36 weeks 5 days - the countdown

Well, now induction has been organised, we're now in the final countdown. 11 days to go! I am nervous, but I'm going to go in with a positive attitude and take things as it comes.

And to be honest, I am getting a little relieved that I do have an end in sight, that I'm going to have the baby early, as the late pregnancy niggles are now starting to come in with some force, particularly the pelvic pain. I am glad it's come later than Robert (I think at least), but I am glad that I don't have many more days (well, nights) to endure. Today was quite bad for the pain during the day as well, gone are the sitting on the floor days, getting up from the floor, or from a laying down position are bad now. Heartburn I get occasionally but is infinitely better than with R.. as such I will not be surprised to see that Squidge is bald! Swelling is minimal at the moment, thank goodness, after enduring 2 months of bad swelling with Robert, less than 11 days with this one seems like a walk in the park!

Something I was a little annoyed about is that my midwife is refusing to do a sweep on me at all.. this week fair enough I'm not 37 weeks yet. But she's not even going to do one on Monday either when I'll be 37+4. The reason being because my consultant has not expressly said give me a sweep. So the chances of me going into natural labour are soley based on Squidge now, and hopefully Squidge is just as keen to get here before induction as I am.

But either way I am eagerly packing my hospital bag, and looking forward to meeting my little Squidge, and on the next chapter. Whatever may happen at the birth, having been through one traumatic birth already I am probably a little better prepared incase things don't go to plan, especially on what to do afterwards regarding my mental welfare. But fingers crossed that the birth goes wonderfully, and that it is a healing process for me in dealing with Robert's birth as well.

40 weeks - Happy due date, me

Happy due date to meeee *sigh*

I was convinced last night I might be in the throws of labour. We went out for dinner, before we left I was getting strong contractions combined with period pain, I also seemed to clear my bowels out fairly thoroughly while we were there. And after we got home they were still quite strong. I timed a few, but I don't think I was doing it properly but they weren't regular either way. But during the night I got a bowt of insomnia, feeling contractions and period pain but they weren't getting stronger so I was trying to tell myself I wasn't in labour, and just go to sleep, but it was like my mind wasn't listening and kept awake feeling for these period pain feelings. Bah.

Anyway, I eventually fell asleep, although I had to go to the toilet a lot during the night as usual.

This morning I got up (only about 10 minutes ago), went to the toilet, wiped, and what do I see? Mucus plug! Not a huge glob of it, but definitely at least a bit of it. Darker than my usual fluid, plus there was a bit with a streak of blood in it. So yeah, I'm pretty much certain that was some of my plug. Not that it means a lot, I could still be weeks away from labour. Hopefully not WEEKS though, since now I only have 10 days before they will make me go into hospital :(

Well seeing as it's now my due date, I am 40 weeks pregnant today, I'll get around to doing a belly gallery shot today to (hopefully) finish it off before I give birth in the next day or two (hahahaahahha - wishful thinking but you never know!)

Even though I'm getting quite uncomfy, it is a little sad that I'm nearly at the end. I don't think I'll miss all the uncomfiness, like the constant bloated feeling, or the heartburn (which oddly has been getting a little better over the last few days), or the swelling (also getting a little better although this may be simply me not being upright all the time and having lots of naps). I will miss rubbing my belly and knowing he's in there all snug and warm. I will miss his sweet little waves with his arms (it feels so cute feeling his arms move around in there!). I will miss his hiccups. I will miss feeling a foot poking out of the top of my bump, and pressing it back in with my fingers, only to feel it slide elsewhere on my bump!

But I can't WAIT to meet him, to put my fingers inside his little hands and feel him grasp them tight. To tickle his feet for real, to hold him close and aahhhh. :) All that stuff. It won't be long now...

38 weeks 4 days - heartburn heartburn more heartburn, major sugar cravings, mw app etc

Heartburn heartburn and more heartburn. That's been the recurring theme over the past several days. I get heartburn at night, heartburn during the day, heartburn when I sit or lie down, it doesn't seem to matter. I'm happy for Robbie to stay put for a little while longer if that's what he wants and/or needs, and I am still cherishing the wriggles, pokes, brushes with his arms or feet. But it would be nice for him to come out so I no longer have to deal with the heartburn alllll day long!

Swollen feet are still there, but I do try and keep my feet up, or if I notice my feet have suddenly ballooned I go and lay down (and try and deal with the heartburn that inevitably comes!).

