17 weeks, feeling good!

So I met with my new midwife this week. The one who I had throughout the entirety of all my other pregnancies is ill, and won't be returning as the surgery midwife. The new one seems ok. She seems initially friendlier than the old one (who warmed up after a short while in any case). She has seemed to move my due date to match the scan date, which I'm not pleased about, as it gives me 5 fewer days to go into labour naturally before the whole induction stuff comes into play again. Everything seems ok with me and baby. Heartbeat was found eventually, which was a big relief for me, as I haven't felt the baby move all that much. I have a bit, but it's often been with a bit of a question mark. As time goes on it is becoming more obvious, but still very much little pops. It seems crazy that in a few months they will be strong enough to take my breath away!

Emotionally, so far I've been pretty good!! I'm actually surprised, but unlike with particularly babies 2 and 3, where I had feelings of "oh my god what am I doing? Who was I kidding? I can't have another baby, I can't deal with the ones I have!" This time I'm feeling very positive... So far! The boys are still very excited about baby. Robert has said that he hopes it's a girl "so that she can boss my brothers around when she's older"!!! What makes him think she wouldn't boss HIM about too I don't know! 😜 Christopher is hoping it's a girl too. He wants to call her Daisy or Amelia. Neither of which I would put on the short list because the boys have a cousin Amelia and I don't particularly like Daisy. Maisy I like though. But this is all moot because baby will be another boy 😝. We might well find out towards the end of next month. I think I am feeling the most neutral over the gender of this baby than any after the first to be honest. I would be thrilled with a girl, but would be happy with a boy too because I am a boy mum. And I honestly don't see myself with a girl anymore. I thought Daniel was my last for a while, so instead of being a mum of all (three) boys, I'd be a mum of all (four) boys. And that's okay. Would I actually be missing out on all that much?

16 weeks 2 days

Well... I feel like I don't have much to say on here anymore. I don't know why. Anyhow, here's some stuff that's been going on.

1. I've been feeling some kicks - very light, and not as often as I did in the 14 week mark. I know there's nothing I can do, but wait for little one to get stronger before I'll feel his kicks more, as I know I'm probably busy when he is kicking.

2. Heartburn is here. Only occasionally so far, and not so bad I need gaviscon. But yep, seems to be a thing of mine in pregnancy, loverly heartburn!

3. Had my glucose tolerance test. Went and had it done Tuesday morning. Going to get the results next Friday, which also is Robert's 4th birthday, but he'll still be in nursery all morning, so that leaves me free to go and see what the news is.

4. I have been taking belly pictures - but got none online yet. I have a 5 week, 10 week and 15 week to go up.

5. I am definitely packing on weight - I just don't know if it's belly weight or just flab :S I fit in my size 12 jeans pre-pregnancy. I am now starting to get uncomfortable in the size 16 jeans I had kicking about. I have practically zero maternity clothes, due to me getting rid of most of them when I lost weight. Tops I'm not so worried about, although some winter ones would be good, but I definitely need a few trousers/skirts (hah, skirts, me??!!).

6. I am definitely able to feel the baby this time - physically through my skin I mean. With my last two pregnancies I was already obese at my booking appointment, this pregnancy I was, with a heavy cardi on, just a smidge into overweight. Sometimes I seem to "lose" the baby, I'm assuming maybe the baby is laying against my back. But at the times when I can lay in bed and see a bump, I can feel a hard lump, find a smooth line for the back, although I can't distinguish the head from the bum! This morning, baby was laying quite high up, on the right. I could feel the back running along the right hand side, crossing over my belly button which I found quite unusual for this gestation!

7. The study is decorated (minus a few finishing touches - a few patches on the ceiling mainly! Carpet is in, and the computers are down, but the upstairs ex-study is still a junk pile, with lots of stuff needing sorting out!

8. Kitchen has been ordered, with work starting on the 26th November. It'll be continuing for 2 working weeks, hopefully with it being functional after 1 working week.

9. Hormones have been raging! I had one HORRIBLE day last week, where I felt unloved, friendless, useless and so on. I've been feeling much better since, so I'm hoping it was simply hormones!

34 weeks 2 days - preparations

How crazy is it that it seems almost every time I update here the weeks seem to be one higher than the one before? The time is going so quickly. I thought it would drag once I got the diabetes diagnosis, but actually, it seems to have sped up. Especially since my consultant appointment!

The fact that they want to induce me at 38 weeks... something I have decided I would be happy with given the right circumstances "down there"... is making everything whoosh by in a blink of an eye. Not long til it's September, the most likely month of my baby's birth. I still can't believe it, that I might be having a baby NEXT MONTH when I had it in my head all along that it would be October.

I don't know what day they would want to do it, but if it is the date I am 38 weeks exactly it will be 23rd September. That is less than ONE month away. In fact it is 3 weeks 5 days away. I am scared, yet excited. There is so much to do, and one of those is sorting out the baby's sleeping arrangements. Of course in our room with us, but we have no moses basket (didn't have one with R, he went straight into the cotbed), and no other bed for R, so we went shopping today. Mainly window shopping, planning on buying a toddler bed for him, but in the end decided to buy a cot (not a cotbed) for Squidge, and we will convert his cotbed into the bed setting soon. We also needed more bedding and sheets, so bought those, and we'll be buying the cot on the internet.

Then we will be cleaning and tidying and packing away like CRAZY upstairs - lots of things to tidy out of reach for when Robert goes into his bed as he'll have free reign of everything in his room then! Going up in the loft etc to put things up and bring things down. It'll all be done hopefully before the baby is born but of course some things need to be prioritised!

Squidge is still somewhat of a wriggler. No big kicks as such anymore, but plenty of wriggles and "getting comfy" motions. I do find myself wondering what Squidge will look like, whether Squidge is a boy or a girl, what we'll call him if it's a boy, whether we'll keep our minds the same if it's a girl, how much hair, how the birth will go, how quickly I'll fall headfirst in love (unfortunately it took a while with Robert due to all those issues surrounding his birth). I also look forward to what the next 4 weeks bring. If my late pregnancy niggles will be as bad or not (weird thing to look forward to I guess, but maybe it's because so far they haven't been as bad??!!)

Also looking forward to all the rolling sweeping rippling movements on my belly, watching it bubble up and down. :) Less than 4 weeks. WOW. I really can't comprehend it!

24 weeks 5 days - update on my little monsters!

Well I'm back from holiday as you probably know. I will update about the holiday in another post, as only the first day's photos of the holiday have been sorted out and I would like to just put it all in together.

