23 weeks! And oops, long time since update!

All is progressing well with the pregnancy. I had a bad fall at the beginning of October which saw me go to A&E instead of a wedding reception, as I badly hurt my right foot/ankle and had nasty cuts to my left knee and big toe. I was in agony with my foot and could barely walk, but as I'm pregnant they didn't want to X-ray me, especially as my foot didn't hurt in the right places that would indicate a fracture. Luckily it has healed up ok with just a bandage, although the first night I was crying with the pain and I couldn't even walk 2 metres to the toilet! Changing the pressure on the bandage and back to back paracetamol helped, then the next day it was much better.

Baby has been by far the most active little bean I remember having. I had my anomaly scan at almost 21 weeks, and I was curious to find out if the placenta was at the front of my uterus, or, as I suspected, at the back. Sure enough, it was at the back, so I'm feeling every little kick and wriggle!

The sonographer checked everything out, and could see everything present and correct as far as she could tell which was a relief, and as she did the measurements, I stared to see if I could see a telltale sign as to whether Pipkin was a boy or a girl. As she got the thigh measurement, I was pretty sure I could see what gender our sweet baby was... But wanted confirmation, so at the end when she asked if we had any questions, I begged her to find out if we were expecting a boy or a girl. I held my breath the entire time, as she positioned the device to look, and she said to us "well... It looks like you're having a baby girl!" Which was what I thought I had seen earlier but didn't dare to believe until she said it too. As I got down from the table/bench afterwards, having wiped all the jelly off my abdomen, I must have looked like the Cheshire Cat! Yes, I cried a little in the room. A baby girl!!! 2 weeks on now, and another scan later (to confirm the kidneys) at which she also double checked the gender again, and I think I might be starting to actually believe that after 3 lovely cheeky boys, I get to raise a DAUGHTER.

She is such (SUCH) an active baby. I'm feeling at LEAST 6 bouts of strong kicks a day, even though I am sometimes very busy, and she's still so little, only about 1lb in weight (although that seems very big too, as it doesn't seem that long ago she was the size of a poppyseed and weighed less than a gram in weight!). Time seems to be flying so so fast, and the older two boys are absolutely over the moon that they're getting a sister! D, is only 3.5 years old so he's not all that aware of what it means, although he had been maintaining for a while before we found out that "it not a baby boy, it a baby GIRL". Whereas R and C were hugging themselves in anticipation saying "ooooooh I hope it's a girl, I really REALLY hope it's a girl!" So when we brought home a box with multicolour stripes in, hiding a "it's a girl!" balloon, and opened it up to show the boys (and grandma and grandad) what was inside, there was lots of whooping and joyful leaping around! :) and Christopher coming up to me, giving me a hug and saying "I'm so HAPPY it's a girl!" It really really made my heart sing!

Other news, is that we have just bought some triple bunks for the boys, which will be set up tomorrow and they (and I) am very excited to get them up and built :) a nice Saturday morning job. :)

17 weeks, feeling good!

So I met with my new midwife this week. The one who I had throughout the entirety of all my other pregnancies is ill, and won't be returning as the surgery midwife. The new one seems ok. She seems initially friendlier than the old one (who warmed up after a short while in any case). She has seemed to move my due date to match the scan date, which I'm not pleased about, as it gives me 5 fewer days to go into labour naturally before the whole induction stuff comes into play again. Everything seems ok with me and baby. Heartbeat was found eventually, which was a big relief for me, as I haven't felt the baby move all that much. I have a bit, but it's often been with a bit of a question mark. As time goes on it is becoming more obvious, but still very much little pops. It seems crazy that in a few months they will be strong enough to take my breath away!

Emotionally, so far I've been pretty good!! I'm actually surprised, but unlike with particularly babies 2 and 3, where I had feelings of "oh my god what am I doing? Who was I kidding? I can't have another baby, I can't deal with the ones I have!" This time I'm feeling very positive... So far! The boys are still very excited about baby. Robert has said that he hopes it's a girl "so that she can boss my brothers around when she's older"!!! What makes him think she wouldn't boss HIM about too I don't know! 😜 Christopher is hoping it's a girl too. He wants to call her Daisy or Amelia. Neither of which I would put on the short list because the boys have a cousin Amelia and I don't particularly like Daisy. Maisy I like though. But this is all moot because baby will be another boy 😝. We might well find out towards the end of next month. I think I am feeling the most neutral over the gender of this baby than any after the first to be honest. I would be thrilled with a girl, but would be happy with a boy too because I am a boy mum. And I honestly don't see myself with a girl anymore. I thought Daniel was my last for a while, so instead of being a mum of all (three) boys, I'd be a mum of all (four) boys. And that's okay. Would I actually be missing out on all that much?

