induction of birth I had agreed to let myself be booked into, but excited about meeting my new little one.

Now I am 4 stone down on my 4 day PP weight, weighing 10 stone 11lb, or there abouts. I feel more energetic, healthier and fitter than I have been for a decade. I still have a long way to go in terms of fitness, but now I am in a place where I am actively seeking to become fitter. I am going to start running, which I think will aid not only my physical fitness, but also my emotional well being.

I have also been learning to drive, and while I don't anticipate to have passed my test by Christopher's birthday (seeing as I've not even taken my theory test yet, which must be passed prior to booking the practical), I do anticipate that I will be a fully fledged driver before Christmas.

I also have one fewer friend than I did last year, and it still hurts, I still haven't replaced her with a friend of equal status, and that hurts too. Sometimes more than I can say.

I am also really looking forward to giving birth to my as yet unconceived third child. Sounds really strange, but I am! My second birth was amazing for the most part, and that, along with my new level of fitness (only to improve as I start a running programme imminently) has given me the confidence in my body that I can sustain a healthy pregnancy and birth a child with love, confidence, and ease. I am already planning a home birth in my mind! But do still want to wait several more months before we conceive. I still have not had my first PP period, so I'm probably ready to conceive again anyway. I feel that my next pregnancy will be the most planned in terms of me getting physically ready to carry and birth a baby than either of my last two.

Sometimes

Even when I feel down, when I wonder why I am like I am, I feel grateful that I have two people in my life who wouldn't change me for the world. I try and remember that in these moments, that they are the reasons I breathe, put one foot in front of the other. But I do wish things were easier sometimes.

Urgh..

Pretty sure now that my increase in discharge is actually thrush. I got it once before, when pregnant with Christopher, and this was just after a course of anti-biotics for a urine infection. It was HORRENDOUS. Not the worst thing I have ever experienced, but pretty damn uncomfortable. I tried sudocrem on it (HAHAHA worst mistake ever - if you get thrush, DO NOT use sudocrem on it!!), and eventually I just went to the toilet often, washed myself with a flannel afterwards, dried myself off, and just kept myself clean and dry in this manner until it cleared up. The amount of discharge is just insane actually, I'm sure I've had it as bad before, but to go from nothing, to this amount in the course of a few days is just silly. Part of me wonders if it's connected to "something" going on down there, I keep wondering if it's linked to ovulation. I've thought I've been ovulating several times in the past, two weeks later and still no period, so I guess I just wait it out and see.

Baby number 3 isn't set in stone, but I think it's more likely than not to happen. ;) I am excited not only because I see my two boys interacting more and more, and think how lovely it would be to give them both a younger sibling again, but because it will be my first pregnancy at a healthy weight, and looking forward to seeing how I fare with it this time round, and also, I loved my bump when I was pregnant with both boys, I find myself wondering how different I will look while pregnant if I start out much thinner!

I am now 2 lbs away from having lost 4 stone since Christopher's birth. Weighing in at 10 stone 13lb. I would love to get to 10 stone by his 1st birthday.

Anyway, not got a lot else to update on particularly, so will leave it for now. :)

Forgot to say...

I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative. But you probably figured I'd have updated if it was positive!

Also, increasing amounts of CM, enough to get onto my knickers, so thinking it might not be long before I get my first post-natal period. 10 months and counting so far, and Robert's was 11 months, and he was night-weaned between 8-10 months, Christopher still has milk once or twice during the night, and no where near weaning during the night yet.

Hoping it stays away a little longer, the longer the better, until we feel ready to start trying for baby number 3!

It's been really hot this weekend, yesterday we went to a wedding, of a friend I've known for over a decade, maybe even as much as 12 or 13 years! We've not seen each other in many many years, and it was great to see him again. The boys had great fun in the venue's garden, especially since my brother was there and so Robert got to play with his cousin Ewan again (second weekend in a row!), and they get on so well now, it was lovely to see.

Will hopefully post more photos soon, but here are a few from the beginning of July.

We don't make our kids say please and thank you.

Imagine the scene, you're at a playgroup, and a small child, maybe 2 years old, takes a drink from the woman handing them out. The mum waits barely 3 seconds, before calling out from across the room "Say thank you!!" and repeats her demand until the child complies. The next child takes a drink, and luckily the child complies with her mother's request to say thank you after the first time. Every parent with a child feels obliged to make her child show proper manners in this social setting.

It was how I "learnt" my manners, I remember constantly being reminded to say "please" and "thank you" and given those memories I must have been forgetting my manners regularly until maybe up to the age of 8 or maybe even older!

Children do not need to be told in this manner what behaviours require a certain response. With enough modelling, they pick it up for themselves.

Now, Robert, being 4 months shy of his third birthday, does not say please and thank you every time that would be appropriate. But then I don't think there is any kid of Robert's age who remembers EVERY time. We do not push him to say it. If he forgets, and the situation allows it, we gently remind him, by speaking for him, so in the above situation, we would say in a slightly exaggerated way (so to ensure he has heard) "Thank you, Hannah", and if that prompts him to utter his own thanks then all is well, if not, we leave it. Mostly we do not bother with this, but in social situations where there is the pressure to show manners, we gently remind him.

