I feel on the verge of tears today, and have been all morning. In fact I have already shed some tears. I feel no closer to understanding anything, to making a decision, to even managing to make any sense of my feelings and how that equates to anything with regards to Squidge's possible induction.
I am so scared of the possibility that this labour and birth will not go well due to induction procedures. I feel like it is INCREDIBLY important to me that my birth experience goes well, for my emotional wellbeing. I keep thinking back to Robert's birth, and the numbness I felt towards him in the days after his birth. I tried to feel the love I was supposed to feel towards him, and I managed to convince myself I did. I keep thinking back to the ambulance trip, and the midwife telling me that it was ok to cry. But I was so numb that no tears came, no tears were able to come for several hours. And then the tears that came, I don't know what tears they were, were they tears for my son being ill? Or tears for the fact that I hadn't bonded with him? Or tears of emotional and physical exhaustion?
I don't want to go through that again. My ideals of birth I think have loosened a little since Robert was born. My ideals now are that the baby is born pink and healthy, that we can get immediate cuddles, immediate feeding. My fear with induction is that if things don't go to plan, we might end up being rushed into theatre, have an emergency c-section, and then if that happens I won't get my immediate cuddles, in an emergency section baby will most likely be whisked off as soon as he is born to check he is ok at best, and be submitted to SCBU again at worst. (well, thats not the worse outcome, but I'm refusing to think of the worst outcome here)
One thing I will do is speak to the midwife about my concerns and fears, maybe she will be able to say something to put my mind at ease or to help me in some other way.
With all this stress and worry I am so scared that even with a natural birth I won't cope very well. The idea of my baby's birth is just so upsetting to me right now, I don't know if I even want the day to come at all. Maybe an elective c section is the way to go this time round if they'll let me, I don't know :( I'm crying as I write this, I just don't know what to do or think anymore. :(
oh hun. I honestly dont know what to say. You really did have a traumatic time with Robert, Squidges birth can be incredibly different. Doctors make recommendations on what they think will be benificial to you, but it may not be what you agree with. Induction would mean that this baby will not be overdue or possibly as big as Robert was so it may help but you do have to be happy with the decision and clearly you are not.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the very best in your decision and I am sure bonding will not be a problem this time. xx
Oh honey honey honey! Huge huge hugs! I wish I knew what to say or do to help :S
ReplyDeleteI think you definitely need to talk to the midwife again and make it really clear what a big deal this is. Cry and rave at her if you have to, just let her know.
The only other thing i can think is to talk it through with Jonothan and plan. When I was in danger of early labour with DS we talked it through and made a worst case scenario birth plan. The most important thing to me was that the baby had one of us with him at all times, so we put that in the birth plan so if he had to go to SCBU and I couldn't then Stu would be with him at all times.
Hope you get some clarity on this soon honey. Hang on in there xxxxxx
Hugs Nicky, I hope the midwife is helpful. Robert's birth was unusual in it's traumatic-ness, it's very unlikely anything like that will happen again. I think even if you have an emergency CS you should be able to cuddle your baby and feed very soon afterwards. History won't repeat itself xx
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