I have had a pretty bad day today.
This morning I found out that a friend of mine is annoyed at me for something I did on Monday. Basic story - her son came over and started hitting Robert for no reason. This boy has a tendancy to hit and has been doing it a lot lately, whereupon the mum will tell him off (not as I would do it, but at least she is trying). As I was nearby (closer to the boys than this friend of mine), I said to the boy "No, please don't hit Robert, he doesn't like it." calmly and firmly, before picking him up, lifting him over me and putting him on the floor the other side of me, away from Robert. I picked him up instead of Robert because he was closer and my aim was to stop Robert from getting hit as soon as possible. Her son then went on to try and hit a few other children, and she took him out of the room and left. This morning one of the staff said to me that she'd heard there was an "issue", which left me rather confused as I'd put the incident out of my mind and thought no more of it.
Just before group ended I went over to her and my other friend, she then made her excuses and left to go home. I touched her shoulder and asked if she was ok, to which I got a brief and cold "yes" before she walked away. Then when I got home, found out she'd blocked me from viewing her wall (yet not deleted me from her friends) on facebook. Judging by lack of statuses from her in my feed I'm guessing she did that on Monday as the last thing I heard from her was on Monday morning. I'm upset and to be honest quite annoyed that she has not approached me to talk about it as it has clearly been bothering her for 4 days, I would have afforded my friends the courtesy of talking to them instead of ignoring them and bearing a grudge over something she doesn't even know why I did it. I messaged her at 2pm with a very polite message and 7 hours later no reply... So that's point one that makes me feel shit today.
Then this afternoon I got a phonecall from the GP saying that the urine sample they sent off from my consultant appointment had shown I have an infection and that there was a prescription of antibiotics waiting for me there. So along with the 3 times daily 1 hour after mealtime finger prick tests, the insulin injections before breakfast, I now have to remember to take antibiotics 4 times a day for 5 days.
I feel right now that whatever can go wrong with this pregnancy will go wrong, I'll end up taking tablets, injections gallore, plus the million and one appointments to last til I pop this baby out. I'm thoroughly expecting to be told that my 28 week blood tests I had done on Wednesday will come back that I'm low on iron and need tablets for that too. I'm just sitting here and feeling like I'm going to burst into tears. I know I know I know that some women have it worse than me. That to hear me moan would make them want to slap me and tell me to suck it up, or worse.
On one hand I just feel like I want to climb into bed, and wake up in October and have the baby and be done with the whole being pregnant thing. But on the other hand, I'm now getting the horrid feeling that I don't want this baby to come, that when the baby arrives I won't be able to cope and I get that horrid feeling in my stomach that I had with Robert in the early weeks when I think about the new baby being here.
Please be aware that I am realising how this sounds, that it sounds like I could have ante-natal depression. Right now I don't know if it's because I've had a particularly bad day, or because I am starting to become depressed. I will be waiting it out for another week or so, see how I feel then, if I still feel down the majority of the time I will tell my midwife on my next visit, which is on the 9th August, or if it's particularly bad in the meantime, make an appointment to see a doctor.
Friday 30 July 2010
Wednesday 28 July 2010
29 weeks 6 days
Well I'm now on insulin for my diabetes, hurrah. Although I am tempted to see what happens at breakfast tomorrow and then maybe start Friday morning on it. I've also had to have my 28 week bloods done again this morning, because they couldn't find the results from when they supposedly did them at the same time as my GTT.
I can't believe how different Squidge's pregnancy is than his/her brother's. Not only because of the diabetes but also how my heartburn is less than with Robert's (so far), I've had a few niggles with it, and had to take gaviscon a couple of times, but by August 2008 it was bad enough that I had to get a prescription and from then on was taking it regularly, bearing in mind it's almost August now and I'm 7 weeks furthur on than I was with Robert at that time of the year. Maybe it will get worse, who knows?
But also, Squidge is constantly on the move, constantly squirming, waving arms/legs/head around. Beverley said Squidge was breech when I saw her on Monday. Although she seemed a little uncertain. Sometimes I think she's right and others I don't, I think Squidge must be having fun doing somersaults all the time in there! When she checked the position prior to checking the heartbeat, she must have woke Squidge up, who then went crazy! She had just asked me about Squidge's movements, and I said they were fine, then "ah, there we go!" and sure enough Squidge was wriggling, squirming, kicking around so much while Beverley was trying to get the heartbeat I was actually wondering if she'd manage to check it ok!! Robert was never like that, he was pretty chilled out during antenatal checks, occasionally gave a boot to the doppler, but then that was it!
