Click back if you missed my post yesterday about Robert, or maybe click back after reading this one as it'll be something positive to end on...
Before I talk about my consultant appointment this afternoon, I wanted to write down (for remembering sake) about the dream I had last night, or should I say nightmare... I never had a dream like this with Robert, which were all about the birth, or scans, or (ahem) kinky ones... but this one I had last night was horrendous. I woke up basically on the verge of tears after I dreamed very vividly a tiger chasing and then catching, and.. well, to put it less graphically than I saw it in my dream.. eating Robert. I felt such an intense feeling of anguish and helplessness in the dream the second before I woke up, that it was all I could do not to rush into Robert's room, scoop him up out of his cot, and hold onto him for dear life. When I told Jonathan I dreamt that a tiger ate Robert, I don't think he realised just how vivid the dream was for me as he made a joke about it, when actually I was pretty distressed about it. I've heard people saying how vivid dreams can be during pregnancy but I've never experienced anything quite like that before :( I really hope that's the only vivid nightmare I have to endure...
Anyway.. consultant appointment. BP and wee fine. Baby's 4/5 palpable (or at least that's what I think the notes say, the consultant's handwriting is very difficult to read), and did a lovely few wriggles during heartbeat monitoring.
Then came the rest of it. She said to me about induction, I reiterated that if I was favourable when checked I'd agree to induction at 38 weeks. Then she answered some questions, which has left me extremely nervous (at best) about the induction. I think a closer description would be terrified.
If I'm not favourable next week (at either 35+6 or 36 weeks) then I will be left til 39+6 weeks. If I've not already had the baby by then I will most likely be booked in for an induction for the next few days then, although goodness knows if I will be able to fight it, or if I will even want to, or whether I feel like I will have to.
I do kind of feel like I am in a state of limbo at the moment, not given all the facts, or given all of one side and not of the other.. I feel a little pulled in both directions right now. The first is my overwhelming thought that I do NOT want to be induced... the second that if I am not induced I will be increasing the risk to the baby's welfare. I am absolutely terrified of another bad birth experience, I really am. Obviously I want a baby that is alive and well, but if I can possibly have a good birth experience and a baby that is alive and well, I want that (of course). But at the moment I just don't know what way to turn. I am hoping beyond hope that Squidge will take all decision making out of my hands and make his way into the world by himself early. :( I hope things will become clearer to me over the next few days, as I kind of have to make a decision by this time next week, before they possibly book an induction for me.
The only silver lining is that due to my blood test to show my sugar levels over the last month coming back at 5.4% (target 6 or under), they are happy for me to self-test and administer during labour unless my levels go over 8.0mmol.
Oh I'm so sorry you've had a scary time with the consultant! :( How I wish you had a doula! All the pressure seems to be off with a good doula. Mine fights my corner for me, is well informed, and knows both sides of the "argument" in issues like this. Once she knows my needs, I can let her do the talking for me when it comes to the birth and focus on the rest myself.
ReplyDeleteI also really feel for you with the vivid dream! In my experience during pregnancy, vivid violent or terrifying dreams are a direct link to anything that I'm subconsciously (or not so much!) concerned about at the time. I would definitely be thinking about the possibility of the dream reflecting the fact that until now Robert has been your only baby, and soon he won't be. Subconsciously there is probably some anxiety about that. I believe I had a couple of dreams about Arthur that were horrible when I was pregnant with Matthew, but I don't think I've had any since that pregnancy. I think it's because once I had more than one child I *knew* it was going to be okay for the older ones when I had another, but the first time I didn't *know* that yet for sure.
When I was pregnant with Arthur I had awful violet dreams throughout the pregnancy. Most of them were about my mum being shot or killed in front of me, and me having to run and leave her dying to save myself :( I would wake crying! I am so close to my mum and I guess it was a sort of "moving on" type of anxiety, going from being the child to being the parent, and worrying whether things would change between us in any way, or something? Anyway I would definitely say that's to do with anxiety about Robert and the new baby coming. I know how horrible those dreams are, and I'm sorry you've had one! I hope you don't have any more. I would go and snuggle him if you do! One time I woke Arthur up to breastfeed him when I had a bad dream about him, really just to help me feel better (he didn't mind a bit, lol!).
HUGS!!!