27 weeks 5 days - mothers instincts? Name spoiler finally!!

I don't know if it's because of the several dreams I have had now, but I can't help but think of Squidge as a little girl. Last night I was laying in bed, Squidge was being overly active, which was lovely and I was just watching my belly wobble around, feeling the little pokes wriggles and (for the first time this pregnancy!!) hiccups! I lay there looking fondly at my bump and allowing myself to daydream about little Erin (yes I finally succumbed, there you go!! That's our girl's name!!) joining us in October, signing cards from Nicola, Jonathan, Robert and Erin. I couldn't help but keep thinking about that name. And then I felt guilty, because what if it's Christopher and not Erin? Christopher still doesn't sit perfectly well in my mind and heart. Whether it's because I don't believe the baby is a boy deep down, or because I am thinking it's a girl because we both like the name Erin so much, I don't know.

I so want to tell myself that it's a boy. I just know so many people who are having girls and only a couple who are having boys so I just feel that for that reason I'll have another boy because then it'll be more even. I know it doesn't work like that but I can't help but think it. I'm actually terrified that by allowing myself to whole heartedly believe that the baby is a girl, that by thinking "Erin" automatically when I look at my bump, and feel the baby move, that I'm setting myself up for huge disappointment when I find out that I'm not having my Erin afterall. I can't believe what started out as a small niggly feeling in the back of my mind has now turned into such an overpowering feeling it's completely overriden my "boy" thoughts completely.

I keep thinking about the growth scans I am likely to get. Keep thinking "there's still that chance to find out". And I still think that although the urge gets stronger every day to find out the sex, will I be hugely disappointed that I caved in and disallowed myself the surprise? Part of me is looking forward to the surprise at the birth so much, but part of me now, with these overwhelming "it's a girl" thoughts is getting me scared that I will not accept a boy so lovingly in my mind if it's a surprise, especially since I have a leaning towards wanting a girl this time.

Every time I hear about someone who's found out they're having a girl, I inwardly groan, like it makes it less likely that I'm having one! How crazy is that?! I know that at the end of the day I will love my tiny baby boy just as much as if he were a girl, because I thought the same with Robert, I wanted him to be a girl, he wasn't, but I love him so much and wouldn't make him a girl for the world now! Wouldn't change a thing about him. He makes me so proud every day.

Anyway that's enough rambling about that. Tomorrow I will be having my 28 week midwife appointment, she will let me know the results of the glucose tolerance test I had yesterday, and do all the routine checks, and I'll talk to her about my birthing worries and my dreams and see what she says about that. I've not heard back from the community midwife office yet regarding my debrief on Robert's birth so I'll see what happens tomorrow.