The last two times she's actually felt Squidge move herself, so much so she put in my notes "FM - Good" (fetal movement) whereas before, and with Robert it was simply "FM" or "FMF" (fetal movement felt).
Does make me wonder if I'm going to have my hands full with Squidge, s/he is always on the move it seems. Of course having plenty of sleep times, but awake times - boy, I sure do know about it!!! Part of me is wondering if that's where all my energy is going - to Squidge!!! As s/he seems to have tonnes of it and I'm just SO. TIRED. all the time lately. Every day I wake up and wish I could have more sleep. Every day I have to nap with Robert. And then I'm itching to go to bed at barely 9pm every night, sometimes even at 8, 8.30. But then another thing it could be is the diabetes. Or maybe I'm anaemic this time, I guess I'll find out at my next midwife appointment on the 9th August. It would just be my luck I suppose to be anaemic as well, and have to take iron tablets.
Anyway, 30 weeks tomorrow. I can hardly believe it. 10 weeks from now I am due to be cuddling a second tiny baby which seems just crazy. And still a little surreal to be honest. I remember feeling the same with Robert, finding it difficult to imagine the reality that I am actually growing a BABY and that it won't really be long until it's here, with us, as a part of our family. I do actually also wonder if activity in the womb has a bearing on when they're likely to be born, will the fact that Squidge is ultra active mean s/he is born at an earlier gestation than Robert? Probably not I'm sure there are plenty of people who can disprove this with their babies.
Anyway I shall leave you with a few recent photos of my gorgeous boy (who's getting more and more grown up by the day!)
Robert's "grin" face :)
Peeking out of a bird hide at a country park, he was looking at some ducks on the lake.
Eating his dinner. We put out a fork every meal or a spoon depending on the meal, and we encourage him to use it but we don't put pressure on him, I'm sure he'll use it all the time when he's ready!
Playing with the goats at a local kiddie farm, they are allowed to go in the pens as long as they don't chase the goats!
Picking strawberries at Grandma's house, he loved this!
Sitting at his table, he loves to sit here and colour, or read books, or eat his snack and lunch. I've started to give him his sandwich at his table, and it's going pretty well although he often has a lot of half eaten bits of sandwich on the plate at the end! I ask him to sit back down if he's eating and only let him wander off if he's finished (which he now signs to me by the way!)
Enjoying the see-saw :)
Bath time fun :) This is his "mischeivous" look he gets, at this point he was sliding himself up and down the bath mat while holding on to the railings!
Caterpillar! Fascinated by it, he also found one today, but then after he put it down, he stepped on it and killed it :(
Coming to touch the baby ;) He doesn't really understand it I don't think, I guess it is a pretty tough concept for him to get.
And lastly, this photo: Goodness knows what provoked this expression, I have a feeling it was just one of those amazing captures from just a variety of expressions if you know what I mean!
I can't believe how different Squidge's pregnancy is than his/her brother's. Not only because of the diabetes but also how my heartburn is less than with Robert's (so far), I've had a few niggles with it, and had to take gaviscon a couple of times, but by August 2008 it was bad enough that I had to get a prescription and from then on was taking it regularly, bearing in mind it's almost August now and I'm 7 weeks furthur on than I was with Robert at that time of the year. Maybe it will get worse, who knows?
But also, Squidge is constantly on the move, constantly squirming, waving arms/legs/head around. Beverley said Squidge was breech when I saw her on Monday. Although she seemed a little uncertain. Sometimes I think she's right and others I don't, I think Squidge must be having fun doing somersaults all the time in there! When she checked the position prior to checking the heartbeat, she must have woke Squidge up, who then went crazy! She had just asked me about Squidge's movements, and I said they were fine, then "ah, there we go!" and sure enough Squidge was wriggling, squirming, kicking around so much while Beverley was trying to get the heartbeat I was actually wondering if she'd manage to check it ok!! Robert was never like that, he was pretty chilled out during antenatal checks, occasionally gave a boot to the doppler, but then that was it!
The last two times she's actually felt Squidge move herself, so much so she put in my notes "FM - Good" (fetal movement) whereas before, and with Robert it was simply "FM" or "FMF" (fetal movement felt).
