CD2

Bleeding didn't let up all day, and just before bed, I had my typical "heavy" flow. So I'm counting this as cycle day 2.

Thanks for keeping tabs on me Alice, nice to know someone who's been through it is watching out :)

On the little shelf above the sink are sitting the two tesco pregnancy tests I did. The one from the other afternoon which came up with a definite line, and the one I did yesterday morning which showed up with a line but not as strong. As I was brushing my teeth after cleaning myself up I saw those tests and started crying, brush in mouth and everything. The one with the definite line is my only proof that this baby ever existed, even for the briefest time. He never had a heart beat, he was never more complex than a mass of cells, yet to me, he was my "could have been" baby. Some people would say "well, you might not have been pregnant at all". But I was, I know it. And that pregnancy test says so.

Second update today.

Just thought I should update, as I went to the toilet and rather excitedly wiped red! I'm on cycle day 26, which is EARLY for my new cycle to be starting. I had a 29 day cycle, a 31 day cycle, a couple of 30 day cycles and a 34 day cycle. I reckon I am 9dpo which would make ideal implantation timing??

Had a spot of heartburn tonight. Been having twinges for a couple of days. Now with that spotting I'm feeling quite hopeful! I've put a panty liner on just in case though!

The possibility

Yesterday I had signs that I am fertile and possibly ovulated or ovulating shortly. And let's just say there is the possibility of a baby. Not a STRONG chance but a chance nonetheless. I find myself thinking with my head that I don't want to be, but with my heart I do. I really really do. If I am, the baby will be due around the 20th December. So the chance of a Christmas baby is high. If I am. Which I sort of hope I'm not. But hope I am more, and I will find out in around two weeks.

I know that next week I will DEFINITELY be hoping I am, as on the way to Kent, we will be stopping by Alice and seeing her lovely boys (and bump!) I'm so excited because it feels like I've known her for ages, since before Arthur was even a twinkle in her eye. ;)

Verdict is in.

And again it's a no for me. I got an urge to test this morning at CD31, went and tested, then wiped, then looked at my knickers. Should have done it in the opposite order, and saved myself a test. Sigh.. Now on CD1.

Am now thinking we shouldn't really "try" for a few months. Another birthday so late in the year would be added stress on us. Getting pregnant in May or June could possibly be bad news for our holiday at the end of June early July. (if I get bad morning sickness) I guess we just stop trying but see what happens until July-ish.

Dream

I had a dream last night that I found out I was pregnant. I had a huge belly (for just having found out!) and even a few movements. How I didn't know before I don't know! I don't know if this is anything to do with whats going on with us now, or the fact that we watched the episode of Game of Thrones where Daenerys finds out she's pregnant last night.

Hopefully aunt flo will make her appearance at some point during this week so that I know my cycles are settling down into a regular pattern. Today is CD30. Last month she arrived at CD34 so spotting any time before the weekend would be good. I don't feel in the least bit pregnant, so just waiting for aunt flo really.

Not really been thinking about it!

I've surprised myself in that I've not been thinking (read: obsessing) about what will happen this cycle that much. Obviously it's just crossed my mind again, but I should be getting my period by this time next week hopefully. I'm not expecting to be pregnant. I just don't think I'm ovulating, or at least not obviously, and I have no idea when. Something's just telling me that I think my body just isn't ready for pregnancy yet. And sometimes I think that's just as well. For now, I think I have faith in that it'll happen when it happens. And part of me is thinking the later the better, to give a bit of a bigger age gap so that Christopher can be closer to school age than Robert was. I have so missed not having the one-on-one time with Christopher as a baby, that Robert had.

Sometimes...

I change my mind on when I want Christopher's younger sibling to be conceived. We were stopped at a service station on the way back from my brother's house, Robert had gone off to use the toilet with Jonathan, and Christopher was sat on my lap eating an apple. He was snuggled against my chest and I suddenly had this overwhelming wish that he remain my "baby" for longer. He is my sweet little Squidge, and I just adore our snuggles. And while I am so broody generally, I do get my moments of loving that I am not pregnant yet.

Talking of which, I am officially in the two week wait, or at least I should be by now. If I am not pregnant, I shall simply enjoy my Squidge being my littlest baby a while longer. :)

CD15

This is more for my own record more than anything, seeing as I didn't really get on with fertility friend. Last night had very bad one sided (left) cramps. No sign of spotting though, and no huge abundance of EWCM. Have had quite a bit in previous days though. Very unsure what is going on with my cycles, if or when I am ovulating. It's a long old wait.

A new cycle

Before I start, I just want to say thank you to those of you who have commented on the potty training and breastfeeding Robert posts. It's meant a lot to me that you took the time to support me and give me your opinions and thoughts on the matters. I really appreciate it!

Robert's potty training is starting again gently. I think the idea of a reward for being trained is a little overwhelming for him, so we are stepping back from charts, and reward presents, and just taking each wee, each day as it comes, and seeing what happens. We are having some success, still accidents most days but he is getting on very well and we are simply getting on with it, putting new pants on, and for successes, he's getting lots of verbal praise and lots of acknowledgement, and he seems happy with that.

With regards to the breastfeeding him, I have decided for now to limit it to mornings only, and while he asks still fairly often throughout the day, sometimes I will remind him that it's only for mornings, and other times I offer him cuddles, or a drink or a snack instead. I think when he is comfortable with that, or at least asking less often, I will broach with him the idea of weaning, and see if he will be willing to make that step with me.

Onto other things, mainly my cycles and our TTC, the fat lady did well and truly sing, and I even checked afterwards that it wasn't a false one, and it was negative even after the period had finished. So I am not pregnant. Around CD 8 I started feeling twinges and pinching sensations, and seemed to get lots of CM. Which seems way too early for me. And would be something like a 22 day cycle if that is the case, which it probably isn't.

On the other hand, if I do ovulate around the normal time, and have a somewhat normal cycle of 30-32 ish days, and get pregnant, my due date will be scarily close to Robert's birthday... To be honest I'm probably just reading too much into everything! For now, I think a step back is prudent. Besides which, I know "timing babies" isn't to everyone's tastes, for some it's a luxury they can't afford, but it's getting to that time when we are busiest for birthdays and other celebrations. It would be a bit better to leave conceiving until April earliest really, but then that would put me in the first trimester when we are going away on holiday. And that just is NOT good timing, as even though the boys' pregnancies were both very kind on me in the earlier stages and sickness wise, there's no guarantee that the same will happen the third time. I think stepping back is definitely best if I don't conceive this month. And if it happens during that time... I guess it would be one of those things that was meant to happen!

Phew

Well, I can say that I will have a definite answer one way or other within the next couple of days. I have had spotting today, which I usually get the day before my period starts, so if it doesn't start tomorrow at all I will test again on Monday morning. But I don't think I'll need to. I've broken out in spots, and am quite grumpy today. If I do start tomorrow that'll be a 34 day cycle.