Thoughts about genders

Well, yesterday my sister-in-law gave birth to a little girl, who she and my brother named Amelia. It's been a day now and I'm feeling a lot more excited and happy about it than I was when I first heard the news. She is the one who had a boy a year before Robert was born, who told me she didn't want kids at all to stop disappointment of people knowing it was taking them a while to conceive etc. I must admit, my first reaction was that of a sinking resentfulness. A stupid one of course, like the first one I felt when she was pregnant with my nephew! That once again they have "beat me" to something new for my parents. They had the first grandchild (and grandson incidentally), and now they have had the first granddaughter, despite me having two children between. Plus the fact that before Robert was "Robert" - while he was Sausage, I wanted a girl. And secretly I think I wanted Christopher to be a girl too.

It's been going round and round my head, wondering if the news that they had had a girl was disappointing to me for that reason also... because I do hope that someday I will have a daughter! And of course, I may not ever have a daughter. It did also get me thinking, also due to reading comments on my brother's photos of Amelia, or status updates, people's opinions, that having "one of each" is the "perfect" family. I hear it everywhere. See it everywhere. I've never heard, or at least not to my recollection, somebody saying "awww another boy, how perfect!" (or girl, of course) when it's a second child. (as opposed to third, where they already have "one of each"). And you see the dolls families with 2 parents, and 2 kids, the kids are always a boy and a girl. And Robert's checkout game, a boy and a girl. Charlie and Lola on TV.

I do love my BOYS so so much, and do NOT love Christopher any less because he's not a girl! (Or Robert for that matter). But I do find myself trying to conjure up homely images of the future of me with all sons and no daughters. To convince myself that it won't be all that bad. (!!) Strapping lads with their arms around me as they reach their adulthood. Boys running in the garden playing football or play wrestling. That sort of thing!

Another thing that I think of, is that if we do end up with another baby, I find myself wondering what the gender will be. I of course have no way of knowing!! But I find myself thinking all the same "I wonder if I will get a girl" or things like that. I think if we do have another baby we will find out the sex (Jonathan wanted to with Christopher it was me that stopped us! So I think Jonathan would have no problem if we have another baby), so that if it's a boy it will give me time to adjust. I do think back to the dream I had in pregnancy with Robert, that I gave birth to triplets, the first one being Robert, the second one also a boy, and the third one we thought was a boy at first but then it turned out to be a girl. It does make me wonder, if it's a kind of future telling dream, that I will have 3 kids, and well first two boys.. and if I have a third, if it will show on ultrasound (or if it's just an overwhelming thought) that it's a third boy, whether we will be surprised later by the emergence (or view on ultrasound) of a girl.

I guess it's a "time will tell" ending to this post really... All this assuming I do actually have a third child.

37 weeks 3 days - last week

It's Sunday 19th September. There are only 6 days until I get admitted to hospital for my induction. I have so much to do but it will all come together, and this last week will fly by and I think it would be nice to have a written record of how things are going in my last week as Mummy to one gorgeous boy. This time next week I really hope I will be cuddled up with my newest little baby, having had a labour that has gone swimmingly well.

Jonathan has gone into town to buy me a birthing ball (well, Gym Ball, but same difference, only cheaper), and to buy a hard backed envelope for Robert's cbeebies birthday card (another thing to finish before next weekend!).

I have been feeling Squidge engage a few times over the last couple of days, but then notice s/he has come back out again and feeling all squashed up again under my ribs. I've been averaging well over 3 cups of raspberry leaf tea a day for 3 weeks (at one point averaging 4 but got below that a bit now), and hoping that bouncing on the birthing ball this week may help things along. I've also been trying to ensure I have regular braxton hicks in the hope that it might help things along somehow, if not start labour then at least start getting things ready.

Things have been quite squashed up the last few days, and beginning to definitely get that "heavily pregnant" feeling. Last night we were at the in-laws sorting out induction weekend plans, and we had a Chinese takeaway in the evening. Leaving Jonathan, MIL and FIL nicely satiated, and me positively bloated having had the same amount! So much so I did have trouble tying my shoe laces to go home, having had no problems for the rest of the pregnancy particularly! I have been huffing and puffing a lot lately, even after not doing particularly much, which Jonathan has said is getting a little annoying but he can understand why I'm doing it, so he doesn't complain lol! I do feel lucky in that I know I only have 1 week to go, whereas if I wasn't being induced I'd be facing up to 5 weeks to go which seems like a huge amount more!

Squidge is still nice and active, apart from one sleepy day I think on Monday last week, and I rarely notice the times inbetween his many active moments! Some are more active than others, sometimes I just feel his bum/knee gently shift position and stick out of my belly gently, other times I feel a big "bloop" movement of his bum, combined with a foot sticking out one side of my belly, plus little hand swishing movements down there as well!

I've been a little looser in the bowel movement situation lately as well, which is getting my hopes up for an induction-free labour. I remember that two days before Robert was born we went out to a restuarant in the evening, and I went to the loo after the meal and had quite a large loose BM then. I keep feeling pressure in some sense or another as well, which of course may just be when Squidge is becoming engaged, and will mean nothing. Last night I was wondering if things might be getting ready for the beginning of things, as I felt small waves of sensations at the very bottom of my bump, but then stopped, and wondered if maybe they might have been related in some way to the bloatedness earlier in the evening, or Squidge engaging.