Does make me wonder if I'm going to have my hands full with Squidge, s/he is always on the move it seems. Of course having plenty of sleep times, but awake times - boy, I sure do know about it!!! Part of me is wondering if that's where all my energy is going - to Squidge!!! As s/he seems to have tonnes of it and I'm just SO. TIRED. all the time lately. Every day I wake up and wish I could have more sleep. Every day I have to nap with Robert. And then I'm itching to go to bed at barely 9pm every night, sometimes even at 8, 8.30. But then another thing it could be is the diabetes. Or maybe I'm anaemic this time, I guess I'll find out at my next midwife appointment on the 9th August. It would just be my luck I suppose to be anaemic as well, and have to take iron tablets.
Anyway, 30 weeks tomorrow. I can hardly believe it. 10 weeks from now I am due to be cuddling a second tiny baby which seems just crazy. And still a little surreal to be honest. I remember feeling the same with Robert, finding it difficult to imagine the reality that I am actually growing a BABY and that it won't really be long until it's here, with us, as a part of our family. I do actually also wonder if activity in the womb has a bearing on when they're likely to be born, will the fact that Squidge is ultra active mean s/he is born at an earlier gestation than Robert? Probably not I'm sure there are plenty of people who can disprove this with their babies.
Anyway I shall leave you with a few recent photos of my gorgeous boy (who's getting more and more grown up by the day!)
Robert's "grin" face :)
Peeking out of a bird hide at a country park, he was looking at some ducks on the lake.
Eating his dinner. We put out a fork every meal or a spoon depending on the meal, and we encourage him to use it but we don't put pressure on him, I'm sure he'll use it all the time when he's ready!
Playing with the goats at a local kiddie farm, they are allowed to go in the pens as long as they don't chase the goats!
Picking strawberries at Grandma's house, he loved this!
Sitting at his table, he loves to sit here and colour, or read books, or eat his snack and lunch. I've started to give him his sandwich at his table, and it's going pretty well although he often has a lot of half eaten bits of sandwich on the plate at the end! I ask him to sit back down if he's eating and only let him wander off if he's finished (which he now signs to me by the way!)
Enjoying the see-saw :)
Bath time fun :) This is his "mischeivous" look he gets, at this point he was sliding himself up and down the bath mat while holding on to the railings!
Caterpillar! Fascinated by it, he also found one today, but then after he put it down, he stepped on it and killed it :(
Coming to touch the baby ;) He doesn't really understand it I don't think, I guess it is a pretty tough concept for him to get.
And lastly, this photo: Goodness knows what provoked this expression, I have a feeling it was just one of those amazing captures from just a variety of expressions if you know what I mean!
Thursday 22 July 2010
29 weeks! Appointment updates and belly picture
Hello! Well I am now 29 weeks! I can't believe I'm 1 week away from 30 weeks! Then I'll be in my 30s all the way until baby is born (give or take a few weeks haha!)
Squidge is so so so active, I'm thinking as time goes on that s/he MUST be more active than Robert was. I'm sooo looking forward to meeting him/her and finding out whether it is a him or a her!
Facebookers will know that my appointments this week were either end of the spectrum. The consultant appointment on Monday was a waste of time, pure and simple. We waited in the waiting room for an hour and a half past our appointment time, to be told that he'd prefer me to have the baby in hospital (but he wouldn't "lock me up in here" if I decided not to), that I probably wouldn't have any growth scans, and that I needed to see the diabetic consultant. His reasoning for him preferring me to have a hospital birth was purely and simply because Robert was big and his delivery was tough. Well, without knowing if Squidge is going to be big for certain what use is that??? I am very much hoping that my diabetes consultant appointment gives me more acceptable answers that are relating to SQUIDGE'S birth, and not Robert's.
Yesterday I had my appointment with the diabetic nurse and the dietician. Which was very informative and has put my mind at rest regarding a lot of things. I have been given a finger prick kit and taught how to use it, and been told that as long as my blood sugar levels are below 7.8 that's fine, and to wait an hour after each meal before testing. My breakfast of toast with jam brought my sugar levels to 7.2 after an hour (and 10 minutes) so that's good :) Will try again tomorrow and see if maybe any less jam does the same. Or maybe try my usual cereal and see what happens with that. The next two days are really about experimenting, seeing how high my usual meals and eating habits send my sugar levels, and then the weekend will be about adjusting that.
