The birth story !!

Baby Felicia was born on Friday 17th March at 3.10am! She was 8 days past due date, arrived at home, and is perfect. She is now 9 days old, and so adored. We had the perfect birthing experience. :)

After several false starts, including one on the Tuesday before she was born, when I started getting surges on the Thursday evening, I didn't think much of it, I assumed it was another false labour, and decided to go to bed. For some reason, I decided that it would be a nice idea to have some couple time with J that evening, thinking well, it couldn't hurt, and it might well be the last time for several weeks/months ;) after, we went to sleep, and at around 12.50am I woke to go to the toilet. As I sat up, I realised the bed felt quite damp. I didn't think too much of it, until I walked to the bathroom, and realised I was leaking fluid, and it was trickling along the floor as I walked. I also noticed that my surges had picked back up again, and knew this was it, my waters had gone and were trickling. So I called my mum (who was 2 hours drive away) to let her know this was it. She was in A&E with my step-dad, who, she had told me on Tuesday, had had a heart attack the week before. He was back there again with chest pain but had been seen and they were sure he was ok, and the pain wasn't anything serious. She said she'd get here ASAP, and she could leave A&E soon. After I got off the phone with mum, I called the labour ward, and told them my waters had gone, and they said they'd get a midwife to call me back.

A short while later, I got a call back from the midwife. As soon as I heard the midwife's voice, I was so pleased, because it was the same one that came out to me a week before to talk about my home birth, due to a call I'd received about possibly not being a candidate for home birth due to one of my previous births. I found out it had been Robert's birth that was the cause for concern, and so I talked to her about why I felt this birth would be fine, that I was not going to give birth in water this time, that my positioning would be better, and I was less naïve, and more experienced this time. The midwife, Sheelagh, was lovely and said they would absolutely support me in home birth, and that she could see no reason why home birth would not be ok. So when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone, I was so pleased it would be someone I'd met and got on well with attending the birth. I told her that the contractions weren't incredibly strong or regular yet but they were stronger than the false labour ones I'd been having. I also told her I didn't want any cervical checks, so I would be happy to wait til they were stronger and more regular and call her back. She told me I could call her mobile directly, so I made sure I could redial easily, and hung up, sure it wouldn't be long until we called her back.

Due to leaking, I put a pad and knickers on, and a towel on the bed, and went back to bed again, to try and get some more rest. About an hour later, at 2am, I felt the baby move, and immediately a huge gush of liquid came out in bed. I leapt up, grabbed the towel between my legs, and woke Jonathan back up again. The surges were back, and much stronger again, and definitely labourish, so I called Sheelagh back to tell her what happened, and that it was definitely happening now, and could she please come now? I went down to unlock the front door, and then went to the toilet in the cloakroom. Sure enough, my knickers and pad was soaked through, and I just put the towel between my legs again and went to find something to wear that would be modest and warm enough but allow me to birth easily. Jonathan was getting dressed too, and we went over what we'd need, made sure we had enough towels and waterproof sheets.

At around 2.30, Sheelagh arrived and sat and we chatted a bit, she started filling in forms, and taking observations, my blood pressure, listened to the baby, took my temperature and so on. The surges continued to come, and were getting strong enough that I'd have to breathe through them. Jonathan started to play the Steven Halpern hypnobirthing music on the TV, and for some reason it really bugged me, it sounded cheesy, so I looked through the music and finally found some calm atmospheric music that was just right. We went over my birth plan, which was fairly simple, and Sheelagh seemed happy enough. I sat on the sofa, resting between surges, and breathing through them. Then pretty soon I felt rather pushy, Sheelagh was saying she needed to try and guess when the second midwife should attend, to be here in time for the birth. I had another surge where again I felt pushy, but tried not to, instead breathing through it, but I told Sheelagh I was feeling a lot of pressure, and she called for the second midwife, Sonia, who was 20 minutes away in Kettering. The next surge I again felt the need to push but again I didn't, because I was still sitting and I knew I needed to move to kneel for delivering. Jonathan had been busy during this time setting up the beanbag, waterproof sheet, and towels in front of the opposite sofa.

By the next surge, which was around 3am, I had moved to kneel on the beanbag, and I allowed my body to bear down once I was in position. Sheelagh told me that I should ideally be more upright, so I shifted my position slightly so my elbows were closer to the edge of the sofa. Jonathan however had started up the stairs to go and get another beanbag to help position me more upright. I didn't know why he was going upstairs, but I remember thinking he'd better not be long because his baby was coming, and she wasn't going to hang around! I couldn't tell him this though, but luckily, Sheelagh did, basically saying that he should get back down NOW if he didn't want to miss the birth! And sure enough, on the next surge, her head emerged. Sheelagh constantly encouraging me to breathe, not push (I wasn't pushing, I was just bearing down with my body! I could not stop it at all!), and then when the head came, she suddenly changed tactic, and told me that her hand was by her head, and to push to get the head out. One more big push to get her head out! Then what seemed like 10 seconds later, Sheelagh was telling me to push again for her body. Out she came, with a big gush of the rest of the amniotic fluid, and immediately a gurgly cry! Sheelagh told me to lift my leg so we could pass the baby up, and I just held her for a while. Before I lifted her up, I remember glancing briefly between her legs and seeing that she was a girl, but in that moment, it did not matter at all! I lifted her to me, with a huge sense of relief that she was finally here, and that the birth was done! We moved over to the sofa where I had been resting and breathing through surges before delivery, and was just holding her, when a knock on the door was heard, followed by it opening, hearing my mum call out. Jonathan went to meet her, and said to her "you're too late! You can go back home now!" in a jokey manner. :) mum came in to see my baby girl in my arms!

I started to nurse her, and then about 5 minutes after that, Sonia, the second midwife arrived. Jonathan gave her the same quip, cups of tea made, and while I nursed, Sheelagh set about taking our temperatures again, and other observations while we waited for the placenta. About 10 minutes after delivery, the placenta came away naturally. As I nursed, I consented for the vitamin k injection to be administered. Felicia barely even opened her eyes, and didn't even make a noise! I was checked for tearing, and was amazed to find out I didn't tear AT ALL! Sheelagh and Sonia started filling in paperwork, mum started knitting, and it was such a relaxed post birth atmosphere. After Felicia finally finished nursing, we went to get her weighed in the kitchen. There was some speculation over her weight, and I thought maybe 8lbs, the midwives we're guessing 9.5lbs or so. But nope, Felicia amazed us all again when we found out she weighed a massive 10lb 12oz! Sheelagh and Sonia finally left around 4.30am, and we were all just too amazed and in awe to consider sleeping! I did have a sudden gush of blood after the midwife left, which panicked us all a bit. It soaked my knickers and the maternity pad, and was dripping out onto the sheet pad I was sitting on. I was worried it might be a hemorrage, so phoned Sheelagh back, who asked if it was still gushing or if it was slowing down. After I calmed down a bit it was evident it was slowing down so felt more able to relax. I got a couple more pads on a fresh pair of knickers, and all seemed OK. The three of us stayed awake until the boys got up for the morning.

It was so surreal sitting there, seeing the sky turn from completely dark, then getting lighter and lighter! Eventually the boys woke up and came down. Robert came first, and stopped on the stairs, looking groggy and confused, as he spotted his nanna sitting on the sofa and his daddy standing recording him on the phone! Robert then saw me, and the baby in my arms, and he just stopped dead still, open mouthed, and then to our amazement, his lip quivered, his eyes filled with tears, as he stood staring at his baby sister. He burst into tears, completely overwhelmed with joy! When I finally felt able to say something, I got him to sit down next to us, and he just sat and sobbed! Christopher and Daniel followed soon after, and grinned when they saw Felicia, and then both asked to go and have breakfast, while Robert was still sitting next to me. :)

It was all just completely perfect. We could not have wished for a better birth experience for our fourth and final baby. :)

17 weeks, feeling good!

So I met with my new midwife this week. The one who I had throughout the entirety of all my other pregnancies is ill, and won't be returning as the surgery midwife. The new one seems ok. She seems initially friendlier than the old one (who warmed up after a short while in any case). She has seemed to move my due date to match the scan date, which I'm not pleased about, as it gives me 5 fewer days to go into labour naturally before the whole induction stuff comes into play again. Everything seems ok with me and baby. Heartbeat was found eventually, which was a big relief for me, as I haven't felt the baby move all that much. I have a bit, but it's often been with a bit of a question mark. As time goes on it is becoming more obvious, but still very much little pops. It seems crazy that in a few months they will be strong enough to take my breath away!