Only time will tell! But once I have wrapped up this entry I will be going and finishing my hospital bag, and also making notes on my birth plan and getting that typed up as well. Plus a list of last minute questions to ask my midwife tomorrow, as that will be my last antenatal appointment!

Also I don't know if I mentioned it here, but Squidge now does have a name set aside for him/her in either eventuality. :) I'm so pleased that I have kept the surprise for myself for the big day, I know there are many people who argue that it is a surprise whether you find out at 20 weeks, 30 weeks, or on the birthing day, but having known with Robert at 20 weeks, and not knowing with this one, I must admit there IS a difference... the anticipation and excitement not only of meeting your little baby and discovering whose nose he has, or whose eyes he has, but also the fact that you've not known all this time whether he is a boy or a girl, the anticipation for me seems to be a HUGE amount greater than it was with Robert. I just can't wait to find out whether Robert is having a brother or sister! And each day the excitement gets greater! I think that if we do have a third child, I would love to keep the sex a surprise again. I have not regretted keeping it a surprise at all, and to me, buying neutral clothes, neutral bedding, packing little white jackets and blankets does not make me feel "less prepared" as many people state as their reason for finding out, nor are we financially worse off, we have kept all of Robert's clothes, so if it's a boy, he can wear those as well as the neutral things (to give us a break of blue blue blue), and if it's a girl, then we can reuse some of the boys clothes (vests, socks etc) and keep the rest incase we have a third.

I love the way I've kept changing my mind on what I think it is... I had that huge chunk of time when I had a niggling feeling it was a girl, now I think it's a boy! I will be over the moon whatever our baby is, and just can't wait for Jonathan to tell me! (And I think he will enjoy that priviledge too, despite having wanted to find out at the scan!) I can't wait to hold my baby on my chest, feel his/her warmth on my body, and call him/her by name for the first time, and welcome little Squidge into the world by introducing them to Jonathan, my mum, the midwife by name.

I shall go now, and start doing all the things I need to get done. Finish packing the hospital bags and Robert's weekend bag, making notes on questions for the midwife and my birth plan.

I hope you all are having a lovely weekend! I will try and update this week, by Thursday at the latest with my last belly picture, and hopefully the news that all is ready, clothes are in drawers, boxes are in the loft, cot is clear, bags are packed and so on! Huge hugs to you all, I know this isn't quite the end of this pregnancy but it is drawing nearer and you have all been a fabulous source of support and comfort to me. Will update soon!

27 weeks 5 days - mothers instincts? Name spoiler finally!!

I don't know if it's because of the several dreams I have had now, but I can't help but think of Squidge as a little girl. Last night I was laying in bed, Squidge was being overly active, which was lovely and I was just watching my belly wobble around, feeling the little pokes wriggles and (for the first time this pregnancy!!) hiccups! I lay there looking fondly at my bump and allowing myself to daydream about little Erin (yes I finally succumbed, there you go!! That's our girl's name!!) joining us in October, signing cards from Nicola, Jonathan, Robert and Erin. I couldn't help but keep thinking about that name. And then I felt guilty, because what if it's Christopher and not Erin? Christopher still doesn't sit perfectly well in my mind and heart. Whether it's because I don't believe the baby is a boy deep down, or because I am thinking it's a girl because we both like the name Erin so much, I don't know.

I so want to tell myself that it's a boy. I just know so many people who are having girls and only a couple who are having boys so I just feel that for that reason I'll have another boy because then it'll be more even. I know it doesn't work like that but I can't help but think it. I'm actually terrified that by allowing myself to whole heartedly believe that the baby is a girl, that by thinking "Erin" automatically when I look at my bump, and feel the baby move, that I'm setting myself up for huge disappointment when I find out that I'm not having my Erin afterall. I can't believe what started out as a small niggly feeling in the back of my mind has now turned into such an overpowering feeling it's completely overriden my "boy" thoughts completely.

I keep thinking about the growth scans I am likely to get. Keep thinking "there's still that chance to find out". And I still think that although the urge gets stronger every day to find out the sex, will I be hugely disappointed that I caved in and disallowed myself the surprise? Part of me is looking forward to the surprise at the birth so much, but part of me now, with these overwhelming "it's a girl" thoughts is getting me scared that I will not accept a boy so lovingly in my mind if it's a surprise, especially since I have a leaning towards wanting a girl this time.

Every time I hear about someone who's found out they're having a girl, I inwardly groan, like it makes it less likely that I'm having one! How crazy is that?! I know that at the end of the day I will love my tiny baby boy just as much as if he were a girl, because I thought the same with Robert, I wanted him to be a girl, he wasn't, but I love him so much and wouldn't make him a girl for the world now! Wouldn't change a thing about him. He makes me so proud every day.

Anyway that's enough rambling about that. Tomorrow I will be having my 28 week midwife appointment, she will let me know the results of the glucose tolerance test I had yesterday, and do all the routine checks, and I'll talk to her about my birthing worries and my dreams and see what she says about that. I've not heard back from the community midwife office yet regarding my debrief on Robert's birth so I'll see what happens tomorrow.