There is still a lot of work that needs doing in the spare room, and it will of course be easier to sort before Robbie gets here, but if he gets here sooner rather than later, then it's in a state where it can very quickly be made suitable for his changing/dressing. We don't have a nursery as such, which I'm conflicted about. I see people saying they are sorting the nursery, and they get it all decorated in nice kiddie colours and borders and all painted. And here's us, with a cot in our room (still undecorated but then it doesn't really need it) of lilac and cream, the changing table and a chest of drawers in the spare room along with some chairs and a bookcase and a lot of thing strewn around (which will of course need to be tidied to avoid tripping or accidents). I guess a nursery isn't REALLY necessary... but it just feels a little like I'm not doing it right. I suppose the perfectly decorated room isn't necessary for a baby, as long as he has a place to sleep, clean clothes, clean nappies, food and lots of love and affection that's all that matters. The rest is purely cosmetic.

I've been craving more food lately, I seem to eat loads. Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast, then I had the curry I hadn't finished at the restaurant for lunch, then a few hours later I had FOUR slices of bread and butter, and then for dinner I had 2 rounds of cheese and pickle sandwiches. I've been craving sweet things a lot as well - I go through anything sweet in ultra quick time. And could really murder a chocolate bar, or a cake (huge slice of), or some of those gorgeous tesco bakery cookies (the biiiiiiig ones), or a big fat slice of tesco finest cheesecake or chocolate tart.

I might have to persuade Jonathan that we go to tesco tonight when he gets home from work, because even though I'd like cake, we are running out of bread and milk, and milk is still pretty much a necessity for me - I'm beginning to think we should buy TWO 6 pint bottles of milk whenever we go, it certainly won't go off! And it'll mean I can have more milkshakes etc.

Anyway, better head off now, have a wash and get dressed (yes yes I know I'm lazy!), also collect some wee for the midwife appointment this afternoon. I think she'll weigh me today - my notes have a space for "BMI at 38 weeks" so that'll be fun fun. I've not weighed myself for ages, but I'm guessing I'm over hmmm... 230-240lbs. If not more. I was fast gaining on 100kg back in July which was the weight limit for a stool thing Jonathan bought me for my birthday. And that's 220lbs. I will definitely do my best to trim up a bit before I get pregnant with #2. Will help with energy levels and hopefully swelling. Right, well keep well, tata!

38 weeks!!! New glasses, and shopping in MK for baby bits etc

Ahhh! I have my new glasses! I am so pleased with them! I can seeeeee! People who are more than 10 meters away don't have blurry faces! I can read the TV screen! I am soooo happy and it makes such a difference!

On the other hand, I got quite worried today - while out in Milton Keynes (without notes or hospital bag) I experienced almost non stop braxton hicks! They've calmed down now I'm at home, but it was quite worrying! It made me wonder how I'd feel when I do actually go into labour, and I think I will become very excited when I do go into labour, because it will mean I will meet my little Robert so soon!

Had another one of those left-sided pains as well. I think they must be ligament pains, nothing else they could be really as they're just on one side. But we got lots of nice stuff - as well as getting bits for Robert (sheets for the matress, ermm.. well ok maybe bit), we also got some books for how to look after newborns, a matress protector (initially for me, then later for Robert), some presents for Ewan as it's his birthday soon and then christmas, and also some front opening nighties for me. We spent a fortune as usual.. ho hum!

Oh and we also stopped by that woman's house for the baby clothes and the bouncer/beanbag. We've yet to look through all the clothes, but there's a lot. :)

Anyway, I'll take a belly pic tomorrow, as it's late now and the light isn't good. Take care!

37 weeks 6 days - pain on one side of my uterus, end drawing nearer now

Hi girls: I have a question I could really use your input with, if you know. A few days ago I got a pain on the left hand side of my uterus that felt like it was a muscle pull or something similar. It went away quite quickly, but then last night I got another pain, again on the left hand side of my uterus, and it was very painful! If it had been all over I might have thought it would have been labour, but it wasn't, it was just on the left. Is it ligament pain? I think I've had ligament pain before in this pregnancy but it was never that painful. Anyway as it was bedtime anyway I went and laid down on my left hand side, and started doing some special breathing techniques to try and get rid of the pain, and while I could still feel it, it became a lot more bearable and then eventually went away.

It was quite worrying though, I was half considering phoning up the labour ward to speak to a midwife about it, but then it did go away and didn't come back.

Robert is still nice and active, mainly lots of little wriggles or pokes with his hands or feet. I am just so scared that I could have come all this way with him, and then something happens inexplicably. That something could happen so quickly there'd be nothing I could do about it! But each day I greet his wriggles and pokes with joy, knowing that he's okay. And looking forward to the day I get to meet him. Which could be so soon now! It really does feel like it could be any day, and I am just taking each day as it comes. I am at the moment thinking that he will be nice enough to wait until we can birth him at home, which is TOMORROW! I really don't mind when he comes as long as it's between tomorrow and 2nd December. Although the sooner after tomorrow the better! My poor feet can't take much more of this swelling! Hehe. And I don't really want to get started on the other half of my huge Gaviscon bottle. Oh my precious little boy... I so can't wait to meet him. To stare into his eyes, and cuddle his body close to mine. And to see the pride in his daddy's eyes in the moment we first become parents. I can't believe we've almost made it....

