Monday 31 October 2011

Numbered post.

Here's a numbered post... just because.

1. I wake up every morning tired. I can't sleep longer because of the kids! Yet I don't go to bed til my eyes are literally closing themselves despite figurative matchsticks being propped up. Why?!! I guess it's because the evenings are the only time we get to ourselves, so we eak it out!

2. Driving lessons are going well. Not had any for about a fortnight though, for various reasons. But Jonathan put me on the insurance for his car, and I drove him and the kids (!!) to his parents yesterday. It went quite well I think! My driving test is in under a month's time, so I am hoping that the lessons I squeeze in, plus practice with Jonathan, helps me and lets me pass first time.

3. My weight loss went on a back-burner for a while, and I went back up almost half a stone - oops! I'm back on it now, and have just over a stone to lose til my target of 10 stone, and hopefully I will get there by Christmas. My first weigh in is tomorrow, and I'm not optomistic - I over-ate at the weekend as it was Jonathan's birthday! I have gone from a small size 20 (US size 16) to size 12 (US size 8) in a year which I am thrilled at, but would like to lose a bit more weight, and tone up some. Running has become more of a chore than I wanted it to be - I'm going to try and get fit using the Wii, and see how I do with that.

4. Both the boys are growing so fast. Sometimes it seems that I blink, and they've aged a few months! I adore looking back to their early photos, and thinking "wow, I can't believe they were so tiny!" but still recognising them from their features at only a few months old. It's amazing how a child's "look" stays with them from only a few months old, on and up through the years.

5. I'm sooo incredibly broody right now! By the time Robert was Christopher's age, I was within a week or so of conceiving Christopher. I do wonder if there is the possibility of me being pregnant, my libido is increasing, and we are not "preventing" pregnancy... but I am still waiting on aunt flo to make an appearance. I know it is possible to get pregnant before she even shows up, but it's not very likely! And especially since I think I conceived with Christopher at the first possible moment, and I'd had a couple of previous full cycles before falling pregnant, I think it's unlikely that I would ovulate before getting the first post-natal menstruation. Given that we have recently night-weaned Christopher, with him going from bedtime (between 7.30 and 8pm) til 5-6am without waking for milk, this is a considerable leap so would not be surprised if that will trigger aunt flo into returning soon, and thus the return of fertility. I do *want* to wait til Christopher is 18 months old, but I would be so completely 100% over the moon if an "accident" were to happen, that I am happy for things to take their own course, whenever that would be, be it NOW, or a few months from now, or a year from now.

6. My eyes are drooping, so I guess I had better get off to bed!

Tuesday 25 October 2011

The power of love

Sometimes, I simply cannot believe how much love my heart can hold. For Christopher particularly at this time, I am just SO. IN. LOVE. with that baby boy! I think everyone wonders if they'd be able to love their second child as much as their first, since their first child was around first, and has been around longer, how could we possibly love another child as much? Part of me wonders if, following on from an earlier post, I actually love Christopher more than I did Robert. In some respects, it's easy to imagine that is true, as I had PTSD following Robert's birth, and just pure babymooning bliss with Christopher! But then at the same time I think maybe it just seems like I love Christopher at this age more than I loved Robert at the same age because Christopher is here NOW, and Robert was 13 months old almost 2 years ago, so the memory is dimmer.

But either way... boy, I just am IN LOVE with Christopher, I really am. I just ADORE that he is at the age where he is happiest in my arms, that he is learning all about giving kisses, and beginning the basic communication that lets me know what he wants. Oh I could write an essay about all the little things Christopher does right now! All the things I love about him, all the things I notice from time to time and as a matter of course! But where to start!

Communication wise, he says "dada" a lot, so much so I don't think it holds a LOT of meaning... But he definitely seems to say "mama" when he's aggitated and wants me, and hardly ever otherwise! He has made up his own sign for "I want that"!! He holds his hand up towards what he wants and makes a grabbing/beckoning motion with his fist!

He LOVES songs, and singing! His favourite song is by far Twinkle twinkle little star, and he opens and closes his hand in the air to signal that he wants us to sing it! And when we do he grins so much, and starts "singing" along with us, which consists of "dadadadadada!" in a sweet singsong voice! I would sing all day to him if I could, but Robert quite often starts shouting "HE'S BETTER! HE'S OK! STOP SINGING MUMMY!!!" as we ask him sometimes to sing to Christopher to cheer him up haha.

What else? Well he's just moved into size 9-12 month clothing (at 13 months!!), so he's quite diddy still! But that just endears him to me all the more! I could just hold him all day and kiss his soft cheeks! And tickle him to hear his sweet chuckle! And ohhhh his dimples!!! He has the cutest little dimples ever!!







