36 weeks 2 days - swelling update, hypnosis, braxton hicks (lack of!)

It's J's birthday tomorrow, and I'm still waiting on an order with his presents to arrive! Arghh! Apparently they were dispatched Friday afternoon, so I'd damn well hope they'll arrive today! Got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow, what with the surprises I have to prepare for him. Although he may have an idea what they are since we went shopping yesterday and there were some "odd" items on the list! Hahaha! But I won't spell it out since I think he did read my diary yesterday and he might again today! You'll have to wait until Wednesday before I tell you. Hehehe.

I'm feeling quite chirpy lately. Even despite having to get up last night for peeing, heartburn AND suddenly getting a sicky feeling in my throat. Heh. But I am loving Robert's squirms. It's strange, on the november forum I read, someone was saying how her little one hiccups lots too and she doesn't like it, and how she will miss his kicks and squirms but not the hiccups. I was thinking lately how although the hiccups sometimes do annoy me (the constant blipping feeling down in my tummy can be very disconcerting!), I do still like them (not as much as kicks and punches and wriggles), and I will certainly miss them. But sometimes they are nice reminders that he is in there and still ok (!!) even when he doesn't feel like wriggling.

I am terrified beyond words that I could lose Robert before he is born. Of course losing him at all would absolutely devastate me, but to not be able to hold him and watch his tummy rise and fall, to watch his precious face sleeping, or looking around with beady inquisitive eyes. I just hold on to each and every movement he makes, every kick, every punch, every stretch and squirm, every bout of hiccups. And treasure each and every one.

About the swelling - I am trying to take it easier lately. Although some days I don't lay up most of the time and therefore I do get balloon ankles by the afternoon. It's a lot less often I get pains in the sides of my feet from walking on puffy feet/ankles, and if I do get them, I go and lay down immediately. I'm trying to drink more too, even though it means I go to the toilet over 10 times a day. But the short of it is that I'm coping with it. And I'm thinking less about it too, and letting it get me down less.

I'm now definitely onto the thinking about getting the house sorted. The back room is still quite messy. We have the changing table up and stocked full of nappies, and wipes, and powder, etc. The next job for me will be to sort out a hospital bag (Can't be too careful!!! Although I am hoping for a home birth there's no saying that I won't have to go in! Either because of special circumstances that arise during labour, or because of premature labour. If I go into labour this week I will have to go into hospital!

That's another thing thats worrying me. People are talking on the November forum about how they are getting really strong braxton hicks all the time now. And for me, I get nothing! Well, occasionally I feel like my uterus has tightened up, but apart from me feeling it with my hands, I cannot tell! I don't get any outside sensations... I'm absolutely terrified I won't actually KNOW when I'm in labour! Unless of course the labour sensations are stronger than my braxton hicks if you can call them that. Maybe it will take me a little while before they start becoming stronger, as most of the November women are due before me (as they would be really, with me being at the end! Haha). I guess I wait and see!

Oh! Something I didn't mention last entry was that Jonathan put on one of his new albums he got for his birthday - a Sarah McLachlan one. Some of the tracks were - odd... and rather upbeat, but as we were listening, he would skip over those ones. The other ones were lovely. And after a while of sitting next to J and listening to them, I realised that I had managed to put myself into a really deep hypnosis (without even trying!). I was aware of the songs, aware of when Jonathan skipped a song, but I was sitting there, my arms flopped down beside me, my legs outstretched onto a beanbag in front of me, and they just felt like lead, like I couldn't move them even if I wanted to. My feet tingling, my face and body so relaxed. It was lovely! Exactly the state I need to be in when I'm in labour. It took me ages to be able to shake my body into being able to move and get up. One thing I remember though is that even just sitting there I did feel very parched - so J really will have to make sure I'm getting enough liquid.

Ahhh I am really looking forward to it!! I'm so glad to say that I am! :) Not least because I will get to meet my sweet squirmy little boy! Ahhh I can't wait!

Feeling pregnant finally!

It's quite bizarre, but since my last entry, I am FINALLY beginning to feel pregnant! My tummy is growing, I'm sure it is. I've not got round to getting Jonathan to take any pics, mainly because I can't find the camera, but also because I'm so fat as it is... I'm kinda embarrassed... Anyway, last night, I was standing up naked before getting into bed, and was feeling my tummy, which felt.... different! Jonathan saw me pressing and squeezing my tummy, he said "Don't squeeze it too hard!!!" I told him that I was feeling it because it felt different, he came over and felt it too, and said "It feels rubbery" Which is an oddly accurate word to describe it! It feels firmer somehow, but because it has a lot of flab there, I guess it ends up as a kind of rubbery texture!