37 weeks 4 days - birthing dreams, getting glasses this weekend

I had the most realistic dream last night. It almost freaked me out when I woke. I was out for a meal with Jonathan, and he decided he wanted to go and get another course (why he didn't ask the waiter I don't know) but at this time I suddenly felt odd. I put my hand "down there" and felt between my legs, and to my horror, I felt the baby crowning! It was a wonderful feeling, but I was in the middle of the restaurant, with my husband about to leave to try and get more food! I called over to Jonathan who came back, and said "I don't think you should get any more food.." Anyway, the next bit sped past, and I was somewhere (where I don't know) laying down. I had been trying to "hold" Robert in. And then as I was laying down, I stopped trying to hold him in, and straight away, his head popped out with ease, followed immediately by the rest of his body. I grabbed him, and hoisted him up onto my belly. It was so surprising at the quickness and ease of it all!

Another bit of my dream involved me once again giving birth, and to my immense surprise, I gave birth to Robert, and then I gave birth to another two babies. (Which initially I thought were both boys, but then later in the dream one of the boys turned into a girl) I then started phoning up family, saying "He's here, Robert's been born!.... and so have his brother and sister!"

I think the dream about Robert crowning in the restaurant is based on a fear I have that I won't know when I'm in labour - that I'll not notice any contractions and I'll give birth before I know it - and probably in some highly inappropriate location. That is one of my biggest fears at the moment. I don't really feel braxton hicks at all, so how will I know when I'm in labour if these braxton hicks are supposed to be practise contractions??

I've been getting a few pains yesterday which made me a little nervous, but they weren't all over, just achy feelings in specific spots around my uterus, one time it was low down, another time it was on the left hand side, another time I felt an achy pain on my back... But that was it really. Nothing "all over", which I'm assuming the real thing feels like? I also can't remember what period pains feel like, it's been so long since I had them. Which is apparently also what you feel when you're in labour.

Beverley is coming around today to drop off the home birthing kit. Only 3 days til I can have my home birth!

Jonathan and I talked at the weekend a bit about how many children we would like. Both of our families have been families of 2 children. Him and his sister, me and my brother. So Jonathan is very much under the impression that a family has 2 children. Now, me.... I don't know really how many I want - all I know is that I'd want at least 2, so Robert has a brother or sister. But I'm open to the idea of more than 2, and want Jonathan to be as well, depending on how we feel once we have our second child. What I'm a little concerned about is what we would do, if, when that time comes, Jonathan decides he definitely doesn't want more children, and I decide I definitely do.. or vice versa although I think that way round is most likely. I think at the moment it will have to be a "cross that bridge when we come to it" kind of way of thinking. Try not to worry about the what ifs and wherefores if we don't know what we both will think.

Oh! Good news! J and I are going to go and get our eyes tested and get some glasses! Well, J already has had his eyes tested, he did it yesterday lunchtime. But he's got his prescription now, and said we should go over and get my eyes tested and then some glasses. I'm so pleased! My eyes are just terrible these days. At the parentcraft information evening (oh - a waste of time by the way - sigh), there was a sign up. I could tell the letters were big, but it was done in a thin red marker on white, and they were so very hard for me to read, I was maybe 10 meters away if that and I couldn't read what it said. Jonathan who was in a seat next to me but furthur from it whispered "you seriously can't read that?" and I said "well, my eyes ARE very bad... no I can't read it, why would I ask you to read it out to me if I could?"

Anyway I was curious as to see when I stopped wearing glasses, and I looked through Jonathan's old photography page on his website. I was wearing them when I met him in 2001, I was wearing them that Christmas, then at New Years, but by the next set of photographs, I wasn't. So I stopped wearing my glasses in January 2002. Which is almost 7 years ago. Although my eyes have only been bad for a fraction of that time, I guess they just degraded over time. But about time! Can't wait to get some glasses and read better! (And not have people's faces all blurry if they're more than 20 meters away!)

37 weeks 3 days - sooooo pregnant, tmi bodily functions, parentcraft class tonight

Oooof. I just feel so pregnant. I have lost count of the amount of times I went to the toilet between going to bed last night and getting up this morning. And each time I got back into bed I felt like such a beached whale trying to turn over one way or other to get comfy. My belly is HUGE. I was almost considering taking an early belly picture yesterday. When you look dead on to my belly now it LOOKS pregnant, rather than just a load of flab. I have that pregnant belly button look. The one where it's not popping out (yet), but it's almost flush with the rest of my belly. And boy... has he got lower! I'm sure he has! And yet at the same time his feet have not! He must be growing for Britain in there for his feet to stay the same place and yet move down. Another thing thats making me think he's gone and moved is the fact that I must have peed about 6 times during the night last night. More pressure on the bladder and all that.