Emotionally, so far I've been pretty good!! I'm actually surprised, but unlike with particularly babies 2 and 3, where I had feelings of "oh my god what am I doing? Who was I kidding? I can't have another baby, I can't deal with the ones I have!" This time I'm feeling very positive... So far! The boys are still very excited about baby. Robert has said that he hopes it's a girl "so that she can boss my brothers around when she's older"!!! What makes him think she wouldn't boss HIM about too I don't know! 😜 Christopher is hoping it's a girl too. He wants to call her Daisy or Amelia. Neither of which I would put on the short list because the boys have a cousin Amelia and I don't particularly like Daisy. Maisy I like though. But this is all moot because baby will be another boy 😝. We might well find out towards the end of next month. I think I am feeling the most neutral over the gender of this baby than any after the first to be honest. I would be thrilled with a girl, but would be happy with a boy too because I am a boy mum. And I honestly don't see myself with a girl anymore. I thought Daniel was my last for a while, so instead of being a mum of all (three) boys, I'd be a mum of all (four) boys. And that's okay. Would I actually be missing out on all that much?

Around 14-15 weeks

So I'm beginning to lose track of how far along in this pregnancy I am already. It's slipping past quite quickly. But also since there's a 5 day discrepancy between lmp and scan dates, I'm not quite sure how to refer myself as being. Having read "LMP date confirmed" on the ultrasound write up, I'm sort of thinking that maybe I might still be classed as due on the 14th,which I've decided is good as I'm more likely to go over dates than deliver early, so it would give me an extra 5 days.

I've booked my 16 week appointment for a couple of weeks time. I'll be 16 weeks by LMP or 16+5 by scan then. I had barely got off the phone with the receptionist when I got a text message confirming my appointment (I love these, makes sure I've not written down the wrong time!) and the name of the midwife was one I didn't recognise. I wonder what's happened to Beverley? She was supposed to book me in but apparently didn't show up to work that day (ill?) and now it's a different midwife who's due to see me this time. I will also have to do my glucose tolerance test that week, due to previous gestational diabetes, family history, previous big baby etc. I might try and get it done in the morning of that day seeing as C and D will be at school and nursery, and R will probably be with his grandparents.

Another thing with the pregnancy is that I *think* I felt the baby kick, but I've not really felt anything since so I'm not so sure anymore. I hope they check for the heartbeat at the antenatal appointment so I know it's all still OK. They usually do at 16 weeks. Also, I'm really showing massively now. It's partly junk food, partly baby, but I think it's pretty obvious now as a school run mum was trying to fish for my reaction by suggesting I have another baby. I might have just crossed the "is she fat or pregnant?" stage and gone into the "I'm *pretty sure* she's pregnant but I might still be wrong so I'd best not say anything.." stage. Hah. Well anyway I'm still looking forward to the rest of the pregnancy and what is in store for me as a mum of 4! The question is, will it be a mum of 4 boys or a mum of 3 boys and a girl? Time will tell! (and yes, I'm eagerly awaiting my next scan appointment which should be late October time!)

Baby 4- 9 weeks 3 days update

I had my booking in midwife appointment on Tuesday (at 9 week 1 day). It went well and despite being kept waiting in the waiting room for 20 minutes, I was out 10 minutes early from the appointment! The midwife who booked me in wasn't my usual one, but she said she recognised me. I didn't at first but on my way back home it suddenly occurred to me that it might have been one of the midwives who came out for a postnatal checkup after Daniel was born. The checks all went OK. Blood pressure, and wee fine. They checked my height and weight, I was in the normal range which is good because I've gained 2 stone since last year. Doh. Got the usual talks about what to avoid eating/drinking. Got my blood test forms. First one being the booking bloods, the other one being the GTT I have to take at 16 weeks due to prior gestational diabetes and close family history of type 2.

I went to get my bloods done this morning with the boys. I talked them through how I expected them to behave in the waiting room while we were in the car, got them to choose a book from the house before we left. They were as good as GOLD. They sat beautifully and looked at their books. I read Daniel's one to him, the other two sat and read to themselves. I was so proud! It was lovely to get smiles from the other people waiting room rather than frowns. When it was our turn to go in, the boys stood and watched and asked questions to the woman taking my blood. Daniel kept saying to the woman "you a doctor?" and she kept saying she wasn't but Daniel wasn't having any of it! Haha! "you doctor!" "no no I'm not a doctor." "you are!" Robert and Christopher were fascinated watching the blood come out of my arm and we're concerned it was going to hurt. I said a little bit, but they could help me be brave. After the blood was taken, they wanted to hold the tubes, which the lady was happy to let them do. Robert marvelled that they were warm, and then said matter of factly, that it is because we are warm blooded. ;) I was very pleased with their behaviour and the questions they asked about the process. Robert also asked why they put the band on my upper arm. I love it when learning opportunities present themselves like this. The only thing is that the woman said, "oh, three boys? I bet you hope this one is a girl!" which I am sure I will be sick of hearing by the time I'm half way through my pregnancy let alone near the end. Any good comebacks to this? Apart from repeating over and over "I'll be happy whatever as long as the baby is healthy" the truth is that while I would love a girl, I feel like I am a mum of boys now. It will be odd if I do end up with a girl. :) what will be will be! We will end up finding out around the end of October or the beginning of November. Seems a long way off yet but I'm sure it will go so fast!

33 weeks - pregnancy stuff, nappy stuff, kid stuff

So, 33 weeks and counting here! I'm getting SO big now, and achy. Waddling already, rolling off the sofa like a beached whale, that kind of thing. I'm enjoying having a big ol' pregnant tummy, but boy I forgot how exhausting it is! And I think sometimes that I have SEVEN more weeks to go. SEVEN! Which is an age away, and when people dare to say it's not that long, they face the pregnant woman's wrath ;) Seven weeks more growing, bigger belly, possibly swelling to come. But for now, it's manageable.

Heartburn comes and goes in waves - some days/weeks it's awful then it goes away for a while. I had a couple of nights last week which were awful, one night I couldn't sleep til I took some gaviscon (which I will avoid taking like the plague!). The next night it seemed to feel as bad so I took some before I went to bed, which was a much smarter thing to do.

Baby boy is now squirming and pushing arms and legs around in there rather than fierce kicks. Goes to show how big he is getting and that he's already running out of room. He definitely has his more active moments, which can leave me feeling rather breathless and sore!

The midwives appointments I've had this pregnancy are going well - my body seems to cope very well with it, I've never had a high blood pressure reading, nor anything show up in my wee. Baby is growing well too and was measuring 34cm on my visit last week at 32w6d.

I have my homebirth assessment visit early next month when I'll be 36 weeks. Seems crazy that I'm so close to the end already. I mentioned to my dad that I'm having another homebirth, and well, he didn't say much but what he did say made it clear he wasn't sure I was doing the right thing by that (but tried to sound supportive in saying that it was my choice lol). But I'm convinced it will be fine, after all, I have the experience of two births behind me, and taken things from each one.

Jonathan and I are busy preparing for the visit, as well as getting all the bits in the house ready that we want to be sorted before the baby arrives. It's a LONG list but we managed to sort out the boys' room (I say we, it was mostly Jonathan), with the boys' new beds, and moved the cot back into our room. We still have a lot more tidying to do, and cleaning too but our hoover's fan belt has broken so we can't vacuum anything now until that gets replaced. Next on the agenda is the stairs, hallway and our bedroom, as we are getting our new bed delivered at the end of the month. Then will be the old study getting sorted, and things being brought down to the new study. And the lounge as well. The boys bedroom looks great now - so much more roomy despite the two beds in there being bigger than the two beds that were there previously! Robert has a single bed now, and Christopher has Robert's old cotbed that's seen him through from birth until almost 4 and a half.