Also, this morning, I got up to use the toilet, I was sitting up for a while ON the toilet, and suddenly felt really queasy! I went and laid back down again, and by the time I got up properly, I felt fine. Is this the starting of my morning sickness?

Last night I cooked some cauliflower and brocolli in cheesey garlicy sauce. It came frozen in a bag from tesco, and I did too little of it. But omg, it was soooooo tasty!! It's a shame it takes about 40-45 minutes to bake in the oven, because I would have made some more and eaten it all! So I'll have to settle with having some more for lunch today :)

We had it with boiled new potatoes, and it was all reaaaally nice! I should try and find a recipe to make that stuff. I looooove garlic! I seriously can't get enough of it... I hope this pregnancy doesn't change that. If I start disliking cheese, bacon, chocolate, and garlic because of all the changes in my body I'll cry I think! But I guess I'll find things I like instead... like marmite, liquorice (shudder), errr... other stuff I can't really think of right now... I'm really not picky about my food. ;) I'll eat marmite if I have to, but liquorice.... NO WAY. I can't even lick it, the taste is just FOUL. It's strange, I know there are people who LOVE the taste, and I just cannot fathom it! To me, eating earwax is preferable. Seriously :P Hmm.. before this entry turns into a "Why I hate liquorice entry" I'd best carry on and change the subject ;)

Yesterday, our furniture arrived from Argos :D (the bedroom furniture - two bedside tables, two chests of drawers, and a biiiiiig wardrobe) I asked if the men could take it upstairs for me, the man who brought in the bulk of it said that they weren't allowed to take up anything over 40 kilos, but in the end they did anyway, hehe :D Rested it all against the bedroom wall. And, I assembled the two bedside tables later on in the day! I felt sooo proud of myself, the drawers work and everything! I'm going to try and assemble a chest of drawers today, since it also recommends one person for assembly. But the wardrobe will have to be done with Jonathan, since it's verrrry tall. We haven't decided if we want the wardrobe in our bedroom or not, we were thinking of getting fitted wardrobes done for our bedroom, along the end wall. So we thought we'd just assemble the wardrobe we have at the moment in the other big bedroom, and go in there to get our clothes until we get the fitted one done. But it was easier to get the delivery men to just put it in one room than take it all to two separate rooms, so hopefully Jonathan will be able to move the 4 (!) big boxes that make up the wardrobe into the spare bedroom, if not I guess we take each panel bit by bit.

We just need soooo much storage! I don't know HOW we managed to fit all our stuff into that tiny one bedroom maisonette. We had more kitchen cupboards, I guess, and a breakfast bar (which ended up as a craft unit for my stuff), and board games, puzzles etc were stuffed under chairs, DVDs were put on makeshift shelves we stuck up a year or so after we moved, and also in DVD unit things by the telly on the floor... it was just.... a mess! Now we have a bigger place, we can get more bookcases for our things, and I just CAN'T wait! Can't wait til we can look around, all boxes unpacked, everything NEAT in cupboards/bookcases, with our new sofas, and everything... Which will hopefully be by the end of May, then we can sort out a proper housewarming party which we never had for the flat! And then we can do all the exciting baby preparations! Making decisions, buying clothes, equipment we need, sorting out a room (although we'll probably have the baby in with us to start, so would probably keep all its clothes, and cot, and nappy changing bits in there.

I am very interested in using cloth. Alice is the one to thank for that! It's benefits cannot be understated I think really. Cheaper, better for the environment, better for the baby, all we need to give up for that is some time and convenience. Although, I have NO idea about where to get cloth nappies from really, or what to put in them, or things like that. Luckily I have plenty of time to do my research, but if you kind ladies could give me any pointers, I'd be grateful :)

This weekend, I think I'm going to have to drag Jonathan out shopping with me. I NEED some new bras. Desperately. The ones I have were already a little small for me before I got pregnant. Now I'm pregnant and my breasts are so tender most of the time, and they're getting bigger (I swear they are!) I need better and bigger bras to support me. I also need some good stretchy maternity trousers. My jeans are already feeling snug! (Had a good inch around the waste band) I have got a size 20 (!) pair of stretchy 3/4 length trousers I can wear into pregnancy, and I also have a nice skirt with a verrry stretchy waistband that'll last me a good few months I reckon (might well be my staple item of clothing during the summer!). But apart from that - nothing! And very few tops I can wear as well. But the tops are less of an issue for now. English readers - any idea of some good UK stores to get some decent and cheapish maternity clothes? The Milton Keynes huuuuge Tesco store might be a good place to start I guess.. ;)

Lots of news.....