Anyway, so that's that :)
I had a good birthday weekend, I saw my mum and she was thrilled to spend so much time with Robert (and delighted in his new speaking, and his running around on tip toes!). For my birthday present she took me to matalan and helped me pick out some new tops I could wear as maternity (they weren't specifically maternity clothing yet again, but they look great with my bump!)
I got this one in this pink and in a green...
I got this one which will be great for BF after the baby is born too!
I got this one in green and white stripes..
And I got another one which I can't actually find on the website :( It's quite a long one with a nice funky blue pattern on it, I do actually wonder if it's a dress but I would never wear it as such ;)
Anyway here is my 28 week belly shot (which I took last week!)
And for comparison, Robert's 28 week belly shot
That's about it for now really! Thank you for your comments on the last few entries, I love reading them!
Squidge is so so so active, I'm thinking as time goes on that s/he MUST be more active than Robert was. I'm sooo looking forward to meeting him/her and finding out whether it is a him or a her!
Facebookers will know that my appointments this week were either end of the spectrum. The consultant appointment on Monday was a waste of time, pure and simple. We waited in the waiting room for an hour and a half past our appointment time, to be told that he'd prefer me to have the baby in hospital (but he wouldn't "lock me up in here" if I decided not to), that I probably wouldn't have any growth scans, and that I needed to see the diabetic consultant. His reasoning for him preferring me to have a hospital birth was purely and simply because Robert was big and his delivery was tough. Well, without knowing if Squidge is going to be big for certain what use is that??? I am very much hoping that my diabetes consultant appointment gives me more acceptable answers that are relating to SQUIDGE'S birth, and not Robert's.
Yesterday I had my appointment with the diabetic nurse and the dietician. Which was very informative and has put my mind at rest regarding a lot of things. I have been given a finger prick kit and taught how to use it, and been told that as long as my blood sugar levels are below 7.8 that's fine, and to wait an hour after each meal before testing. My breakfast of toast with jam brought my sugar levels to 7.2 after an hour (and 10 minutes) so that's good :) Will try again tomorrow and see if maybe any less jam does the same. Or maybe try my usual cereal and see what happens with that. The next two days are really about experimenting, seeing how high my usual meals and eating habits send my sugar levels, and then the weekend will be about adjusting that.
Anyway, so that's that :)
I had a good birthday weekend, I saw my mum and she was thrilled to spend so much time with Robert (and delighted in his new speaking, and his running around on tip toes!). For my birthday present she took me to matalan and helped me pick out some new tops I could wear as maternity (they weren't specifically maternity clothing yet again, but they look great with my bump!)
I got this one in this pink and in a green...
I got this one which will be great for BF after the baby is born too!
I got this one in green and white stripes..
And I got another one which I can't actually find on the website :( It's quite a long one with a nice funky blue pattern on it, I do actually wonder if it's a dress but I would never wear it as such ;)
Anyway here is my 28 week belly shot (which I took last week!)
And for comparison, Robert's 28 week belly shot
That's about it for now really! Thank you for your comments on the last few entries, I love reading them!
Thursday 15 July 2010
28 weeks - mw appointment, diabetes.
As most of you will probably know from facebook, my results came back from the glucose tolerance test as me having "elavated blood sugar levels", which implies that I do indeed have gestational diabetes. I was in complete shock when she told me, I was completely expecting her to say it was fine. So now she has referred me to a diabetes nurse on Wednesday, as well as the consultant on Monday, and will probably get referred to a specialist consultant as well. What a nightmare!
I have no idea what to expect on Monday, what is going to be asked/discussed. I feel a little left out in the wind right now, not knowing what's going on. I feel fine in myself, apart from the odd spate of tiredness which I put down to pregnancy in general. What I'm finding weird is the sheer volume of appointments with various people I have had and been given to attend. Had my MW app at 24+4, then my blood test this monday gone at 27+4, MW at 27+6, got my consultant app on 28+4, diabetic nurse app 28+6, then MW again 29+4. Will likely have more cons apps, diabetic nurse apps, diabetes consultant apps and growth scans along with normal (and extra!!!) MW apps. I feel completely overwhelmed if truth be told.
