I'm an emotional yoyo

One day I'm up, the next day I'm down. I'm feeling ok today, which is a blessing, as I appear to have two poorly boys.  Robert seems to be the worse affected, somewhat quiet although was happy to play a chasing game earlier, after which he promptly threw up.  I didn't realise he was feeling so bad, he came up to me moaning a bit, I picked him up, and he threw up all over my jumper. I put him down, and he put his hands over his mouth, but unfortunately it was the kind that you can't hold back if you want it to, and it ended up all over the floor, his clothes, AND his face and hair (due to his hands being over his mouth).  Lovely.  Then he went across the room and was sick again, in the time it took me to run and empty a bucket of recycling bits all over the floor and come back, in time to catch a bit of it.  He's not eaten anything all day, but had a few drinks and has also asked for some "gah-gee" and as he is feeling poorly we went upstairs (this was after the bath, and clean up session downstairs) and all lay down to nurse.  Christopher fell asleep and he's currently napping.  Christopher has been affected by diarrhoea, he had a tiny bit of sick yesterday but honestly so little I thought nothing of it really.

Anyway, two poorly boys, and this weekend Jonathan is helping move office.  Was going to have my mum over to help keep me company (as the way the week has gone - feeling up and down all the time) the thought of having no weekend effectively was just overwhelming.. effectively a 12 day week for me and the two boys.  But as Christopher has diarrhoea, and Robert being explosively sick earlier, I don't think it's fair to let her get in contact with it.

I am also still flitting back and forth on the whole baby thing.  I'm now again in an "excited for the possibility" mode, due, I suppose, to having an ok day.  But I do worry how I'll feel again when I'm feeling down again.  I've not made a doctor's appointment yet.  I really should do that, because maybe it is hormones?  Or maybe I'm becoming depressed?  Either way, the downs are too far down for my liking.  To the point where I feel like I am completely irrational, I have no patience, and I just feel like I'm tumbling into a deep pit of despair, and that my kids will get taken away from me, and that maybe that's not such a bad idea (!!) because I'm an incompetent mum, and a horrid excuse for a human being.  And what with having had depression twice in the past, once in my teens, and then following Robert's birth, I may just be one of those "prone to it" people where it keeps cropping up.

Today, I feel fine about my competancy as a mother, and don't think of myself as a horrid person.  Yet I have a feeling that a few days down the line I will be feeling that way again. Urgh. Anyway... phoning up for an appointment for the doc now.  Thanks for reading xx

In two minds

I am broody as hell... But I am worried that I am not ready emotionally for another child. Last night, on cycle day 12, I had spotting. If it was ovulation spotting, that will be an early ovulation for me, giving me a 26 day cycle roughly. Which is a SHORT cycle. My normal being around 30-31 days, but I've had a couple of 29 day cycles. I thought going on my average I wouldn't be in my fertile range til Monday at least, which makes the Sunday night suddenly rather worrying from an emotional stand point. The only other thought is that I am still pregnant somehow from last month, and that's even more worrying for me now. It's more likely to be ovulation spotting, and we've only gone and done it well within the fertile window if that's the case.

This isn't normal

I think I need to see a doctor.  This isn't normal, how I'm feeling, how I'm dealing with stressful situations.  These kids deserve better.  These can't just be normal hormone fluctuations.

Thank you

Thank you all for the sweet comments on the last post. It really means so much to me that you are all here, and that you took the time to reassure me. I'm feeling much better today, and of course can see that you are all correct of course - things will be better once Robert goes to nursery! I don't know whether it was a dip of hormones or something yesterday or what, but either way I am feeling much more positive today. I even got out of the house and took the boys to a playgroup! It's a Surestart one, but it was one I'd not been able to go to before (well, before we got the new car) as it's about 2 miles away by car. But I got the boys all dressed, Robert went to the toilet (fairly happily) and washed his hands (not as happily but he still did it), I got the bag packed with nappies, wipes, the changing mat, a spare pair of pants and trousers, my wallet, keys and phone, and off we went! I am feeling a bit more confident driving now, and I can't remember when the last near miss was. I can't believe I've been a qualified driver for almost 5 months already. And it's not even been a year since my first driving lesson!

