Daniel is here!

Well, here comes Daniel's birth story. Yes I know as I start this, he isn't even 24 hours old. But this story is amazing and I don't want to forget any details!

First off, the general details.

Induction started at 8am by breaking waters.
Born at 11.59am in the birth pool.
Weight: 9lb 9oz

What is amazing about this birth story is that at one point, there was a very real possibility that I might have had an emergency (under GA) cesarean. But that the issue was resolved, and I went on to have a water birth.

I got checked in to a standard room, and after a while, the midwife came back in having looked at my birth plan and asked if I would be interested in using the birth pool. I said that possibly for the first stage, probably not to birth in though. Anyway she showed us through to what was called the "Serenity Suite". It was lovely, twice the size with a birth pool down one end, shower and toilet in the room, music players, mood lighting. I instantly felt wonderful and positive about the experience. We settled in and then we were told that a consultant would break my waters for me. When my waters were broken, the doctor who did it was concerned because Daniel's hand was up by his head, and the head wasn't very engaged, meaning that his hand could creep up and end up in a superman pose. (Which apparently would indicate the need for a cesarean.)

After a while, a different consultant came in with 3 other people (seemingly just observing our conversation) to say they wanted to put me on the hormonal drip to induce contractions to encourage the head to engage and hope it pushed the hand back down. After a short discussion with both the consultant and then Jonathan alone, we decided to risk a c section due to the hand rather than risking a c section due to fetal distress of complications from the drip. We chose to try and engage the head by mobility for half an hour to an hour or so, and then be re-examined to check for the presence of the hand and how engaged the head was.

On re-examination around 9.30-10am, the midwife suddenly became very worried, and said "there's cord there. Jonathan, pull the emergency button". Seconds later, over 6 people (Jonathan reckoned 10+) came rushing in. Tracey, the midwife, told them there was prolapsed cord, and immediately my bed head was lowered, more hands appeared around me "down there". I had a catheter in, a cannula in my arm, I think they used the instrument to open up my vagina so they could see what was going on. They filled my bladder up, took blood, and shifted me onto my left hand side. There was just a flurry of "stuff" happening around me and to me. It was a blur, and all I could think of was "what on earth is happening?" And "oh no, I'm going to go have a c section under general anaesthetic. Prolapsed cord is BAD." And I was thinking about how on earth Jonathan must be feeling too, I kept seeing midwives or doctors faces coming close and offering me reassuring words, or asking me to do something, but didn't see Jonathan. After a while, I heard the magical words "the cord's slipped back down and so has the hand".

Then the consultant who had wanted me to go on the drip earlier put her head close and told me to push hard on the next contraction. I couldn't feel any contractions, but they could tell by the monitor so they told me and I did. I wondered at first if they wanted me to give birth then and there, but then I realised that they just wanted me to get the head engaged to stop anything else coming down past the head again.

The head did come down and engage, and amazingly, thankfully, the consultant then said that with the head deep in the pelvis, there was no room for anything to come back down past the head again, and I was back on for my natural birth!