This combined with needing to get over Robert's birth. I surprisingly had a normal BP after she told me I had diabetes, but I bet if she was to take it now having had time to digest it and everything else, it'd be sky high. And surprise surprise - no glucose in urine. She said she's going to speak to Louise for me regarding a debrief since I've not heard back from the community midwife unit yet.
I am confused following a phone call with my dad (supposed type 2 diabetic who says he never has any problem with it anymore and everyone who sees him regarding his diabetes always says "why are you here?") about the glucose levels she put in my notes, and just how low they've put the threshold for diabetes, as my sugar levels showed up as 8.9 after 2 hours from drinking that drink, 5.1 before hand. So I dunno. I am confused, and overwhelmed, and despite the extra scans I will get to see Squidge again, I am suddenly wishing for the normal pregnancy I appeared to have with Robert.
I am also somewhat selfishly wondering about what sort of diet changes I will have to make. I like my treats, maybe they are becoming more of a regularity than treat these days as the thought that I won't be able to have them anymore is scary. I already eat plenty of fruit and veg, I've made the switch from white to wholegrain bread (Hovis seed sensations, I'm not sure if it counts as wholemeal, but it's surely better than white?). I am worried though that maybe I will carry on having diabetes after Squidge is here. I wonder if I have to cut out all sugar completely. Can I have yoghurts? Can I have jam on my toast in the morning?
And then yesterday I made the mistake of telling Sarah while other people around. Off sparked a discussion amongst everyone in the room on gestational diabetes, how I would now HAVE to have a hospital birth, whether I like it or not, etc. Sigh. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there for the rest of this pregnancy.
Then there's the guilt factor coming in - could my eating habits have made this happen? If I'd been more careful, and treated my treats as such, would I be happily telling people my blood test came back clear? If maybe I wasn't obese in the first place, if I'd made more of an effort to lose the weight before would I be here now?
Well it's 28 weeks today, so it is time for a new belly picture, which I've not got round to taking yet. I'll take it later today. I hope everyone's ok.
I have no idea what to expect on Monday, what is going to be asked/discussed. I feel a little left out in the wind right now, not knowing what's going on. I feel fine in myself, apart from the odd spate of tiredness which I put down to pregnancy in general. What I'm finding weird is the sheer volume of appointments with various people I have had and been given to attend. Had my MW app at 24+4, then my blood test this monday gone at 27+4, MW at 27+6, got my consultant app on 28+4, diabetic nurse app 28+6, then MW again 29+4. Will likely have more cons apps, diabetic nurse apps, diabetes consultant apps and growth scans along with normal (and extra!!!) MW apps. I feel completely overwhelmed if truth be told.
This combined with needing to get over Robert's birth. I surprisingly had a normal BP after she told me I had diabetes, but I bet if she was to take it now having had time to digest it and everything else, it'd be sky high. And surprise surprise - no glucose in urine. She said she's going to speak to Louise for me regarding a debrief since I've not heard back from the community midwife unit yet.
I am confused following a phone call with my dad (supposed type 2 diabetic who says he never has any problem with it anymore and everyone who sees him regarding his diabetes always says "why are you here?") about the glucose levels she put in my notes, and just how low they've put the threshold for diabetes, as my sugar levels showed up as 8.9 after 2 hours from drinking that drink, 5.1 before hand. So I dunno. I am confused, and overwhelmed, and despite the extra scans I will get to see Squidge again, I am suddenly wishing for the normal pregnancy I appeared to have with Robert.
I am also somewhat selfishly wondering about what sort of diet changes I will have to make. I like my treats, maybe they are becoming more of a regularity than treat these days as the thought that I won't be able to have them anymore is scary. I already eat plenty of fruit and veg, I've made the switch from white to wholegrain bread (Hovis seed sensations, I'm not sure if it counts as wholemeal, but it's surely better than white?). I am worried though that maybe I will carry on having diabetes after Squidge is here. I wonder if I have to cut out all sugar completely. Can I have yoghurts? Can I have jam on my toast in the morning?
And then yesterday I made the mistake of telling Sarah while other people around. Off sparked a discussion amongst everyone in the room on gestational diabetes, how I would now HAVE to have a hospital birth, whether I like it or not, etc. Sigh. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there for the rest of this pregnancy.