Christopher's speech has suddenly come on loads in the last few weeks. His vocabulary (though still unrecognisable to a lot of people) has exploded, and he is now joining several words together a lot of the time. He is still enjoying his jigsaw puzzles, although he is doing them by choice less often, and most surprisingly to me, he is learning letter sounds!! I know that second children pick stuff up from older siblings, but for goodness sake, he's 2 and a half and he knows the sounds for g, c, e, o, s, l, z, p, k, and less reliably for a, d, t, f, i, r. I bought the boys some foam letters for the bath today, so they played with them in the bath. Robert is coming on so well with reading and knowing how to spell simple words. I need to focus on him actually physically writing the words down too, but with pre-made letter shapes he will spell out all kinds of words, and even had a go at spelling elephant - it came out "elft" but I was still so proud! I also began to teach him about the magic e - by putting down words like "kit" and "win" and then adding an e and telling him they change the sound of the i, and did a few more words for him to practice on, all with i tonight. I know he's not specifically going to be learning how to read until he starts reception, but I figure that as he's enthusiastic, it can't hurt to give him a head start! He already knows that oo make the ooooooh sound, and ee make the sound of the letter E, so he can read words like "poo" and "sleep". He even spelt out "peas" by himself, writing "peez" :)

It's lovely to see both of the boys new achievements, and how also they feed into each other. Christopher is suddenly much more affectionate these days, and often catches sight of me and says "mummy uck!" (mummy hug) and comes and gives me a cuddle. It also makes my day when I hear him say "Booboo uck!" because that's his way of saying "Robert hug" - Booboo is his name for Robert!! So sweet! Robert to himself used to be "Ubberd". Christopher has yet to refer to himself by name though :) Christopher's new favourite phases/words though - by FAR - unfortunately, are "no WAY!" and "YUCK!" which we hear several times a day. I try to encourage "No thank you" rather than "No WAY!" but I often can't stop myself laughing! Ooops.

On other news, I have bought some cloth nappies!! Well, ordered them anyway. I have a few already I bought cheaply from someone on facebook, hardly used, and some from freegle which well.. I'm assuming have seen better days. I'm not sure if I can get those worthy for use, we'll see. But I've bought 12 minky pocket nappies, 9 with poppers and 3 with velcro, that go from birth to potty. So exciting!! I can't wait to get them, it also means I can have a go with Christopher!! :) I've ordered some extra inserts to go with them too, to bring my order total above £60 as my local government give £25 cashback on cloth nappy purchases over £60. So a little over £35 for 12 pocket nappy wraps, and 44 insert pads isn't bad at all! :) And they're so perdy!!! Oooh I can't wait to share photos!!

Anyway I'll leave this here for now, I've rambled on enough and it's getting late. :)

25 weeks - midwife update and thoughts on name

So I'm 25 weeks today!  I've had times of feeling very uncomfortably pregnant, and well, I've still got around 15 weeks to go!  I can only imagine how uncomfortable I'll be 3 months from now if I'm already getting spates of it now!

Midwife appointment went well.  I seem to cope with pregnancy very well, my wee is always clear, my blood pressure is always fine.  My tummy was measuring 26 weeks, so 1 week ahead.  Probably all the chocolate and biscuits I've been scoffing since Christmas... must start snacking less now!!

Anyway, after my last post where I talked about bonding, and people asking about the name, and if there was compromise, well I don't think the first name is negotiable.  Jonathan's had this name in his head since Robert was in utero, and since I was the one who mainly wanted a third baby, I agreed to let him have the name if it was another boy.  We had agreed though that the middle name would be my choice.  But since I was thinking the middle name "should be" a family name, one that honoured a family member, I kind of felt it was one of two choices - both of which I didn't particularly love, and I would most likely put the back of one of my parents up either way.  So I'm wondering whether to just choose a name I love - one that I would have wanted to call him as a first name.

5 days old

I would have been 39 weeks pregnant today, but instead I have had my little Christopher here for 5 whole days :) We are slowly settling into a routine, getting our tactics sorted out for how to get a semi decent night's sleep. Robert if I remember rightly slept 5 hours at a time from when we got him home, but then he was 6 days old by the time we got him home so maybe.. just maybe! Hehe! Christopher last night slept for about 3 hours between feeds, which was better than the last two nights so fingers crossed for something similar tonight. I was awake though from 3am at least last night though with painfully engorged breasts, and so in the end I decided to get up, and hand express some. I again got 2oz, but from just the one breast that time and although it was still quite engorged I was at least able to get some sleep.

I have been using Robert as a pump when he's been awake and willing. He sometimes refuses if I offer, if the other thing on offer seems better at the time ;) This morning he nursed for a long time, emptying one breast and having a good go at the other, before Christopher woke up. He also nursed alongside Christopher during the day once, and another time when I was simply holding his baby brother he came and asked for milky. Then again this evening he nursed from both breasts so hopefully engorgement won't be as bad tonight. The first tandem feed showed that Robert was quite possessive over my breasts, he tried to pull Christopher off by his legs! But now he simply looks over from time to time, with interest, or indifference. He occasionally reaches over and holds Christopher's hand while nursing as well which is sweet :)

He seems to find Christopher very fascinating right now, and loves to sit and watch him, and although we've now told him not to touch Christopher's face, he does still now try and put his whole hand covering Christopher's face (which is slightly better than poking his eyes out I suppose, he doesn't cover it in a manner that would suffocate him). When I feed Robert on our bed with Christopher in the cot, if Christopher makes a noise, Robert will look up and smile as he watches his baby brother for a while before continuing to nurse :)

Sometimes I do see Robert in Christopher, but other times he looks completely different! I think because Christopher is sooo much smaller than Robert was at birth it is hard to see similarities, because Christopher's face is more wrinkled up.

Christopher was weighed today when the midwife came over. He has lost 7% of his birth weight which is in the acceptable limits, so now weighs a diddy 6lb 15oz. I never had a weighing with Robert at this stage, but he was weighed at 2 weeks and he was back to his birth weight exactly then. I do hope that Christopher gains back to his birth weight well by the time he's two weeks old. I guess over the next week he will be getting a fair amount of mature milk and will hopefully be less sleepy and will feed longer.

I'm starting to get some after pains now, I thought I'd skipped them as I didn't get anything really before today. That combined with I guess the drop of hormones and general "after birth" body changes has given me slight uneasy feelings, which I'm confident will pass although having remembered them with Robert it does worry me a little but I know I will be able to keep an eye on my feelings and Jonathan will be as well. The fact that I have had a much better birth experience and been able to bond straight away with Christopher, and the fact that it all isn't quite so "new" is comforting to me, and knowing that all I really have to do is take things one step at a time and everything will be ok. Those feelings did pass with Robert, and they will pass if I get them to any stage with Christopher as well.

Something which I will be starting off at is beginning to lose this weight. I might have mentioned before but I want to get down to 12 stone by this time next year, which only means me losing 39lb (I weighed in at 14 stone 11lb yesterday which I am pleased at, less than 3 stone to lose this year!) and will put me at a BMI at just into overweight rather than obese. Of course I might even lose more and be into the healthy range, but 12 stone is a goal I am happy with for now. My appetite isn't very big right now, normal sized meals leave me feeling bloated, so I might well not even be trying to lose weight properly and still managing to!

I am still nervous about my blood sugar, and whether or not my diabetes will stick around. Apparently it can take a few weeks for levels to get back to normal. This morning porridge left me with a reading of 7 which is good for diabetes but I can't remember what porridge used to do to my levels in pregnancy as I never had it very often. I'll be having another GTT in about 5 weeks time to find out if I do still have it, and I really hope I don't, obviously. Anyway will go for now, I'd quite like to sit down and relax with a nice cuppa before I think about waking up the little man. :)

35 weeks 5 days - another hormonal blip

Friday's entry was written amidst my third hormonal blip. I hate them! I hate the fact that I cannot stop crying, and that my head is clouded by emotion and that the next morning, my head clears and I can see and feel things more clearly. I hate that during that day I feel like I don't want my baby or that I won't be able to cope with my baby. I hate the feeling that I am about to sink into days or weeks or months of feeling like that all day every day. I actually get scared because I recognise it all too well from when I was depressed as a teen (6 long months of feeling that way almost every day), and from my PND with Robert. I never had such bad hormonal days with Robert, and it scares me that they keep coming, and I just hope that I'm not having a blip on the day Squidge is being born, as I will need a calm head to relax and know what I'm doing.

I saw my midwife yesterday, and told her about my feelings towards induction, and I told her it was incredibly important to me that I have a positive birth experience this time, which she understood, but she didn't really provide any advice or compromises to help me see through the decision - maybe she feels that it would be unprofessional to do so, and not back the NHS guidelines? Or maybe she thinks it's a decision I have to make.

I must admit though, when my head is clear, I feel more positive about induction than when I'm having a blip. I still don't know if I will have one... but when my head is clear I know that I will cope, and I know there are things I can do to make it easier on myself. Mainly that being to prepare myself mentally for all eventualities, and to get myself thinking about what I would want to happen should my ideals not happen. I think doing that would give me some "control" back which so many women want and need during labour. But of course my hope is that Squidge will decide that s/he wants to make it into the world early by his/her own choice! ;)

I have a busy day coming up on Thursday. I am having my growth scan, followed by a followup appointment in fetal health to analyse the scan, and to assess my cervix and possibly book an induction date. And then after that I'll head into pathology and get them to take my 34 week blood tests (2 weeks late). I've had 3 extra blood tests this pregnancy. Getting quite used to having things stuck in my arms now. Plus all the blood with these prick tests 3 times daily.

