Mental shift

This week I've had a mental shift with regards to how productive I feel - particularly around the house. I still need to kick my arse into gear and do more, but I felt like my house is a tip (well it kinda is) and that everyone else surely had MUCH better houses than mine. Even with small kids. They could at least put things away in their proper place, and run a hoover around every few days, and maybe even dust a bit. I saw a photo a couple of days ago, of a room in someone's house. And let's put it this way - it was a lot worse than anything in my house! (except maybe the garage - possibly) Of course, it could be their one room that's messy and everything else is immaculate - a'la Monica in Friends' cupboard. But it's made me feel a lot better about our house. Of course I would like to get it tidy, clear away the clutter and rubbish that's scattered about our house. And that is in progress - my mum's partner has kindly offered to us that he'll get our under-stairs area turned into cupboards for material-cost only. We've had a quote on converting our garage into additional rooms as well, AND J's parents have offered to loan us the money - interest free (have I mentioned before how lovely they are??!!) - to have that done. Of course we'll now need a garden shed as once the garage starts to be converted we'll need homes for all the garden tools and what-not. I've made a start on our holiday packing list. And I hope to start actually packing tonight as well. We go away on Monday, which isn't really the best day to go away in my opinion - we'll be coming back the following Monday, then Jonathan will be off to work the next day and I'll be left on my own with 2 post-holiday hyper kids, several suitcases of dirty washing, plus whatever else we've left the house in. But anyway, over all my mood is a lot better. My negative thoughts are significantly fewer and far between, although I still get down about the state of the house sometimes. But it's getting easier. Thank you for the comments on the last post. I do know it's the right thing to do deep down.

Well..

My period arrived yesterday. Which makes it a 35 day cycle. I guess the longer the better now, since we are officially NOT trying for a baby anymore. For now. I started spotting on Saturday so I knew then that was that.

I'm feeling quite sad. But accepting I guess. Just sad for my "could have been" baby, sad for me a little bit. But I know deep down that it's probably for the best.

I had another session of CBT this morning, and J had an appointment at the doctor too because the last few days, he's been really down and upset, depressed even. He's had a load of bumpf to look at about depression and a health questionnaire to fill in. He's getting blood tests done, and has another appointment on Friday.

We are going away on holiday next Monday. I hope we are both feeling better by then, that he is feeling better and that we both enjoy it.

Things I need to factor in are socialising for myself with other mums. And couple time with J.

We went to J's parents house yesterday. It was father's day but J hadn't got anything for his dad. He told him so on the phone and S was fine with that. He got an "I Love You" and a hug from J though which apparently he hasn't had in years, so that probably was one of the best presents he could have got anyway. It was so hard seeing J upset around his parents. So odd seeing my husband towering over his parents, and being comforted by them. We had a good talk in the garden after tea, about various topics. We haven't had a lot of talks like that lately. We are both so worried about each other, and trying hard to be each other's rock.

I know for me the focus is the boys - to the extent I sometimes forget about myself. That's something the counsellor at CBT helped me see today. And those moments I do go upstairs for 15 minutes while the boys watch TV downstairs, I feel *SO* guilty about. Like it's my dirty little secret that I leave them downstairs while I come upstairs and muck about on the computer, and abandon them. I do feel that. Even now while I am blogging and they are quietly watching TV I feel bad that I'm neglecting them.

There's so much to work on, I want to give them my best, and after today's session I think I realise that I have to put some effort into ME and my relationship with their dad as well as them.

CD34...

Hmmm... Still NO SIGN whatsoever of my period. I've not had any spotting at all this month, absolutely nada. In the 6 full cycles I've had since Christopher's birth, two have been 29 day cycles, two have been 30 days, one has been 32 days and one has been 34 days. I just don't know what's going to happen. If I'll end up with a longer cycle than before even or if I'll get my period tomorrow some time. Yesterday morning I had a twinge which made me feel like maybe my period was coming. But nothing yet.

I have one pregnancy test left, it's a CBD. I'm wondering whether to take it tomorrow morning or wait til Monday. I *know* it'll be best to wait til Monday, but I'm really not sure I can. It's a miracle really I've even waited this long. I just know if I'd had any cheapy tests they'd be gone by now, one a day since Monday :P Monday, I'll be on CD37 if my period hasn't shown up.

And whenever I do test... I'll be nervous if the result is positive, mainly because of Jonathan's reaction. I really don't know how he'll be if it's positive. He's having a hard time of late, and I'm a little scared if the result is positive, if the news of another baby on the way will tip him over the edge. I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted ever... especially as we have been TTC since January. I guess the thought going round my head is... if I am pregnant - do I tell Jonathan straight away??!! Or leave it a little while so I can try and guage how he will react?