The holiday must have done Robert some good for his development, since we've been away, he has turned into such a little chatterbox! Still not many words or sentences of any kind, but his chattering has become a lot more conversational, AND he has added many more words to his vocabulary, and is using existing ones a lot more! He now says (of the top of my head) car, chair, again, blue, peas, spoon, erm... argh having a mental block.. there are at least a handful more words he's said but I can't remember them right now! Car is by far his most used word. If he sees a car go past, he exclaims "Car!" if he sees a parked car, "Car!" if he's playing with cars, "Car!" hahaha! He's also trying to count, he just says "da" but he gets the counting tone just right while he's doing it with the voice going higher at the end! Hehehe!

He will be 19 months old tomorrow. He is growing up so fast, it's almost like if I blink he will suddenly be 18 and going off to uni or getting a job or something! Some days I look at him and think "wow, he is getting so BIG" and when I see him with other children I think he does look big compared to them. And then other times I look at him (usually when he's standing next to Jonathan, where he barely seems to be a third of Jonathan's height) and he looks tiny, my little sweet boy!

I do feel guilty sometimes, if I have a bad day where Robert is being particularly demanding (I wouldn't say naughty, just inquisitive, or testing boundaries) and I've found him hard to deal with, I moan on my facebook a lot. And reading back, it does sound like I am so ungrateful for him, that I don't enjoy being a mum at all. Which isn't the case, I love him to bits, but of course sometimes I guess it doesn't come off like that, and I hate that people might think I don't love my son, so I'm trying so hard not to sound off on facebook regarding Robert. If I have a hard day for other reasons I will put it on there. I guess it's just one of those things you have to think twice about!

With regards to Squidge, well I saw the midwife yesterday afternoon. She took my blood pressure (110/65) and tested my urine which was clear, then she measured me, and Squidge is measuring a whopping 28cm! I thought she only measured me at 28 weeks with Robert but maybe she wanted to measure me earlier due to his size, or maybe I'm mis-remembering. She then told me that she wanted me to get a glucose tolerance test to check for gestational diabetes if I was happy to do that, and she also said she'd like me to see a consultant. She basically explained that as I was thinking about a home birth they want to take as much precaution as possible to make sure that what happened with Robert doesn't happen again, so if Squidge is as big or bigger than Robert, we'll have to discuss things with the consultant and see where we go. I know I'm not a medical expert, but from the way Robert's body was born immediately when I stood up and pushed, that implies to me that it wasn't shoulder dystocia but rather bad positioning previously especially considering Robert's size.

But either way she made it clear to me that it would be very much a two sided conversation, and my opinions and feelings would be considered, and that if I decided to go ahead with the home birth that I would be supported in this decision. I told her that I hadn't 100% decided on a home birth, that I am keeping an open mind and will see what happens, but also that I expected the same from my care givers, that they would keep an open mind for me as well. I think that seeing that I wasn't just steadfastedly demanding that I have a home birth no matter what, that I was considering the views of her and that I would consider what the consultant said, has made her more open to me and my wants, which is good.

I'm pleased in a way that I am getting the GTT and seeing the consultant, because it shows they are going out of their way to try and make things easier on me, and while it still seems to me that I have a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy at the moment, it does give me comfort that I'm not just being left to my own devices like I was with Robert. If that makes sense!

Anyway! Squidge is really quite the wriggler. Last night as I laid down, he started squirming SO much it felt like arms and legs were poking out all over, if the light hadn't been off it would have been quite some viewing! lol! Sometimes when I feel Squidge move or kick it's sort of easy to imagine how someone COULD put them off as wind, or muscle twitches, or whatever. But I was laying down and feeling Squidge fight his way through my skin almost last night and wondered how anyone could possibly feel something like that and not know they were pregnant!

With Robert I commented on his 24 week bump picture as him being such a wriggler, and then on the 28 week one I said I don't know how I thought he was so active back then as he got so much more active since then! So god knows what Squidge'll be like in another 4 weeks! And will Squidge be measuring 4 weeks ahead still when I next see the midwife! I will be updating the belly gallery soon, I took some when I was 24+1 in Cornwall so when I get the photos I'll be adding them! :)

Anyway, I have a lot of sorting out, tidying, cleaning, unpacking to be getting on with, possibly another load of washing from the holiday to get in the machine. I want to rearrange the living room! I want more room!!! Arghh! I want next door to put their house up for sale so we can buy it and knock it into one big giant super house! haha! But it's unlikely as it's rented out :( Anyway, that's all for now, hope you all had a great week!

20 weeks pregnant! Half way!

I cannot believe I am posting to say I am half way through this pregnancy already! Where has the time gone?

But before I do carry on I want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! to the commenters on the last entry! I miss getting comments, they make me smile!

Anyway! 20 weeks. TWENTY weeks! I cannot believe we are here already!

I feel Squidge kicking several times every day! I LOVE it! And, big news, about 5 days ago, Jonathan felt him kicking for the first time! This is WAY earlier than with Robert, which happened around 21 and a half weeks. So over TWO weeks earlier! Squidge is kicking as I am typing this, and it's making me smile. How I LOVE love LOVE the kicks and wriggles! And I'm glad because last night Squidge was in a different position to normal and was booting my bladder! Eeeeshk! I completely forgot the whole bladder booting feeling! But he seems to be back in a normal position and booting the front of my belly. :)

Talking of bellies, I have a belly picture!



Taken a few minutes ago. :) I'll update the belly gallery later, there should be a 13 week one there but it's not linked in on the right yet, something else to do! And add an ultrasound gallery! Woop!

Oh and for comparison - here is Robert's 20 week belly picture



And on the matter of ultrasounds, my next scan is in 8 days. I'm so excited! We are still holding strong on not finding out the sex (although Jonathan would still happily find out if I changed my mind). I keep thinking in the back of my mind how I would like to find out, and then I think to the birth day of Squidge, and how lovely it would be to find out then! And especially if my mum is there, to have the baby born, see what sex it is, and then introduce the baby to my mum with his/her name :)

Talking of names! (wow, I'm flitting about a bit aren't I!! So much to talk about!) We have FINALLY got somewhere with names! :) Girl's name is 100% decided, boy's name is decided too but I think a little less than the girl's name. I think we both like the girl's name more than the boy's name we've picked out, so I guess the boy's name is subject to change. I don't know if I want to share the names we've chosen yet! :)

One thing I will say is that the girl's name hasn't even been mentioned here at all! I just saw it on a name site, and thought "hmm, yeah I'll put that on the list" and then Jonathan saw it and said "Oh, I really like that name" and then I thought about it, and the more I think about it the more I love it! Her middle name though is one that's been mentioned here before :) I'm so excited that we've finally got names we agree on! It's a shame the boy's name isn't as WOW as the girl's name, if you know what I mean, but we'll see :)

Back on the note of pregnancy, I am feeling completely well! Apart from having to pee at 6am every morning if I've not already been even earlier in the morning! I had one slight twinge of heartburn about a week ago which disappeared fairly quickly, and nothing since. Looking back I was already riddled with heartburn by this stage with Robert!