Oooh what else... He is walking so well now!! He hardly ever crawls anywhere now, and is so confident in just standing himself up and toddling off. He gets sturdier and steadier all the time, and is SO FAST now too! I swear he was RUNNING away from Robert earlier today! He climbs too... ohhhh he climbs! The stairs are oh so easy for him now, we have to keep the stairgate closed or he'll be up them in no time! Like this evening, I was in the kitchen checking something, and came back in the living room, saw Robert, could NOT see Christopher... started to panic until I saw the stair gate open, and went upstairs, sure enough, there he was, at the top, grinning down at me! But now also he does not think anything of climbing onto the toy box to climb onto the sofa... or onto Robert's chair to climb onto the table! I stop him from climbing on Robert's chair and table!! He's getting so adept at getting down off things now too!

Sleepwise, we have started to nightwean him. Robert was nightweaned at 8-9 months old, and just over a week ago we decided to do the same finally with Christopher. When he woke up not even 3 hours after he'd gone to bed, we just cuddled him, attempted to put him down in his cot and pat him to sleep. When he started writhing about, trying to sit up, we would go and lay back in bed, leaving him in the cot. We left the light on so he could still see us, so he knew we were there, and left him for 5 minutes. Then we got up and repeated the process, the next time left him for 6 minutes. And so on. I think we got to 9 minutes, before Jonathan finally managed to settle him to silence in his cot. He got back into bed, which creaked horribly, and started Christopher off again, so I leapt out of bed to pat him back to sleep, which he did, and I crept into my slightly less creaky side of the bed. Turned off the light, which disturbed him and he moaned for about a minute, but then went to sleep, and didn't wake til 6! Granted he was awake screaming from 10.40pm til 12.10am, but 6 hours was fabulous! The next night we were expecting to have to do the same again, but he slept all the way from 7.45 until 6am!! And the next night he woke at 5am, which I think is the earliest I wanted to give him milk, and he went to sleep again. Next morning was 4am-ish, but Jonathan cuddled and patted him to sleep again. But sooo much better than 11ish, then 2ish, then 4ish, then 6ish... :) It won't be long before we can put him in Robert's room! But how I think I'll miss him! And worry about him probably too!

I just love him sooo much! And every day I love him a little bit more! I simply can't imagine not being able to love subsequent babies with all my heart! The thought that I wouldn't love them as much as the ones I already have is sooo alien to me! And I just can't wait to have more squishy babies who I will love to pieces! I just adore holding my littlest man and having precious cuddles... I know before long they will be few and far between...

Monday 17 October 2011

Christopher's 1st Birthday!

Well this is laaaaate! (3 weeks or so late!) But firstly I want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post, it means SO much that each of you took the time to respond, here or elsewhere, and made me feel a little more normal, a little less horrid-mum-ish, and for helping me think of solutions and ways to control my temper. Since the last post I have been much more restrained!!

Anyway! Christopher's 1st birthday party. We decided to have a party at Jonathan's parents house again like we did for Robert's 1st birthday (aren't they great?!! They cleaned and everything!!) And this time set out a buffet requiring much less preparation. No sandwiches, or cocktail stick foods, more DIY stuff like plates of ham, plates of cheese, bowl of salad, platter of bread, etc.

I digress! We got up early (as is the norm in this household!), and after the birthday boy and his brother had some milk (Can't believe I've been tandem feeding for over ONE YEAR now!!), we went downstairs, and got Christopher's presents out! The presents from us were a modest amount, Robert chose a happy days (I think that's what it's called??!) school toy to give Christopher, and we got him a walk-along lion clacker toy, a wooden clown ring stacker (a firm favourite already!!!) and a lovely little soft doll which has since been called Lewis.



The birthday boy enjoyed opening them, although he got a lot of help from his big brother and did surprisingly seem keener on the toys than the paper - I was expecting him to be focused on the paper!!

















Robert was very keen to help open the presents, and also to help play with them! We did have to impose a rule that Christopher got to play with a toy first and then Robert could play with them afterwards. I did feel quite bad for him as the day wore on!

I had made Christopher's cake the day before. Unfortunately, the travel over and the many MANY times I had to roll out the icing before it would stop sticking to the work surface, or looking too white from the excess icing sugar, helped make a long crack in the icing, and the icing did seem to settle somewhat, and pool down by the bottom of the cake by the time it was ready to serve!





But I was impressed for my first attempt at a shaped birthday cake!! And it was delicious - I made a special effort to find a vegan cake recipe for family members, and having had it, it is now my FAVOURITE sponge recipe!! I've made it several times since, and it is especially delicious made into cupcakes with buttercream frosting on. Yum! The cake went down very well with the family and friends who made it over :)





Christopher got such a lot of presents, he was a very lucky boy! And Robert has enjoyed playing with them too, although now they are getting a bit bored with them, so might have to put the majority of them away and swap them out for some of Robert's cars again haha!