One thing I really need to get cracking on is my hospital bag, and Robert's overnight bag. Reading up on induction, he may well need several days worth of clothes in there. I would imagine what would happen is that Robert spend a few days with the in-laws, Jonathan would probably want to be with me during the days, but in the nights unless it is seen that I will be giving birth imminently, Jonathan will probably sleep at his parents so he can spend time with Robert in the morning at least. I don't know what the policy is on children coming in during the induction process, I will have to ask that next Monday at my next midwife appointment, as by then I think I will probably have had to make up my mind either way. But if it is long and drawn out, with me being in hospital for several days BEFORE the birth... I do worry about how Robert will be not seeing me for that long. And how I'll be not seeing HIM for that long! I missed him like crazy when the other week I felt too poorly to look after him alone so the in-laws took him for the day. That was from 11am til 6pm-ish.. so it wasn't even 12 hours. If I'm away from him for 2 or 3 whole days I don't know how I would cope! So worth asking about!

Thanks for reading, and thanks Jemma, Meg and Becca for your comments on the last entry, it meant a lot reading them xxx

28 weeks - mw appointment, diabetes.

As most of you will probably know from facebook, my results came back from the glucose tolerance test as me having "elavated blood sugar levels", which implies that I do indeed have gestational diabetes. I was in complete shock when she told me, I was completely expecting her to say it was fine. So now she has referred me to a diabetes nurse on Wednesday, as well as the consultant on Monday, and will probably get referred to a specialist consultant as well. What a nightmare!

I have no idea what to expect on Monday, what is going to be asked/discussed. I feel a little left out in the wind right now, not knowing what's going on. I feel fine in myself, apart from the odd spate of tiredness which I put down to pregnancy in general. What I'm finding weird is the sheer volume of appointments with various people I have had and been given to attend. Had my MW app at 24+4, then my blood test this monday gone at 27+4, MW at 27+6, got my consultant app on 28+4, diabetic nurse app 28+6, then MW again 29+4. Will likely have more cons apps, diabetic nurse apps, diabetes consultant apps and growth scans along with normal (and extra!!!) MW apps. I feel completely overwhelmed if truth be told.

This combined with needing to get over Robert's birth. I surprisingly had a normal BP after she told me I had diabetes, but I bet if she was to take it now having had time to digest it and everything else, it'd be sky high. And surprise surprise - no glucose in urine. She said she's going to speak to Louise for me regarding a debrief since I've not heard back from the community midwife unit yet.

I am confused following a phone call with my dad (supposed type 2 diabetic who says he never has any problem with it anymore and everyone who sees him regarding his diabetes always says "why are you here?") about the glucose levels she put in my notes, and just how low they've put the threshold for diabetes, as my sugar levels showed up as 8.9 after 2 hours from drinking that drink, 5.1 before hand. So I dunno. I am confused, and overwhelmed, and despite the extra scans I will get to see Squidge again, I am suddenly wishing for the normal pregnancy I appeared to have with Robert.

I am also somewhat selfishly wondering about what sort of diet changes I will have to make. I like my treats, maybe they are becoming more of a regularity than treat these days as the thought that I won't be able to have them anymore is scary. I already eat plenty of fruit and veg, I've made the switch from white to wholegrain bread (Hovis seed sensations, I'm not sure if it counts as wholemeal, but it's surely better than white?). I am worried though that maybe I will carry on having diabetes after Squidge is here. I wonder if I have to cut out all sugar completely. Can I have yoghurts? Can I have jam on my toast in the morning?

And then yesterday I made the mistake of telling Sarah while other people around. Off sparked a discussion amongst everyone in the room on gestational diabetes, how I would now HAVE to have a hospital birth, whether I like it or not, etc. Sigh. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there for the rest of this pregnancy.

Then there's the guilt factor coming in - could my eating habits have made this happen? If I'd been more careful, and treated my treats as such, would I be happily telling people my blood test came back clear? If maybe I wasn't obese in the first place, if I'd made more of an effort to lose the weight before would I be here now?

Well it's 28 weeks today, so it is time for a new belly picture, which I've not got round to taking yet. I'll take it later today. I hope everyone's ok.

27 weeks 5 days - mothers instincts? Name spoiler finally!!

I don't know if it's because of the several dreams I have had now, but I can't help but think of Squidge as a little girl. Last night I was laying in bed, Squidge was being overly active, which was lovely and I was just watching my belly wobble around, feeling the little pokes wriggles and (for the first time this pregnancy!!) hiccups! I lay there looking fondly at my bump and allowing myself to daydream about little Erin (yes I finally succumbed, there you go!! That's our girl's name!!) joining us in October, signing cards from Nicola, Jonathan, Robert and Erin. I couldn't help but keep thinking about that name. And then I felt guilty, because what if it's Christopher and not Erin? Christopher still doesn't sit perfectly well in my mind and heart. Whether it's because I don't believe the baby is a boy deep down, or because I am thinking it's a girl because we both like the name Erin so much, I don't know.

I so want to tell myself that it's a boy. I just know so many people who are having girls and only a couple who are having boys so I just feel that for that reason I'll have another boy because then it'll be more even. I know it doesn't work like that but I can't help but think it. I'm actually terrified that by allowing myself to whole heartedly believe that the baby is a girl, that by thinking "Erin" automatically when I look at my bump, and feel the baby move, that I'm setting myself up for huge disappointment when I find out that I'm not having my Erin afterall. I can't believe what started out as a small niggly feeling in the back of my mind has now turned into such an overpowering feeling it's completely overriden my "boy" thoughts completely.

I keep thinking about the growth scans I am likely to get. Keep thinking "there's still that chance to find out". And I still think that although the urge gets stronger every day to find out the sex, will I be hugely disappointed that I caved in and disallowed myself the surprise? Part of me is looking forward to the surprise at the birth so much, but part of me now, with these overwhelming "it's a girl" thoughts is getting me scared that I will not accept a boy so lovingly in my mind if it's a surprise, especially since I have a leaning towards wanting a girl this time.

Every time I hear about someone who's found out they're having a girl, I inwardly groan, like it makes it less likely that I'm having one! How crazy is that?! I know that at the end of the day I will love my tiny baby boy just as much as if he were a girl, because I thought the same with Robert, I wanted him to be a girl, he wasn't, but I love him so much and wouldn't make him a girl for the world now! Wouldn't change a thing about him. He makes me so proud every day.

Anyway that's enough rambling about that. Tomorrow I will be having my 28 week midwife appointment, she will let me know the results of the glucose tolerance test I had yesterday, and do all the routine checks, and I'll talk to her about my birthing worries and my dreams and see what she says about that. I've not heard back from the community midwife office yet regarding my debrief on Robert's birth so I'll see what happens tomorrow.

24 weeks 5 days - update on my little monsters!

Well I'm back from holiday as you probably know. I will update about the holiday in another post, as only the first day's photos of the holiday have been sorted out and I would like to just put it all in together.

The holiday must have done Robert some good for his development, since we've been away, he has turned into such a little chatterbox! Still not many words or sentences of any kind, but his chattering has become a lot more conversational, AND he has added many more words to his vocabulary, and is using existing ones a lot more! He now says (of the top of my head) car, chair, again, blue, peas, spoon, erm... argh having a mental block.. there are at least a handful more words he's said but I can't remember them right now! Car is by far his most used word. If he sees a car go past, he exclaims "Car!" if he sees a parked car, "Car!" if he's playing with cars, "Car!" hahaha! He's also trying to count, he just says "da" but he gets the counting tone just right while he's doing it with the voice going higher at the end! Hehehe!

He will be 19 months old tomorrow. He is growing up so fast, it's almost like if I blink he will suddenly be 18 and going off to uni or getting a job or something! Some days I look at him and think "wow, he is getting so BIG" and when I see him with other children I think he does look big compared to them. And then other times I look at him (usually when he's standing next to Jonathan, where he barely seems to be a third of Jonathan's height) and he looks tiny, my little sweet boy!

I do feel guilty sometimes, if I have a bad day where Robert is being particularly demanding (I wouldn't say naughty, just inquisitive, or testing boundaries) and I've found him hard to deal with, I moan on my facebook a lot. And reading back, it does sound like I am so ungrateful for him, that I don't enjoy being a mum at all. Which isn't the case, I love him to bits, but of course sometimes I guess it doesn't come off like that, and I hate that people might think I don't love my son, so I'm trying so hard not to sound off on facebook regarding Robert. If I have a hard day for other reasons I will put it on there. I guess it's just one of those things you have to think twice about!