I stayed on the monitors that were wired in to the machine for another hour. I was quite happy to sit there, I felt a bit like I had been run over by a steam train, and welcomed the excuse to sit, relax, and just stay still. After the hour was up I got up again, and strapped instead to a wireless monitor and was told I'd be able to go in the pool with it, and walk around as I wanted. Since the head was engaged my contractions came on quite strong fairly quickly. Jonathan started to time them on my phone, he started timing them at 10.49am. Between then and 11.34am I'd had 18 contractions. They were coming between every 1.5 and 3 minutes, not regular but very frequent, and progressively stronger. I'd been told I was around 6cm when the cord and fingers had disappeared. I soon had to stop and lean on something, and sway and moan through the contractions. After about 6 or more of these swaying contractions, Tracey asked if I'd like to get in the pool now, and I said yes I would. I didn't think I was very close to birth, but the strength of the contractions meant that I thought it would be nice at that stage. In fact the last contraction before she asked me, I thought I felt the beginning stages of needing to bear down, but I dismissed it, thinking it was way too soon! I then went to the toilet again, did a wee and a poo, but then noticed after the poo that I was definitely starting to bear down, which I told Jonathan about. I got in the pool, and had a few more contractions fairly quickly, bearing down and groaning with them. Tracey went and got long gloves ready, It seemed to go so quickly, although the first few didn't seem to do much in the way I couldn't feel his head descending. But shortly after, I could feel the head coming down. And BOY it felt HUGE! It was so hard, much harder than Christopher's. I could feel it coming down more each time, but it felt almost unbearable with it taking several contractions. I didn't get a break at all with the crowning, it just kept coming, and I couldn't not bear down and keep going. Most of his head came out, I felt like I had to push loads of times to get what was left out - the chin? Then came a short sense of relief, before then the body was coming out. It didn't slip out easily, it felt like it took 5 or 6 pushes to get it fully out. Each time I thought "will it be over with this one? This one?" The relief I felt when the feet came out was just a-maz-ing. I turned over in the pool, lifting my leg up over the top of him, and held the little mischief maker who'd caused so much trouble! Jonathan was crying, telling me how proud he was of me. Sitting there, in the pool, holding my baby who less than 2 hours earlier I thought would be cut out of me while I was knocked out, I was absolutely elated. I did it, it was difficult, but I did it! After a while she cut the cord (she cut it before I would have liked but she had left it a while so better than immediately), and then I went back to the bed to deliver the placenta while I fed Christopher. I cannot remember if I carried him over there or not! While Daniel nursed, I delivered the placenta. It was awful having these contractions while I was snuggling my baby boy, but I immediately knew it was coming when it was, and the relief when it was out, and I knew that was IT. It was over. Completely done and finished. My baby boy was here and safe. He still had some vernix on him, wasn't at all wrinkly, so he wasn't "overcooked" at all. I had a second degree tear again (3rd time), but chose not to have it stitched. The midwife was happy with that, she said it should heal by itself ok.

So there you have it. The very dramatic arrival of Daniel, at 40+15. :)

42 weeks 1 day

So yesterday I went in to be induced. We got there around 9am, and by 10am we had been seen, and I had had a CTG trace. She examined me and I was 3-4cm, my cervix was soft and central, but 2cm thick. And she could feel my waters. So she said that we could head straight to delivery once there was room.

How exciting! We could have a baby by lunchtime, and maybe go home by evening! But nope, we waited... And waited.. I walked, bounced, napped. Then it was 8pm and we still had no news on when we would go down. Finally we were told that we wouldn't be sent down til morning. I was extremely annoyed. And promptly said I was going home then.

They told us that today at 7am we could go straight to delivery. My excitement and anticipation has long since evaporated. It has been replaced by worry and annoyance. If I hadn't had all this pressure on me from day one (well, just before 41 weeks) to give birth imminently, I probably would have had this baby already! This entire last stage of pregnancy has been fraught with anxiety and pressure.

And once more I am scared of everything that could happen. After yet another disappointing day, I just can't imagine this birth going well.

So I'm lying in bed, my own bed at home. And have been thinking and wondering if I'll ever meet my baby, and how all the stress I have gone through these last few weeks would have affected him. Please keep us all in your thoughts today. Please pray that we have a quick and easy birth. X

41weeks 6 days

Following a very very promising night last night, where I had "proper" labour contractions regularly from midnight and throughout the next few hours when I woke, I was SURE I would have a baby in my arms by now. But they disappeared, and I was left disappointed, stressed, and either in tears or on the verge of tears for most of the day.

I have been feeling conflicted the entire day about my induction appointment tomorrow. What is best for us. My feelings of confidence about the birth, my fears, my hopes. I could write it all down here but it would take ages, it's been hashed over so much I feel like my head would explode.

We went over to the inlaws for lunch, and Jonathan called my mum as well to come up for emotional support. After lunch we went out to a fabulous garden centre and mooched to distract myself from my emotions. Then went back to the inlaws and stayed until 6ish when we came back home with my mum staying here overnight.

We (the three of us) had a long discussion once the boys were in bed. My mum didn't give her actual opinion on whether she thought we should go in for induction. But helped bring up matters to discuss. And I'm gutted to have had to make the decision, because I KNOW my body can do it, but the pressure from medical staff is just too much for me to bear thinking about. I've decided to keep the appointment. I've absolutely despised to have to make that decision. I'm gutted beyond words that I haven't gone into labour before the 14 days. And I'm not bearing to hope I might go into labour overnight because I've been disappointed so often and left with dashed hopes.