He has still been a wriggly chappy. Which I'm very pleased about. Last night he kicked me in the ribs, hard enough for me to cry out. But I don't mind too much. :) I'm still loving his movements, as they are such a wonderful source of reassurance and joy for me :) Even if he's quiet and I feel him move only slightly at various points during the day, I often find myself wondering if he's still ok, or if I imagined the movements. I've not been keeping track of them on a day to day basis really. That might be something I do with the next baby so I can see if I can spot patterns.

TMI of the bodily function variety in this paragraph
Some things I've noticed lately that I've not mentioned in here, is that the last week or two I've been quite sniffly and snotty. And coughy. Not really in a fullblown cold type way, but if something makes me cough, I can hardly stop and it's just sooo painful. Well, quite painful and annoying. And (sorry for TMI) I'm very very mucussy from my nose. Some mornings I'll blow my nose and the amount and the consistency of it is just... weird. The consistency being stringy and almost unbreakable. Now also, maybe it's related to my sort-of-cold-like-symptoms, or maybe it's pregnancy related, I don't know, but my bowel movements are softer than usual as well. Not always VERY soft, but soft enough to *ahem sorry* come easily, and then smear. (Sorry! I just want this on record for next pregnancy! Haha!) My poos have changed consistency a LOT during the pregnancy. At one point they became almost like larger rabbit droppings that floated. That lasted a long time, practically all the way through second trimester and a bit into third. Now they're back to normal length and consistency (aka they don't float) but are soft. Anyway enough about poo and snot! Haha. Ahhh the pleasantries of pregnancy!
TMI over

Right. Well tonight we have a class at the local hospital - I think it's the parentcraft evening. I'll also phone up the lady who had the baby clothes and the baby bouncer and beanbag, to see if she still has them, and if tonight will be a good time for us to come and get them. If not I can say we'll go this weekend.

I cannot believe I will be 38 weeks pregnant this Saturday. Where has the time flown to? I cannot believe that I will soon be holding my precious baby boy. I sometimes ache so much for him to be here. But then I also think "well, at least the longer he's in there, the longer we have to be us two, and get everything we need to do done." My life will so suddenly become full and busy, I don't know if I'm properly prepared for that. But in the same way it's something I've been waiting for for a long time, for my life to be full and busy.

Anyway, I need to go now, put on my support tights before my feet swell too much. And then get busy phoning the woman, phoning the surgery (need to get next week's antenatal appointment set up), doing the washing up, repacking Robert's hospital bag, etc etc :)

35 weeks 3 days - sleepless night, last blood tests done (yay)

Hi girls, back again! Thought I'd update now, because I will most likely be in bed sleeping or on the sofa for the rest of the day. I'm absolutely shattered. Went to bed around midnight, when my left leg started aching away, muscular pain of sorts. I can't remember how many times I turned over in an attempt to curb the aching. In the end I sort of groaned frustratedly, woke J up who asked what the matter was. I told him and he said "Why don't you take some paracetomol?" I don't know why, but whenever I'm in pain lately, pain killers seem to be the LAST thing on my mind. I just don't think about them at all. Anyway, I figured it can't hurt, so I got up, took a couple, sat back on the side of the bed. My leg was still throbbing so I thought I'd stay up for a while until the pain killers kicked in. In the end I was up until 5.30am. Got back into bed, laid down, and typically it was this moment that a tiny little boy decided to start squirming around and got the hiccups. Argh!! It wouldn't have been so bad, except for the fact that I was booked in at the GP to have my arm poked with a needle at 9.45am. So rather zombie-like I got up when J left for work at 9am, got ready, drank the tea he brought me, and then went out to the surgery.

I reckon I can't have got more than 3 hours proper sleep last night. Ah well, I'll make up for it later.

I can't really remember what else I was going to write about. I was sure there was something, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I guess that's a good thing, and since Robert is quiet, now would be a good time to jump back into bed and try and get a bit more sleep.

I hope you're all ok! xx

35 weeks 1 day - painful swelling continues

The swelling is still here. I'm beginning to get worried it is pre-eclampsia because of how quickly it seemed to come about. That and people on my due date forum saying "oh, you should get it looked at, it might be pre-eclampsia.." and it's like... I KNOW swelling can be a sign of pre-eclampsia. I was just going to wait until the 29th, but now I'm thinking I shouldn't.

I'm also worried about the blood tests I have on Tuesday, I have to go down there and back. And worried about Thorpe Park, whether I will be able to go or not, but more that I don't know if I'll be able to go or not. If I can't go, I'll get over it, but I am looking forward to it, and it would be nice to know in advance if I couldn't go. If I knew I had pre-eclampsia I'd know I wouldn't be able to go, since people with that get put on bed rest.