Then there's the guilt factor coming in - could my eating habits have made this happen? If I'd been more careful, and treated my treats as such, would I be happily telling people my blood test came back clear? If maybe I wasn't obese in the first place, if I'd made more of an effort to lose the weight before would I be here now?
Well it's 28 weeks today, so it is time for a new belly picture, which I've not got round to taking yet. I'll take it later today. I hope everyone's ok.
Tuesday 13 July 2010
27 weeks 5 days - mothers instincts? Name spoiler finally!!
I don't know if it's because of the several dreams I have had now, but I can't help but think of Squidge as a little girl. Last night I was laying in bed, Squidge was being overly active, which was lovely and I was just watching my belly wobble around, feeling the little pokes wriggles and (for the first time this pregnancy!!) hiccups! I lay there looking fondly at my bump and allowing myself to daydream about little Erin (yes I finally succumbed, there you go!! That's our girl's name!!) joining us in October, signing cards from Nicola, Jonathan, Robert and Erin. I couldn't help but keep thinking about that name. And then I felt guilty, because what if it's Christopher and not Erin? Christopher still doesn't sit perfectly well in my mind and heart. Whether it's because I don't believe the baby is a boy deep down, or because I am thinking it's a girl because we both like the name Erin so much, I don't know.
I so want to tell myself that it's a boy. I just know so many people who are having girls and only a couple who are having boys so I just feel that for that reason I'll have another boy because then it'll be more even. I know it doesn't work like that but I can't help but think it. I'm actually terrified that by allowing myself to whole heartedly believe that the baby is a girl, that by thinking "Erin" automatically when I look at my bump, and feel the baby move, that I'm setting myself up for huge disappointment when I find out that I'm not having my Erin afterall. I can't believe what started out as a small niggly feeling in the back of my mind has now turned into such an overpowering feeling it's completely overriden my "boy" thoughts completely.
I keep thinking about the growth scans I am likely to get. Keep thinking "there's still that chance to find out". And I still think that although the urge gets stronger every day to find out the sex, will I be hugely disappointed that I caved in and disallowed myself the surprise? Part of me is looking forward to the surprise at the birth so much, but part of me now, with these overwhelming "it's a girl" thoughts is getting me scared that I will not accept a boy so lovingly in my mind if it's a surprise, especially since I have a leaning towards wanting a girl this time.
Every time I hear about someone who's found out they're having a girl, I inwardly groan, like it makes it less likely that I'm having one! How crazy is that?! I know that at the end of the day I will love my tiny baby boy just as much as if he were a girl, because I thought the same with Robert, I wanted him to be a girl, he wasn't, but I love him so much and wouldn't make him a girl for the world now! Wouldn't change a thing about him. He makes me so proud every day.
Anyway that's enough rambling about that. Tomorrow I will be having my 28 week midwife appointment, she will let me know the results of the glucose tolerance test I had yesterday, and do all the routine checks, and I'll talk to her about my birthing worries and my dreams and see what she says about that. I've not heard back from the community midwife office yet regarding my debrief on Robert's birth so I'll see what happens tomorrow.
I so want to tell myself that it's a boy. I just know so many people who are having girls and only a couple who are having boys so I just feel that for that reason I'll have another boy because then it'll be more even. I know it doesn't work like that but I can't help but think it. I'm actually terrified that by allowing myself to whole heartedly believe that the baby is a girl, that by thinking "Erin" automatically when I look at my bump, and feel the baby move, that I'm setting myself up for huge disappointment when I find out that I'm not having my Erin afterall. I can't believe what started out as a small niggly feeling in the back of my mind has now turned into such an overpowering feeling it's completely overriden my "boy" thoughts completely.
I keep thinking about the growth scans I am likely to get. Keep thinking "there's still that chance to find out". And I still think that although the urge gets stronger every day to find out the sex, will I be hugely disappointed that I caved in and disallowed myself the surprise? Part of me is looking forward to the surprise at the birth so much, but part of me now, with these overwhelming "it's a girl" thoughts is getting me scared that I will not accept a boy so lovingly in my mind if it's a surprise, especially since I have a leaning towards wanting a girl this time.
Every time I hear about someone who's found out they're having a girl, I inwardly groan, like it makes it less likely that I'm having one! How crazy is that?! I know that at the end of the day I will love my tiny baby boy just as much as if he were a girl, because I thought the same with Robert, I wanted him to be a girl, he wasn't, but I love him so much and wouldn't make him a girl for the world now! Wouldn't change a thing about him. He makes me so proud every day.