15 weeks 5 days - heartbeat! And a dream!

Well I am so very very nearly 16 weeks pregnant now. How is this possible???!! It was only a couple of weeks ago I was sitting on the edge of my bath holding a positive pregnancy test in my shaking hand! That was when I was 4 weeks pregnant exactly! It seems absolutely crazy how fast this pregnancy is whizzing by. But to be honest I don't mind that the last 12 weeks have whizzed by, the first 16 weeks of pregnancy are the worst in my opinion. Before the 12 week scan you have NO idea how things are going. You just plod on, hoping that lack of cramps and bleeding is a good sign that all is going how it should. Then you get that magical day when you see your tiny baby and KNOW that you didn't imagine that line on the test, that there really is a real little baby inside you all snug, and that it's alright, and not an alien, or anything else for that matter! But then you have a month to wait for the next real sign that baby is ok, seeing the midwife and hearing the heartbeat. I have felt baby kick before I went to see her but I had forgotten just how slight the first kicks are. How easy it is to doubt yourself as to whether those little pops and bubbly feelings were baby kicking or just wind in your gut.

Yesterday I heard Squidge's heartbeat. What a lovely sound! She put the doppler on my belly, and that VERY instant, there was the baby's heartbeat! How lovely she found it straight away, no 5 second wait worrying she wouldn't find it, there it was! Hearing that heartbeat was just wonderful, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And confirmation that the little pops unaccompanied by any obvious wind (sorry!) were my little Squidge kicking away in there! S/he is about the size of a pear now, about 11cm long from crown to rump (just over 4 inches) and weighs about 3oz. S/he is beginning to hiccup in preparation for breathing, and is also learning to grab his/her umbilical cord and grasp it! How amazing that in just 3 and a half short months they can go from being a single cell, a fertilised egg, into a being that is just a tiny, perfect little person, growing and learning day by day even inside the uterus, learning how to survive in the world outside Mummy's tummy.

The night before my midwife appointment, I had a dream, my FIRST baby related dream since conception (that I remember!). I was in labour, about to give birth to my baby. I wasn't in hospital, I was in a place I don't really remember, or recognise from my dream particularly, but it was dim, with a soft reddish/brown hue. It was a quick and easy labour, and baby was being born, even though I remember there were no midwives here yet!! But I was calm, and birthed my baby, reaching down to receive it. When it was born, I pulled it up and onto my chest, where I breathed in every detail. My little baby was absolutely perfect in every way, and I held it, and prayed that it would cry so I knew it was ok. It did cry, briefly, which was the most wonderful sound ever! I suddenly realised that I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl! So I looked, and it was a girl! We had no name for her, but I spent the next while in my dream just cuddling my baby girl, she suckled a bit at my breast, and it was just WONDERFUL. The midwife had finally turned up, and eventually they weighed my baby girl, and she weighed in at 9lb 15oz! Just 1oz short of Robert's birth weight, but I remember thinking "wow, just 1oz less than Robert and she was a week early too!"

It was just such a wonderful, peaceful dream, and I didn't want to wake up! And who knows if my dream was right, only one thing is determined right now, and that's Squidge's gender. So my dream has a 50/50 chance of being right. However, the other two parts of my dream aren't determined yet, so just imagine if they turn out to be true too, that Squidge is a week early, and weighs 9lb 15oz! I will be looking forward eagerly to more dreams. I love pregnancy dreams! For the most part, I had a couple of disturbing dreams (mainly erotic ones with people who I REALLY shouldn't be doing or WANTING to do erotic things with!!!) but they were mostly fun and interesting :) Especially the baby related dreams!

15 weeks 3 days - urgh

Well... since last week sometime, my boobs have been SO SORE. Well, actually not as sore as that is making out to be, but I have definitely started with the sore boobs, finally. With Robert I got them early on - before 6 weeks pregnant definitely, this time it's super duper late! I don't know if breastfeeding has had any affect on this, but now it is SO sore to nurse Robert. Sometimes it's sore just by him nursing nicely, when he's not fidgetty, but it's awful when he's climbing all over me, digging his elbow and chin into my boob while he's feeding. And sometimes when he latches on, I find myself holding my breath waiting for that stab of pain. Just OWW OWW! I've had to stop him practically every time in the last few days. And I didn't nurse him before bed tonight, I couldn't really face the thought of it. He is usually quite unsettled for his nighttime feeds, although occasionally he will just lay still and nicely. But it's his HANDS that just go overtime at night, pinching squeezing tweaking poking. Or grabbing for my ears (latest obsession!!! grabs one ear, and then pushes my face the other way with his hand and grabs the other!) So anyway yeah he went without his bedtime milk. Not that I'm even sure how much I have left right now!! lol! I will let him try again in the morning but I think I may actually wean him before Squidge is born :( However... if he wants to continue after Squidge arrives I will let him!

