Thursday, 11 September 2008

29 weeks 5 days - cat is still sick, fears about motherhood

Ho hum, Hazel is still sick. Total count now since yesterday is 3 piles in the living room, 2 piles on the duvet (one either side), 2 piles under the cotbed, and 2 piles at the foot of the bed on the carpet from where she's thrown up over the edge of the bed. I've booked an appointment for her at the vet this afternoon, since the Katalax hasn't seemed to have worked, and it wasn't an iffy can of food (fresh tin this morning despite her only having one bowlful out of the one yesterday - unless the whole BATCH of catfood is off!).

Poor mite, she was meowing round me all yesterday, obviously starving but then she'd just throw it all up again. She's spent quite a while in the spare room under the chairs in there, which is unlike her, so she does seem slightly more ill than last time she was throwing up, she'd act fine again, and it turned out it was just a huge hairball stuck in her throat which was making it difficult to eat anything. I know this isn't "baby" related, but it's still hard on me. I hope it means I'll be a good mum when Robert gets here, that I'll be patient and understanding, and not getting myself into a complete tizz whenever anything bad happens.

I do have a lot of fears about my ability as a parent. I know it's normal, and that every new mum feels that way, but I really do... I am an incredibly lazy person. I usually let the washing up build until there's no more clean stuff in the cupboards. I don't do loads of washing until it's absolutely necessary. I sometimes only have a bath or shower only once a week (washes inbetween with a flannel).

I fear for my ability to cope with a tiny screaming baby, with the lack of sleep, the constant nappy changes, clothes changes, constant washing loads being done and then no means to have them all dry in time (no tumble dryer!). I fear for my ability to breastfeed. I have watched lots of youtube videos detailing how to latch a baby onto the breast to feed. But what if I don't have enough milk? What if it never comes in? My mum never had enough milk for my brother.

I know I will love my little Robbie so much, I already do. I just hope that my love for him will spur me on to do the things I need to do in order to be the best mum possible for him.

And part of what scares me most is whether Jonathan thinks I will be a good mum or not. If I was ever to find out that he thought I wouldn't be a good mum, it would crush me.

There was a bit in our Hypnobirthing about releasing fears, not only about childbirth, but also anything to do with the baby, and parenthood. Because if you hold onto fears about this sort of thing, it can cause you to be frightened and tense during labour - sort of a natural delaying system "oh no, when I have this baby I will be a parent" (and not only that, but a lingering fear of death or complication can do the same thing) and so the body shuts down and makes labour more slow, and difficult (and therefore painful). There was an exercise she did with us to help us release our fears, through relaxation, I should probably try and practise that more and more. Become comfortable with my abilities. If I have the confidence within myself that I will be a good mother, and if I see myself being a good mother, I will be more likely to BE a good mother. And if I try and do the same with my fears over breastfeeding - it might work as well.

I try to invision myself having a comfortable birth, and in my mind's eye, I can see it working. I can do it. I was reading through the Hypnobirthing book we got given, and I got to the part about visualisation, and how during the surges (contractions), one woman visualised waves on a beach as she was breathing through them. And as soon as I read about that, something just clicked inside me, and I think that's the perfect visualisation for it.

I think I am getting quite good at self hypnotising. Yesterday I laid down and listened to the rainbow relaxation CD we got given, and part of me felt like I had fallen asleep, I don't know if I fell asleep or if I was just so deeply in relaxation I didn't hear huge chunks of the hypnotic suggestions. Apparently it can seem to you like you've fallen asleep, but can still be in hypnosis. This is a little confusing to me truth be told, but I think it's definitely going the right way - once I listened to it and hearing the words made me more alert, and I felt I had to listen to them all. So to fall asleep to them (if that's what happened) is a step in the right direction. I will practise more today, and maybe try the fear release exercise some more.

I will sign off now, just after I let you know that I think my little Robbie is in a playful mood at the moment, I felt what I think is his foot again against my belly button, and as I pressed a couple of fingers against it, I felt it move a little. :) I'm so glad I'm not too fat to be able to feel his movements like that. :)

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