Anyway that's enough rambling about that. Tomorrow I will be having my 28 week midwife appointment, she will let me know the results of the glucose tolerance test I had yesterday, and do all the routine checks, and I'll talk to her about my birthing worries and my dreams and see what she says about that. I've not heard back from the community midwife office yet regarding my debrief on Robert's birth so I'll see what happens tomorrow.
Tuesday 6 July 2010
26 weeks 5 days - random things
Firstly, I think Robert is in the middle of weaning himself :( He is usually most eager in the mornings, but lately, all he wants to do is immediately climb off the bed and go and play, no snuggle time for mummy and daddy at all :( He will occasionally come up to me afterwards and have some milk briefly, but it's never for very long anymore. And at night before bed he seems to sign milk very happily, but as soon as I lay down on the bed he goes to climb off, so more often than not lately he's been going to bed without having any milk at all. And I can't remember the last time he asked in the middle of the day. I still have 3 months to go of this pregnancy and it seems very likely he will have completely self weaned within a month, so by the time he's 20 months old. But if it is to be, it is to be. I'd much rather he wean himself slowly like he is doing than to suddenly stop. I think I will ask Jonathan to take some pictures the next time Robert has some milk, as it may be the last breastfeeding picture of Robert I have! I do so love the ones I have of him when he is younger, the last one we have is of him around 10 months old. So almost half his life ago!
Another thing is that the closer to the end of pregnancy I get (I know, I'm not even 3/4 of the way through yet!) the more I worry about a repeat performance of Robert's birth. Or perhaps not a repeat performance, but that worrying about Robert's birth will make me "clam up" during birth and make it harder on me. I have had some rather horrific dreams of late, one of which was only a couple of nights ago, I was in labour, and baby was in trouble, got itself into a strange position in the womb (its head was sticking OUT of my belly, so you could see its face and everything!). The midwife although they were around, was not with me and I couldn't find her. I could sense that in my dream I was tense and while I don't remember any pain I remember the stalling of labour and when finally the baby was born he (yes he) was in so much trouble breathing that I couldn't do anything for him and he died. :(
That is probably one of the greatest fears regarding Robert's birth. Both Jonathan and I were in so much shock when Robert was born that he wasn't breathing, and was blue/black all over, that if the midwives hadn't been around, he would have died. In fact, Jonathan told me that when Robert was born, he thought that Robert was already dead.
I read in the pregnancy book that came with the bounty pack I got at 8 weeks from the midwife a section on postnatal post traumatic stress disorder. When I read that section I thought "that's what I had". Symptoms including numbness to emotion, irritability, irrationality, depression. Caused by a fear of death either of yourself or your baby. While the anti-depressants I was on helped with the PND I suffered, I think there is some more work I need to do on Robert's birth and my worries surrounding this.
I still remember the numbness I felt after he was born. I remember sitting on the sofa numbly (fully naked but not caring!!!), watching them with Robert as they fought to get him breathing, I remember going into the ambulance, sitting on the seat in there and the midwife telling me it was ok to cry but I couldn't cry. I remember seeing him in the incubator for the first time after I'd had my stitches done and had a bath, and feeling nothing towards him. A day later I was able to cry. A few weeks after Robert was born, I was able to think back to the birth without immediately bursting into tears, but I then did sort of block it from my mind.
Now, with Squidge's birth getting closer and closer I can't help but think about Robert's again and I do have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it. I think it will be necessary to get some help in overcoming my blocked feelings towards his birth, it was probably something I should have done a long time ago but I am beginning to realise now that it is something that needs to be done, and when I see my midwife again in a week's time, I shall talk to her about it and see what she can suggest. I need to do something. For me. For Squidge, and for Robert too.
EDIT: Additional thoughts on the dreams since I first posted this entry.
The one I said above was only one half. The next half of the dream, I can't remember if it was a second one after having woken briefly and fallen asleep again, or if it followed on, but I was in labour again with a different baby. I remember the 2nd labour stalling again, as I was nervous due to the other birth, but after a while I sort of "swallowed" it, and just tried to put it out of my mind, and did what I thought I should. Again, there was no midwife around (although again, there was supposed to be one near), and I again birthed alone, bending down to receive the baby myself. The baby was ok, and I was so relieved, yet my feelings still seemed a little squashed. This baby, while looking practically identical to the baby boy who died, and was a similar weight (BIG!), was a baby girl.