With regards to Squidge, well I saw the midwife yesterday afternoon. She took my blood pressure (110/65) and tested my urine which was clear, then she measured me, and Squidge is measuring a whopping 28cm! I thought she only measured me at 28 weeks with Robert but maybe she wanted to measure me earlier due to his size, or maybe I'm mis-remembering. She then told me that she wanted me to get a glucose tolerance test to check for gestational diabetes if I was happy to do that, and she also said she'd like me to see a consultant. She basically explained that as I was thinking about a home birth they want to take as much precaution as possible to make sure that what happened with Robert doesn't happen again, so if Squidge is as big or bigger than Robert, we'll have to discuss things with the consultant and see where we go. I know I'm not a medical expert, but from the way Robert's body was born immediately when I stood up and pushed, that implies to me that it wasn't shoulder dystocia but rather bad positioning previously especially considering Robert's size.

But either way she made it clear to me that it would be very much a two sided conversation, and my opinions and feelings would be considered, and that if I decided to go ahead with the home birth that I would be supported in this decision. I told her that I hadn't 100% decided on a home birth, that I am keeping an open mind and will see what happens, but also that I expected the same from my care givers, that they would keep an open mind for me as well. I think that seeing that I wasn't just steadfastedly demanding that I have a home birth no matter what, that I was considering the views of her and that I would consider what the consultant said, has made her more open to me and my wants, which is good.

I'm pleased in a way that I am getting the GTT and seeing the consultant, because it shows they are going out of their way to try and make things easier on me, and while it still seems to me that I have a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy at the moment, it does give me comfort that I'm not just being left to my own devices like I was with Robert. If that makes sense!

Anyway! Squidge is really quite the wriggler. Last night as I laid down, he started squirming SO much it felt like arms and legs were poking out all over, if the light hadn't been off it would have been quite some viewing! lol! Sometimes when I feel Squidge move or kick it's sort of easy to imagine how someone COULD put them off as wind, or muscle twitches, or whatever. But I was laying down and feeling Squidge fight his way through my skin almost last night and wondered how anyone could possibly feel something like that and not know they were pregnant!

With Robert I commented on his 24 week bump picture as him being such a wriggler, and then on the 28 week one I said I don't know how I thought he was so active back then as he got so much more active since then! So god knows what Squidge'll be like in another 4 weeks! And will Squidge be measuring 4 weeks ahead still when I next see the midwife! I will be updating the belly gallery soon, I took some when I was 24+1 in Cornwall so when I get the photos I'll be adding them! :)

Anyway, I have a lot of sorting out, tidying, cleaning, unpacking to be getting on with, possibly another load of washing from the holiday to get in the machine. I want to rearrange the living room! I want more room!!! Arghh! I want next door to put their house up for sale so we can buy it and knock it into one big giant super house! haha! But it's unlikely as it's rented out :( Anyway, that's all for now, hope you all had a great week!

15 weeks 5 days - heartbeat! And a dream!

Well I am so very very nearly 16 weeks pregnant now. How is this possible???!! It was only a couple of weeks ago I was sitting on the edge of my bath holding a positive pregnancy test in my shaking hand! That was when I was 4 weeks pregnant exactly! It seems absolutely crazy how fast this pregnancy is whizzing by. But to be honest I don't mind that the last 12 weeks have whizzed by, the first 16 weeks of pregnancy are the worst in my opinion. Before the 12 week scan you have NO idea how things are going. You just plod on, hoping that lack of cramps and bleeding is a good sign that all is going how it should. Then you get that magical day when you see your tiny baby and KNOW that you didn't imagine that line on the test, that there really is a real little baby inside you all snug, and that it's alright, and not an alien, or anything else for that matter! But then you have a month to wait for the next real sign that baby is ok, seeing the midwife and hearing the heartbeat. I have felt baby kick before I went to see her but I had forgotten just how slight the first kicks are. How easy it is to doubt yourself as to whether those little pops and bubbly feelings were baby kicking or just wind in your gut.

Yesterday I heard Squidge's heartbeat. What a lovely sound! She put the doppler on my belly, and that VERY instant, there was the baby's heartbeat! How lovely she found it straight away, no 5 second wait worrying she wouldn't find it, there it was! Hearing that heartbeat was just wonderful, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And confirmation that the little pops unaccompanied by any obvious wind (sorry!) were my little Squidge kicking away in there! S/he is about the size of a pear now, about 11cm long from crown to rump (just over 4 inches) and weighs about 3oz. S/he is beginning to hiccup in preparation for breathing, and is also learning to grab his/her umbilical cord and grasp it! How amazing that in just 3 and a half short months they can go from being a single cell, a fertilised egg, into a being that is just a tiny, perfect little person, growing and learning day by day even inside the uterus, learning how to survive in the world outside Mummy's tummy.

The night before my midwife appointment, I had a dream, my FIRST baby related dream since conception (that I remember!). I was in labour, about to give birth to my baby. I wasn't in hospital, I was in a place I don't really remember, or recognise from my dream particularly, but it was dim, with a soft reddish/brown hue. It was a quick and easy labour, and baby was being born, even though I remember there were no midwives here yet!! But I was calm, and birthed my baby, reaching down to receive it. When it was born, I pulled it up and onto my chest, where I breathed in every detail. My little baby was absolutely perfect in every way, and I held it, and prayed that it would cry so I knew it was ok. It did cry, briefly, which was the most wonderful sound ever! I suddenly realised that I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl! So I looked, and it was a girl! We had no name for her, but I spent the next while in my dream just cuddling my baby girl, she suckled a bit at my breast, and it was just WONDERFUL. The midwife had finally turned up, and eventually they weighed my baby girl, and she weighed in at 9lb 15oz! Just 1oz short of Robert's birth weight, but I remember thinking "wow, just 1oz less than Robert and she was a week early too!"

It was just such a wonderful, peaceful dream, and I didn't want to wake up! And who knows if my dream was right, only one thing is determined right now, and that's Squidge's gender. So my dream has a 50/50 chance of being right. However, the other two parts of my dream aren't determined yet, so just imagine if they turn out to be true too, that Squidge is a week early, and weighs 9lb 15oz! I will be looking forward eagerly to more dreams. I love pregnancy dreams! For the most part, I had a couple of disturbing dreams (mainly erotic ones with people who I REALLY shouldn't be doing or WANTING to do erotic things with!!!) but they were mostly fun and interesting :) Especially the baby related dreams!

8 weeks 1 day - midwife appointment

Well, I had my midwife appointment a couple of days ago. It went really well. :) I know it's only my first one, but blood pressure was "very good" at 110/55, wee was clear, and we had quite a long chat about bits and bobs. She asked me straight out "what are you going to do with this one?" which got me wondering what she meant, but she elaborated, was I going to have another home birth this time. And while I've not made my mind up 100% I am thinking yes, but it won't be another water birth. She said to me (after I asked her for her opinion) that they would recommend a hospital birth after the way Robert's home birth went, but they would honour my wishes. And I said that with the benefit of hindsight, I think this birth would go better than Robert's, as I wouldn't give birth on my back (or reclined as I was), I would give birth squatting, and not in water.

But she went through all the normal forms, asked me about my periods, at which point I *ahem* fibbed a little, and gave my LMP as a couple of days before it actually was, and said that I didn't know how long my cycles were because *ahem* that was my first and only period since Robert was born. She dated me as 30th September due date but I know it's actually 5-7th October. I then found out in the evening when Sarah came around that she has her scan at 12 weeks not 14 like she said before... so I'll probably have mine at 11 weeks! LOL! Ah well! And then have to wait another 5 weeks after for my midwife appointment. But it'll mean we can see baby sooner, and tell the parents sooner :) So I'm looking forward to getting the mail with my scan date. :)

She also took my booking bloods then and there, which was great because it meant I didn't have to go back another day. She was pleased when I told her that I was A positive blood type "Ah good, a nice common one" lol ;)

Although I keep spotting (I had some the morning of my appointment) I have a good feeling about the pregnancy. I just know it's going to go ok. But then I think you do have to tell yourself that anyway. At least in the beginning weeks. I think the first 16 weeks, until you hear the heartbeat for the first time, are a constant worry. Until you start feeling baby move, you just have to have faith all is ok. Even when you get the scan and all is ok then, you do just worry that the next time you have a checkup they won't find the heartbeat.