The playgroup went well, it was a HUGE room, there was so much space, and lots of activities set up. Robert got stuck in straight away, but Christopher was a bit overwhelmed by the space. After a while of playing next to or on me (sitting on my lap holding some toys) he was happy to wander off and play. Then I realised I'd left my phone on the dashboard in the car (needed it to navigate my way to the group!) so nipped out to get it. Robert quickly made friends with a boy who was going to be starting in the same session of his nursery in September with him, and they spent the rest of the session playing together which was lovely. The mum was nice too, although when she asked me if I would have a third child, and I said possibly, she did ask if I wanted a girl. *inward sigh* She might not have been thinking I wanted a third child specifically to get a girl, I just laughed and said "Well, a girl would be nice but you don't get to choose do you?!"

I didn't realise the group actually ran til 11.30, I assumed it finished at 11 like the other ones, so I was bundling the boys into jackets when the person running the group asked me if the boys would like a snack! So off came the jackets, and the boys enjoyed a snack before coming back to play. They did painting too but I forgot to grab them before we came home :(

The boys did have a lovely time and it was so nice to come back home and it be lunchtime!! And therefore only half the day really at home in one block! Plus it was nice to get in the car, drive somewhere without having to worry about having the boys loose and having to faff with buggy/sling, etc. I really enjoyed the drive and didn't even bother with the P plates this time, and didn't regret the decision not to put them on either ;)

I hope to get back out with the boys again on Friday to another group, although that one is in walking distance.

Thank you so much again, for being here, and reading. xx

Feeling down

I feel like this has been going on ages, it's not really linked to me not staying pregnant last week. I'm just feeling so dejected, so completely uninspired to do anything or go anywhere.

The boys, during the week, spend most of their day in the house. If it's not raining, they get to go in the garden sometimes. We have a park at the top of the road, but we've not been up there in goodness knows how long. Pretty much the only time we get out is at the weekend when Jonathan makes us.

I actually wonder if I'm depressed. Whether this is linked to the whole friend-less situation I have going on. It feels so horrible, being this outcast. Even if no-one is setting me outcast, I do feel so alone, and the more alone I feel, the less I want to go out.

I feel like maybe I'm subconsciously cutting everyone out of my life, and I don't know why, or why I can't shift myself out of this hole.

I wonder if I subconsciously sabotage any potential friendship too, by being a horrid self-obsessed person. Who never asks questions, but always wants to talk about herself. Thoughtless, selfish, lazy, quick tempered. Unable to follow things through.

One positive thing I can say about myself is that I am loyal. But then that tends to get my heart broken. Urgh. I hate being me right now. It's probably a good thing I lost the baby, I'm barely fit to be a mother of two children let alone three.

And the verdict is...

I've just taken another pregnancy test, to give me a firm answer (or was at least hoping it wasn't too soon). The test has come back negative. I've not squinted at it obsessively... I shouldn't have to 4 days after my period was due, right?

My bleeding has all but finished, with only the lightest amount now, so a slightly shorter period, just.

Maybe Becca will be right in that I'll end up with a January baby too. Who knows?

I feel sad that I know baby has definitely gone. But given the bleeding, and the heavy possibility that baby had gone, I feel more at peace with it than I thought I would. I guess it is a bit easier having a very very early miscarriage than one several weeks down the line. I was only excited for one day. I might look into temping for next month - see if I can stick to it, that's the main thing I'm not sure I'd be able to do. How long do you have to have been in bed for before you temp? I have a digital thermometer, but it only goes to one decimal place, is that inadequate?

Thanks for reading x

Ok.. quite confused.

I am resigned to the fact that the baby is gone. Yet some people have mentioned how they continued to have period*s* during their pregnancy, so I googled it, and read that if your hormones aren't strong enough it can sometimes lead to decidual bleeding, where all the lining apart from where your baby is implanted can come away. I also read about an "odd fibrous clot" with regards to the decidual bleeding, and tried to find references to it in normal menstruation or early pregnancy loss, because yesterday I found what I would now describe as an odd fibrous clot, I wondered at first if it was a bit of tissue that came away. It was sat on the pad so it might have been anything. I also wondered if it might have been a bit of the tampon I wore a little previously.