I'm also worried because I'm in PAIN with the swelling. My feet balloon up to such an extent that after a while, walking on them causes such a sharp horrid pain on the side of my feet, that's like a painful pins and needles sensation.

I'm worried that I won't be able to cope with bedrest if I get told I need to do it. Since Wednesday I have been trying to make myself get more rest with my feet up, but I've been so BORED of just watching tv, or laying down in bed, I keep getting up to do things, make myself food, clear up, sit at the computer and do things... I'm worried that it would be harder on Jonathan as well.

However, slightly better and upbeat news is that Robert has been very active the last few days. Last night he kept me up for ages with his squirming and poking and prodding and twisting, but I didn't really mind, it felt kind of nice to have him so active. He did the same again when I went and laid down earlier when my feet starting becoming painful. But yes, up I am again. But all his pokey movements have really helped me to realise how big he's getting, and that he's an actual baby (yes yes I know!) and that he'll so soon be here... I can't wait to meet my little pokey man...

33 weeks 4 days - fed up, birth pools, etc

As much as I hate to say it, I am beginning to feel a bit down and fed up. The night before last I went to the toilet at LEAST four times during the night. Last night I managed to cut it down to three times. But I am still getting pain from turning over. And he's just so big. I'm fed up of struggling to put on socks and shoes to go out. I'm fed up of being so tired when I get up in the morning that I know I'll just need to have a nap or two during the day to catch up on missed sleep during the night. Last night as I crawled back into bed for the third time, I looked over at Jonathan and felt a little resentment! :( Because even when Robert gets here, I'll still be getting up every time he wakes (unless I cannot breastfeed), whether Jonathan gets up or not. So it's not like the sleepless nights I'm getting now will be magically over once the baby's here. But Jonathan will continue to get lovely long uninterrupted nights sleep until Robert's here. Whereas I won't. And I resent him a little for that, even though it's not his fault, and I know that if he COULD do anything to help me, he would, even if it meant him not getting a good night's sleep.

Most of all though I'm annoyed at myself for letting it get to me so much. I still have 7 weeks to go (possibly 9 if Robert's anything like I was) and I want to not spend it being grumpy, annoyed, and fed up of being pregnant. I want to enjoy it. And I do still enjoy Robert's movements. And I am enjoying seeing how my belly is growing bigger each week. And I'm enjoying being allowed to eat what I want, enjoying satisfying my cravings, and having them taste sooooo good when I do. I just have to try and focus on those enjoyable things, because I don't like the way my mindset is going right now.

I mentioned on a November due date board today how I was planning a home birth, and the first reply I got was "wow, you're brave!" *sigh* They didn't say why, but I'm guessing they're thinking home birth = no medication = ouch. Part of me feels a little annoyed at such people like that too. Part of me feels like all I want to do is "educate" people about childbirth because it does seem that the majority of people are clueless (sorry if that offended anyone here, but when all the comments I get are "wow you're brave" and "don't worry all the pain will be worth it" I have to wonder why these people sit back and just accept pain as part of childbirth). Part of me is grateful that I watched that Richard and Judy programme all those years ago, because I have a feeling that if I hadn't seen it I wouldn't have believed it either, nor known that such a thing as painless childbirth existed. Glad that it sunk so deep into a corner of my mind to unlock again when I had children to go and investigate it. And if I can get the birth I want, it'll be worth every penny we spent on the classes.

Oh, and I looked at a leaflet they gave us while we were there, and they sell birth pools for about £100. They're pretty local too. I looked online, and found HIRES for about £250, so I think a purchase for 100 is pretty good! Will just have to measure up and check there's room for it. Although it's yet another expense which J won't be keen on, but ah well.... It's his birthday soon as well, and I want to get him some bits for then, but since I don't work, it's *ahem* like he's paying for it. Anyway I'd better wrap this up now, It's a lovely day outside today so a load of washing would be a good idea, and also will hop in the shower while the washing's doing.

Hope you're all well, and thanks for reading my rants (again!). x

33 weeks 2 days - dad's visit, jealousy issues (sigh), etc.

Thanks for your sympathy over the heartburn and pelvic pain, I don't know if I made it sound worse than it is, because I really wasn't expecting it! The heartburn often doesn't strike at night, and the pelvic pain is now slight enough that it doesn't disturb my sleep very much, if at all. It's just occasionally during the day heartburn'll creep up on me and then disappear again within a few minutes. Something I'll tell the midwife about next Monday though (3 weekly appointments! And after Monday's it'll be only 2 weeks away!) is that in the last 2 weeks I've had a couple of instances with diarrhoea. I don't *think* it's anything to worry about, although I've only had it twice I am finding quite often I get the pains associated with it until I *ahem* fart or go to the toilet. (Sorry!!) And both times I am finding it provides me with quite a lot of relief as it gets rid of the pain.