CD32

I'm expecting my period by the weekend. I know a baby will happen when it's the "right time" but I am not expecting to be pregnant this month even though we have done what is required. I don't feel pregnant at all. But it's shaping up to be a long cycle. Since Christopher, my cycles have been between 29 and 34 days long. So given that I only have one pregnancy test left, I will not be testing until Monday, which will hopefully be long enough for my period to show up, and give a few days grace.

I've had a couple of sessions of CBT. I've got a few issues, this week I'm focussing on my routine and getting my days more productive. I also need to work on my feelings of isolation, and how I perceive myself. I also think J would be happy to wait for a while before we have another one (assuming I am not pregnant already) as he's getting a bit bogged down by stuff. So if there is no baby on the way now, we'll be officially not trying for a baby.

If I didn't know better...

If I didn't know better (and I do), I'd think I was pregnant. I've had so many "typical" pregnancy symptoms lately. Waves of occasional nausea, tender breasts and nipples, bloatedness, tiredness, super sense of smell spring to mind.

I'm not pregnant, I had my period, arriving on time, more or less, and lasting the right length of time, and I tested after it finished and it was negative. So no idea what that's all about.

I've started my first batch of decorating. Starting with the smallest room of the house, the downstairs cloakroom/toilet. My mum made me a floral arrangement a while ago to go in there, and I decided it was high time the house got its first lick of paint since we moved in over 4 years ago. So we got some pink paint to go with the flowers, and I painted one wall of the room (the one you see immediately you open the door). I then, today, painted a bit extra. I would ideally like to get some magnolia and freshen up the magnolia that's there already. And some white to freshen the skirting and ceiling. Then buy a ceiling light fitting to match in, and maybe get some new carpet or laminate, and that's that room DONE. Yes the smallest in the house, but it will be one room down, and it's amazing how GREAT it made me feel!! I would love to now start gradually transforming our magnolia canvas of a house into something that feels like we've DONE something with it! I really enjoyed painting, it felt so theraputic covering up the old magnolia with fresh pretty pink! I wish it were easier to find the time to decorate. I did a tiny bit of painting while the boys were eating lunch. It needs to be a weekend job I guess! I can't wait to get a whole rainbow of colours into the house somehow!

My first CBT session and other things

So. Yesterday morning started off pretty badly. It was hot the day before and the French doors were open all day. The boys were up for the day pretty early, and it was Robert who discovered the water wasn't working again. I thought he was trying to get out of washing his hands, as he dislikes doing that and tries to put it off as long as possible, but we soon discovered he was telling the truth, so I had to apologise to him for not believing him. Oops!

Then Jonathan headed downstairs after the boys dry-brushed their teeth, to discover a load of ants gathered under one of the boys food plates that weren't cleared away from the night before. Apparently under the plate was a MASS of black. Bleughhhhh. I didn't feel up to seeing that so I stayed upstairs while the boys had their breakfast and Jonathan cleared up. I was pretty annoyed that the water was out, as I'd not had a shower in waaaay too long and really needed to do it that day. I asked my mum if she could bring some water with her, as she was coming up to have the boys while I went for my appointment, and I didn't think the water would be back on til I went for my appointment! Then as luck would have it, just before we were ready to go out to Tesco, the water had been turned on! (I heard the water tank in the bathroom filling back up again) My mum brought a 5 gallon container with her anyway, filled with water, and said keep it in the garage in case there's another water-outage!

The Tesco trip was quite stressful, as Christopher was crying on and off the whole way round, and Robert was yanking on the trolley, or running off (never too far, he's pretty good in that respect, and always comes back when we ask), or stopping to look at, and pick up EVERYTHING he saw that looked remotely interesting! I had to threaten to put back the rice cakes several times! I was feeling quite frazzled by the end of the shopping trip and was pleased to head out of the shop! It must be a sign though that although I felt quite stressed at the end of the shopping trip, it didn't affect my driving at all. I've not had a close call for ages now - I can't remember the last one actually! And being the end of May, it's been about a YEAR now I've been driving... 6 months of those with a licence!

Anyway.. I managed to get a shower before the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Mum arrived about an hour and a half to spare, so I could get the boys their lunch, and have my shower, and other stuff before setting off. I tried to sneak off without Christopher seeing, but he did and started crying when I went to the door, but mum managed to settle him very quickly (with the help of the tv lol).

I didn't know what to think about the session. She started off by explaining about the sessions, and then asking me questions about my moods and what physical affects I had with it, how long I'd been feeling low, and at one point she asked if I felt quite isolated (this might have been after she asked if I had kids and what ages they were - but I can't remember! Crazy! But I guess I did get a lot of information so it's hard to remember exactly what she said and when), and at this point I started crying, and said that yes I did, and that I'd had a friend, and explained the situation with S. As I was telling her about S, I suddenly stopped in my tracks, and realised that I noticed the low moods getting worse around March time, and that co-incided with the time I realised that S was breaking off from our friendship. And that it had been building up because since December she had been giving excuses not to see me, and it was only March that I realised that she didn't want to.