Also, I have weighed myself, as I know I weighed myself around this stage of my pregnancy with Robert, and I am around 14 stone 11lb, a few days before my second scan with Robert I was 15 stone 11lb, so unless I gain a stone in 2 weeks I am lighter at this stage than I was with Robert :) I am very happy about this although I am fast gaining on 15 stone so I think I will more than likely be at least 15 and a half stone by the time baby is born, if not 16+ so I will need to lose 4 stone to reach my goal of 12 stone by the time baby is a year old. I am still determined to make sure I give myself a thorough kick up the backside to lose this weight and get down to a healthy happy weight! Within 2 years of the birth I would ideally like to be down to my ideal weight of around 10 stone, if I'm not already pregnant again hahaha! But I would be happy to start off another pregnancy at 12 stone rather than 14 stone+ I've had with Robert and Squidge ;)

Anyway, here's to another good 20 weeks, and I really hope they don't whizz by too quickly! (these have gone by so fast I can't believe how fast it's all gone!!)

17 weeks 2 days - active Squidge!

I've not been feeling too good for a few days now. Thursday afternoon I was quite irritable, by Thursday evening I was tired, my eyes were just ACHING and I just wanted to go to bed! Friday morning I woke up with a pounding head, a blocked nose, and a head just completely full of fluff! Jonathan suggested he took Robert to his parents for the morning, and I agreed. I took some paracetomol, got Robert ready, and off they went (after checking of course they were ok with it!). How lucky am I to have such wonderful retired in-laws? :) In the end they ended up having Robert the ENTIRE day and well I feel a little bad about having a lovely day relaxing and only missing my baby boy by the end of the day ;) I did a few bits of household stuff but not as much as I originally planned in my head at the beginning of the day!

Today I was feeling better in the morning so we went out as planned with them for lunch, and also saw my sister-in-law whose husband was at a concert or something. I felt fine up until about 3 o'clock or thereabouts. Jonathan, my mother-in-law, Robert and I had gone out for a walk around the village to the local park (which apparently is getting a huge amount of funding to spruce up soon - very exciting as it only has a slide, 4 swings, a see-saw and a basketball hoop) and then we went back via a field that had sheep in it (don't worry they never let us get close!) and I started getting a bad headache during the walk, and took some paracetomol when I got back, then started to feel tired again.

I laid down on the sofa for a while, and when I did, I felt *pop* *pop* going on as little Squidge thought this the perfect moment to do some kung fu in my belly :) What surprised me most was the force behind those little kicks as they were significantly harder than any other kicks I've felt recently! So much so I even put my hand on my belly to see if they could be felt from the outside! And I am actually thinking I *may* have felt one with my hand shortly into his/her kicking session!

It has made me more determined to set aside some "quiet" time during each day to lie down and see if I can feel Squidge as I nearly cried today I cherished every single kick with a big smile on my face :) I have been on the go all during this pregnancy and today I just realised how I should really just spend some time to enjoy the good things about it, especially now I am into the "good part"! ;)

I am still feeling pretty awful tonight, but hopefully Squidge will cheer me up somewhat later. :) And I have just under 4 weeks to go until I see Squidge again. Part of me feels a little strange that I won't be finding out the sex, that I'll be avoiding looking there, that Squidge will remain a s/he, but I'm so looking forward to seeing him/her again, seeing the cute profile, and hopefully finding out that s/he is just about as perfect as can be!

Another thing I am thinking of doing, is getting together some albums. As some of you know I make graphics, I am thinking of putting together scrapbooking pages of Robert, ranging from in the womb, newborn, BLW, new skills he has learnt gradually, and getting them all put into a lovely album as a wonderful keepsake for us, and then for Robert to have when he gets older. I would love to get started on this now, but it's nearly 11pm and I am getting tired. It might well be something I have to start at a later point, but I've wanted to get a proper PHYSICAL keepsake for Robert. We have so so many photos, all online... graphics I've made and had made for me... online... and other things like that. It would be lovely to have something to flick through and to show friends and family. So many things have progressed into the virtual world, now and again it's nice to revert back to the real world. :)

13 weeks 4 days - movements??!!

Well I am now definitely into the 2nd trimester, pretty much by any definition people or websites have ;)

Now with Robert I felt him move at 15 weeks roughly. For the last few days I have been pretty sure I've felt Squidge.... not 100% but maybe 85-90%. I know it's pretty early, as I was only just 13 weeks, but these times they have not been followed shortly after by farts! ;) I am hoping it won't be long before I know 100% that they are my little Squidge kicking away in there :) I was watching telly just half an hour ago or so, and I just suddenly felt something, even though my attention wasn't on feeling it, I think that was little Squidge.

I have no idea whether Squidge is a he or a she. Although I am tending to say and think "he" but whether that's because I'm used to saying "he" with a child of mine I don't know ;)

Oh something else probably regarding the pregnancy. Today, I have had the most disconcerting and uncomfortable tingly pains that are quite regular coming into my right nipple. I wonder if it has anything to do with my milk supply maybe diminishing due to pregnancy. I hand expressed a drop or two, and (sorry for TMI) it was white, but seemed slightly sticky. But after I expressed it, the tingling pain stopped... any opinions on that from people in the know? lol

Anyway, onto Robert news. He's been quite poorly for a while now, had a cough for almost a week, although it does seem to be lessening a bit now. The cough was sometimes so violent he'd make himself sick - he's been sick probably about 4 or 5 times to varying degrees over the last few days, although not today thank goodness. Only once was it really bad, the other times were just a small amount or a tiny dribble. I gagged away like crazy with the bad one, I couldn't physically stay to help clean up so went upstairs to run his bath. And then Jonathan brought Robert up with all his sicky clothes still on, so cue more gagging. I've felt a little bit on edge to be honest over the last few days. That bad sick incident I treated Jonathan horribly, I feel so bad about it, but I've also been very short on temper with Robert and not been as calm and loving towards my poorly child as I would have liked.

I have occasionally been thinking to myself that I just don't see an end... it sounds weird, I don't feel depressed really in any way but occasionally I just think oh no, now 5 days looking after Robert on my own... and then the weekend, and then we start all over again. I feel like there's no major "things" to look forward to like each week is just another week and then there's a week after that, then one after that, etc etc. Which sounds stupid because I'm pregnant! I have so many major things to look forward to! Big solid kicks, hearing heartbeat, scan, welcoming baby, and with Robert, his new achievements day by day.

