I feel like this has been going on ages, it's not really linked to me not staying pregnant last week. I'm just feeling so dejected, so completely uninspired to do anything or go anywhere.
The boys, during the week, spend most of their day in the house. If it's not raining, they get to go in the garden sometimes. We have a park at the top of the road, but we've not been up there in goodness knows how long. Pretty much the only time we get out is at the weekend when Jonathan makes us.
I actually wonder if I'm depressed. Whether this is linked to the whole friend-less situation I have going on. It feels so horrible, being this outcast. Even if no-one is setting me outcast, I do feel so alone, and the more alone I feel, the less I want to go out.
I feel like maybe I'm subconsciously cutting everyone out of my life, and I don't know why, or why I can't shift myself out of this hole.
I wonder if I subconsciously sabotage any potential friendship too, by being a horrid self-obsessed person. Who never asks questions, but always wants to talk about herself. Thoughtless, selfish, lazy, quick tempered. Unable to follow things through.
One positive thing I can say about myself is that I am loyal. But then that tends to get my heart broken. Urgh. I hate being me right now. It's probably a good thing I lost the baby, I'm barely fit to be a mother of two children let alone three.
you are not alone, i know its not the same but your bloggy readers care! i hope you feel better soon and don't be so hard on yourself. x
ReplyDeleteYou will find that when Robert starts nursery/pre school things will begin to change for the better. You are at a difficult stage of development when you have 2 kids under 4 as they are constantly discovering new boundaries and they become more clear on what they want. Yet you are still incredibly tied to the home a lot. I vividly remember those days especially when I moved to a new village away from all friends I did have. Nursery will be as good an opportunity for you to get out there and meet new people as it will be for Robert. Things will improve xxx
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are feeling like this. But as Bells said, your blog readers will always be here for you. I know a little how you feel. I was quite young when Emily was born. I had moved away from all my university friends and hadn’t made any new ones. All the other woman in my ante natal class were older than me and we didn’t have anything in common, so after Emily was born pretty much the only people I saw were James and his family. It was really lonely. I was too shy to go to any playgroups as well. But once I was back at work and Emily was in day care, I started meeting other mothers. I am now quite good friends with the mother of a wee girl Emily met when she was 9 months old at daycare! And with Sophie going to kindy, I have met more people. Becca is right, once Robert starts preschool, you will meet more people. It is really hard being a stay at home mum without friends you can rely on and when I think back to when I was at home with Emily I can definitely empathise with you. That is actually when I started reading blogs and began my own and the connections and friendships made over the internet really helped. I really hope that things get better for you.
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))) Just quickly popping on to send you hugs and say that you're being too hard on yourself!!! ;) Hang in there - I think everyone's right about things improving when Robert starts nursery - you'll meet lots of new people and your horizons will widen, things will feel better. Having just little ones under school age isn't an easy time!
ReplyDeleteI forgot what it was like exactly, to have a couple of little ones the ages of your boys, so I went back to my old diary to read some entries, and was quite surprised at how far I've come since then! I had a LOT of the same struggles you're going through, and felt horribly guilty if I didn't take them out all the time and provide them with new or stimulating experiences. The whole world seems to do that with their toddlers/preschoolers and I felt inadequate and guilty. These days we stay at home. Seriously, we stay at home. And we have no garden. Neil takes them out at the weekend. We don't go to the swings, we don't go to playgroup. The house is full of siblings, and they are never bored or lonely. Ideally I would like them to have way more time in the air exercising, and when we have a garden that's what we'll use for that.
I have a few more years of experience (and a LOT of other mums-of-many to reassure me since they've come to the same conclusions for the most part), and now have no guilt over living a relatively "sheltered" at-home life with my children. They are thriving, and obviously don't NEED to be out doing a bunch of other stuff.
I was actually thinking this week how well you were doing, because you've been doing activities at home with the boys - painting and whatnot. I had a pang when I read that at FB because I thought how long it had been since I got the paints out with mine! :S
Don't worry about society's norms, and whether you're conforming with your kiddies - that will only bring you more stress and self-doubt, and you're doing fine. You will be an excellent mother of three, just as you are with two! There are ALWAYS low points in mothering, and it's normal to feel useless when they come, but it's not the whole picture, OR the whole truth! Things will improve, don't worry!
xxx
Aw honey, I'm not sure I have anything helpful or useful to say but had to comment so you know there is another person here who is there for you!
ReplyDeleteTwo pre-schoolers is TOUGH! Most mothers I know would agree it's the toughest stage of all. Everyone finds it hard no matter how it may appear from the outside.
Two things I really want you to bear in mind are....
a) Your hormones are all over the place right now. I don't just mean because of the recent miscarriage, even before that your body is getting back on track with it's cycles and all that can affect how you're feeling.
b) Don't let anyone else's behaviour reflect on how you feel! Remember that everyone has the same internal struggles going on. If someone hasn't got in touch it may be nothing to do with you, it may just be they're having a stressful time right now and can't face seeing anyone. It's easy to take everything very personally when actually it may be nothing to do with you at all.
Spending the week at home isn't a bad thing at all..... I would say it's important to get some fresh air and daylight each day as there is a strong link between lack of vitamin D and depression, but you can get that in your own garden.
When my two were little we didn't really have any local friends. We attended a playgroup once a week and made a few friends we'd see through that, but no one really regularly. I used to take the children to our local park sometimes but there was never anyone else there despite it being surrounded by houses.
Just concentrate on finding ways to enjoy this time with your boys, if you don't feel like going out you don't have to, and you don't have to feel guilty about it either. Big hugs xxxx