Yesterday was Jonathan's last day at home with me and Robert. Well, apart from weekends of course. Last night was tough he woke at 3am (although I went to bed at 10pm I was totally knackered at 3), Jonathan changed his nappy and I got up to feed, and J went back to bed as he had work in the morning. At about 4 Robert was sleepy, sleepy enough I thought to go to bed, but noooo... he was doing his trick of waking and wanting food, getting sleepy, being put down, waking, wanting food... etc etc etc.
Because J had work and wanted to sleep I felt like I was on my own to get him down to sleep, and I ended up getting so frustrated, at one point even raising my voice to poor little Robert who didn't understand and was just hungry/sleepy/cold/hot/something. I even at one point felt so frustrated I was afraid I would hurt him, which made me feel absolutely awful. J came and sat with me as I put Robert back onto the breast for the 10th time that night, and held my hand, as I cried and told him I thought he didn't trust me with Robert on my own. And I really did believe that J didn't trust me to not hurt our son - after all, at that point I felt like I almost HAD done, and didn't really trust MYSELF not to.
I am just so glad that Jonathan is here at night time, when I'm most sleepy and unable to think clearly and keep calm. Jonathan reassured me that if I was upset or getting frustrated, or needed anything, even a hand to hold, to get him up, regardless of whether he had work the next day or not. Which makes me feel less alone during the night.
Although he's back at work I have my mum here this week. Which I'm very grateful for. Then I have maybe a week or so on my own during the day before J has a week and a half off for Christmas.
As Robert was laying sleeping against my chest shortly before he went to bed last night (this morning!), I held him as close as I could, stroked his hair and promised him I would never hurt him. I told him maybe sometimes his Mummy would have to leave him crying in his cot for a short while so that she could keep that promise. I know he doesn't understand but I hope he understands how much his Mummy loves him.