With regards to my scan, I have decided not to have the nuchal test. I had it with Robert, and got my results in the post. Low risk. It was then that I realised, ok, what does that actually mean? Nothing! I might be that 1 in 1000 or whatever that has the baby with downs. It's still possible, just not probable. So this time I have decided against it. I would not terminate a downs baby. I saw the beginning of a youtube video (it was linked on the side of a 4d scan video) an anti-abortion video, and OMG I immediately regretted clicking on it. How anyone could do that to a baby, THEIR baby.. the pain the poor thing must feel. I don't know if there are more humane ways of doing it but still... it almost made me sick. But anyway, I digress. I saw no point of the nuchal test, so it will simply be a dating scan. Some people have said that some hospitals do it so that if it comes back under 12 weeks they give you another in a couple of weeks time to check the growth. I don't know if Kettering does that, but we shall see.

I'll be expecting my scan date through about a week after my midwife appointment, so maybe around next tuesday. By the time my scan date comes through I could be only 2 weeks away from having a scan! :D And I most likely will get one before Easter now, so once we get the date through we can organise things with the family :) And go and get 3 frames ready ;) I'm so excited. I can't wait to see our parents' faces! I talked for quite a long time on MSN to my mum last night, and somehow I managed to not tell her, but also not tell her about Sarah's pregnancy. If I told her that Sarah was pregnant, she'd start questioning me about how I felt about it, and if I was, or whatever, so I just didn't tell her at all :) Although part of me is wondering if Jonathan's parents are beginning to suspect, what with my doctors appointment and the fact it took an hour from when I left to when I got back (I did say I was waiting a long time lol) and my extreme tiredness, and I have been wondering if I have been talking about Sarah's pregnancy too much, or Robert's. And when the scan DOES come through, I asked the midwife if they allowed children in there, and she said they don't... so we're going to have to come up with a pretty good excuse as to why they'll babysit at a pretty weird time (in the middle of the week, possibly middle of the morning or afternoon). Any ideas??? lol! The only thing I can think of is that Jonathan tells his parents he's booked the day off and that he's taking me out as a surprise or something! And hope it doesn't fall on a Thursday as they're generally unable to help on a Thursday. Or.... Jonathan could take Robert over there in the morning, saying I'm tired, pretend he's going off to work, but come back and pick me up (or hide me in the car while he takes Robert in) and then we head off to Kettering for the scan, then go back home and Jonathan goes off to work in the afternoon, and his parents bring back Robert in the afternoon. Hmmm that could work if it's a morning appointment! If it's an afternoon appointment we might have to think again!

7 weeks 4 days - names! Argh!

I know we have another 32 weeks to think of names, but yesterday throughout the whole day I spent going through page after page of names, and finally got through the whole lot with a fairly decent sized shortlist for both boys and girls. Jonathan had a look at them (granted it wasn't a very long look) but he immediately vetoed 2 of the 9 girls names and 3 of the boys names (definitely, no way he was going to have those names kinda thing) and he also told me that he didn't actually like ANY of the boys names I'd chosen at ALL, apart from one, maybe. Which really disappointed me actually, as I'd chosen names that lept out at me, I really like all of them (although I must say the only one he "sort of" likes is the one I like least! Argh!), and I knew that a couple he would say a definite no to, but there were 3 of them I thought he would like!!! They are quite traditional names, not "made up" sounding, they've been around a long time if you know what I mean. And one that I really do really really like, he said "sounded like a girl's name"!!! That one being Darrell (or Darryl). Another one he said sounded "too Scottish" (!!) and another he said was "too old fashioned"! Those being Callum and Samuel. I really thought those 3 he would like. So I am really quite disappointed.

So I told him to go through a baby names website and come up with his own list of names, as he really didn't like any of the ones I've chosen :(

Although, good news is that the girls list I came up with had more luck! One of the names he did really like (and it wasn't Chloe lol, I didn't put that on the list because if he did he would have just said "oh, chloe, you like that so let's go for that because I really like it!" I might reconsider it in a few months time but we will see how I feel!), and it's one I really like too! He didn't like Penelope, or Jayleen, or Cailyn ("sounds too much like Caitlyn and sounds wrong") But there is one name that might well be a good girl's name contender :) I'll keep it a secret for now! But we'll see what Jonathan comes up with. I'm just so gutted that he doesn't like any of the boys names I suggested. But at the same time I don't want him to just succumb to what I want, I want him to really like it too! And feel like he's had an intregal part of choosing this baby's name. We shall have to see I guess.

Midwife appointment in 3 days! (well, 2 and a half ish) I am very eager to get my scan appointment through, and am hoping that it is in March but I fear I might be setting myself up for huge disappointment in that respect when it turns out to be April, which would mean I would either have to post-pone my dad's visit, or make another trip within the next week or two to go see him with his surprise! Maybe I'll see if I can make the appointment myself, if I can find the right phone number! Anyway that's about it for today. We're going to see Aunty Naomi whose birthday it is today, hopefully the snow won't be too much trouble! :)

Robert's sleep was very erratic yesterday. He fell asleep on me downstairs (!) at 10.30am, we moved upstairs at 11am, and he slept then until 12.30. Then he slept for another hour at 4pm (!) which I was amazed at, he hasn't had two naps for MONTHS!

Then went to bed around 8-8.30 or so. However, he was up screaming at 3am, having had moans every half hour for the previous 3 hours.

He's acted tired a LOT this morning, and have just in the last few minutes put him in his cot but he's crying and will see if he'll settle, will go and settle him if he hasn't in a few minutes.

I have no idea what the day will bring regarding naps, or how his sleep will go tonight, but it's just a case of wait and see I think!

I am needing to nap every day. I am physically and mentally exhausted. And even if I go to bed early, more often than not I am still awake when Jonathan comes to bed, due to thoughts swirling around in my mind for hours keeping me awake! Last night wasn't so bad for that luckily, but due to aforementioned 3am waking I am still absolutely knackered, my eyelids are so heavy!

I am still having spotting regularly. That's all it is though, spotting. The second it progresses into more severe bleeding I'm phoning up the doctor. It's bright red spotting so it is always worrying me a little, but as it's not much, and clears up quickly, I am still confident it is just implantation.

I have my first midwife appointment booked, for Tuesday 23rd February at 3pm. The timing is a bit of a pain actually as Tuesday afternoons is when the in-laws come over, MIL looks after Robert while FIL takes me shopping. And as we are keeping it a secret from family and friends until we have the scan, I can't tell them I have a midwife appointment! So I'll either cancel, say I don't need to go shopping, and take Robert with me, or I'll tell them I have a smear test, and take a big bag to hide the folder I'll be given.

Anyway, I have to go... Robert is still screaming, he won't settle at all even though I can tell he's tired, it's got to the stage where he's screaming in a screechy manner even though I keep going in there to sing and re-settle him.. Argh! Remind me why I wanted another!!!

Robert's birth story

On the 22nd November (Saturday) I had been getting irregular contractions for most of the day. Or rather, they would seem regular, and then stop for hours. And feel mostly periody. We went to bed as normal, and then probably around 4 or 4.30am on the Sunday morning, I woke up feeling more contractions, but this time they felt different. I stayed in bed for a while, getting more and more certain that this was it. At 5am, I finally decided to get up and ring the labour ward to let them know I thought I was in labour. They asked me to describe them and as I hadn't been timing them I didn't know if they were regular or not. I was told it sounded like I was in early labour and just to try and get some more sleep for now.

How I got any more sleep I don't know, but I woke up again around 7.30am, they were still coming frequently, and I finally decided to get up and start timing them using the contraction master on the internet. At first I found it difficult to pinpoint the start and end of each one, but after about half an hour I was more certain, and sure enough they were coming around every 5 minutes (well, between 4 and 7) and lasting for about 50 seconds. After about an hour or so of timing them, I phoned the labour ward back, and told them how far apart they were and how long they were lasting. They again told me it didn't sound like I was too far along but they did agree it sounded like I was in labour, and told me they would get a midwife to call us to see if we wanted her to come along and see how far I was. I went back to bed with the phone beside me, telling Jonathan what was happening, and tried to get a bit more sleep while waiting for the phone call. However around 9am or so the doorbell rang, I went and got my dressing gown on and went to answer it, and it was the midwife who had decided to come along without phoning up first.

After observing me for a while, she thought that the contractions I were having weren't doing anything productive, as I wasn't in any pain with them, although I was feeling them getting progressively more intense, I simply was using my breathing techniques to get through them. She listened in to Robert's heartbeat as I lay down on the sofa, and then did an internal to check my progress, and she said I was 4 cm dilated, so evidently the contractions WERE doing what they were meant to! ;) She said it was okay for me to get in the birth pool straight away as soon as it was inflated, and she said she'd go away and come back later, or at 12 if we didn't call her before.