So... here I am in our new home. The move went great! So smoothly, with a removal company. :) They were quick, professional, and made everything soooo much easier! They ran up and down the stairs with huge heavy boxes we'd packed full of heavy stuff!

We're getting there, with the settling in. We don't have a lot of furniture we need yet - namely the wardrobes and chest of drawers and things we've ordered. But that should be arriving in a couple of weeks. And the sofas should be arriving in May some time. But... we still NEED bookcases and cupboards for the living area. And then.... we also need garden furniture for the garden, and a barbecue. Oh, I can't WAIT til the summer, when we're sitting out in the warm evening sun, eating a delicious barbecue. It's everything I dreamed of when we were at the flat!

We've finished the kitchen and the bathroom stuff (well, everything we have with us at the moment - our parents still have stuff they're holding for us, which we'll be getting on Saturday). We've got the computers set up, and the TV (although the consoles have yet to be sorted). In our bedroom at the moment we have suitcases lined up laying on the floor in front of the bed (well, on the opposite wall) which are sorted into categories - underwear, Jonathan's clothes, and my clothes.

This morning, I was 32 days past the first day of my last period. So I finally caved and took my first pregnancy test of the month. Unfortunately, I'd already had a wee a bit before, so it wasn't the first wee of the morning... but.... I think....

I MIGHT be pregnant! I looked at the test... and I SWEAR I can see the faintest of lines... It is soooo faint, but I'm SURE it's there. Just. Haha! But then I went for a wee later on in the morning, wiped, and it was pink :( I don't know what that means (if anything). If I am pregnant, I'll be about 4.5 weeks pregnant at the moment - any thoughts? I know Alice had the whole scary bleeding in her last pregnancy, and here little Nathan is, fine and well (and looking SOOO gorgeous and plump already!) but wasn't that furthur along? I can't remember very well at the moment, and I can't look it up because at the moment we're without broadband, so I'm typing this in OpenOffice writer, and will be copying and pasting it this evening when I can connect to the internet via Jonathan's phone.

I don't really know what to do now. Last month I kept getting BFN after BFN but no sign of my period. This time, I see what I pretty much think is the faintest of lines (and after 8 or 9 BFNs last month I think I can tell the difference between NO line and a very faint line), but then get a tiny bit of pink spotting. But I don't want to get my hopes up... as I took the test I was thinking to myself - it's going to be negative - I'm going to get my period in the next few days. And then after it dried out.. and I looked, and saw that line.. I'm so excited that right now, inside me could be the beginnings of my own little bean, or peanut, or sprout hehe ;) I have no idea what I would call him or her while he/she is growing... my sister-in-law called hers �Haggis� haha! (No, she's not Scottish, she lives near Chester)

What's also exciting, is that if this IS real.. (part of me is reluctant to cling on to hope - in case I am imagining the line, or if something goes wrong) he/she will be born around the end of November - the same as my nephew Ewan was last year!

I am going to wait a few weeks before telling my family, so this is a bit of a big secret! I want to surprise our families with a little present of a picture of the first scan in a photo frame for each of our parents :) The first scan is usually at 8 weeks, right? Goodness, where did I put that pregnancy book I bought about 2 months ago??

I am still needing to think right now that I'm imagining the line... there's nothing I can really do to make the line stronger but wait... I need to convince myself that I'm going to have my period in a few days, which is why I spotted earlier. So that when it comes, I won't be disappointed. Damnit, maybe I should forget the photo frame idea... if I am pregnant, and if I wait for a few days and test again, and it's stronger, maybe I should take the opportunity of my parents coming to see us in the new home to give them the news... My mum is coming up on Saturday with her partner Dave, and Jonathan's parents, Betsy and Steve are coming along the same day (since Dave and my mum haven't seen Betsy and Steve since our wedding almost three years ago!). Dad and his wife, Caroline, are coming over on Monday. What do you think? I'm so impatient at times, and my excitement does kind of get the better of me in a lot of cases which makes me blurt things out haha :) Although, here I go again.... acting like it's a sure thing that I am pregnant... * slaps self * You're NOT pregnant Nicola... you're imagining the line... * breathes deeply *