I'm terrified of going in with Christopher's birth as a likely scenario as to what will happen because his went so well I feel like I'd be setting myself up for more failure. Between now and 9am I'm going to try and prepare myself for the worst. I hate hate HATE that it has come to this.

But maybe it will be alright. And maybe, just maybe, I will be holding my baby boy 24 hours from now.

41 weeks 5 days

Another day gone, another day pregnant. I'm not so much emotional and grumpy about that fact, the physical oomph of having to carry around the extra weight etc, as much as I am getting closer and closer to my induction date. And still no regulating contractions or sign of labour. My mucus plug has stopped coming away, which I'm not sure whether that is good or bad. I do keep feeling twinges low down that feel "watery". I don't really know how to explain it, I can't really tell if it's my bladder or maybe my waters pressing against the cervix or something.. I don't feel an overwhelmed need to pee which is why I am confused. But either way, labour just isn't kicking off. And I'm feeling more and more dejected about it. Because I have just one more full day in which to give birth before the induction appointment. And I know that home birth will be a fight now I'm past 10 days, but I know that declining induction and requesting a midwife to come out to me at home when I am officially overdue (14 days+) the will be horrendous.

I feel upset that my peaceful home birth will likely be tainted by having to persuade the midwife to come out to me beyond their static "10 days post date" figure, and their possible reluctance to be there at all. But right now, labour vibes and more labour vibes are needed, I really want to avoid making the decision about whether or not to keep my induction appointment...

41 weeks 4 days

Well it's all fizzled out again. 3 days until my induction appointment. (Which I am unsure whether I will still go to or not). Right now I am taking one day at a time. My home birth dates ranged from 10th April til 12th May. And being the 13th May I will most likely have an argument on my hands now whenever baby decides to arrive (if he ever does).

Right now, I am still confident that a home birth is right for me, despite being over that threshold. But I am taking it one day at a time, and if I suddenly feel that hospital would be the right place, then I will go there.

I am getting tired. Robert had his nursery trip today, so while he was there, Jonathan (who has taken his 2 weeks off from today because I am not coping well emotionally or physically with the demands of this very late stage of pregnancy) and I took Christopher to a country park. After a short play in the playground, we went for a walk. It wasn't a long one but I ached, with every single step I took. My back, my hips, my legs, my feet. I was plodding along with a heavy body, and a heavy heart, and did not enjoy the walk at all. We have been on walks every weekend day for the last few weeks, and I have enjoyed them. But not today's.

I did not sleep well last night. A combination between the now consistent pain on rolling over in bed, and indistinguishable worries running around in my head. I have given up hope now that he will be born soon. Yet another false start and I feel broken, I don't trust myself to read my body's signals. I don't want to get my hopes up again. My heart aches whenever I see the new baby clothes I've bought for him. The empty cot, the car seat in the corner of the room. The newborn in the pram on the nursery run (who is almost 6 weeks old and was due only 2.5 weeks before my bump). The photos on my newsfeed on Facebook showing newborns.

People say "just think about when he's here and all the lovely newborn snuggles you will have". But it feels like I won't ever be there. That he will never be here. That I will never get those newborn snuggles. Which is irrational I know because he can't stay in forever. But I cannot visualise him actually being here, as every time I do, it ends in disappointment. And other people saying (which I am now interpreting as a "shut up your moaning now woman") "think of all the women who never get to where you are, who have premature babies and feel like their bodies have failed by not cooking long enough".

I realise I'm not the first (and won't be the last) woman to go so past dates (hey, I was 12 days late, as my mum likes to remind me). So on that note I'll sign off, and this will be my last moan. Because I won't believe he's actually coming now until I'm actually pushing him out.

41 weeks 2 days.

I cannot actually believe I'm still pregnant. I am 9 whole days more pregnant than I have ever been before. And THREE WEEKS more pregnant than I was with Christopher. And it is HARD. I can't believe how hard it is. I feel like I'm constantly moaning both to Jonathan and on Facebook. I have one more day before home birth becomes an argument. I have 5 more days before my induction appointment comes around. I feel like my body is doing NOTHING and that the clock is ticking and there is nothing I can do but wait and hope this baby decides to come soon. I feel like everything is on hold until he arrives, I can't motivate myself to do anything that needs to be done. Which leads me to thinking all day about his arrival, when it will happen, how it will happen.