I have been feeling some definite Squidge pops lately in my belly :) Although being a busy mum I don't notice them every day, and sometimes it is still hard to tell if it's wind or not lol. As I'm laying in bed I can feel my uterus right there, sometimes my belly feels hard almost up to my belly button which is a bit big really, I'm guessing maybe it's pushing up something as well? I don't really know, it seems to move depending on the day lol :) But it's lovely how I know Squidge is definitely growing in there :) And nice to know that in a couple of weeks I'll be feeling Squidge soooo often :)

I just can't believe how I still don't have any idea in my mind as to whether Squidge is a boy or a girl! I sometimes find myself playing the scene of when we find out Squidge's sex in my mind, sometimes thinking to myself "it's a baby girl!" and sometimes "it's a boy!" but neither sticks out to me, I am just so completely unsure! I don't believe that the old wives tale of different/similar pregnancies has any meaning regarding the sex. Some women swear by it, claiming that their pregnancy with their son was completely different to their daughter's and some people with multiple of one gender report remarkably similar pregnancies. But others also say that their same sex children had completely different pregnancies or vice versa, their different gender pregnancies were so similar they were convinced they were having another boy/girl whatever. So far in the way that I've had no morning sickness it's similar to Robert's pregnancy. But the boobs are different! I've been so busy with Robert so it's hard to compare everything anyway as I was able to relax with Robert but not so much with this one! I've asked Jonathan if he would mind not finding out the sex, and he has agreed that if that's what I want he'll do it :) Although he did say "can I find out and you not find out?" And well I don't like the idea of that because he's bound to slip up, besides then the temptation to know would be so great, and well, I just wouldn't be happy with it. Everyone would know but me and that's just not right is it!! Plus, it would take away from that special moment just after the birth when he would tell me. I can always change my mind but I really hope I can stick to it because I would so love the surprise!

Names are still non-existant. Jonathan though said to me "I thought we had a girls name?" er... what? "you know, you showed me that list and I told you which one I liked." errr yeah but that's not a joint decision by any means! Argh! Plus, he STILL hasn't looked up names. It's always on me to remind him and remind him and remind him to do ANYTHING like that. I wanted him to read that Children are from Heaven book but it is just that I have to say to him EVERY DAY to go and read some, and then it's sort of like I have to bargain with him to go and do it. Ie, give him free time when I'm looking after Robert so he does it. Because he won't do it during the evening, or during Robert's naps. So I sort of give up. I want him to know the reasoning behind things and not just get me to try and remember everything and say in my version of recollection what the book says, when he can just read it himself! I guess it's just something, along with names, that'll get done eventually. With names I guess if he doesn't get his finger out I'll get my way with names in the end :P

14 weeks 5 days - reappearance

I'm beginning to see why Alice has two separate journals one for pregnancy/ttc and one for "the kids". I am beginning to feel like everything right now has become all mushed up in one place!

Right now, the last week I am beginning to see the reappearance of a few symptoms. Well I started getting sore boobs for the first time this pregnancy about a couple of weeks ago. They're not too bad now, although it can sometimes be sore to nurse Robert. He only nurses in the morning after waking and in the night before bedtime now, and has done since maybe 13/14 months old which was when I cut out his afternoon nap milk. He seems to enjoy his morning milk more than his night time milk, sometimes he just faffs about for ages tweaking, pinching, pulling and arghhh it just really winds me up! Why I've not got around to getting a nursing necklace yet I don't know!!!

I also have had a few instances of feeling sick. Sort of... it's a bit of an odd sensation, but usually a trip to the toilet sorts it out. So those and the constant peeing are the only real indications I have that all are going ok in there. Last night as I was falling asleep I remember feeling what could have been kicks. I'm just not certain anymore. These next 6 days could not go fast enough for me. I'm DESPERATE to hear Squidge's heartbeat. I just wish it was next Monday already! Luckily the weather seems to be cheering up, and with it my spirits. I adore it when it's warm and sunny! The world just seems to be a nicer place, it's just a wonderful feeling! I'm hoping that the weather will remain nice and bright and sunny this week so I can get washing done, spend lots of time in the garden with Robert, go on walks, picnics maybe! Just lots of fun things to pass the time.

I still have had no gender dreams. Not a single one. In fact I've had very few dreams to do with the baby whatsoever. I was thinking to myself actually this week that I would LOVE if Squidge was a boy!! Which surprised me so much! I watch Robert with Kieran (my friend Sarah's 3 year old) and we just realised actually that the age gap between them is almost EXACTLY the same age gap as will be between Robert and Squidge! And they play together so beautifully I think with each passing day how lovely and WONDERFUL an age gap of 22 and a half months is! And imagine, two little brothers! I know that at a small age no matter if it was a boy or a girl they would be close but as they grow up together I just feel sometimes that the gender divide might get stronger especially as they approach their teens and start their dislike of the opposite gender! It's not always the case I know, but I just think how lovely it would be to have 2 boys so close in age growing up and staying close forever! But at the same time my heart does yearn for a little girl as we have a boy already and a little girl would just be lovely.