I just did a test just now to see if the test would show negative. It's one of the cheapy ones, where I couldn't see anything before until it was completely dry. It's not completely dry and I think I can see a faint line still. *sigh*. I wish I knew one way or the other. As my test was yet again inconclusive, I will wait until my bleeding has stopped and test again. Please please let me get a firm answer either way. :(

CD2

Bleeding didn't let up all day, and just before bed, I had my typical "heavy" flow. So I'm counting this as cycle day 2.

Thanks for keeping tabs on me Alice, nice to know someone who's been through it is watching out :)

On the little shelf above the sink are sitting the two tesco pregnancy tests I did. The one from the other afternoon which came up with a definite line, and the one I did yesterday morning which showed up with a line but not as strong. As I was brushing my teeth after cleaning myself up I saw those tests and started crying, brush in mouth and everything. The one with the definite line is my only proof that this baby ever existed, even for the briefest time. He never had a heart beat, he was never more complex than a mass of cells, yet to me, he was my "could have been" baby. Some people would say "well, you might not have been pregnant at all". But I was, I know it. And that pregnancy test says so.

See last post first.

Since this morning's post, I have been thinking all morning about it. I am trying to hold on to some hope that maybe all is ok. The bleeding hasn't turned into a full period - YET. I would class it I suppose as light flow. I've had a few tiny clots as well. Which is normal for me in a period.

I feel sad, yet I do still have a bit of hope. Yesterday I was so happy, I felt pregnant, I could see the line, even though it was a fainter than faint one, it was still a line. And that line to me meant that there was a baby there, somewhere, at some point in its journey.

I guess.. I wait. Maybe til this weekend. See what happens with the bleeding. See if it carries on, see if it stops, see how long it carries on for. And maybe test again at the weekend. If it was a period... it should come up as negative, right?

Not looking good.

I tested yesterday afternoon with a Tesco test, which didn't come up straight away but after about half an hour to an hour I went back and there was a line. A definite, visible line. Surely a line (a red line) wouldn't appear unless I was pregnant? Even though it says to disregard any results after 10 minutes. Anyway that's why I didn't post. My spotting had trailed off to practically nothing by yesterday too. This morning however, the day before my period is due, it is back and heavier than its been, and dark red.

Last night I lay in bed touching my pubic bone, which, underneath I was sure was a new tiny baby, and I imagined him growing and growing and then finally meeting him. Falling in love with him as I did with Christopher. And now I can't help but feel like its about to be snatched away from me.

Jonathan said to me this morning when I told him "ah well, you didn't really want a December baby anyway did you?" Well, my head didn't, but my heart did, and if I lose this baby, my heart just might break.

Wishful thinking?

What do you think?

CD29

Ok, well I spotted all day yesterday too. It didn't pick up to anything heavier. And still getting the *slightest* brown tinge when I wipe. Spotting for a whole 48 hours before trailing off is SO unusual for me. I am practically certain I am pregnant, (so if it turns out I am not, I will be crushed) I am just waiting for a BFP. I know this isn't the best mindset to be in and setting myself up potentially for a lot of disappointment!

I bet a lot of you knew I wouldn't be able to wait til Wednesday anyway before testing and you were right. I tested this morning, and the line I see is so faint it's probably a BFN. It takes a lot of squinting and holding it up to the light to see anything at all so it's probably just a shadow. There's no way a camera would pick up the line!!

I've had even a few thoughts about the baby, if indeed there is one in there. The baby has always been male, the few times the thought of a girl has popped into my head I've just been "yeah right!" I don't see myself as having a girl. I don't think I will ever have a girl. But I'd like one! Anyway, still on the waiting game.

Edited to add, at 9.31am, that I've been back to look at the test, which is now completely dry, and I swear I do actually see a faint line. But still fainter than faint and not really definite at all. I keep going back and thinking I can't see it since the first time, but then at an angle it definitely looks like it's there. Arghhh the suspense!! Should I still test tomorrow or should I wait til Thursday??!! Got one strip test and a CBD left.