And I'm getting scared. Scared of confrontation about staying at home. Scared of induction. Scared of declining induction. Scared of interventions upon interventions. Scared of stillbirth.

I feel powerless, and scared, and more than anything I just want to meet my baby now. To hold him in my arms and know that he's ok. Why won't my labour start?

Thoughts about the birth - mind over matter? 13 weeks

Well, today marks 13 weeks pregnant, which, by any pregnancy calendar, marks my transition into the second trimester.

I can't remember what I was reading, I think it might have been this birth story on Mama Birth. Anyway, after I finished reading it, I had what I would describe as an epiphany. One of those moments where things become clearer and you just KNOW what to do.

I have wanted - to some degree - a home birth with this baby. Part of me thinking so I could "do it right". My first (home)birth did not go to plan. My second birth went beautifully, but was an induced hospital birth. I was thinking "I'd love to try it again, to give birth and do it right. To get the birth I wanted with my first baby.". There were many "if"s though. My diagnosis last pregnancy of gestational diabetes. If I get diagnosed again, what is going to happen to these plans of a home birth? Will I want to risk a home birth? Will I accept an early induction again? Would I do anything differently? Even though I have lost weight, I do think that I will be diagnosed again. And mentally preparing myself for what I will do given the diagnosis. I am being tested for gestational diabetes in 3 weeks time, when I will be 16 weeks. I will have 12 additional weeks to make sure I am controlling it well after being diagnosed, than I had last time.

Now, I know this woman didn't have gestational diabetes, the one in the birth story, but it did just make me think, that this IS the right thing. That I trust my body to provide a safe environment for my baby, and that I will make damned well sure I do what I can to make that a reality, meaning I will control this diabetes, I will make damn sure I am as low risk as I possibly can be despite diabetes. I will trust my body to nourish my baby the perfect amount, to continue to grow my baby well, and to birth my baby when s/he is ready to be born. That if I go overdue, and they are getting anxious, I will go in for monitoring. I will seek out support with people who have been through the same situation. I will TRUST myself, and my baby. And I will lean on my caregivers for help should I need it. I will not be scaremongered. I will research my options and ask for information. If I ask them to elaborate on a risk they perceive me to be subject to, and they are vague or try and fob me off with a non-answer, I will question, and question again. I will ask what the risks are with what they PROPOSE (they will of course freely provide me with the risks of what they DON'T want me to do). I will trust my body and my baby to work together perfectly when the time comes of the baby's own choosing. I will do it.

38 weeks pregnant - niggles and belly pic

Well 38 weeks pregnant today, 2 days until D-Day. The last two evenings I've had niggles which feel promising but I've been trying not to get too excited. The best I am hoping for at the moment is that these niggles mean things are getting things ready, and that it means that when I am induced on Saturday things will be fairly speedy... I have been getting some looser BM (and some normal ones too), been getting some achiness in my lower back, off to one side mainly but sometimes all the way across (which I never had with R), and also some mild achiness/pain in my lower bump, and also some much stronger braxton hicks than I have been having all the way through my pregnancy, ones which are also lasting longer than normal. It's strange how little I remember from my pregnancy with Robert. But reading back on his last few days in the womb, I am now pretty certain that even if things are on their way they probably won't have time now to kickstart themselves now before the induction. I do hope though that things get going quickly and without needing the drip. Fingers crossed anyway!!

I took a belly picture today, to complete this pregnancy's gallery. I noticed before I took them that I by complete co-incidence had exactly the same top and trousers on that I had for my 36 week belly picture! So had to change the top ;)



Tomorrow is my last full definite day as a Mum of 1. There is a bit still to be done, but not a lot is actually URGENT. So hopefully... we'll be ok :)

36 weeks 5 days - the countdown

Well, now induction has been organised, we're now in the final countdown. 11 days to go! I am nervous, but I'm going to go in with a positive attitude and take things as it comes.

And to be honest, I am getting a little relieved that I do have an end in sight, that I'm going to have the baby early, as the late pregnancy niggles are now starting to come in with some force, particularly the pelvic pain. I am glad it's come later than Robert (I think at least), but I am glad that I don't have many more days (well, nights) to endure. Today was quite bad for the pain during the day as well, gone are the sitting on the floor days, getting up from the floor, or from a laying down position are bad now. Heartburn I get occasionally but is infinitely better than with R.. as such I will not be surprised to see that Squidge is bald! Swelling is minimal at the moment, thank goodness, after enduring 2 months of bad swelling with Robert, less than 11 days with this one seems like a walk in the park!