Edit: I keep looking at the test. I can't help it. It's like I'm either afraid I'll look at it and that line I keep seeing will disappear, or perhaps if I keep staring at it, it'll get stronger. I can't wait for Jonathan to get home and tell me he sees it too... Alice: You've used those cheapo tests before right? (well, I did follow the link from your page when I bought them last year) Any line on them no matter how faint means positive right? Part of me just DOESN'T want to believe it. But part of me inside is leaping and screaming "You're pregnant!!! You're going to have a BABY in your arms before Christmas!" Part of me is thinking - do I test again first thing tomorrow? Or shall I wait til Friday? I heard an advert on the tv just now for ClearBlue digital tests that say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" on them... making it easier to know even in early pregnancy. I can't believe it... will I have to change that header image to say "Nicola's Pregnancy Journal" so quickly already?? It seems just so surreal that something that starts out as a line on a little strip of cardboard will so quickly turn out to be a human being. Whenever I read in Alice's pregnancy journals about things like "Bean is now one inch long" or "Bean now has fingernails" it never really occurred to me that one day, in my own body, this would be happening... I guess part of me believed that I would never get pregnant, that somehow I would be incapable of getting pregnant.

But... I can SEE the line... I've picked up that test about 20 or more times today... and every single time I've managed to see the line. I need to find a new doctor....

I have no maternity clothes.... my bras I have at the moment do not fit me properly even now... pregnancy scares the hell out of me... but at the same time, I'm reaaaally looking forward to it! When does morning sickness kick in? 6 weeks? Goodness I hope I don't get it lol :) I was beginning to wonder even a few days ago whether I was or not, because I had to wee about 4 times during the day we moved house. And then I got such awful back pain, which I assumed was because I was moving some boxes around. But it was SO. Bad. I was screaming in agony whenever I moved an inch, I think I really scared Jonathan with it... :( I know if he'd been how I was, screaming in agony, I'd be worried like hell for him.

I've not done a lot of unpacking today � not since I did the test. I've done a load of washing, chatted to our next door neighbour, watched some TV... and in between all that, looked at the test! I told Jonathan about the pink spotting, he said "Isn't it possible to bleed a little while pregnant?" I can tell he'll be sooo supportive about everything.

Right now, I just need him to come home, and tell me if he sees the line too!

Another edit: He saw the line but had trouble, and thought it might have been just the slight discolour of the different material in the stick. And I had another bit of spotting, browner this time, and getting a little worried about it :( Trying not to think about it, but at least it's helping me to remain more negative heh :S

Tired

I'm tired. I can't wait til we can just kick back and relax in our new house. Can someone come finish off the packing and the moving? Thanks.

3 days til the move

Three days until we move house!

We've been very busy packing, we have so many boxes it's hard to imagine how it all fit in this tiny place! A lot have been taken to the in-laws where they're holding stuff for us til we move, and a few boxes have gone to my mum's she came up to help us pack a few boxes and take stuff away.

We're over half way done (maybe almost 75% through) for 3 days solid packing (we started on Saturday). I thought I'd post now, since when we move we're going to be without the internet for a week or so, although there'll be lots to keep me occupied, all the unpacking! We had a huge stack of newspapers by the front door (the freebie ones that come) and we didn't bother to do anything with - they've come in extremely useful! (Used a lot of them while packing - when we unpack we're going to unearth a rain forest of scrunched up newspaper :S

I've kept some sanitary towels unpacked, for incase my period comes... If my cycle this month is 28 days (last month it was screwed up due to my stress) I'll be due around the 16th, so it'll be handy to have them easily accessible. I'm not really keeping watch for any "signs" that I might be pregnant this month. Just taking each day as it comes and seeing what happens.

If there's nothing significant happen I won't post here again before we move - in which case it could be almost 2 weeks before I post here again. Hope you're all well, and nice to see Mamabean's new bump growing!

Ovulating around now, if my calculations are right :)

The last week or so we've been packing up our belongings ready for the move, all spare clothes, DVDs, CDs, sheets, etc. There are only 11 days til we move, which is getting closer, luckily Jonathan has the week off next week, and we've managed to unload several boxes onto Jonathan's parents, and my parents, which they can bring along shortly after we've moved. So the living room is looking less cluttered, as is our bedroom.