Part of me is seriously considering NOT finding out the sex at the next scan! Because I really can 100% say that I will be thrilled with either sex! And how lovely would the surprise be at the end, to have Jonathan looking at me and saying "we have a beautiful baby.....*insert gender here*!" But I think Jonathan has his mind set on finding out. We have a while to go still until the scan. 6 weeks and 3 days to make up my mind, and then to possibly persuade Jonathan.

Names are still unknown. In fact we have not discussed them at all since although in my mind I have since crossed off some names and added others. I am so adament that I do not want a popular name for our baby, as I was one of three Nicolas in my primary school class, so I was forever known as "Nicola Br", not even Nicola B as one of the other Nicolas was a Nicola B!! Jonathan does not understand this, he thinks that if we both like a name we should just choose it regardless, that it shouldn't matter how many others of the same name there are in the class/school/town/whatever. But then Jonathan went to a small village school where each year group only had a handful of children in. In fact I think there were 2-3 year groups in one classroom! And he was the only Jonathan.

For a girl recently I had been thinking "Sophie" but that is in the top 5 girls names, I would really ideally want a rarer name. The girl's name at the top of my mind recently has been Eleanor. Boys names: Darryl I have gone off slightly but I still love Callum (37 on the top 2009 names so not bad). Part of me is thinking of making a list of names, shortening it to 3 or so, and then when the baby is born, picking my favourite and persuading Jonathan to name it that! Apparently it works, the baby is born, you look at your hubby and say "ahhhh. Look what I just pushed out. Can we name him x?" and he can't refuse hahaha! Then after a while they can't imagine the baby without that name anyway and love it as much as you! I didn't have to do that with Robert because I loved it so much I got my own way before he was even born lol ;)

21 weeks 5 days - scan! It's a...........

I'm baaaaaaaa-aaaack! :) Sausage is completely healthy, they found no problems whatsoever, although the pint and a half of orange juice I had before the scan certainly worked well - Sausage didn't stop moving at all during the scan, the sonographer had trouble checking the spine and heart!

Just to draw out your suspense some more, I'll add some of the pictures we got to take home with us! :) We DID get to find out the sex, and you will find out by the time you finish reading this entry!

First off, she took a LOT of pictures of Sausage sucking his/her thumb (teehee, I'm so not going to give it away just yet!), or general profile shots, so I'll add these first - and ooh Sausage looks soo cute... especially in this first one - thumb firmly in mouth!

We also have a picture of one of Sausage's arms and legs..

We did get a photo of what appeared to be just one of Sausage's arms - with what looked like the head just behind, but it wasn't very interesting as it just looked like an arm, so we left it out.

But yeah, she spent ages checking the various things, but we got our "inbetween the legs" shot fairly soon after she started...

That's right, it's a boy!!! We have our Robert Stephen!

Right at the beginning of the scan, we got such a nice view of his face, and we even saw his mouth opening and closing! And not long after, he found his thumb hehe.

Anyway, since you've all been dying for this entry, I'll post it now! Pictures took longer than expected to get uploaded and resized etc, which is why it's so late. But enjoy! :) And yay, I am really happy!

21 weeks 2 days - more movements, gender thoughts.

Thanks linds for commenting. :) I thought it was cute too :D

I'm just so happy right now, although last night I got a bit depressed, thinking how on earth I was going to get through the next three days without completely going barmy. But now a new day is here I feel great, and happy, and best of all, Sausage does seem to be waking up now! And moving more than ever! I got lots and lots of movements during the day, and then at night, I got more movements again! I don't think it was hiccups this time, as they felt stronger. I was half expecting it to be able to be felt from the outside, but when I put my hand over the spot, Sausage stopped making them! :) I know that as the movements get REALLY strong, if they carry on being at night when I'm settling down to sleep they will become more and more annoying, but for now, I absolutely love them! And I just feel so great in knowing that Sausage is still thriving in there, and absolutely loving each and every move s/he makes.

Oh gosh, I really cannot WAIT until I can stop calling Sausage s/he and him/her and so on. I can't wait to call HIM Robert, or HER Chloe! And now I'm not nearly worrying as much about the wellbeing of Sausage, I'm looking forward to the scan so much, and thinking what a great birthday present it is to be able to see my first little one again the day before my birthday! And oh my goodness - even better if I get to find out the sex! I really do want to know, but if in the end it's not possible, then I think I could eventually come around to dealing with having a surprise.

In my mind though, I still think Sausage is a boy. Although to me now the %s are 50/50, I am thinking it's a boy probably because I know I would love a girl - and that way if it's a boy there is no surprise. But also I cannot help but think that family trends are huge and somehow irrefutable! Apart from my uncle from my mum's side, and my auntie from my dad's side both of which had a girl first, the REST of my entire family, and J's - have had a boy first. And likewise - my step-mother's family seems to be following the opposite trend - girls first. But there is the part of me that is sensible and logic based that thinks "don't be so stupid, it's 50/50 chance every time. That's why there have been exceptions in your extended family that break the 'boy first' rule".