I was looking at a diagram of how the internal organs move to during pregnancy to make room for the rapidly growing uterus (which is now about 1000 times the volume of it's pre-pregnancy size!), and I'm not surprised I'm having errr... "digestive track problems" seeing as the majority of my intestines are squashed up above the baby.

I saw my Dad and his wife yesterday, we treated them to a roast dinner of lamb (which came with rosemary and garlic on it, good ol' tesco - it was friggin delicious!) on our new dining table. We had a lovely time, I did end up feeling rather bloated, followed by the second lot of diarrhoea aforementioned, and played a few games on the table after.

Although something bothered me slightly, which is probably completely and utterly irrational and something I probably blew up in my mind out of proportion due to pregnancy hormones, or jealousy, I don't know... Dad mentioned that around the time when Robert is due, he will be up in Chester, visiting Stephen and Nicky, as it is Ewan's birthday then also. But the way he said it seemed to me like he was implying that "If Robert is born while we're up in Chester, we're not going to leave to come see him." He didn't actually say the words in the quotes, but what he did say sounded like that to me. It just makes me feel like Robert is always going to be a second-rate grandson to him, if something is happening with his first grandson, Ewan, then Robert will have to wait. Maybe this is just a feeling I get because my Mum seems completely the opposite - she has said that if Robert is born while they're up seeing Ewan, she will drop everything and come over as soon as he is born to see him, and has told Nicky such as well. Dad has simply said that he will come over "as soon as he's asked", but implied that it's as long as it's not going to interfere with Ewan's birthday celebrations. Am I completely crazy to be reading so much into this? I mean, it's not as if I even particularly want him to drop everything like Mum is doing (I didn't ask her to either, but it's what she WANTS to do). I don't know, it might just be Dad's general "tactfulness" or lack thereof that's bothering me most, maybe he could have made it sound better to me.

I am now really hoping that Robert's birthday will fall at least a week away from Ewan's. So that way, in the future, it won't always be a "Ewan's birthday party vs. Robert's birthday party" thing. It's not as though we're even close enough to "share" birthday parties. And even if they did share a birthday, who's to say they'd even want to share a party as they got older?

Part of this I'm sure is because of jealousy. Urgh, I hate it, but I'm still not over this whole jealousy thing. Even though I'm getting a baby now too. I'm still annoyed at Nicky for lying to me for months and months about the fact that she wanted a baby (when she kept telling me she didn't). I know why she lied to me now, but I still don't understand it, and I think had she just told me the truth I probably wouldn't have half the jealousy issues I have now! Although, lie or truth told, I might still be feeling this thing over Ewan being more important than Robert in the eyes of my Dad. But I am *so* grateful that my Mum seems so wonderfully excited, and that Mum is willing to leave Ewan's birthday party to come and see her newest grandson as soon as he's born. It just hurts a little that Robert's Grandad only seems to want to come see him "out of duty".

I've not really talked to Jonathan's parents about when Robert is born, they've not really brought it up, perhaps because they feel uncomfortable asking. Or maybe because they just feel they don't want to intrude until they're asked. I might get Jonathan to bring it up with them, or maybe we'll talk about it with them next weekend (it's his Dad's birthday next Monday!).

Anyway, I feel a little better for having got it off my chest. And despite the feelings that comment Dad made brought up, the whole day was thoroughly enjoyable. We played a few games of Rummikub, followed by a game of Zombie Fluxx (which after a loooooooong time playing, I eventually won!), followed by a game of Perudo which we'd had for YEARS as a gift from Jonathan's sister, but never played before.

Although, despite having not done a lot other than sit around eating, drinking (going to the toilet 3 or 4 times) and playing games, I felt absolutely exhausted. I've not done the washing up yet from it, but I felt so completely tired at around 8.30pm, I couldn't even sit up at the PC, went downstairs to see what was on telly, and after a while Jonathan came down too and we put on Finding Nemo to watch. About 10 minutes in I found my eyelids drooping, but I was determined to watch the film, and instead went to bed as soon as the movie was over, at around 10.30pm. And slept until 10am this morning too. I simply cannot remember the last time I felt like I wanted to curl up and go to sleep for the night before 9pm!!

I then had an odd dream where it felt like I was back in school, and there were all my old schoolfriends there, but I was pregnant, and because I was pregnant, all my old friends were avoiding me. At one point in the dream I remember walking out of the classroom, leaning up against a wall before letting myself slip into a sitting position, and then explaining to one of the boys in my class who came out that I was having a contraction. But the contraction felt odd in my dream, like there was a really hard tennis ball-sized lump at the top of my uterus. The dream went on for ages, it felt, I'm pretty sure at least a week passed in the dream, without the dream cutting off or changing.