All the while, Jonathan and I have been having intercourse regularly. We've had intercourse every other day at least from the day my period stopped to present this month, which should optimise our chances for conceiving - much more than last month anyway, as we had not started trying til about two weeks after my period had stopped for that month, so more than likely after I had already ovulated. I've been enjoying it too. I just need to make SURE I don't start testing. It's very tempting, but it will just serve to add stress. I'm just going to carry on the way we've been going - having intercourse every other day, until my period comes. And if it doesn't come, I'll wait a few days, then test. We should be in our new place by the time my period is due.

Going by the ovulation calendar on the Babycenter site, I'm most fertile this month from 27th Feb to today - maybe I should make sure that we have intercourse today just to make sure ;) If we DID get pregnant this month, our baby would be due around the same time as my nephew was born last year - late November!

Lots of news, mainly about my nephew Ewan

My period has come :) How funny that I'm glad it's here, better late than never (well ofc unless you're pregnant :P ). I guess this month will mark the first full month of "trying" since last cycle we started half way through, I may have already ovulated before we started trying.

The contract signing went well, we have a provisional completion date of 14th March, which was 4 weeks from when we signed. We could have completed at the end of the month, but this way we have more time to sort out address changes, packing, etc etc :)

I guess this next piece of news will fit nicely here, since it is my TTC journal, which is traditionally about trying, and babies, etc. I saw my nephew for the first time last weekend since he was born last November. He was 10 weeks old, and I was so scared that I would be all weepy and broody and yeuck when I went there which would have affected the weekend terribly, but I only had one weepy moment, which was when I was holding him, and he stared straight into my eyes, and held my gaze, and then started to smile. :) He is such a beautiful baby :) He has his daddy's (and my!) chin hehe. I had held him for a while a bit before, but his eyes were everywhere, looking at everything around him. I had lots of cuddles with him on Saturday, I even managed to get him to stop crying a few times, by standing with him, jiggling and patting him. My brother took lots of photos of me with Ewan, and also with J and Ewan.

J seemed a little nervous, he was happy to hold him while sitting down, but didn't want to stand with Ewan, so when Ewan started getting a little fidgetty from not being able to see very much, J wanted me to hold him while standing. I'm sure he'll "loosen up" a little with babies once we have one of our own. He'll be great with babies once he becomes fully comfortable with them.

I still have a few concerns. One, being breastfeeding. I really REALLY want to breastfeed, and I just hope that the fact that my mum couldn't breastfeed my brother isn't hereditary - she said she didn't have enough milk to feed my brother. Which is exactly the same problem my sister-in-law is having with Ewan at the moment. My mum said that when I was born, she had loads of milk, but didn't want to breastfeed because of her bad experience with Stephen.

The other is lack of sleep. I don't know how I'll manage on 3 hours of sleep a day (which is usual for my sister-in-law at the moment). I'm guessing you just get used to it after a while, but I think I will have to prepare while I am pregnant by cutting down my long hours of sleep I have at the moment. I am too used to lie-ins, which I know half of the sleep I currently have will be a luxury once we have a newborn.

My sister-in-law was saying how she has no idea how people manage to deal with a newborn in addition to toddlers, since right now all of her time is taken up by Ewan. I think if she knew you, Alice, she'd think you were a hero! ;)

Period coming, house signing tomorrow

I think my period is coming - which is a big relief :) Lets hope it comes properly in a few days :)

Tomorrow J and I are signing the contract for the new house. It's very exciting, and I guess I shouldn't be in any rush to get pregnant as there'll be a lot of things to sort out for that, and when it happens, we'll be settled and can concentrate on getting the house "baby friendly". For now, it's exciting enough knowing we're moving to a house that's great, and where it WILL be big enough to have a baby or two ;)

I am a little concerned though about my cycle with this delayed period. Will I ovulate this cycle? Will I ovulate next cycle? I don't know what this stress could have done to it all. I guess J will be getting his way afterall - just doing it every two days when I'm not bleeding regardless ;) I might start to fertility chart when I get this bleed. Although I am two weeks late for my period now. We'll see what happens. I never realised how important it was to do what people were saying "relax and just enjoy it".

Anyway, hope you all have a happy valentine's day!