Friday's entry was written amidst my third hormonal blip. I hate them! I hate the fact that I cannot stop crying, and that my head is clouded by emotion and that the next morning, my head clears and I can see and feel things more clearly. I hate that during that day I feel like I don't want my baby or that I won't be able to cope with my baby. I hate the feeling that I am about to sink into days or weeks or months of feeling like that all day every day. I actually get scared because I recognise it all too well from when I was depressed as a teen (6 long months of feeling that way almost every day), and from my PND with Robert. I never had such bad hormonal days with Robert, and it scares me that they keep coming, and I just hope that I'm not having a blip on the day Squidge is being born, as I will need a calm head to relax and know what I'm doing.
I saw my midwife yesterday, and told her about my feelings towards induction, and I told her it was incredibly important to me that I have a positive birth experience this time, which she understood, but she didn't really provide any advice or compromises to help me see through the decision - maybe she feels that it would be unprofessional to do so, and not back the NHS guidelines? Or maybe she thinks it's a decision I have to make.
I must admit though, when my head is clear, I feel more positive about induction than when I'm having a blip. I still don't know if I will have one... but when my head is clear I know that I will cope, and I know there are things I can do to make it easier on myself. Mainly that being to prepare myself mentally for all eventualities, and to get myself thinking about what I would want to happen should my ideals not happen. I think doing that would give me some "control" back which so many women want and need during labour. But of course my hope is that Squidge will decide that s/he wants to make it into the world early by his/her own choice! ;)
I have a busy day coming up on Thursday. I am having my growth scan, followed by a followup appointment in fetal health to analyse the scan, and to assess my cervix and possibly book an induction date. And then after that I'll head into pathology and get them to take my 34 week blood tests (2 weeks late). I've had 3 extra blood tests this pregnancy. Getting quite used to having things stuck in my arms now. Plus all the blood with these prick tests 3 times daily.
One thing I really need to get cracking on is my hospital bag, and Robert's overnight bag. Reading up on induction, he may well need several days worth of clothes in there. I would imagine what would happen is that Robert spend a few days with the in-laws, Jonathan would probably want to be with me during the days, but in the nights unless it is seen that I will be giving birth imminently, Jonathan will probably sleep at his parents so he can spend time with Robert in the morning at least. I don't know what the policy is on children coming in during the induction process, I will have to ask that next Monday at my next midwife appointment, as by then I think I will probably have had to make up my mind either way. But if it is long and drawn out, with me being in hospital for several days BEFORE the birth... I do worry about how Robert will be not seeing me for that long. And how I'll be not seeing HIM for that long! I missed him like crazy when the other week I felt too poorly to look after him alone so the in-laws took him for the day. That was from 11am til 6pm-ish.. so it wasn't even 12 hours. If I'm away from him for 2 or 3 whole days I don't know how I would cope! So worth asking about!
Thanks for reading, and thanks Jemma, Meg and Becca for your comments on the last entry, it meant a lot reading them xxx
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