I feel that Robert is verrrrry close to talking now. I think it could be within a couple of weeks that he says his first proper meaningful word. No I'm not classing "dadadadadada" or "mamamamama" as his first word! (and I don't know why but it bugs me when people class their 5 month old baby's "first word" as such!!!) He is babbling in a much more conversational way, every day seems to make his babbling more talk-like. And today in fact he babbled in such a way I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks and looked at him, wondering if he had in fact said something! He hadn't though I'm pretty sure, he just joined some sounds together into a word-like sound rather than the normal rarararara type thing!

I hope I have the patience to give him this week! After a brief energy spurt I now feel tired again which can't be helping matters! Anyway, I'm off for a shower now and then going to jump into bed. I've not had a lot of sleep lately, what with Robert waking up and coughing. I wake too it seems, then Jonathan snores and wheezes beside me so I dont get back to sleep for hours!! argh! But luckily my nightly visits to the toilet have lessened, I've not actually had a nighttime trip for a few days now which I'm glad about! :)

I hope you all had a fab easter weekend. x

39 weeks 2 days - midwife app today, lots of braxton hicks

Nothing yet! Well, not nothing. I had a whole load of braxton hicks earlier this morning but that's all. Got my 39 week midwife appointment this afternoon. It only seems like a couple of days since I last saw her. It was last Wednesday so 5 days ago. Robert's still moving around in there okay. I am wondering if he's actually a quiet baby - I've read people saying how their full term babies squirm and kick and punch around in there like good-uns, yet Robert doesn't do much of that at all, just the odd foot poking around, arms waving occasionally.

Anyway I know this is short and sweet but I'm quite tired and think I might take a nap before I have to go down to the surgery this afternoon. Will update soon! x

38 weeks 4 days - heartburn heartburn more heartburn, major sugar cravings, mw app etc

Heartburn heartburn and more heartburn. That's been the recurring theme over the past several days. I get heartburn at night, heartburn during the day, heartburn when I sit or lie down, it doesn't seem to matter. I'm happy for Robbie to stay put for a little while longer if that's what he wants and/or needs, and I am still cherishing the wriggles, pokes, brushes with his arms or feet. But it would be nice for him to come out so I no longer have to deal with the heartburn alllll day long!

Swollen feet are still there, but I do try and keep my feet up, or if I notice my feet have suddenly ballooned I go and lay down (and try and deal with the heartburn that inevitably comes!).

There is still a lot of work that needs doing in the spare room, and it will of course be easier to sort before Robbie gets here, but if he gets here sooner rather than later, then it's in a state where it can very quickly be made suitable for his changing/dressing. We don't have a nursery as such, which I'm conflicted about. I see people saying they are sorting the nursery, and they get it all decorated in nice kiddie colours and borders and all painted. And here's us, with a cot in our room (still undecorated but then it doesn't really need it) of lilac and cream, the changing table and a chest of drawers in the spare room along with some chairs and a bookcase and a lot of thing strewn around (which will of course need to be tidied to avoid tripping or accidents). I guess a nursery isn't REALLY necessary... but it just feels a little like I'm not doing it right. I suppose the perfectly decorated room isn't necessary for a baby, as long as he has a place to sleep, clean clothes, clean nappies, food and lots of love and affection that's all that matters. The rest is purely cosmetic.

I've been craving more food lately, I seem to eat loads. Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast, then I had the curry I hadn't finished at the restaurant for lunch, then a few hours later I had FOUR slices of bread and butter, and then for dinner I had 2 rounds of cheese and pickle sandwiches. I've been craving sweet things a lot as well - I go through anything sweet in ultra quick time. And could really murder a chocolate bar, or a cake (huge slice of), or some of those gorgeous tesco bakery cookies (the biiiiiiig ones), or a big fat slice of tesco finest cheesecake or chocolate tart.

I might have to persuade Jonathan that we go to tesco tonight when he gets home from work, because even though I'd like cake, we are running out of bread and milk, and milk is still pretty much a necessity for me - I'm beginning to think we should buy TWO 6 pint bottles of milk whenever we go, it certainly won't go off! And it'll mean I can have more milkshakes etc.

Anyway, better head off now, have a wash and get dressed (yes yes I know I'm lazy!), also collect some wee for the midwife appointment this afternoon. I think she'll weigh me today - my notes have a space for "BMI at 38 weeks" so that'll be fun fun. I've not weighed myself for ages, but I'm guessing I'm over hmmm... 230-240lbs. If not more. I was fast gaining on 100kg back in July which was the weight limit for a stool thing Jonathan bought me for my birthday. And that's 220lbs. I will definitely do my best to trim up a bit before I get pregnant with #2. Will help with energy levels and hopefully swelling. Right, well keep well, tata!

37 weeks 6 days - pain on one side of my uterus, end drawing nearer now

Hi girls: I have a question I could really use your input with, if you know. A few days ago I got a pain on the left hand side of my uterus that felt like it was a muscle pull or something similar. It went away quite quickly, but then last night I got another pain, again on the left hand side of my uterus, and it was very painful! If it had been all over I might have thought it would have been labour, but it wasn't, it was just on the left. Is it ligament pain? I think I've had ligament pain before in this pregnancy but it was never that painful. Anyway as it was bedtime anyway I went and laid down on my left hand side, and started doing some special breathing techniques to try and get rid of the pain, and while I could still feel it, it became a lot more bearable and then eventually went away.

It was quite worrying though, I was half considering phoning up the labour ward to speak to a midwife about it, but then it did go away and didn't come back.

Robert is still nice and active, mainly lots of little wriggles or pokes with his hands or feet. I am just so scared that I could have come all this way with him, and then something happens inexplicably. That something could happen so quickly there'd be nothing I could do about it! But each day I greet his wriggles and pokes with joy, knowing that he's okay. And looking forward to the day I get to meet him. Which could be so soon now! It really does feel like it could be any day, and I am just taking each day as it comes. I am at the moment thinking that he will be nice enough to wait until we can birth him at home, which is TOMORROW! I really don't mind when he comes as long as it's between tomorrow and 2nd December. Although the sooner after tomorrow the better! My poor feet can't take much more of this swelling! Hehe. And I don't really want to get started on the other half of my huge Gaviscon bottle. Oh my precious little boy... I so can't wait to meet him. To stare into his eyes, and cuddle his body close to mine. And to see the pride in his daddy's eyes in the moment we first become parents. I can't believe we've almost made it....

36 weeks 2 days - swelling update, hypnosis, braxton hicks (lack of!)

It's J's birthday tomorrow, and I'm still waiting on an order with his presents to arrive! Arghh! Apparently they were dispatched Friday afternoon, so I'd damn well hope they'll arrive today! Got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow, what with the surprises I have to prepare for him. Although he may have an idea what they are since we went shopping yesterday and there were some "odd" items on the list! Hahaha! But I won't spell it out since I think he did read my diary yesterday and he might again today! You'll have to wait until Wednesday before I tell you. Hehehe.