Ah well, I guess time will tell! Three days to go! (although it would have been today, and I would have known by now if they hadn't changed the appointment! Grrr.)

J was on the phone to his parents yesterday evening, I guessed anyway because I am pretty sure he was talking about my birthday with them, I think they asked him what I wanted, and also they asked what we were doing at the weekend. It turns out we're going over to their house for a roast dinner on Sunday, and I wouldn't be surprised if they bought me a birthday cake, they seem to do that every year, it's so sweet! :) They really have treated me like one of their own. And I feel so proud that I get to give birth to their first grandchild! Anyway, I'll leave this here for now, my arms and legs seem to have got better from their extended exercises on Thursday and Friday, so will probably go on the wii fit again today for a while.

I hope you're all well, and I look forward to reading your next installments soon! x

17 weeks 2 days - vivid dream, father's day

I had the most VIVID dream last night. I was 32 weeks pregnant, when I went into labour prematurely. I was seeing the doctors in hospital, who were saying, no you'll be okay, and then before I knew it, I felt the baby's head crowning, (I was standing up!) and leant down, gave a little push, and caught baby as it came out! The doctors sort of stared in disbelief, before running off for some reason, and I sat down to immediately breastfeed this 8 week premature baby I'd just given birth to! Then I thought "oh, I'd better check the sex", opened the baby's legs to see that it was a girl! But the weirdest thing was that this baby, although it was premature and just been born, was the size of about an 8 month old baby! And wide open eyes. The baby in my dream had deep blue eyes, and sandy brown hair. It was that vivid! I dreamed that I told my parents and J's parents, who had arrived (although for some reason I dreamed I was at home with the baby by this point), that we'd named her Chloe Anne, at which point J's parents' eyes filled with tears of joy. My mum lit up a cigarette, and more strangely, so did Jonathan's mum (who doesn't smoke), and I was furious because they were smoking around my new baby.

I remember waking up, and my nipples feeling weird, because in the dream I breastfed this baby a lot. It was so bizarre!

I did have a dream a while back that wasn't very vivid, where I had a scan and the baby was revealed to be a girl, and I was very surprised, so now, that makes gender dreams as Boy: 2, Girl: 2. So I really have no idea! How strange that in the space of a few weeks I was so sure it was a boy, and now I really don't know! Last night's dream was so vivid I can't help but wonder for sure whether that has anything to do with it.

Onto more real matters (hehe), this weekend was fathers day, well yesterday more like, but on Saturday we had Jonathan's parents around for a barbecue, and we had a lovely time! Although I wore my low cut black maternity top and my boobs did get a bit sunburnt. Ooops! For my 18 or 20 week belly picture I might get Jonathan to take a full view picture of me, one with belly exposed like in previous shots, and maybe one with top down. Anyway, back on topic, on Saturday, during the day, and after J's parents went home, I felt Sausage move a LOT! It was so nice! I just can't wait for the feelings to get even stronger, although they are feeling more strong already from even last week. I can't believe I'm 17 weeks pregnant already. Time seems to be flying! I'm almost half way through! These new feelings I get with Sausage moving, and knowing things are progressing nicely make all the niggly pregnancy discomforts so worth it. I've not had any heartburn since that time I said, but I've got packs of Rennie at the ready incase I do! :) The most annoying thing right now is how long I spend in the toilet! But that's okay really, it's nice to have that reminder that Sausage is still in here and doing well.

We'll be seeing my dad next weekend, since I think hes busy working this weekend (such is the life of a GCSE and A level tutor - always busiest in the run-up to exam times), and next weekend he's going to Chester to see Stephen, Nicky and Ewan. On the way back they're going to stop by here and we can cook them a barbecue or a roast dinner or something. I sent him a card via post... I think when he sees me next weekend I may well get a thump! Haha. Lets just say the inside of the card summed up the card as a whole.... "Happy Farter's Day!"

Anyway, thanks for reading, hope everyone's weekend went well too! x

15 weeks 5 days - ramblings, some TMI, sorry!

I will try and forget about yesterday's incident for the time being, rather than let it eat at me. Thank you Becky and Megan for the advice, I'll see how things go for now.

Last night I wasn't very well, I don't know where it came from, but it was the opposite end to that which most women have problems with during pregnancy. I was off my food at dinner time, we had a barbecue, and all I managed really was a few bites of salad, the whole jacket potato, and only a bite or two of the other stuff on my plate (sausage, burger, and kebab). Then, (sorry for TMI) I was farting all evening, and the smell was HORRENDOUS. I went to bed, carried on in there (ewww) with the windows open, and then got up several times for a wee, and the last trip was when it all came cascading out. Yuck. Sorry! Hope no-one was eating when they read this. But after that I felt much better and got a good night's sleep. It's just a bit weird, have I got some weird aversion now to processed meats? I love a bit of steak, and haven't had any problems with it. But then I don't think I had any problems with burgers or sausages before last night either. Maybe it was just inevitable, no matter what I ate.