He got a peg puzzle, clothes, art things (which Robert has used, Christopher hasn't yet.. I'm not brave enough!!), a ride on toy, a wooden noah's ark (another favourite!!), books, a few nice chunky car/truck toys, a dog puppet, and other bits and pieces, as well as what we got him.







By the end of the day, we were exhausted! Then we had to help tidy up the house, pack up the leftover food (we ate leftover party food for about 3 days afterwards!!!), get the kids bathed and dressed for bed, and then leave as it was already past the boys' bedtime! He had such a good day though, with plenty of kids to play with, and plenty of adults too! But at the same time, it's made me realise why we didn't do a 2nd birthday party for Robert, and why he won't be getting an official 3rd birthday party as well! Sooo stressful but it was lovely to see everyone!

Tuesday 11 October 2011

Birth trauma and continued bonding.

Robert's 3rd birthday is fast approaching (and I still haven't written about Christopher's 1st birthday yet!). I can't help but wonder sometimes if the trauma of Robert's birth has affected our relationship more profoundly than I could ever have imagined. The numbness I felt towards him in the first few hours and days of his existence out of the womb, followed by the frustrations of early motherhood and dealing with what I believe now to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

While I began feeling better before his first birthday, I still see the remnants of my fear and frustrations in my day to day interactions with him. I feel so guilty even thinking about it, let alone admitting it publicly, but I have got to the stage where I can't deal with these thoughts in my head alone. I need to write them down, to see my thoughts in black and white and hopefully make some sense of them. I don't know if it is because he is of the age where he knows what he wants, but lacks the language and social interaction skills to make these wants known in appropriate ways, and that I am just not very effective yet at mothering this part of childhood, or whether I am still struggling to bond with Robert appropriately. I smack Robert occasionally.. And not particularly gently. It isn't a disciplinary smack so much as a losing control smack. I so so so do not want to be a smacking parent! It fills me with sadness when I see Robert run away in fear when I stand up to go to him when he has done something I do not like, even if I am not advancing in anger. He has borne the brunt of my frustrations all his life. From when he was a baby and I was suffering psychologically from his birth and I would throw him onto the bed in frustration... How can I expect him not to hit people or push them when I do it to him?

I haven't lifted a finger to Christopher though, not once. I do try and reprimand him for things he shouldn't do, yet all the same I do not treat the boys equally, and Robert is beginning to see that I think. I try, really try not to lose my temper with Robert, and I really don't want to make excuses for my behaviour. I want to try and see what I can do, is there anything I can do to break this association of parenting Robert with violence, and become the gentle loving parent I am half to most of the time- all of the time? Because half or most of the time will not cut it, if I parent with violence even some of the time, that is what he will remember, that is what he will take into adulthood and give to his children, my grandchildren.

What is the first step? How do I begin to change something when I do not even know why I do it?

Monday 3 October 2011

Friendships

My neighbour and I have made up again. I was so so angry at what she said that I was determined not to budge, I think in a way I had convinced myself that she hated me, (indeed, it did SEEM to me that she hated me) so that I also hated her, didn't need her friendship. The truth is, that while some of our parenting methods are sooo different, our souls seem to be connected. We just "get" each other, and she's the only friend I've ever really had like it.

She texted me on Christopher's birthday, and before long we were texting just like we used to, which unnerved me a bit, so we met up at the park and had a good long chat. I came home after and cried and cried on and off most of the afternoon for being so stupid and stubborn the last 7 months, for missing out on our friendship all that time, for all the mean thoughts I directed her way. The things I thought in order to make myself feel better for not having her in my life. All the ANGER I directed at her almost every day in my thoughts just so I could survive another day without her friendship. I went to the playgroups, smiled, tried being friendly in the hopes of making other friends. A replacement Sarah, but none got even close. When we met up and she told me how much she missed me, and I mentioned how I saw her walking up the road with people, chatting and smiling away, she said "yeah, but they're not you."

That was the moment I forgave her, felt part of her pain, and realised how much we both need our friendship, and that that's the reason making up was so important, and how we were just meant to be friends. That evening, I read on someone's status about "fake friends and real friends" Fake Friends - never ask for food. -Real Friends - Are the reasons you have no food. - Fake Friends - Never seen you cry. - Real Friends - Cry with you. - Fake Friends - Know a few things about you. - Real Friends - Could write a book about you. - Fake Friends - Would knock on your front door. - Real Friends - Walk right in and shout "I'M HOME!" - Fake Friends - Will help you up when you fall over. - Real Friends - Will jump on top of you and shout "SANDWICH!" - Fake Friends - Are for a while. - Real Friends - Are for life. and I cried while reading that. Because that's what we have in a friendship.

I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful mutual friendship with her, and that she made the first move to get it back again.