I found myself wondering, if the first birth in the sequence was meant to represent Robert's birth, the baby who would have died if no midwives were around. And if maybe, some glimmer of hope, that the second birth, is meant to represent Squidge's birth, that while I still have some risidual feelings left over from the first birth, I manage to squash them, and successfully birth a healthy baby (GIRL????!!!) who even with lack of immediate midwife care would be alright?
I think I would still need to talk to someone, try and get these issues I have surrounding Robert's birth out in the open, but if the second half of the dream is a vision of Squidge's birth, maybe I should try and remain positive.
Another thing is that the closer to the end of pregnancy I get (I know, I'm not even 3/4 of the way through yet!) the more I worry about a repeat performance of Robert's birth. Or perhaps not a repeat performance, but that worrying about Robert's birth will make me "clam up" during birth and make it harder on me. I have had some rather horrific dreams of late, one of which was only a couple of nights ago, I was in labour, and baby was in trouble, got itself into a strange position in the womb (its head was sticking OUT of my belly, so you could see its face and everything!). The midwife although they were around, was not with me and I couldn't find her. I could sense that in my dream I was tense and while I don't remember any pain I remember the stalling of labour and when finally the baby was born he (yes he) was in so much trouble breathing that I couldn't do anything for him and he died. :(
That is probably one of the greatest fears regarding Robert's birth. Both Jonathan and I were in so much shock when Robert was born that he wasn't breathing, and was blue/black all over, that if the midwives hadn't been around, he would have died. In fact, Jonathan told me that when Robert was born, he thought that Robert was already dead.
I read in the pregnancy book that came with the bounty pack I got at 8 weeks from the midwife a section on postnatal post traumatic stress disorder. When I read that section I thought "that's what I had". Symptoms including numbness to emotion, irritability, irrationality, depression. Caused by a fear of death either of yourself or your baby. While the anti-depressants I was on helped with the PND I suffered, I think there is some more work I need to do on Robert's birth and my worries surrounding this.
I still remember the numbness I felt after he was born. I remember sitting on the sofa numbly (fully naked but not caring!!!), watching them with Robert as they fought to get him breathing, I remember going into the ambulance, sitting on the seat in there and the midwife telling me it was ok to cry but I couldn't cry. I remember seeing him in the incubator for the first time after I'd had my stitches done and had a bath, and feeling nothing towards him. A day later I was able to cry. A few weeks after Robert was born, I was able to think back to the birth without immediately bursting into tears, but I then did sort of block it from my mind.
Now, with Squidge's birth getting closer and closer I can't help but think about Robert's again and I do have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it. I think it will be necessary to get some help in overcoming my blocked feelings towards his birth, it was probably something I should have done a long time ago but I am beginning to realise now that it is something that needs to be done, and when I see my midwife again in a week's time, I shall talk to her about it and see what she can suggest. I need to do something. For me. For Squidge, and for Robert too.
EDIT: Additional thoughts on the dreams since I first posted this entry.
The one I said above was only one half. The next half of the dream, I can't remember if it was a second one after having woken briefly and fallen asleep again, or if it followed on, but I was in labour again with a different baby. I remember the 2nd labour stalling again, as I was nervous due to the other birth, but after a while I sort of "swallowed" it, and just tried to put it out of my mind, and did what I thought I should. Again, there was no midwife around (although again, there was supposed to be one near), and I again birthed alone, bending down to receive the baby myself. The baby was ok, and I was so relieved, yet my feelings still seemed a little squashed. This baby, while looking practically identical to the baby boy who died, and was a similar weight (BIG!), was a baby girl.
I found myself wondering, if the first birth in the sequence was meant to represent Robert's birth, the baby who would have died if no midwives were around. And if maybe, some glimmer of hope, that the second birth, is meant to represent Squidge's birth, that while I still have some risidual feelings left over from the first birth, I manage to squash them, and successfully birth a healthy baby (GIRL????!!!) who even with lack of immediate midwife care would be alright?
I think I would still need to talk to someone, try and get these issues I have surrounding Robert's birth out in the open, but if the second half of the dream is a vision of Squidge's birth, maybe I should try and remain positive.
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