26 weeks 5 days - random things

Firstly, I think Robert is in the middle of weaning himself :( He is usually most eager in the mornings, but lately, all he wants to do is immediately climb off the bed and go and play, no snuggle time for mummy and daddy at all :( He will occasionally come up to me afterwards and have some milk briefly, but it's never for very long anymore. And at night before bed he seems to sign milk very happily, but as soon as I lay down on the bed he goes to climb off, so more often than not lately he's been going to bed without having any milk at all. And I can't remember the last time he asked in the middle of the day. I still have 3 months to go of this pregnancy and it seems very likely he will have completely self weaned within a month, so by the time he's 20 months old. But if it is to be, it is to be. I'd much rather he wean himself slowly like he is doing than to suddenly stop. I think I will ask Jonathan to take some pictures the next time Robert has some milk, as it may be the last breastfeeding picture of Robert I have! I do so love the ones I have of him when he is younger, the last one we have is of him around 10 months old. So almost half his life ago!

Another thing is that the closer to the end of pregnancy I get (I know, I'm not even 3/4 of the way through yet!) the more I worry about a repeat performance of Robert's birth. Or perhaps not a repeat performance, but that worrying about Robert's birth will make me "clam up" during birth and make it harder on me. I have had some rather horrific dreams of late, one of which was only a couple of nights ago, I was in labour, and baby was in trouble, got itself into a strange position in the womb (its head was sticking OUT of my belly, so you could see its face and everything!). The midwife although they were around, was not with me and I couldn't find her. I could sense that in my dream I was tense and while I don't remember any pain I remember the stalling of labour and when finally the baby was born he (yes he) was in so much trouble breathing that I couldn't do anything for him and he died. :(

That is probably one of the greatest fears regarding Robert's birth. Both Jonathan and I were in so much shock when Robert was born that he wasn't breathing, and was blue/black all over, that if the midwives hadn't been around, he would have died. In fact, Jonathan told me that when Robert was born, he thought that Robert was already dead.

I read in the pregnancy book that came with the bounty pack I got at 8 weeks from the midwife a section on postnatal post traumatic stress disorder. When I read that section I thought "that's what I had". Symptoms including numbness to emotion, irritability, irrationality, depression. Caused by a fear of death either of yourself or your baby. While the anti-depressants I was on helped with the PND I suffered, I think there is some more work I need to do on Robert's birth and my worries surrounding this.

I still remember the numbness I felt after he was born. I remember sitting on the sofa numbly (fully naked but not caring!!!), watching them with Robert as they fought to get him breathing, I remember going into the ambulance, sitting on the seat in there and the midwife telling me it was ok to cry but I couldn't cry. I remember seeing him in the incubator for the first time after I'd had my stitches done and had a bath, and feeling nothing towards him. A day later I was able to cry. A few weeks after Robert was born, I was able to think back to the birth without immediately bursting into tears, but I then did sort of block it from my mind.

Now, with Squidge's birth getting closer and closer I can't help but think about Robert's again and I do have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it. I think it will be necessary to get some help in overcoming my blocked feelings towards his birth, it was probably something I should have done a long time ago but I am beginning to realise now that it is something that needs to be done, and when I see my midwife again in a week's time, I shall talk to her about it and see what she can suggest. I need to do something. For me. For Squidge, and for Robert too.

EDIT: Additional thoughts on the dreams since I first posted this entry.

The one I said above was only one half. The next half of the dream, I can't remember if it was a second one after having woken briefly and fallen asleep again, or if it followed on, but I was in labour again with a different baby. I remember the 2nd labour stalling again, as I was nervous due to the other birth, but after a while I sort of "swallowed" it, and just tried to put it out of my mind, and did what I thought I should. Again, there was no midwife around (although again, there was supposed to be one near), and I again birthed alone, bending down to receive the baby myself. The baby was ok, and I was so relieved, yet my feelings still seemed a little squashed. This baby, while looking practically identical to the baby boy who died, and was a similar weight (BIG!), was a baby girl.

I found myself wondering, if the first birth in the sequence was meant to represent Robert's birth, the baby who would have died if no midwives were around. And if maybe, some glimmer of hope, that the second birth, is meant to represent Squidge's birth, that while I still have some risidual feelings left over from the first birth, I manage to squash them, and successfully birth a healthy baby (GIRL????!!!) who even with lack of immediate midwife care would be alright?

I think I would still need to talk to someone, try and get these issues I have surrounding Robert's birth out in the open, but if the second half of the dream is a vision of Squidge's birth, maybe I should try and remain positive.