Have I mentioned how fantastic my in-laws are? They are brilliant, they respect us as parents, they do as we ask with things relating to our children, and every Tuesday morning they look after Robert (which gives me time for Christopher, and a bit of me time during his naps), and then in the afternoon, they bring Robert back, and my mother-in-law looks after the boys while I go and do the weekly shop with my father-in-law.
Robert tends to go to sleep for his nap shortly after they get here in the afternoon, and Christopher may or may not be having his.
The last two weeks though when Christopher has been awake on my leaving to go shopping, I have come back to find that he has been screaming solidly since about 20 minutes after my departure. :( Words cannot describe how awful this makes me feel, nothing my mother-in-law did helped console him, he realised I wasn't there, and it was only seeing me that made him happy again.
Next week, if he is awake (and not due a nap) when I go to do the weekly shop, Christopher will come with us. I cannot bear to have my sweet baby boy go through such torture, thinking his Mummy has abandoned him :( My poor little guy. :( Yesterday, I gave him a cuddle for 5 minutes, then went to put away the cold shopping, and he started screaming again. Now I know some babies do this a lot, but Christopher NEVER screams, not like that. He cries sometimes, yes. He grumbles a fair amount when he is sleepy, and he cries when he wakes in the night with a rumbling tummy. But that is the ONLY time I've heard him scream.
I am not going to put him through that again for the sake of "getting him used to it". He is not even six months old for goodness sake! Yes, at some point, he IS going to have to get used to being apart from me, but not yet. Poor little love.
I still can't believe how much love the human heart is capable of storing. I remember Alice saying once how instead of your love being shared amongst your children, with each child your heart grows an extra chamber, an extra pocket of love. It's true. I love Christopher more and more with each passing day, and the same for Robert. The capabilities of a mother absolutely blow my mind, this is definitely Mother Nature at her finest.
Wednesday 16 March 2011
Monday 14 March 2011
Finding things tough. :(
I had a hard day on Friday. Being nonchalant about a friendship that was very important to me has proven very difficult, especially when that person is now acting like I'm the devil, and telling anyone who will listen.
I asked Jonathan what he'd think about moving house, I felt that upset about it all. I do want to move at one point anyway, but that was definitely a bit rash.
We have reached a compromise, in that we will focus on some home improvements, and also I will get my provisional licence and start learning to drive. We'll get a second car, and pave over our lawn to have somewhere to park it, and convert the garage too so we have a proper dining room.
Let's hope this is onwards and upwards.
I asked Jonathan what he'd think about moving house, I felt that upset about it all. I do want to move at one point anyway, but that was definitely a bit rash.
We have reached a compromise, in that we will focus on some home improvements, and also I will get my provisional licence and start learning to drive. We'll get a second car, and pave over our lawn to have somewhere to park it, and convert the garage too so we have a proper dining room.
Let's hope this is onwards and upwards.
Thursday 10 March 2011
Tantrums!
Boy oh boy, so HERE are the "terrible twos". Robert has started tantrumming like crazy, at 27 months. I guess we did quite well to get this far with only a few minor incidents, but lately we are getting full on, screaming the place down tantrums. As his sole carer, boy am I feeling the brunt of it! You sure do notice it when your once laid back toddler suddenly finds himself. My days are now about 5 times as hard, and by the time the boys are in bed, I feel EXHAUSTED, both mentally and physically.
I must admit, part of me is thinking "What did I let myself in for?!?!" knowing that Christopher will one day be this tantrumming toddler! With Robert's sudden assertiveness has come another leap in his language. He says more and more complex sentences every day, and absorbs new phrases and sentences like a sponge!
His latest phrase, which is already becoming a bit wearing, is "Stop bugging me, Mummy!" Goodness knows where he picked that up from, the only place I can think of is this pyjama set we bought him..
I guess we must have read it out loud at one point and he picked up on it, but how he managed to get it in context I don't know, but now, whenever I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, that's what I hear. Whenever I go to do something he doesn't want me to do (whether it's regarding him or not) that's what I hear. Do I just ignore it? Like you'd do for swear words?
He's had a proper time out once now, for 2 minutes. But I find it difficult to assess what would constitute a good reason for putting him in time out, if you know what I mean? I'm desperately trying to find time to read through "Children are from Heaven" again. And will try and read out relevant sections to Jonathan so he's got an idea on the book, as he won't read books I want him to.
I'm feeling ok though generally. It's more difficult, yes, but today was easier. The boys and I went for a buggy walk with SureStart, Robert in the buggy, and Christopher in my Ellaroo. It was only me as a parent on the walk, so when Robert wanted to walk, he held Angela's hand while I pushed the empty buggy, and occasionally he would get back in for a rest and I'd push.