I'm feeling quite chirpy lately. Even despite having to get up last night for peeing, heartburn AND suddenly getting a sicky feeling in my throat. Heh. But I am loving Robert's squirms. It's strange, on the november forum I read, someone was saying how her little one hiccups lots too and she doesn't like it, and how she will miss his kicks and squirms but not the hiccups. I was thinking lately how although the hiccups sometimes do annoy me (the constant blipping feeling down in my tummy can be very disconcerting!), I do still like them (not as much as kicks and punches and wriggles), and I will certainly miss them. But sometimes they are nice reminders that he is in there and still ok (!!) even when he doesn't feel like wriggling.

I am terrified beyond words that I could lose Robert before he is born. Of course losing him at all would absolutely devastate me, but to not be able to hold him and watch his tummy rise and fall, to watch his precious face sleeping, or looking around with beady inquisitive eyes. I just hold on to each and every movement he makes, every kick, every punch, every stretch and squirm, every bout of hiccups. And treasure each and every one.

About the swelling - I am trying to take it easier lately. Although some days I don't lay up most of the time and therefore I do get balloon ankles by the afternoon. It's a lot less often I get pains in the sides of my feet from walking on puffy feet/ankles, and if I do get them, I go and lay down immediately. I'm trying to drink more too, even though it means I go to the toilet over 10 times a day. But the short of it is that I'm coping with it. And I'm thinking less about it too, and letting it get me down less.

I'm now definitely onto the thinking about getting the house sorted. The back room is still quite messy. We have the changing table up and stocked full of nappies, and wipes, and powder, etc. The next job for me will be to sort out a hospital bag (Can't be too careful!!! Although I am hoping for a home birth there's no saying that I won't have to go in! Either because of special circumstances that arise during labour, or because of premature labour. If I go into labour this week I will have to go into hospital!

That's another thing thats worrying me. People are talking on the November forum about how they are getting really strong braxton hicks all the time now. And for me, I get nothing! Well, occasionally I feel like my uterus has tightened up, but apart from me feeling it with my hands, I cannot tell! I don't get any outside sensations... I'm absolutely terrified I won't actually KNOW when I'm in labour! Unless of course the labour sensations are stronger than my braxton hicks if you can call them that. Maybe it will take me a little while before they start becoming stronger, as most of the November women are due before me (as they would be really, with me being at the end! Haha). I guess I wait and see!

Oh! Something I didn't mention last entry was that Jonathan put on one of his new albums he got for his birthday - a Sarah McLachlan one. Some of the tracks were - odd... and rather upbeat, but as we were listening, he would skip over those ones. The other ones were lovely. And after a while of sitting next to J and listening to them, I realised that I had managed to put myself into a really deep hypnosis (without even trying!). I was aware of the songs, aware of when Jonathan skipped a song, but I was sitting there, my arms flopped down beside me, my legs outstretched onto a beanbag in front of me, and they just felt like lead, like I couldn't move them even if I wanted to. My feet tingling, my face and body so relaxed. It was lovely! Exactly the state I need to be in when I'm in labour. It took me ages to be able to shake my body into being able to move and get up. One thing I remember though is that even just sitting there I did feel very parched - so J really will have to make sure I'm getting enough liquid.

Ahhh I am really looking forward to it!! I'm so glad to say that I am! :) Not least because I will get to meet my sweet squirmy little boy! Ahhh I can't wait!

35 weeks 6 days - forum signature, christmas, squirmy little escape artist

I've ordered some things for Jonathan's birthday next week yesterday. Was going to do it on Tuesday but since it said despatch was next day, I thought I'd wait til I knew I'd be in the house all day. I've got him some things I know he needs (and hopefully he'll like), I won't say here just yet incase he reads this! (I don't think he bothers to read this much anymore, but can't hurt to be careful!) At the same time I also got some bits for me that I need to see me through to the end of this pregnancy.

A woman on my EDD forum, who's actually had her baby now, but she was initially due in November before they moved her dates.. anyway she stuck around in the November thread, and she's got such a pretty forum signature, I asked her where she got it from, she sent me the link and I went along to see if I could get myself one too.. Basically people there make others signatures in their spare time for fun, I guess a little like the web designs I did over at RP Designs for a while. Except theirs are custom made, you go and post a photo, say what you want it to say, etc, and they make it. They still have quite a lot of creative freedom over it. But anyway, I'll post it here because it's too cute!!

I got it from Custom Keepsakes if anyone's interested in getting their own done, you register, and then post in the request section with the information they set out in a sticky, and then someone will pick it up. :)

Robert's been a squirmy little chap again today. Did another escape attempt earlier. And he keeps waving his hands and arms around in there! It's quite cute and funny. :) I can't wait til my next midwife appointment! I am so eager to see how much he's grown, even if "inside tummy" measurements aren't that accurate!! ;) And tomorrow will be time for another belly picture. I keep thinking he's dropping a little, but then I'll think "no he hasn't" because he still feels quite high up near my ribs, and theres still a lot of floppy skin under the bump (haha!). I can't believe tomorrow I'll be 36 weeks. How crazy is that!!! 36.. wow. It's still kinda setting in for me that I am actually pregnant (LOL!) and that so soon I'm going to have a baby... a new chapter of my life starting as a parent... so exciting, so scary.

I got a text from my brother yesterday, saying "Do you think we should do presents only for the children this year?" which was like wow - this christmas, both me and my brother will be PARENTS! With children! I replied back saying that this year, no adults will be getting presents from us at all, and that if they wanted to do the same with us then that was fine with us. We will be getting Ewan something (although what I have no idea!!! And I have to find something for his birthday too!), and also my step-cousins a little something each for Christmas. But apart from those, everyone else is getting cards only. Until we get our camcorder out! ;)

Oooh, talking of which, if anyone would like to send me their postal address, I'd love to stalk... ahem I mean I'd love to send you cards this year, just send me an email, and I'll add you to my christmas card list!

Anyway, hope you're all well, and *hugs* to Becca, I'm sure your little munchkin will be along soon! Just stay positive! xx

35 weeks 5 days - BP down, cheap baby clothes, more irrational worries

The waterbirth information evening was interesting. However it was a waste of almost an hour for some poor woman who came in, and then towards the end asked if she could use the pool as she'd previously had a cesarian section (the midwife leading the session had towards the beginning said what conditions had to be met to be able to use it, including being full term, not on certain painkillers, etc but not mentioned cesarians), at which point the midwife said "no, sorry." So the woman got up to leave as at that point there was no reason for her to stay. I felt sorry she'd sat through all that for nothing.