CD28

Soooo I've been spotting on and off for over 24 hours now. It keeps varying in colour, consistency and amount. I've had a bright red wipe, I've had streaks, I've had brown, and pink. I've had plain blood flow (albeit very very light), streaked CM, coloured dry CM, and all randomly, although definitely more brown last night than before then. I did a test yesterday and it was negative, but then I usually only get a positive when I'm due on. Which for me is Thursday or so.

It is usual for me to get a bit of spotting the day before my period, but this usually starts out as streaky, progresses to wipe-able, and the next day, AF is here. And given my spotting started on Saturday night, and I'm not due to start spotting til Wednesday, this is NOT normal for me! I am cautiously optimistic! I don't feel particularly pregnant other than that, and a few odd sensations. Last night my right boob started aching, whether it has a correlation to the fact I fed Christopher off the left about half an hour previously I don't know!

I'm not going to test again until.. hmm.. lets say WEDNESDAY. The day before AF is due, if I'm on a 30 day cycle. And I know you're all going to bug me to test before, but I only have TWO cheapy tests left, and a CBD to confirm the cheapy BFP. :P

CD27

Yesterday I had bright red wiping, just a bit, and not enough to reach my knickers. This morning I had no spotting, and did a test just in case, but it was negative. From my previous pregnancies, they don't tend to show up til around the time I'm due on so I'm still a bit early on testing. I have two cheap tests left and one CBD as well. Will test again on the 12th.

Second update today.

Just thought I should update, as I went to the toilet and rather excitedly wiped red! I'm on cycle day 26, which is EARLY for my new cycle to be starting. I had a 29 day cycle, a 31 day cycle, a couple of 30 day cycles and a 34 day cycle. I reckon I am 9dpo which would make ideal implantation timing??

Had a spot of heartburn tonight. Been having twinges for a couple of days. Now with that spotting I'm feeling quite hopeful! I've put a panty liner on just in case though!

Tonsillitis

Unfortunately Robert came down quite I'll on Wednesday. He had a bad cough and was very tired most of the day. He had two naps, one from 10am til 12pm, and then another from 2pm til 4pm. He doesn't usually have any naps unless he's had a busy day and then he might fall asleep in the car.

That night was horrible. He woke up so much whimpering and screaming for us, I went into him 4 or 5 times, for him to simply fall back to sleep with a word or two, I tried to get him to take some calpol but he kept just falling back to sleep. Jonathan got up to him about 7 times.

I had a doctor appointment on Thursday morning for Christopher anyway for the red patches around his mouth he's had for ages, so mentioned Robert to her and she agreed to look "quickly". She took his temp (fine), took a look in his ears (fine), then looked in his mouth and when she'd finished, said "well he has tonsillitis!" very matter of factly, and prescribed him some anti biotics which she said would speed up recovery by about a day.

What it has meant is that we've had to cancel our Easter weekend plans. We were going to go and see Alice on Friday, then on to Kent to see my parents. Due to my brother and his kids being there too, meant I couldn't have gone down to Kent today instead because tonsillitis is contagious. Otherwise we could have maybe gone down if Robert had been up for it, and maybe seen Alice on Monday instead if everyone was well enough.

This weekend thus far is feeling decidedly dull, but it's not to be helped.

Maybe I'll get some good news next week to make up for the disappointment.

Setting myself up for disappointment

I can't help but feel like I am symptom watching like mad (already, not even a week since I may or may not have ovulated!) and thinking I feel different this month. I just know I'm setting myself up for disappointment, that the likelihood that I'm pregnant is very slim even IF I ovulated when I think I did. Slimmer to none if I ovulated later than I thought (babymaking was about 3 days before "ovulation" day) I've already had 5 full cycles since Christopher was born, ranging from 29 days to 34 days in length. And while we didn't start trying until early January we had plenty of "whoops" before then. I feel like I'm building it up to make me think I am, when in fact I'm probably not, and going to get a huge disappointment next week or the week after. Not a lot I can do about it either way really!