I haven't really felt Sausage move very much (if at all) the last two days. Which is slightly worrying, but then I have been very windy (sorry for TMI!) both days, and anything I've felt has felt like just wind. Although I guess it could have been both wind and Sausage, I don't know. I'm hoping that the windiness will subside a bit so I can distinguish the movements more. Because now I won't be seeing anyone to check on Sausage's progress until 17th July, a whole month, which is the scan.
J keeps saying, and he said last night, that he thinks my belly has been growing, he thinks my belly is a lot bigger. The thing is, it's hard to tell for me, especially even feeling it, my tummy feels hard to the touch, but then so does the bit I know is just flubber (the stuff above my belly button). But I do look at it sometimes and think "yeah, it does look more rounded than before". Ah well, I knew this was going to happen - that it would be hard to "tell" for a long time because of my size pre-pregnancy. Anyway, I'll do another belly shot on Saturday, which will be 18 weeks.
Also on Saturday, J and I are going to head into Milton Keynes and do some shopping for the baby. We're going to look for cots (well cot beds I suppose, as they last the longest). The in-laws have kindly offered to buy us something for the baby, around £200 worth, which should pay for the cot and matress. So that's nice! My dad has also offered to give us the same amount of money for the baby, so we'll have to see what else there is left big things for the baby, otherwise we might just end up spending my dad's money on bedding, towels, nappies, breast pumps and stuff like that! It's so nice that the parents are being generous and helping out with the baby stuff. We knew we were expecting it from my parents, since they are very much into the "treating kids the same" and they both spent money for my brother last year. But with J's parents, we were not expecting anything, and just leaving it for them to offer if they wanted to.
J's parents have been extremely generous to the both of us anyhow, they gave us a huge loan, with extremely low interest for life to pay off the mortgage from the flat, and at the same time they offered the £200 baby gift, they said to just take off the interest, so basically we're just paying them back the loan interest free, which is amazingly generous. PLUS they said, since they were planning on offering a loan to J's sister, which would be about double the amount they gave us, they would offer us the same amount again interest free if we needed it. J said he might take them up on about 1/5 of the loan they are offering us again, just to make sure things are seen through okay until the flat sells, since we'll have a few things to pay for in advance, like the double glazing on the flat, and a new hall carpet, and redecorating, etc. Plus any baby things, which of course aren't desperate and the flat should have sold way before then hopefully! So all in all, our financial situation is very comfortable, thank goodness! And hopefully it'll mean that once the flat is sold, we'll have a huge chunk of money sitting gaining interest until we can pay off a large part of the new mortgage with it, and then hopefully some of it we can spend to convert the garage and possibly the loft before the baby is too old, or before a second one is on the way! Hehe, look at me, thinking about a second one before this one is even half way ;) I am so blessed to have such a wonderful sensible husband, who kept his pants on (well not literally, but you know) before we were in a good situation like this, even though I've been so incredibly broody for almost 5 years!
I do still worry about things. Even though I've been broody for so long I worry about whether I'm ready for motherhood, about whether I'll make a good mother. About whether I can CHANGE certain things about myself that I know are not good traits for a mother-to-be. Like my laziness, and my selfishness. But then part of me says in myself that I can and will be a good mother, because I have wanted it for so long, and it may be hard but things will get easier as I get used to them.
I have always loved being with children. I loved my time in the nursery (well, for the most part, if I only worked with the colleagues I got on well with - the ones I can count on one hand more or less!), and I LOVED spending time with the children. I especially loved working with children and seeing them grow and develop into more confident and happy individuals.
There's one little girl who I don't think I will EVER forget, she came to nursery lacking in confidence hugely, she would scream the place down when her mother left, and would hardly make any eye contact or talk at all once the screaming stage had subsided. I did have some help from colleagues with how to help her settle in, and their ideas worked extremely well, and it was amazing the transformation in this little girl over the year I worked with her. And I know you're not supposed to have favourites, but this little girl was so sweet, I couldn't help but have a huge amount of affection for her. I treated her the same as the other children, but whenever I looked at her, playing with some of her friends, and laughing, I couldn't help but remember how far she'd come, and the sense of achievement it gave me that I was such a huge part of this girl's development. She'll be about 7 or 8 years old now. She probably wouldn't remember me if she saw me again, which makes me a little sad, but I'm sure she's doing fine.
Whenever I think of that, I think how amazing it will be to have a child of my own, to teach them and guide them and love them, and hopefully bring them up to be a confident and self assured human being right from the start. Many parents don't realise that they are their child's first teacher. They just think that they can send them to school and that's where they will learn their numbers and their colours and how to respect others and the world they live in. They don't seem to realise that what they learn in the 5 or 6 hours they are at school is minimal compared to the other 18 hours they are at home. By many parents, I am talking about the majority of parents I came into contact with while I was working in the nursery. The school was in the poorest area of the town, over 50% of the children were Asian, and it seemed like only a few of the parents had spent any time with their children at home, playing with them, teaching them colours and numbers and things like that. Because of the level children were generally coming into the nursery at, we had to work REALLY hard to bring the majority of children up to a level where they could count to 10 by the age of 5 (!), or even recognise some letters. As for reading or recognising whole written words like "cat", I only remember one child being able to do that by the time they went into reception class in the 3 years I worked there. And that was a child who unsurprisingly had a mother who read a lot to her children at home. Also we had very few children who could actually write their name leaving us for reception. (Despite us doing activities to help them, like tracing their name, or copying their name from cards) Because the average child where I worked was so much below the national average, when we got a national average child, they seemed REALLY clever. But at the same time, they weren't stretched, because of the work we had to do to stretch the majority of children was already things they could do easily.
Jeez, I can talk for Britain haha. Anyway, my point is I guess that I hope I can do a good job for my child before s/he goes to school. So they don't lag behind or find things too difficult. Hope youre all well, and thanks for reading. (especially big thanks if you're reading this far down, as this was a monster entry today hehe) x
Edit at 1pm - Sitting here at the PC I suddenly felt Sausage move again! :D Quite a lot of movement in one go, s/he seems to have quietened down again, must have tired him/herself out :) So pleased to have felt it again either way. Can stop worrying for a little while! :)
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