I've never been a very patient person, something that scares me about being a parent. Something that on occasion, like when I shouted at my poor boy the other day, makes me scared that I'll do something I'll severely regret. But I have discovered that patience seems to be a learned trait. And I am finding it easier to remain calm when my baby boy is inconsolable.
Getting up in the middle of the night isn't so bad. I don't mind particularly being woken up. What I am finding difficult is Robert's lazy latching. When he latches incorrectly over and over and over again, I get very frustrated because I know he needs to eat, and as his only source of food I feel that I am letting him down if I don't let him feed from my ever-increasing sore nipples. And after a while of him trying to feed and making them so sore, it becomes unbareable to feed him. So he gets agitated and starts screaming because he's hungry, and I lose my tether.
Luckily, his latch has been okay the last day or so. And I have managed to be calm with him, and even when he's been finding it hard to go to sleep, I've managed to not get annoyed with him, and perhaps jig him about too hard, but instead keep him in bed, stroke his face gently and talk to him soothingly until he falls asleep. Several times! Even at about 6am when I was putting him down to sleep after his 4am-5.30am feeding session, I was so patient, I stroked his face, I whispered soothingly to him, and every time he started to wake himself up too much to be soothed to sleep that way I picked him up and gently held him until he started to fall asleep again. Eventually he started rooting again, so I gave him one last feed and that sent him to sleep properly.
Yesterday I was the Mummy I want to always be for him. I didn't get stressed (well, okay I got stressed once, but I simply held him, rocked him, and just told him between tears about my worries and fears and what I wanted to do for him. Of course he didn't understand, that and he was asleep, but it made me feel much better and was a better way for me to release), I didn't shout, didn't jig him slightly too hard out of frustration/desperation and as such I feel much better in myself, and I can see that Robert is calmer too.
However something's wrong with him, I'm not sure what it is, and I took him to the doctor and he didn't seem to know what it was either. He's been throwing up a lot more than usual the past two or three days. It's hard to know how much food he's keeping down, since I don't know how much he's eating. Robert actually threw up at the doctors so I showed him the deposit on the bib (thank goodness I put a bib on him!), and he said "That's not actually very much." So I told him that it WAS a lot for Robert... as I'd usually only get a tiny bit of dribble, and that much sick IS a lot for Robert. He throws up after practically every feed, varying amounts, but quite significant amounts either way. The doctor has prescribed him some rehydrating fluid, and told me if it's still carrying on all weekend to give the surgery a call on Monday. Poor little man, I hope it's nothing from my milk that's making his tummy poorly :(
Anyway I'd better go and get some lunch - I didn't have any yesterday which was naughty. Robert has stayed asleep after his trip to the doctors so he's in his cot now.
I hope everyone's doing okay!
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