When the midwife went, Jonathan poured me a bath for me to get in while he was sorting out the birth pool, which I just about managed to squeeze into! I stayed in it for a while until I got too uncomfortable with it being so small. While I was in there the midwife called back, asking if it was okay to have a student as well as the two midwives present. I said it was okay, although the room did end up being rather cramped!

The birth pool was being filled from the upstairs taps, and I sat on the sofas, using my relaxation techniques and listening to the music to help me get through the contractions which were becoming more and more intense and difficult to breathe through. I was managing okay though, and still felt positive about the experience.

I got in the pool once it was filled, and it did feel good to be in there where I didn't feel squashed. I wasn't wearing any clothes simply because it felt more comfortable. The midwives turned up with the student (also called Nicola, which was disconcerting if the midwives talked to her), and I did feel a little self conscious at first what with being naked! But I thought �sod it� and just stayed there, focussing on how I was feeling. Eventually the midwife who'd come over before, Jan, asked to do another internal, which she did in the water with difficulty. She said I was 7cm, and more or less as soon as she'd finished, I felt the strongest urge to start bearing down, which scared me a little because she'd just said I was only 7cm! But she simply said �Good!� when I told her.

This I think was where the problems started. I simply wasn't prepared for how it was going to feel bringing him down the birth canal, and because of this I began to hold back, and not let my body do what it wanted to do. The feeling I am referring to, is of course as you will know if you've given birth vaginally, the feeling that you are delivering your baby through your anus instead of your vagina. I was expecting it to happen when the baby crowned, not all the way through the 2nd part of labour. Anyway, for a while I carried on, and eventually the midwife pulled Jonathan out to tell him that things weren't progressing well, and that she wanted to help things along somehow. Jonathan refused, asking her to wait for a while to see if things would speed up on their own. They didn't however, and I was becoming exhausted from the effort of the contractions and getting no progress.

At some point around now I asked them to get my Mum in from outside. She'd arrived several hours earlier and was sitting out in the car so she wouldn't get in our way. I sent her the text when I was 4cm dilated and she arrived much earlier than we were expecting her to.

It took all my energy to move from my back onto my front leaning on the edge of the pool, as the midwives asked of me to try and get things going. Which they did, and I heard them saying with each contraction then how much better things were going, but it still wasn't good enough. They asked me to drink between each one, and I was struggling to simply lift my head high enough to drink from the straw. But as I was going on and getting further along, I felt more encouraged and somehow managed to get some energy back, enough to keep calling out �It feels like I'm giving birth through my arse!�. I moved back into the previous position, and the midwives kept saying how well I was doing. All I remember was feeling like my contractions were on top of each other, being sooo uncomfortable, and that annoying student kept asking me if she could listen to Robert's heartbeat. In the end I did end up actually pushing rather than breathing Robert out, simply because I felt like breathing him out had no effect at all. After a while (it was probably a few hours), Robert crowned, and I could feel the stretch on my vagina. I hadn't done the perenial massage as much as I should have, because I couldn't reach it easily, and I didn't like to ask Jonathan to do it every day. I tried to hold back when I felt it burning but eventually the midwife said to me �"Okay, Nicola, it needs to happen now, he needs to come out" so in the end despite the pain (that's the only bit I really think of as painful still � the rest was simply extremely uncomfortable), I pushed his head out.

They told me that he had lots of dark hair! I almost didn't want to believe it! When I put my hand down, I was quite shocked with what I felt � it felt almost squidgy and slimy. Which was probably to do with the fact his hair was underwater and that makes it feel softer than it would normally! From then on, it took seven minutes apparently to get his shoulders out. I remember pushing and pushing as hard as I could to get them out and they just wouldn't come! I felt like crying because I really was trying my best and nothing I was doing was getting them out. I even tried pushing without a contraction behind me, which was so difficult and of course didn't work.

Then the midwives told me urgently to get out of the pool. Hearing the urgency in their voices made me scared, even though it was so difficult to move in labour, I stood up, keeping my legs apart because of course Robert's head was between them! I squatted ever so slightly, gave a push, and gravity did what 7 minutes of pushing didn't do, and Robert was born apparently with a splash (although I didn't hear it). Someone fished him out of the water, and I held him, briefly. His head was blue, almost black, it seemed to me. The rest of his body was blueish purple. I held him in shock, before the midwives asked me to give him to them, which I did of course, not really thinking. Still attached to him via the umbilical cord, I struggled out of the pool while they grabbed some towels and started vigorously rubbing him. He was limp and just lay there in their arms. I was just standing there in shock, my legs feeling weak yet I thought I couldn't move because of the cord. They started to pump air into him using the hand held bulb thing, and called out for someone to call an ambulance. The door out to the hallway phone was blocked, so I started screaming out for my Mum who was in the kitchen, to get the phone. Before she could hear me and get it though, the student midwife called on her mobile phone for one. But my mum came in, having finally heard me scream, and she was amazing, she sat me down, got me towels to wrap up in, and got Jonathan to come and sit down next to me (at the time he was sitting on the other side of the living room on the floor, crying and begging Robert to start breathing). She kept telling me that Robert would be fine, that he was in the best hands. As much as I wanted to believe her I just looked on as my son lay there limp, blue, the midwives pumping air into his body and occasionally lifting up an arm and letting it drop. I can't remember when he started breathing on his own, whether it was before or after the paramedics arrived. I can't even remember what the paramedics did, other than one of them every now and then turning to us, and asking �"Is this your first child?"� and when we weakly responded �"yes"�, they said �"congratulations!�"

Robert had by then started breathing on his own, although it was very laboured and he was crying with a little whimper. The midwives then turned their attention to me, saying they had to get the placenta out, so they gave me an injection, and started pressing on my tummy to get it to come out. While they were off trying to get something, I gave a push with a contraction I had, and thought I had delivered the placenta from the large splot that I heard � but unfortunately it was simply a blood clot. They ended up getting it out by pulling on the cord. My mum and one of the midwives helped me into a nightie, dressing gown, and some shoes (high heeled sandles as they were the only thing we could find quickly that my swollen feet would go into!), and they swaddled Robert up into a few towels and put him into the carry cot my mum had brought with her! We made our way out to the ambulance, I was so weak I had to be supported by my mum, plus I was walking in high heels which didn't help!

The ambulance trip seemed to last a lifetime, it was uncomfortable, I felt like I kept sliding off, and I felt too weak to do anything. I was sat there on the seat next to Robert, with Jan opposite me, one of the paramedics sitting next to Robert, and being told by Jan that it was okay to cry. I was just in a state of shock, I simply wasn't able to fully comprehend anything, let alone cry! And I was just so relieved when the ambulance arrived at the hospital, and I got into a wheelchair. My mum had driven Jonathan behind the ambulance because he wasn't in a state to drive. I was taken into a labour room, and Robert was taken into intensive care, but I was just so relieved to be somewhere comfortable. Louise, the second midwife, came in to see if I needed any stitches. She pulled out a bit of membrane which was still hanging out of me, and then poked around to see if I needed stitches and Oh My God. That was more painful than giving birth to Robert's head! I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she stopped! Haha. However then another woman came in to actually do my stitches, and again OWW.. luckily it was only her seeing where they needed to be done that was painful, the local anaesthetic and the actual stitches were fine. It helped that my mum was there to talk to me to keep my mind off things.

After I was done, I had a glass of water then went and had a bath. Jonathan went to see his parents quickly and get some bits while I was in there, and then came and found me. After he helped dry me off I got into a hospital gown, went back into the wheelchair and we went to see Robert. I can't remember much of that, I think I was just glad to get somewhere where I could relax and rest after what had been such a long day. It was gone 11pm by the time we'd started on our way to my room, where they let Jonathan sleep for the night as well.

I'm sure I've missed several things out, but I think I got most of the main points. Apparently the cord was constricted (not around his neck, just the cord itself was blocked somehow) which was why Robert had taken in some of the water, the lack of oxygen from the blocked cord must have made him breathe underwater and what with his head being under for 7 minutes.... it's a miracle he's okay. And we owe the midwives who were at his birth so much for saving his life.

Weepy day yesterday

Yesterday was a bit of an emotional weepy day for me. I guess it didn't help that when Beverley came around for the midwife checkup we got talking about the birth a bit, and she asked how I felt about it. Whenever I think about it I still get upset. She said that the midwives who were at his birth had offered to come over at any stage I wanted to talk about it if I wanted, but I think right now I would just burst into tears and not stop. I think it'll be even some time before I'm ready to write a birth story here, and when I do I'll likely be in tears while writing it. To be honest it's the kind of experience that makes me NOT want to get pregnant again, incase I go through it again. But I am hoping beyond words that it is true that time heals all wounds, and that in time I will be ready to move on and give Robert a little brother or sister. Although that can all wait.