What Jenny had told us about hospital led sessions about labour etc was true, talking very much about pain relief, so I tried my best to let that go in one ear and out the other. She then showed us a video of a water birth, which I thought was ok (I was expecting screaming and stuff or at least something more horrendous generally than I'd seen during the hypnobirthing classes), but afterwards, one of the pregnant women there said "I don't want to give birth now!" when the midwife asked if there were any comments. At some point the woman on the video cried out "Jesus Christ!!", presumably as the baby was crowning. But that was it really... *sigh*

Anyway. My BP is down to normal again, although the nurse that took it seemed very flustered and as though she wasn't very organised... And she used a bigger band to take my BP, and started off using her finger to take my pulse, and then switched hurriedly to using the stethoscope. But I shall wait and see what happens next wednesday with the midwife home visit.

This morning I also on a whim phoned a number in a newspaper advert, the classifieds, which was advertising big bags of 30+ items per bag for baby boys clothes. The newspaper was from June this year, so I wasn't holding my breath for them to still be available, but the woman did still have a bag of 0-3 month old clothes, and a bag of 6-9 month old clothes, which we can get for �10 a bag! She said she also had a baby bouncer and a baby beanbag she wanted to get rid of, both in good condition for �20. Bargains! It's a bit of a journey - 1 hour 20 minutes there and back, but will probably be worth it! Kettering Hospital, where we are having the various classes is about half way along the route, so it might be worth stopping by after the class to pick them up then.

Onto other news/revelations: I am beginning to wonder if Robert can really be classed as an "active" baby. I thought he was quite active, and he does indeed at times have extremely active moments, but lately, he does seem to be not very active. I'll feel an occasional foot sweep around the top of my bump, and the occasional light brushing feeling of a hand moving around "down there".. but big squirms seem to be very few and far between. And I have no other frame of reference to know whether he is in fact average, under average, or over average on terms of squirminess. All I know is that I look out for movements of any sort, and as long as I feel several a day I don't worry too much.

It does petrify me the thought that after such a long time of getting to know the squirmy little thing inside me the thought that something could happen... inexplicably, and he could be still born. Something like that happened to someone on the forums I read recently. Someone was due middle of October, and her baby died around the end of September, born a couple of days later. So sad... and I wish I wasn't the sort of person to dwell on these things. When someone lost their baby at 20 weeks (due same date as me), I was convinced it may happen to me too, and I was so scared. Now I'm reaching the end of my pregnancy, it's like the worry is still there, like it will never go away. I'll probably be the sort of mum to rush upstairs every 15 minutes to check on her sleeping baby to make sure he's still breathing.

Anyway, I'll leave off for now. Hope you're all having a fab week.

35 weeks 3 days - sleepless night, last blood tests done (yay)

Hi girls, back again! Thought I'd update now, because I will most likely be in bed sleeping or on the sofa for the rest of the day. I'm absolutely shattered. Went to bed around midnight, when my left leg started aching away, muscular pain of sorts. I can't remember how many times I turned over in an attempt to curb the aching. In the end I sort of groaned frustratedly, woke J up who asked what the matter was. I told him and he said "Why don't you take some paracetomol?" I don't know why, but whenever I'm in pain lately, pain killers seem to be the LAST thing on my mind. I just don't think about them at all. Anyway, I figured it can't hurt, so I got up, took a couple, sat back on the side of the bed. My leg was still throbbing so I thought I'd stay up for a while until the pain killers kicked in. In the end I was up until 5.30am. Got back into bed, laid down, and typically it was this moment that a tiny little boy decided to start squirming around and got the hiccups. Argh!! It wouldn't have been so bad, except for the fact that I was booked in at the GP to have my arm poked with a needle at 9.45am. So rather zombie-like I got up when J left for work at 9am, got ready, drank the tea he brought me, and then went out to the surgery.

I reckon I can't have got more than 3 hours proper sleep last night. Ah well, I'll make up for it later.

I can't really remember what else I was going to write about. I was sure there was something, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I guess that's a good thing, and since Robert is quiet, now would be a good time to jump back into bed and try and get a bit more sleep.

I hope you're all ok! xx

35 weeks 2 days - appointment at GP, escape-artist son

I did a fantastic job today of keeping off my feet! I feel so proud! Haha. And my feet are happier with me for it too. I did however phone up the labour ward (due to midwife being on holiday) to ask advice, and I got asked lots of questions about my general health, and so on, at which point the midwife I was talking to said that it didn't SOUND like I had pre-eclampsia, but that I should try and get my BP taken in the next couple of days to make sure. So I phoned up the surgery, and unfortunately they had no slots for tomorrow morning, when I was due down there for blood tests, so ended up going this afternoon to see the practise nurse for BP and urine testing.

Urine showed no protein, temperature was 37.1 which I assume is normal? As body temp is usually around 37 degrees but not sure whether it should have been slightly higher for pregnant women. Pulse she said was 98. She didn't say if that was normal or not. But my blood pressure was higher than normal :( At my antenatals it has ranged from 110-115 on the top figure and from 60-70 on the bottom figure. My BP was 148/66 on the first reading, going down to 132/64 after a couple of readings. The nurse phoned through to the doctor, who advised her to book an appointment for me to come in again on Wednesday for repeat testings. So lovely jubbly - three consecutive days trapsing down into town to the GP...

Robert has been extremely active today. And by extremely active, I mean woah... earlier today he did a series of movements I can only describe as escape attempts. It really did feel like he was trying his hardest to get out!!! And since then he has been fairly squirmy, but in the sort of way it just seemed like he was trying to get comfortable.

I can't believe Robert is so very nearly at the gestation Alice's Nathan was at when he was born! I look at the photos of him, and can't believe that my own little boy is probably a similar size to that! And oh my gosh, looking at them especially the ones of him curled up on Alice's belly is just making me ACHE for my own little son to be here and in my arms!

I can't believe how quickly time has flown. In two days time (TWO!!) it will be only ONE month until my EDD. Four and a bit weeks. I can't fathom it. I am so excited, so full of anticipation. What will my baby boy look like? I just cannot wait. *wistful sigh*

35 weeks 1 day - painful swelling continues

The swelling is still here. I'm beginning to get worried it is pre-eclampsia because of how quickly it seemed to come about. That and people on my due date forum saying "oh, you should get it looked at, it might be pre-eclampsia.." and it's like... I KNOW swelling can be a sign of pre-eclampsia. I was just going to wait until the 29th, but now I'm thinking I shouldn't.

I'm also worried about the blood tests I have on Tuesday, I have to go down there and back. And worried about Thorpe Park, whether I will be able to go or not, but more that I don't know if I'll be able to go or not. If I can't go, I'll get over it, but I am looking forward to it, and it would be nice to know in advance if I couldn't go. If I knew I had pre-eclampsia I'd know I wouldn't be able to go, since people with that get put on bed rest.