This afternoon we played in the garden for a while. It was incredibly windy so we didn't stay outside for too long. I consented whenever Robert asked to nurse, and each time I reflected on his stillness and the silence! And of course, it's very difficult to be annoyed with a nursling, especially if they are still, and look up into your eyes :)
On other news, we have begun to slowly introduce solid foods to Christopher. He doesn't turn 6 months until the 25th, but he is sitting with support, and will grab food and take it to his mouth. And Robert was a few days younger too :)
We are doing baby-led weaning again. Christopher has tried pear, banana, cauliflower and broccoli. I am not going to introduce anything other than fruit or vegetables until he is 6 months old. He really enjoyed the cauliflower today. He enjoyed the pear he had the other day. He's not ingested a lot yet. Although I'm not entirely sure how much of the cauliflower he ate, as it was a fairly large piece and by the end it was of course all shredded to bits! Whenever I held up some food for him to take from my hands, his eyes would goggle and he would grab out urgently with both hands for what I was holding :) So eager, bless him. But it is all a little bitter sweet, I know he is ready for it, yet he's my little baby. It's not met with as much enthusiasm (on my part) as I thought it would!
I've found bits of evidence that he has eaten some of the pear, and the banana. I guess tomorrow I will find out just how much cauliflower he ate today ;)
I must admit, part of me is thinking "What did I let myself in for?!?!" knowing that Christopher will one day be this tantrumming toddler! With Robert's sudden assertiveness has come another leap in his language. He says more and more complex sentences every day, and absorbs new phrases and sentences like a sponge!
His latest phrase, which is already becoming a bit wearing, is "Stop bugging me, Mummy!" Goodness knows where he picked that up from, the only place I can think of is this pyjama set we bought him..
I guess we must have read it out loud at one point and he picked up on it, but how he managed to get it in context I don't know, but now, whenever I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, that's what I hear. Whenever I go to do something he doesn't want me to do (whether it's regarding him or not) that's what I hear. Do I just ignore it? Like you'd do for swear words?
He's had a proper time out once now, for 2 minutes. But I find it difficult to assess what would constitute a good reason for putting him in time out, if you know what I mean? I'm desperately trying to find time to read through "Children are from Heaven" again. And will try and read out relevant sections to Jonathan so he's got an idea on the book, as he won't read books I want him to.
I'm feeling ok though generally. It's more difficult, yes, but today was easier. The boys and I went for a buggy walk with SureStart, Robert in the buggy, and Christopher in my Ellaroo. It was only me as a parent on the walk, so when Robert wanted to walk, he held Angela's hand while I pushed the empty buggy, and occasionally he would get back in for a rest and I'd push.
This afternoon we played in the garden for a while. It was incredibly windy so we didn't stay outside for too long. I consented whenever Robert asked to nurse, and each time I reflected on his stillness and the silence! And of course, it's very difficult to be annoyed with a nursling, especially if they are still, and look up into your eyes :)
On other news, we have begun to slowly introduce solid foods to Christopher. He doesn't turn 6 months until the 25th, but he is sitting with support, and will grab food and take it to his mouth. And Robert was a few days younger too :)
We are doing baby-led weaning again. Christopher has tried pear, banana, cauliflower and broccoli. I am not going to introduce anything other than fruit or vegetables until he is 6 months old. He really enjoyed the cauliflower today. He enjoyed the pear he had the other day. He's not ingested a lot yet. Although I'm not entirely sure how much of the cauliflower he ate, as it was a fairly large piece and by the end it was of course all shredded to bits! Whenever I held up some food for him to take from my hands, his eyes would goggle and he would grab out urgently with both hands for what I was holding :) So eager, bless him. But it is all a little bitter sweet, I know he is ready for it, yet he's my little baby. It's not met with as much enthusiasm (on my part) as I thought it would!
I've found bits of evidence that he has eaten some of the pear, and the banana. I guess tomorrow I will find out just how much cauliflower he ate today ;)
Friday 4 March 2011
I feel sad
Most days, I fail at my mission to be a calm Mummy. Most days, I shout at Robert at least once. I know that no-one is the perfect parent, but some days I feel so inadequate. And then I tell Robert not to shout, yet I shout. Sometimes I ask calmly, then ask calmly again, then again, and again, and again. Then I start to get frustrated, and my voice rises. Then some more. Then realising even the rising voice isn't getting the correct response, it turns into a sudden yell, a leap in loudness which provokes a loud cry from Robert. Yet the cry is shortlived, it's almost as though he's come to learn that's what his Mama does. :(
I don't want to continue this path, I want to be the peaceful yet authoritative parent that I have read it is possible to be. The kind and understanding parent. The one who sees not the behaviour, but the needs of my child, and how those are affecting what he does. I want to be the parent that my child is not afraid to confide in as he gets older and starts to reach into adulthood. And to be that parent, I have to show him that he has nothing to fear from me, that making mistakes will not make me angry. That I understand that making mistakes is human, that everyone makes them, even his Mama.