The lady I was talking to, called Nicola, was very sympathetic, and she also helped me see that my low moods were causing a lack of motivation, and low energy, and that my feelings about various things - the state of the house, my parenting skills, and so on, were all feeding back into a vicious cycle, so she has got me some sheets to fill in - firstly a sheet about what I do in the day, so we can see if I am actually doing much - if I am, then I need to work on my cognitive approach to break the cycle, and if I'm not, then we need to work on what I am doing and increasing my productivity to help break the cycle. Also a sheet to fill in when I start feeling low, what my feelings are, the situation I'm in at the time, and my thoughts at the time. Also to think about what problems I have and how much they affect me, and what goals I can work towards to help solve the problems. I'm seeing her again in two weeks.

So that was basically my first session of CBT. I've started on my diary of what I'm doing each day. And so far it's a productive one. I'm hoping that will carry on. I have such a huge list of things I want to do, storage to sort out for getting the house tidy and to a state I'm not ashamed to have people see it. Hopefully soon we will be getting the storage under the stairs sorted, and I'm getting itches to paint the downstairs cloakroom/toilet!

CBT tomorrow

Well tomorrow afternoon I have my first session of Cognitive and Behavioural Therapy.  I have NO idea what to think about it.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like I'll be wasting their time.  Sometimes I think it'll help.  I have no idea what to expect, and I'm quite nervous about it.  I'll update about it tomorrow or Friday.

My two boys, despite me, seem to be getting on really well.  Robert will love going to nursery when it comes round to September.  He enjoys playing here but I think he will get on well with nursery, and enjoy making new friends.  He is always so outgoing.  He loves making new friends where ever we go.  At parks, soft play and so on, he often very quickly befriends other children.  He LOVES older children, and the older children seem to love him too.  At least at first!  I think he gets on better with the older girls - as they seem to be more tolerant of having a three year old trail them for the rest of the time they're there!! Of his same age, he tends to befriend more boys than girls, as the girls he meets of his own age tend to be shyer and don't like his boistrousness!

I'm so pleased the weather is cheering up a bit, I can open the French doors and let the boys go in and out as they please.  Robert is learning how to swing himself on the swing, and still enjoys the sandpit as much as ever.  Christopher now LOVES the big slide (I am thinking of getting rid of our small Little Tykes slide altogether) and climbs up it really well in addition to sitting down properly and going down by himself.  Yesterday he seemed to want to go on the swing.  We have a garden swing which now Robert is older and can get on and off himself is getting much more use.  I sat Christopher on it, told him to hold on to the strings tightly, and then gave him the gentlest push while hovering right infront ready to catch!  At first he would move his bottom and legs around a bit which would tilt the swing, but he's realised now that he'll fall so he sits quite still!  Awwww my little boy is growing up!

Every so often, in the attempt to give my boys something more stimulating to do than playing aimlessly with toys or watching TV for hours on end (which happens - most days! :(  ) I make something sensory for them to play with, or get out the paints, or the playdough.  I make my own playdough.  I find it much cheaper, much better quality (doesn't dry out as quick), and you know EXACTLY what went in - and that it's 100% non toxic as it's made from 100% food items!  The last time I made playdough, I made this recipe and it is great!  It stays soft for ages, and it has hardly any smell to it (which the other stuff I've made stinks - not all that bad, but it means that you can't add smells to it as it's natural smell just overrides it!).  Just be sure to add the food colouring to the water as it takes ages to mix in otherwise! Some people have also recommended adding the salt to the water so it dissolves too, and means you won't get a grainy playdough (which sometimes happens after a week or so in the airtight pot I put it in).

Anyway, a month or so ago I got the paints out, with some cardboard tubes for them to print with.  Christopher absolutely adores these activities when I do them with him. He seems to love painting, so I will have to make more of an effort to do some when the weather is nice and we can go outside, and reduce the risk of painty sofas and carpet!!













They stayed surprisingly long at the activity - something I usually dislike about doing things like this is that you spend 10 minutes setting it up, for them to enjoy it for a whole 2 minutes, before they get bored and start running around with painty hands.

Playdough on the otherhand is SO stress free it is unreal.  Robert will EASILY spend half an hour playing with playdough, and yeah bits get on the floor, but a good scrape and they usually come up.  Anything for half an hour of quiet!!!

This is a batch of playdough I made sometime in March, and the photo was taken late April I think, so it lasts well.  He made a hedgehog :)



He was so proud of it!



Anyway I'll leave this here for now.  It's been ages since I did a post like this.  I just lack motivation lately, but I really need to try and make these sorts of posts so I have some memories to hold onto before I forget them all!