I'm also worried because I'm in PAIN with the swelling. My feet balloon up to such an extent that after a while, walking on them causes such a sharp horrid pain on the side of my feet, that's like a painful pins and needles sensation.

I'm worried that I won't be able to cope with bedrest if I get told I need to do it. Since Wednesday I have been trying to make myself get more rest with my feet up, but I've been so BORED of just watching tv, or laying down in bed, I keep getting up to do things, make myself food, clear up, sit at the computer and do things... I'm worried that it would be harder on Jonathan as well.

However, slightly better and upbeat news is that Robert has been very active the last few days. Last night he kept me up for ages with his squirming and poking and prodding and twisting, but I didn't really mind, it felt kind of nice to have him so active. He did the same again when I went and laid down earlier when my feet starting becoming painful. But yes, up I am again. But all his pokey movements have really helped me to realise how big he's getting, and that he's an actual baby (yes yes I know!) and that he'll so soon be here... I can't wait to meet my little pokey man...

34 weeks 6 days - feeling a bit better, still swollen though

Feeling a bit better than yesterday, although the swelling continues. They are back down to normal again this morning, but I'm sure by the time I get to mid afternoon I'll have ogre feet again. I got woken up by a phonecall today, I lay there wondering if Jonathan was going to pick it up, but realised that he'd already gone to work and that I'd have to answer it. It was a withheld number. The woman who was on the phone checked I was who she thought I was, and then said "Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?" At which point I thought "darn, I guess I didn't make my voice sound awake enough!" Then she launched right into saying something, and I was thinking who on earth was this? I interrupted her to ask who this was, and she said "Oh, sorry, it's the surgery, your husband called us." I didn't know he had called her, it turned out that he'd phoned to ask who was going to come and do the antenatal at our house on the 29th, as her phone message had said she was on holiday until 3rd November. The lady from the surgery told me that she'd phoned up the community midwives office, who'd told her that Beverley had only booked off ONE week, and would be back at work around 23rd/24th October.. Hmmm... So it will apparently be Beverley coming on the 29th.

Robert is squirming around gently as I write this, which is nice. It's amazing how totally UNpregnant I feel when he is completely still. I feel smaller, I get no heartburn. I sometimes wonder where he's gone when he's completely still. Makes me a little nervous truth be told. My brain tells me that he is of course still there, but I can't help but wonder if he somehow slipped out without me noticing! Haha!

I am beginning to notice that a lot of times I get heartburn are when he's actually wriggling around, poking his feet around near my stomach I suppose.

I also feel a little silly sometimes... I'm nearly EIGHT months pregnant, and I still cannot fathom that I have inside me an actual baby. A tiny human being. He's over 5lbs now, and there have been full term babies born at this weight. And yet... I cannot see him in my mind's eye as a baby. Does this sound strange? I don't know what exactly I see him AS, maybe it's the concept of him being a baby who so soon will be as big as newborn babies are. Like I can't imagine how such a big baby can fit in there.

I do find myself daydreaming over what he looks like. Yesterday I saw him for the first time as a tiny newborn, freshly out of the womb and still covered in vernix. He's always had dark hair in my dreams and daydreams. And he's always been perfect, so perfect and handsome. I wonder what colour his eyes will turn out to be. Both Jonathan and I have greeny/brown eyes. Mine are more of a mix, a hazel colour, whereas Jonathan's eyes are spectacular, he has a ring of brown on the inside, and a ring of green on the outside. Will our babies have green/brown eyes? With dark hair like their parents? Or will we get a completely different mix? Will Robert end up being a blonde haired blue eyed boy? Or even a red haired boy?

Last night I felt completely drained. J was so good, he went and put on some food, while I laid on the sofa resting my eyes. He then tested the CD player we had replaced from John Lewis (portable one for the birth). He even gave me a head massage as I laid there, with the Orgasmatron - named because it can feel so good you end up moaning orgasmically! Hehe. Then he went and got the relaxation script and just started reading from it as the CD player with the relaxation music went on. Unfortunately I got a bit of restless leg syndrome as he was doing this, so I fidgetted quite a bit, but it was still nice for him to do it, without me asking. And then dinner was ready soon after he'd finished, which was yumm. Chicken kiev, chips and loads of veg.

Thanks for your comments about the swollen ankles. I know it is a normal thing in pregnancy, but it has so suddenly happened it's just kind of panicking. I'll just try and get rest during the days, and then bring it up at my appointment on the 29th when she usually asks if I have had any swelling. I guess until then I'll just have to put up with it! I have only had my legs down for about 45 minutes now and already they're tingling and look more swollen.. Oh well...

34 weeks 2 days - midwife app later, yesterday at the in-laws

Yesterday we had a long (but lovely!) day over at J's parents. Went over for lunch time, where we also saw Naomi (J's sister) and Barbara. Then had some tea and J's dad opened up his birthday presents from everyone (it's his birthday today). Barbara left shortly after that, as she lives in the same village it's only a short walk back for her, and then a while after that Naomi also left to go and pick up her fiance from the train station. One of the presents J got his dad was some external hard drive thing for the computer, which he then spent the next few hours setting up and installing things, etc, inbetween which watching the Formula 1 (I'm ashamed to admit I got into it a little while they were out of the room hahaha!). Anyway we ended up staying until about 9pm.

But Robert got some pressies too! Betsy (J's mum) had crocheted a white blanket and a blue jacket for him, and had bought from the market she has a stall on every week a couple of sets of knitted boots, mittens and hat, one in blue one in white. Something we were wondering about since we know what's going on with my parents is what they wanted to do about when Robert is born, and they said they'd come up as soon as they're called (time permitting!! haha) to come and see him. Which made me wonder what Mum had in mind if Robert decides to come into the world at some lovely hour like 4am...

Anyway, Jonathan decided to surprise me last night as we got into bed... no, not in that way! Hehe! No, he told me as he had Friday off, he'd taken today off too! Which I'm really excited about, because it means he can come to the midwife for the first time since the booking appointment!! He hasn't heard Robert's heartbeat yet! It's today at 3pm, so plenty of time to save up my wee. And as it's 34 weeks, she might talk to us about home birthing protocol and stuff. I'm actually getting really excited about giving birth. I know not a lot of women say this, they are usually scared shitless, it's something they "have to go through" and "get it over and done with". I'm so happy I'm not in that mindset!

I'm also glad, I've had fairly good nights sleep the last couple of nights. I *think* I only got up once last night for a wee, which is great! :D Ended up having a long and strange dream, possibly connected to the fact I heard from a friend I'd not spoken to since school back in 1999 or so via Facebook last night.