At home, we thank each other, and we thank Robert, when he gives us things, and when we give each other things. We say please when asking for something. It warms my heart when he says please, and thank you (or, in Robert-speak, "dee-doo") appropriately. He also says "You're welcome" when we thank him, and if somebody burps, he says "pardon oooo", and if he burps, (or farts, sneezes or even hiccups) he says "pardon me". He asks for things saying "May I have..." and this is all down to our modelling. If I say to him "May I have some of your banana please, Robert?" he will say "Yes, you may, Mummy."

Moral of the story, kids are like sponges, whatever they soak up inveriably leaks out after a while :)

Sleep and milestones

Sooo... a long time no write! I don't have time during the day anymore as Robert has all but dropped his naps, and in the evening I tend to use what spare time I have then to do some digital scrapbooking or photo editing. Which means that blogging has lapsed somewhat!

It's now getting towards the middle of July. We have a 2 year 7.5 month old, and a 9.5 month old. It is amazing watching the two of them develop, both as indivuals, and as brothers! Robert is amazingly chatty, and picks up so many new phrases he hears out and about (and from the TV. ahem) and often repeats them several times over the course of the day. Today's has been "What is Spiky doing out in the daytime?!" which he got from Come Outside, the TV show with Auntie Mabel and Pippin, when they see Spiky the Hedgehog out in the garden during the day. His pronounciation is still a little unclear, but we can understand most of what he says, and he is working on his pronounciation all the time, now sometimes saying "banana" instead of "nana", and "Isps-to-fah" instead of "Ooover" when talking about his brother.

He is also pushing boundaries a lot, meaning that we have increased the number of time outs he gets lately... He usually screams as we are carrying him upstairs after being told for example that he's going for time out because he was hitting us, "I not hit you anymore Mummy!!" Sometimes we give him one more chance, other times we don't, he goes straight to time out, it depends on the severity of what he did and how many warnings he had previously. It is a very challenging time, and I'm sure it won't get easier, so we feel it's important to be consistent now, and make sure that we try and nip things in the bud now rather than let things get out of hand down the line. Sometimes it's easier said than done!

Even though he can be very challenging to deal with now, he can instantly make us smile when he wants to, with a funny antic or other, or saying something funny. He likes to pretend to be a ghost, covering himself up with a blanket. A few nights ago, he did that with his bath towel, and then started walking around, and despite us telling him to stop, he continued, and bumped quite comically into the door frame, and then Christopher's cot. He was fine, and even found it quite funny himself.

He loves to make Christopher smile, and laugh, and often "talks" to him by making babbly noises that Christopher makes, saying "gaa-gaaa-gaa!" with a big grin on his face. He does talk to him properly too of course, what I thought was extra sweet was one day, Christopher woke from his nap and started crying, and Robert went upstairs with me close behind, went into our room, and said "Are you alright, Ooover?" and then started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to him! Awwww!

He always wants to hug and hold him, and loves to play "ide an eek" which involves Robert crawling under the table, and peeking out saying "peep bo!" and then waiting til Christopher crawls up before coming out at lightning speed prompting Christopher to turn around and chase him away, before he then skirts back under the table :)



Christopher is now 9 and a half months old. Robert, by this age, was walking unaided, and by 10 months was quite a confident walker! In comparison, as I think I said in an earlier post, Christopher isn't as quick as Robert was. But I don't think he'll be much longer. He is balancing better and better, holding on with one hand, cruising with ease, and will stand for a few seconds if put in the right position and sort of pre-balanced. I don't think it'll be much longer before he's standing alone, and then walking will follow shortly afterwards I think. Before he's a year old I expect he'll be walking!

His sleep has been terrible the last few nights, waking every few hours, and SCREAMS. THE. PLACE. DOWN. until offered the boob, but even with a boob, he will still wake in a few hours and do the same :( We have no end in sight to when we will be able to move Christopher into Robert's room, as he is still nowhere near night weaned! We are hoping that some new skill (thinking, standing alone?!) will emerge soon to explain the horrendous nights.

We had some photographs taken at a photo studio, the same one as we went to when Robert was 6 months old. This photograph shows how sturdy Christopher is 1 handed!



Despite Robert being less than co-operative at the start, they did manage to get some nice ones of him. This is one of my favourites, and there are a few close up ones that I love too.



Onto some "me" news, 2 of my personal goals are well underway. The first of which, my weight loss, is going steadily again (finally) after a big stall, it's slow going but it's gradually coming off again, which I'm more than happy with. Over the last 9.5 months I have averaged at around 1.3lb lost per week, which is nice and healthy, and should see me at my overall goal by the time Christopher is one. I have dropped from 15 stone (well, 14st 11) since Christopher was 4 days old, and a size 20, to 11 stone and a size 14. I am aiming to lose 1 more stone, then see how I feel, but once I get there, I shall probably try and up the exercise, and tone up rather than just losing the fat. I am hoping to be in a size 12, or maybe a generous size 10 ;) Which is US size 6.

The second goal is my driving lessons. I have done 13 hours of lessons now (which reminds me, I *must* pay for another block tonight!) and have covered up to roundabouts, and in my last lesson, did my first maneuver, the "turn in the road" aka 3-point-turn. My next lesson is in 2 days time. I wonder what will be covered then :)

Anyway, sorry it's been so long between posts, I can't promise to say when the next one will be either! Most likely it will be posted by a 28-year-old though ;)