Ah well, the important thing is that I'm feeling okay now.

Anyway, I forgot to mention a few days ago that I had another gender dream, and while it was very blurry, I don't remember much about the dream at all, I remember it was during a scan again, and I was told it was a girl, and I remember being VERY surprised! And happy! And now for some reason the % has dropped a lot for chances it's a boy, before it was about 90% in my head that it was a boy, now it's more like... 60%, or less. I feel a bit guilty to tell the truth because I feel I have more of a preferance for girl than boy, and at least when I was thinking it was a boy with practically 100% definicity (is that a word? lol) I wouldn't be upset if it was indeed a boy, and would be thrilled if it turned out to be a girl. But now in my head it's almost as likely to have a boy as a girl, if it's a girl I'll be less surprised, and if it's a boy, I may well think I'll be a little disappointed. Of course the overriding factor in all this is no matter the sex, if they're healthy that's what's most important at the end of the day, but I don't think I'll be able to stop that tiny bit of disappointment all the same. I guess at least, finding out the sex in 6 weeks time, I will have 19 weeks (assuming I reach my due date!) to get used to the idea that it's a boy. Which sounds HORRID. Although maybe when I find out it is a boy, I will be absolutely thrilled anyway. Time will tell I guess.

Thanks for reading, tata x

11 weeks - 9 days to gooooo til scan!

11 weeks pregnant! 1 week til the next belly picture! It's so exciting that I've come this far already - seems crazily long ago since I was 5 weeks and announcing I got pregnant! Nine days until the scan. I am soooo excited about the scan. I just can't wait to see little Sausage! To know that the lack of period and the occasional (!) icky feeling and the line on the test wasn't just a freakish co-incidence determined to disappoint me with a lack of baby in November. J thinks that my "boy vibes" I've been having are silly, he says that he "thinks it is a girl, because it's random, and so that when it is a girl I can say 'I told you so'" I know it's random too.. I do, I just can't explain why I think it's a boy. And I will be so happy either way, whether I am proved right or wrong! I probably will be looking out during the scan to see if I can see any "bits", but I've looked at a bunch of scans where they say whether it's a boy or girl, and draw arrows to the relevant bits, and I really can't tell HOW they knew from that picture! (Half the time I can't even tell where the baby's head/bum/legs etc are on the pictures I saw) Maybe it will be more obvious when we see the actual scan moving rather than the stills... I will wait and see! :) Nine days to go! :D

Next Wednesday is mine and J's 3rd wedding anniversary. Since a lot of the non essential stuff is still in boxes, I have all my craft stuff still packed away so am probably not able to make him a card for it. But oh my gosh - our last anniversary just us two! (Well, technically I guess that's not true, but you know what I mean!) We were engaged for 3.5 years before we got married - together for 4 years. We decided we wanted to get married on our "getting together" anniversary, so we have nearly been together for 7 whole years!

This week I have also found several more "mommy" or "mommy-to-be" diaries, I really look forward to reading each and every one!

Yesterday I looked around on the internet at cloth nappy sites. Having been a long term reader of Alice, I really see the benefits of using them, and would LOVE to use them on my little ones. But omg, they are so baffling! 3 different types, some come in one size others you get for different ages, different brands, different "stuffers".. Since we don't have a tumble dryer, I guess we would be best off using the "pocket" sort so we can dry the padding and the outer bit separately. But I'm just thinking - what do I do? Do I order trial packs for about 5 different brands so we have enough for the new baby when it arrives? Or do I use disposables as well for when we run out of clean dry cloth nappies? And what stuffers do I use? And then once I decide which sort I like, what do I do with the spares? Send them back to the company? Give them away to friends? The only person I know with a baby from my non internet life is my sister-in-law, and her baby will be a year older than mine, so the spare nappies will be useless for her. What I do know though is that I will NEED to use them from straight away, or I know I will get into the habit of using disposables. And will like the convenience of disposables. If anyone has any advice, I'd be very grateful to hear it, notes or email would be lovely. :)

J and I have decided to sell the flat. He's spoken to his financial advisor, and he reckons there isn't a lot of difference between selling and renting, so we think it'll be best to just get rid of the "hassle" so to speak, and sell. Then we'll also have a huge chunk sum to put aside for paying off a lot of the mortgage, and also we can put some aside for buying the new baby bits we'll need, and things like that. We can't pay off the mortgage straight away because we're on a 5 year fixed, but we can pay some extra off per month until the contract runs out, and reduce our interest a bit on it. So, all in all, things looking good :) And maybe, if some time in the future, the owner of the house next door decides to sell, we could buy it, and convert the house into a huuuuuge 6 bedroom detached! heh. But that's just a pipe dream really, assuming that the owner will decide to sell before we have to move somewhere bigger (although that may not be the case, we have lots of conversion-ability here), and then assuming we have the money to buy, and then convert! ;)

Anyway, will leave this for now, on this nice bank holiday weekend. :) Hope you are all okay, and thanks for reading!