But I think I'm getting a cold. I have had several coughing fits this morning while in bed (and laying horizontally always makes them feel worse), and then a bit later on, I sneezed. Now I don't work in the Nursery I'm pretty much ok for colds, and get them very rarely. I think for the three years I worked there, I had pretty much a constant cold to some degree or other, which I'm sure Alice will attest to from Arthur going to playgroup and coming home ill each time!! But I guess with around 130 different children coming into the Nursery each day, it wasn't surprising (65ish in the morning, and 65 in the afternoon).

Anyway, I'll leave off here, and probably update later after the midwife appointment. I'm looking forward to seeing how I'm measuring again, if I'm still bang on or if he's had a growth spurt, or what. :) And also seeing if he's still head down. If he is, he'll have been head down for at least 6 weeks! I think he is still head down, Im fairly sure I'm still feeling feet up by my ribcage. And punches furthur down, some of which have been quite violent and made me jump! Hehe. He did about 4 of those while I was at the in-laws, it kept making Betsy giggle. Ok, well I'll update in a few hours, keep well, hope your weekends were good!

33 weeks 5 days - gross paranoid moment, slightly better sleep

I might have come up with a solution for my sleepless nights. Possibly. I still had a rather wakeful night last night, but after the last time I got up for a wee (was it 2? or 3? times), I went back to bed and instead of settling on my side, I laid on my back. I know I'm not supposed to be doing that, as it can cut off the blood supply to the baby, but also apparently you will be able to tell you should move long before that happens. But after that, I drifted off to sleep easily, and hell, I even DREAMED! (A weird one which included having to do up a house where all the floor boards were broken, half the rooms had no ceilings, and as such you could see through multiple floors. The bathroom being a mess, with the bath resting on a bed base (!!!) and generally loads of rubbish around. Dreamed that J and I would have to sleep on a make-do mattress on the floor on one of the newly floorboarded rooms. Nothing about the baby coming soon though, or me being pregnant)

Anyway, Robert's done several wriggles and squirms this morning to let me know that my sleeping on my back hasn't hurt him. Which I'm glad, not only for today, but also because yesterday I had a massive paranoid moment. I went to the toilet, wiped, and then stood up to flush, as soon as my hand let go of the flusher, I noticed in the bowl (Sorry!!!) that it was filled with a lot of black stuff. I didn't poo that time, I didn't remember pooing the last time and forgetting to flush, but I guess I must have done, but I was soo sososo paranoid at that moment that that black stuff (unusual colour for a start!!!) was actually a huge swirl of blood clot, or even (oh my gosh how stupidly paranoid of me to even entertain this - I would have felt it!!!) Robert's head covered in dark dark hair. But it flushed away easily so I concluded that the latter paranoid solution my brain had whisked up was stupid, but still I couldn't help but think something was wrong, so I sat down and wiped again, thinking if it was a blood clot there'd be some lingering evidence, which there wasn't. So in the end I put it down to some oddly coloured poo that I'd forgotten to flush away from the last time. And waited anxiously for Robert's movements. Which he has done several since.

I'm sorry for the grossness of this entry, but I felt I needed to document it. Don't know if it's just me or if a lot of pregnant women have these paranoid moments, but I know I can be a paranoid person at times. It's just in my nature, I seem to think the worst all the time. Like I think people think the worst of me, that way if they actually like me it's a surprise, and a nice one at that. And I dream up the worst senarios so that if they happen I'll be prepared. Or at least more prepared.

Right, well I should have said this earlier, but thank you, Becca for your comment on the last entry. I did need to hear that from someone else I think and well, it was just nice to hear it. xx

Anyway, gonna wrap this up for now again, it's another nice day outside so maybe another load of washing? (Gasp, go me!)

33 weeks 4 days - fed up, birth pools, etc

As much as I hate to say it, I am beginning to feel a bit down and fed up. The night before last I went to the toilet at LEAST four times during the night. Last night I managed to cut it down to three times. But I am still getting pain from turning over. And he's just so big. I'm fed up of struggling to put on socks and shoes to go out. I'm fed up of being so tired when I get up in the morning that I know I'll just need to have a nap or two during the day to catch up on missed sleep during the night. Last night as I crawled back into bed for the third time, I looked over at Jonathan and felt a little resentment! :( Because even when Robert gets here, I'll still be getting up every time he wakes (unless I cannot breastfeed), whether Jonathan gets up or not. So it's not like the sleepless nights I'm getting now will be magically over once the baby's here. But Jonathan will continue to get lovely long uninterrupted nights sleep until Robert's here. Whereas I won't. And I resent him a little for that, even though it's not his fault, and I know that if he COULD do anything to help me, he would, even if it meant him not getting a good night's sleep.

Most of all though I'm annoyed at myself for letting it get to me so much. I still have 7 weeks to go (possibly 9 if Robert's anything like I was) and I want to not spend it being grumpy, annoyed, and fed up of being pregnant. I want to enjoy it. And I do still enjoy Robert's movements. And I am enjoying seeing how my belly is growing bigger each week. And I'm enjoying being allowed to eat what I want, enjoying satisfying my cravings, and having them taste sooooo good when I do. I just have to try and focus on those enjoyable things, because I don't like the way my mindset is going right now.

I mentioned on a November due date board today how I was planning a home birth, and the first reply I got was "wow, you're brave!" *sigh* They didn't say why, but I'm guessing they're thinking home birth = no medication = ouch. Part of me feels a little annoyed at such people like that too. Part of me feels like all I want to do is "educate" people about childbirth because it does seem that the majority of people are clueless (sorry if that offended anyone here, but when all the comments I get are "wow you're brave" and "don't worry all the pain will be worth it" I have to wonder why these people sit back and just accept pain as part of childbirth). Part of me is grateful that I watched that Richard and Judy programme all those years ago, because I have a feeling that if I hadn't seen it I wouldn't have believed it either, nor known that such a thing as painless childbirth existed. Glad that it sunk so deep into a corner of my mind to unlock again when I had children to go and investigate it. And if I can get the birth I want, it'll be worth every penny we spent on the classes.

Oh, and I looked at a leaflet they gave us while we were there, and they sell birth pools for about £100. They're pretty local too. I looked online, and found HIRES for about £250, so I think a purchase for 100 is pretty good! Will just have to measure up and check there's room for it. Although it's yet another expense which J won't be keen on, but ah well.... It's his birthday soon as well, and I want to get him some bits for then, but since I don't work, it's *ahem* like he's paying for it. Anyway I'd better wrap this up now, It's a lovely day outside today so a load of washing would be a good idea, and also will hop in the shower while the washing's doing.

Hope you're all well, and thanks for reading my rants (again!). x