Something I was a little annoyed about is that my midwife is refusing to do a sweep on me at all.. this week fair enough I'm not 37 weeks yet. But she's not even going to do one on Monday either when I'll be 37+4. The reason being because my consultant has not expressly said give me a sweep. So the chances of me going into natural labour are soley based on Squidge now, and hopefully Squidge is just as keen to get here before induction as I am.

But either way I am eagerly packing my hospital bag, and looking forward to meeting my little Squidge, and on the next chapter. Whatever may happen at the birth, having been through one traumatic birth already I am probably a little better prepared incase things don't go to plan, especially on what to do afterwards regarding my mental welfare. But fingers crossed that the birth goes wonderfully, and that it is a healing process for me in dealing with Robert's birth as well.

35 weeks 5 days - another hormonal blip

Friday's entry was written amidst my third hormonal blip. I hate them! I hate the fact that I cannot stop crying, and that my head is clouded by emotion and that the next morning, my head clears and I can see and feel things more clearly. I hate that during that day I feel like I don't want my baby or that I won't be able to cope with my baby. I hate the feeling that I am about to sink into days or weeks or months of feeling like that all day every day. I actually get scared because I recognise it all too well from when I was depressed as a teen (6 long months of feeling that way almost every day), and from my PND with Robert. I never had such bad hormonal days with Robert, and it scares me that they keep coming, and I just hope that I'm not having a blip on the day Squidge is being born, as I will need a calm head to relax and know what I'm doing.

I saw my midwife yesterday, and told her about my feelings towards induction, and I told her it was incredibly important to me that I have a positive birth experience this time, which she understood, but she didn't really provide any advice or compromises to help me see through the decision - maybe she feels that it would be unprofessional to do so, and not back the NHS guidelines? Or maybe she thinks it's a decision I have to make.

I must admit though, when my head is clear, I feel more positive about induction than when I'm having a blip. I still don't know if I will have one... but when my head is clear I know that I will cope, and I know there are things I can do to make it easier on myself. Mainly that being to prepare myself mentally for all eventualities, and to get myself thinking about what I would want to happen should my ideals not happen. I think doing that would give me some "control" back which so many women want and need during labour. But of course my hope is that Squidge will decide that s/he wants to make it into the world early by his/her own choice! ;)

I have a busy day coming up on Thursday. I am having my growth scan, followed by a followup appointment in fetal health to analyse the scan, and to assess my cervix and possibly book an induction date. And then after that I'll head into pathology and get them to take my 34 week blood tests (2 weeks late). I've had 3 extra blood tests this pregnancy. Getting quite used to having things stuck in my arms now. Plus all the blood with these prick tests 3 times daily.

One thing I really need to get cracking on is my hospital bag, and Robert's overnight bag. Reading up on induction, he may well need several days worth of clothes in there. I would imagine what would happen is that Robert spend a few days with the in-laws, Jonathan would probably want to be with me during the days, but in the nights unless it is seen that I will be giving birth imminently, Jonathan will probably sleep at his parents so he can spend time with Robert in the morning at least. I don't know what the policy is on children coming in during the induction process, I will have to ask that next Monday at my next midwife appointment, as by then I think I will probably have had to make up my mind either way. But if it is long and drawn out, with me being in hospital for several days BEFORE the birth... I do worry about how Robert will be not seeing me for that long. And how I'll be not seeing HIM for that long! I missed him like crazy when the other week I felt too poorly to look after him alone so the in-laws took him for the day. That was from 11am til 6pm-ish.. so it wasn't even 12 hours. If I'm away from him for 2 or 3 whole days I don't know how I would cope! So worth asking about!

Thanks for reading, and thanks Jemma, Meg and Becca for your comments on the last entry, it meant a lot reading them xxx

35 weeks 1 day - nothing is clearer

I feel on the verge of tears today, and have been all morning. In fact I have already shed some tears. I feel no closer to understanding anything, to making a decision, to even managing to make any sense of my feelings and how that equates to anything with regards to Squidge's possible induction.