I have had a LOT of dreams lately where I have been pregnant, but none (since the very beginning of my pregnancy) where I have given birth.

Right, I'll leave this entry here for now. I'm going to try and get a lot done today, including making a list of things to be done. I think a good time frame to try and get everything ready for Robert's arrival will be the beginning of November. That way it'll give me a little lee-way, and also provide me with a GOAL and a deadline!

33 weeks 1 day - daily heartburn now, and flat update.

A quick update entry, because we're expecting my Dad and my step-mum over in about 45 minutes, and I still need to finish up the washing up and sort out the table etc.

Thanks for your comments on my last entry! I seem to be getting heartburn on a daily basis these days, sometimes several times a day (yeuck), but most of the time I just let it run its course unless it hangs around for more than 5 minutes, or if it's in the middle of the night. In Aylesbury yesterday, while I was cleaning the floor in the lounge (getting paint spatters off the laminate) and cleaning the walls in the hallway (grubby finger marks and streaks) I got heartburn every 10 minutes or so! :(

We went round because we were expecting a visit from the estate agent who had been round to see the flat before we started any work on it, and his comments were very encouraging, especially when he said that our flat stood out very well now against the one downstairs from us, who had had his kitchen and bathroom redone, but those were the only rooms to use as a selling point apparently, the rest of it looked very tired and dated so he told us, and ours he said looks a lot better. The guy downstairs apparently has his flat on the market for about 10k more than it's worth, which is why it's not selling, along with the housing slump. But the guy reckons that we should get offers for at least 115k, even though it's not as much as we were once hoping, the housing slump is a bit iffy, so we will have to think about renting and such.

Anyway, the pelvic pain has reached a consistent level these days (for now). One where it's ok generally when getting up and moving around, but after laying down, it can be a little painful to get up. I think this is due to my pelvis being pushed around by my weight on it when I lay down, I often hear and feel it "clicking" when I move around at night. But it's bearable, so that's the most important thing.

Right, well I'd best be off for now, hope you're all ok, tata!

32 weeks 1 day - more back pain, weekend, belly pictures.

32 weeks! Woah! (yeah yeah, I know, sorry, I'm guessing my amazement each week that that number is 1 higher than last week is wearing thin by now!) Less than 2 months to go! (or about 2 months I should really say, seeing as Robert could well be born late - he could even be a December baby! Which is an odd thought, I always think of him as being a November baby, but it's entirely possible he will be a December baby. Well, there's even a remote chance he could be an October baby, someone who was due on 14th November gave birth to her baby 3 days ago!)

Friday night, what should come back with a vengance but of course that lovely pelvic pain I had earlier in the week. I got next to no sleep from 12.30 til 3.40, when I woke up for the umpteenth time and started crying, which in turn woke Jonathan up. My crying until he woke up and asked what was wrong were little sniffles and muffled cries, which turned instantly more hysterical and bawly as soon as he asked me what was up. Amongst sobs I said something like this... "I'm in so much *sob* pain that whenever *sob* I turn over *sob* it hurts so bad *sob* and I've had hardly *sob* any sleep *sob* and it's only *sob* 3.40 am *wails* and I don't want to have to lie back doooooooooown! *bawls*

Then I managed to get some sleep after taking a couple of paracetomol - it still hurt like hell, but I only had to turn over once between then and around 7.30am when I needed the loo. Went back to bed again, and before I knew it, Jonathan was saying "Oh, shit, it's 10 o'clock!"

We'd invited my Mum and Dave over for a roast dinner (they are busy Sundays so we had a Saturday roast hehe), and we still had some washing up to do, and vacuuming the living room carpet, and moving the sofa to get the table out. They ended up arriving around 12, so we had about 45 minutes to just sit and chat over coffee (well, tea for me, because although every now and then coffee has smelt strangely nice, I'm still not brave enough to try it incase I still don't like it!) while Jonathan (bless him) sorted out most of the dinner. I came in to sort the gravy and drain the veg while he was sorting out the meat, but apart from that he did it all! I made up a bit of mint sauce as we were having lamb, and got out cartons of juice, glasses and cutlery.

It was such a pleasant afternoon. After the dessert we decided to play a few board games, which were fun, and they ended up leaving around 5.30pm or so. It was lovely because I can't remember who it was with, possibly my Dad, but I was itching for them to leave when they came over once, but with Mum and Dave I wasn't itching at all, I thoroughly enjoyed their company, and Jonathan was relaxed with them moreso than when we go over to theirs (presumably familiar environment and no driving fatigue). We gave them the lamb bone to take back with them for their dogs, which I heard was very well received! Hehe.

Last night, Robert was extremely active, deciding on several accounts over an hour or so to poke out really hard with both a foot (feet?) and a hand (hands?) simultaneously! Every time he did it it made me go "Oooh!" with the force and strangeness of sensation.