We went on a car trip to see Jonathan's parents last night, had some dinner with them. It was nice to get out of the house although it was quite exhausting, after 2 hours I was ready to go back home. And then as we were putting Robert back into the car (he had started screaming his head off when put in the car seat, even rocking him back and forth wouldn't quieten him, and then as soon as we got outside he stopped, which made us think he was too hot), Jonathan's parents hugged me goodbye, and as Steve hugged me, he whispered in my ear "I'm so proud of you" which made me nearly burst into tears again. I managed to choke out a "thank you" before hugging Betsy and getting into the car, where I also let some tears roll down my cheeks.

The evening was tiring, he doesn't scream incessantly, he's a very good baby really, but boy does he feed. And feed. And feed. Since giving birth, or at least coming home from hospital, my appetite has waned a lot. I used to eat LOADS. Huge portions. Snack constantly throughout the day. Not just when I was pregnant. But now I barely manage to eat three meals a day, which I try and make myself do, for Robert's sake, as he needs me to eat for my milk supply to remain good for him. The day before yesterday all I ate was a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a jacket potato with tinned curry on it for lunch, and two slices of toast for tea. Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal, some sandwiches Jonathan made while I was nursing Robert, (2 rounds, so quite a big lunch), and then a roll and half a bag of crisps at Jonathan's parents.

Another thing I wanted to write about is that since we've been home, in fact maybe as well in hospital waiting to come home, occasionally I've felt ill. Not ill in the sense that I'm sick, but you know when you've done something you know you shouldn't have, or not done something you should have, or are really nervous, and you get that really sicky feeling in the pit of your stomach? I've been getting that a lot. Petrified that it means I'm not going to be able to cope on my own with Robert, that I'll end up spiralling down into oblivion. I know I have Jonathan, I have my Mum, I have Steve and Betsy, all ready to drop anything at a moment's notice to help me.

Anyway, things seem a lot better this morning, partly because my little star of a son decided that he was going to have a MARATHON sleep! We got him to sleep at 11.30pm last night, and he woke for a feed at..... wait for it.... yep it's a good'un.... 7.30am! He slept for EIGHT hours! So we slept for about eight hours too.

Well he's just gone back down for another sleep (hopefully he'll stay asleep!), it's now 10.40am - the entry was kinda cut in the middle to feed him, change him, and bathe him (his first bath at home!). He pooed on the towel as we were drying him - ah well! Little monkey. :) But he's my gorgeous scrumbly little monkey I can't help but fall more in love with him. I absolutely adore his little "baby birdie" expressions when he's rooting around for the breast, and his contented look when he's finally off the breast after a feed. I love looking into his little eyes and wondering what colour they'll turn out to be - I know I said they were deep blue on the first entry I described him, but I think I was just thinking they were blue because babies eyes tend to be blue at birth - his eyes are probably more brown than blue, it's difficult to distinguish his actual eye colour because they do look just a bit murky at the moment. Just simply "dark". They're not really any colour yet.

I'm sorry the first half of the entry was so negative. It's definitely something I'll keep my eye on though, I know if it gets worse I have a large support group to fall back on with my family, you guys, as well as the November due date forum people, and also midwives and other people out there. I guess it'd be a miracle if I did somehow magically get over Robert's birth and be perfectly okay. I just have to realise there's a fine line between emotions and depression, and to make sure if I ever cross it to get help.

40 weeks 1 day - I think this is it!

Okay girls I think this is it, I think today is going to be Robert's birthday. I've been getting strong contractions, tonnes of period pain type cramps, and hardly been able to sleep since about 4.30am.

I phoned up the delivery suite at about 5.10am, they phoned back after quite a long time to say the oncall midwife was already out at someone's home, so if my contractions become regular and stronger (am timing them now using that handy website Jemma linked me in my comments) I will have to go into hospital :( :( Unless the woman's given birth already in which case I can nab the oncall midwife.

When I phoned the contractions seemed to die down a little, not quite as periody. Even sitting up at the moment the period pain aches don't feel as severe as when I was in bed. So the person at the delivery suite told me to take some paracetomol or a warm bath for the contractions as it didn't sound like I was contracting regularly.

Hopefully next time I update it will be with a birth announcement!

40 weeks - update from this morning's entry.

Well, I'm pretty sure I've been losing my mucus plug all day - practically every time I've gone to the toilet I've been wiping away brown discharge. My contractions have slowed again and am not really getting a lot of the period-ish feelings. I spoke to the midwife at the delivery suite around 3pm-ish and described the first two shows I had, and also the contractions, and she said even though the contractions weren't regular and not progressively getting worse it sounded to her like I was in early labour.

She got the on-call midwife to ring me and have a chat. It wasn't Beverley, but someone called Nina. She was one of those highly enthusiastic sounding people, with a posh voice. She asked me if I wanted her to come around and check me over, I told her that I was happy to wait and see what happened with the contractions. She said they could continue to get stronger and more regular or they could ease off altogether, the latter of which has appeared to happen. Ah well, I'm still confident things are on the move, albeit more slowly than I thought at first. Jonathan thought that the strong contractions and the mucus plug meant that I was going to give birth imminently (sigh) so he moved the coffee table into the garage making it difficult to have things by the side of the sofa. He didn't want to get the big one out of the garage again so he brought out the tiny one instead.

I am still coughing a lot, which is annoying but there's not a lot I can do about it.

Something I'm pleased about though is that Robert seems to have woken up again - it seems his more wakeful periods are at night, which is when I feel most hand movements, and makes up for his relative stillness during the mornings and early afternoons.

Anyway, I guess we'll see what the night brings, and when the contractions start up again. I am still getting braxton hicks but they're back to hardly noticeable.

Well I'll keep you updated.

Thanks for all the comments!

39 weeks 4 days - not in labour yet, but I think it's close

After my entry yesterday, I became very convinced I was in the early stages of labour. My braxton hicks were very strong (much stronger than usual, I could feel they were there without having to feel my tummy to see if it had gone hard), and I even got bouts of period like pain co-inciding with them.

However things seem to have died off again, and although I've been having the odd braxton hicks they are again very mild and difficult to tell they're there unless I poke and prod my tummy around a bit.

I didn't time them last night, I figured I'd wait until I was feeling them regularly and strongly, and it came to about 1am and they had died down a bit so I went to bed. For some strange reason I didn't need to pee very much, but also I got up once because for some reason I was just laying there awake, not needing to pee, no heartburn, no real reason for it at all. Eventually I got up and attempted a pee anyway, and I could, so went back to bed, and fell asleep til morning. The first thing Jonathan said to me this morning was "No baby yet then?" I rolled my eyes a little and said "doesn't look like it!" To which he replied "Damn, I was hoping I didn't have to go into work today!" (He's told his employers that he'd like to take off 2 weeks holiday from when the baby is born) Cheeky bugger!!! ;) I said "Oh right, and that's the only reason is it?? Nothing to do with the fact that having him will ease my aches and pains, and the fact he'll be here with us eventually?" He chuckled a bit and said of course those were reasons too, then as he was kissing me goodbye, he bent down to kiss my belly, and asked Robert very nicely to come out soon! I hope he listens!

I do think it could be any day now. I really think I may be in the 20% of first-time mums who give birth on or before their due date, judging by how I was feeling yesterday. Of course I could be one of those women who feel strong contractions for weeks before they give birth. But either way I guess I'm quite lucky, the ones I've felt so far have been far from painful - they've hardly been uncomfortable to tell the truth.

I spent yesterday going through a birth preference sheet we got from hypnobirthing, ticking the things I'd like to include in it. It's quite a large document, so I will have to try and cut it down a little, to merge some points with others. The midwife has written down in my notes that we're doing hypnobirthing so hopefully any we get from the community section will already have a basic understanding of what we will expect from them, including things like letting the mother lead the birthing process, not to ask about "pain levels" or to coach me into "pushing" during the second part of childbirth. But it's probably a good idea to have my birth preference sheet out for other matters like medication, induction, what to do if the birthing is stalled, etc.

I do feel so excited, knowing that my baby is close, that any day now we may get to meet him. I'm looking forward to my labour so much! I can't wait to get into my birthing pool! That any day now I will get to see the little feet that I've been feeling for so long, that every day I like to tease when he pokes them out of my belly, by poking them back! That so soon I will meet the tiny human being that I have grown from a single cell merged by mine and my husband's love for each other, to the kicking, poking, hiccuping little man that's here in me now.

I love him so, sweet little man, we'll see you soon!