I am so scared of the possibility that this labour and birth will not go well due to induction procedures. I feel like it is INCREDIBLY important to me that my birth experience goes well, for my emotional wellbeing. I keep thinking back to Robert's birth, and the numbness I felt towards him in the days after his birth. I tried to feel the love I was supposed to feel towards him, and I managed to convince myself I did. I keep thinking back to the ambulance trip, and the midwife telling me that it was ok to cry. But I was so numb that no tears came, no tears were able to come for several hours. And then the tears that came, I don't know what tears they were, were they tears for my son being ill? Or tears for the fact that I hadn't bonded with him? Or tears of emotional and physical exhaustion?

I don't want to go through that again. My ideals of birth I think have loosened a little since Robert was born. My ideals now are that the baby is born pink and healthy, that we can get immediate cuddles, immediate feeding. My fear with induction is that if things don't go to plan, we might end up being rushed into theatre, have an emergency c-section, and then if that happens I won't get my immediate cuddles, in an emergency section baby will most likely be whisked off as soon as he is born to check he is ok at best, and be submitted to SCBU again at worst. (well, thats not the worse outcome, but I'm refusing to think of the worst outcome here)

One thing I will do is speak to the midwife about my concerns and fears, maybe she will be able to say something to put my mind at ease or to help me in some other way.

With all this stress and worry I am so scared that even with a natural birth I won't cope very well. The idea of my baby's birth is just so upsetting to me right now, I don't know if I even want the day to come at all. Maybe an elective c section is the way to go this time round if they'll let me, I don't know :( I'm crying as I write this, I just don't know what to do or think anymore. :(

34 weeks 6 days - induction thoughts

Click back if you missed my post yesterday about Robert, or maybe click back after reading this one as it'll be something positive to end on...

Before I talk about my consultant appointment this afternoon, I wanted to write down (for remembering sake) about the dream I had last night, or should I say nightmare... I never had a dream like this with Robert, which were all about the birth, or scans, or (ahem) kinky ones... but this one I had last night was horrendous. I woke up basically on the verge of tears after I dreamed very vividly a tiger chasing and then catching, and.. well, to put it less graphically than I saw it in my dream.. eating Robert. I felt such an intense feeling of anguish and helplessness in the dream the second before I woke up, that it was all I could do not to rush into Robert's room, scoop him up out of his cot, and hold onto him for dear life. When I told Jonathan I dreamt that a tiger ate Robert, I don't think he realised just how vivid the dream was for me as he made a joke about it, when actually I was pretty distressed about it. I've heard people saying how vivid dreams can be during pregnancy but I've never experienced anything quite like that before :( I really hope that's the only vivid nightmare I have to endure...

Anyway.. consultant appointment. BP and wee fine. Baby's 4/5 palpable (or at least that's what I think the notes say, the consultant's handwriting is very difficult to read), and did a lovely few wriggles during heartbeat monitoring.

Then came the rest of it. She said to me about induction, I reiterated that if I was favourable when checked I'd agree to induction at 38 weeks. Then she answered some questions, which has left me extremely nervous (at best) about the induction. I think a closer description would be terrified.

If I'm not favourable next week (at either 35+6 or 36 weeks) then I will be left til 39+6 weeks. If I've not already had the baby by then I will most likely be booked in for an induction for the next few days then, although goodness knows if I will be able to fight it, or if I will even want to, or whether I feel like I will have to.

I do kind of feel like I am in a state of limbo at the moment, not given all the facts, or given all of one side and not of the other.. I feel a little pulled in both directions right now. The first is my overwhelming thought that I do NOT want to be induced... the second that if I am not induced I will be increasing the risk to the baby's welfare. I am absolutely terrified of another bad birth experience, I really am. Obviously I want a baby that is alive and well, but if I can possibly have a good birth experience and a baby that is alive and well, I want that (of course). But at the moment I just don't know what way to turn. I am hoping beyond hope that Squidge will take all decision making out of my hands and make his way into the world by himself early. :( I hope things will become clearer to me over the next few days, as I kind of have to make a decision by this time next week, before they possibly book an induction for me.

The only silver lining is that due to my blood test to show my sugar levels over the last month coming back at 5.4% (target 6 or under), they are happy for me to self-test and administer during labour unless my levels go over 8.0mmol.