Anyway, since it's 32 weeks I've uploaded more belly gallery pictures, I've put the normal "half bare" picture in the gallery already, and here are the other two I took, the clothed and bare bumps.

The difference between that one and the 20 week one (or even 24 week one) is amazing! Gogo gadget Robert! Grow, baby grow!

31 weeks 3 days - painful day yesterday

I can't begin to say just how exhausted I feel. All day yesterday (yes, ALL day) I was in massive pain whenever I moved. The pain radiated from either my left labia, or the pelvic bone beneath, and is a stabbing pain that shoots through the entire area whenever I move my legs. And also a lot of the time whenever I got up to move, the pain caused me to tense up, and then my uterus started hurting underneath too. :( And a lot of the time my belly has felt really hard... but not braxton hicks hard - which makes me wonder if Robert has gone into the back-to-belly position (forget what it's called - is it anterior or posterior?).

Turning in bed has been a nightmare, causing me to groan loudly whenever I do. Yesterday afternoon because I'm fine when still, I decided to pick out a book and lay down and read it on the bed. (Round Ireland with a Fridge by Tony Hawks - excellent, excellent book, very funny. Had me in fits of giggles, and at one point outright tear-producing laughter) Laid on my side, and Robert decided to do his usual trick of kicking the side of my belly hehe. But anyway, I went back to read a bit more later in the evening after our meal, lay in bed, but of course whenever I had to shift position even slightly, OWWW! "Are you alright?!" calls my husband from the other room... and I must admit I replied back a little sarcastically "Just peachy, thanks!" Which isn't very nice I know, he's just trying to be nice and concerned. "Is there anything I can do?" Unfortunately not, I answered back with another slightly sarcastic "yeah, you could chop me off at the middle and give me someone else's body." which of course I didn't mean because then what about poor Robert!!! I instantly felt a little guilty when I said that.

The pain has continued on throughout the night last night, leaving me a little bleary eyed this morning. I do hope the pain subsides somewhat before tomorrow, because it's my 31 week midwife appointment, and I have to walk into town. It's not far, but far enough when every step hurts unless I waddle.

Last night sitting on the loo, I suddenly panicked inwardly and thought "what if something is wrong with me, what if I'm going into premature labour? What if I give birth to Robert right here right now while I'm sitting on the loo? What if his head hits the bowl and...." I can't even bear to write the rest of that sentence. It's bad enough thinking it. And then I think to myself what a bad mother I'll be, so maybe it'd be for the best... but then that is too horrible. Urgh, I feel disgusted with myself that I ever thought that. I need to really stop being so insecure. I can, and will, be a great mum, I just have to have confidence in myself.

I will have to write down a list of questions for the midwife. I think one of them will be about colostrum. After Alice's comment to my last entry I looked through some of her entries, and couldn't find what she was referring to! Doh. But I noticed on about 28 weeks or so she had her colostrum start leaking. Me, I've had NO sign whatsoever. None. Nada. And I'm 3 weeks later than that! I'm sure it's one of those things that are different for every woman, but boy it would make me feel a hell of a lot better if I was to get something through at some point, just so I know things are looking positive. I do get the occasional cream coloured residue settling between the little dimples, that can be loosened and brushed away, but then I'm pretty sure I've been getting those foreverrr - since I was a teenager.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing if Robert is still head down, like he was at 28 weeks. It seems crazy soon for a baby to be head down, 28 weeks through. I'm pretty sure he is still, because I'm still feeling his little feet pressing up against the upper most part of my uterus. Oh, forgive me if I've already said this, but the other day, I was sitting on the sofa, and he started pressing his feet up firmly against my belly... I pressed down against them with my fingers quite firmly, and whereas at some point before he simply moved his feet away, this time, he kicked back at my fingers! Hehe. It was so sweet.

Oh, and I don't think I've been paying much attention to the fact he's probably been having noticeable hiccups lately... last night I felt it going on and paid attention to it, and yeah, can imagine those were definitely hiccups. That time aaaages ago I said he had hiccups, I think those were actually his first kicks I felt, not hiccups! But these were, and I'm pretty sure he's had them before, I've just not felt them, and then thought "ahh, they're the hiccups." But they definitely weren't kicks, definitely weren't punches, just a sensation within my belly that felt like when you've done a lot of exercise and your muscles ping away for a while as they rest.

Anyway, should go and get some breakfast now, hopefully repeating "there is no pain there is no pain" will help, I think it helped a tiny bit when I had to climb back up the stairs etc yesterday. Will speak to Beverley (the midwife) about it tomorrow and see if there's anything she recommends. Will prepare myself incase she'll want to take a look "down there" as well.

Hope you're all ok, oh! And happy birthday to Becca!