When my mother came over to help out a couple of weeks after Christopher's birth, I mentioned to her, in jest, how I was "scarred for life" regarding an incident where she lost her temper with me. I do remember cowering in the corner of my room while she advanced on me and hit me. It was an isolated incident, but I remember it. Yes I have forgiven her, I know I must have been quite testing at that time to make her do that, but my mum burst into tears, and I realised that although I said it in jest, it was clearly an incident she remembers well too, and regrets deeply. I hugged her and assured her I was joking when I said I was "scarred" although obviously I do remember it. That I had forgiven her or else she would not have been with me at that moment, let alone at Christopher's birth.
But anyway, I don't want to feel that regret knowing I did something that will never leave my child's memory, even if it is a "one off". There are many things I regret already, things that luckily won't be left imprinted on anyone else's memory but mine, but I have to act. Learn patience, again and again. Take 10 seconds, a minute. Calm down and collect. Take some time to think, what would be best here? Not act rashly with emotion.
Being a parent has taught me so many things, and will teach me many more to come, and hopefully, along the process, I will become a better person.
I don't want to continue this path, I want to be the peaceful yet authoritative parent that I have read it is possible to be. The kind and understanding parent. The one who sees not the behaviour, but the needs of my child, and how those are affecting what he does. I want to be the parent that my child is not afraid to confide in as he gets older and starts to reach into adulthood. And to be that parent, I have to show him that he has nothing to fear from me, that making mistakes will not make me angry. That I understand that making mistakes is human, that everyone makes them, even his Mama.
When my mother came over to help out a couple of weeks after Christopher's birth, I mentioned to her, in jest, how I was "scarred for life" regarding an incident where she lost her temper with me. I do remember cowering in the corner of my room while she advanced on me and hit me. It was an isolated incident, but I remember it. Yes I have forgiven her, I know I must have been quite testing at that time to make her do that, but my mum burst into tears, and I realised that although I said it in jest, it was clearly an incident she remembers well too, and regrets deeply. I hugged her and assured her I was joking when I said I was "scarred" although obviously I do remember it. That I had forgiven her or else she would not have been with me at that moment, let alone at Christopher's birth.
But anyway, I don't want to feel that regret knowing I did something that will never leave my child's memory, even if it is a "one off". There are many things I regret already, things that luckily won't be left imprinted on anyone else's memory but mine, but I have to act. Learn patience, again and again. Take 10 seconds, a minute. Calm down and collect. Take some time to think, what would be best here? Not act rashly with emotion.
Being a parent has taught me so many things, and will teach me many more to come, and hopefully, along the process, I will become a better person.
Thursday 3 March 2011
Difference of opinion.
I am well aware that with regards to feeding a baby, no matter infancy, or the introduction of solids, or what, but there will ALWAYS be a difference of opinion amongst even the best of friends, the closest of family.
What I was not prepared for though was the attack I was on the receiving end of yesterday.
I went to the park with the boys to meet my friend, S, who lives down the road. We had a nice chat, I played with the older boys on the swings while she fed her daughter. Then came the weaning discussion. It started off gently, then progressed to slightly heated with both of us standing our ground as to what we believed in, then suddenly, BAM.
"I think that people who don't start to wean their babies by 4 months are cruel, and starving them."
*blink*
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My good friend, who KNOWS we are waiting until 6 months to wean Christopher, coming out with that while staring stonily into my eyes.
What she was referring to, was of course the article in the British Medical Journal regarding breastfed babies, and their lack of belief that 6 months exclusive breastfeeding was best for the baby, that the delay could bring about allergies and a lack of iron. Well I'm not going to turn this into a debate, but as far as I'm concerned, the response by The Analytical Armadillo says it all.
Anyway, I replied "You think I am cruel and starving Christopher?"
"Oh, no." she replied. "I don't know Christopher."
But it was what she meant. I went and got Robert, too angry to be able to rationalise with him why we had to go home, thus I had a screaming toddler who didn't understand why he had to leave the park so suddenly without warning :( As I left the park, she called after me "I've been wanting to tell you that for ages, but you wouldn't listen".
So THAT'S why she only has wanted to meet at the park lately. Because she was planning on dropping that nice little nugget into conversation and guessed how I would take it. Well, it appears my friend wasn't a friend at all. When she started weaning at 3 months, did I say anything? No. Did I start berating her choice and state my opinions on weaning early? No. Why? Because I valued our friendship. I knew she wouldn't understand, I knew she wouldn't do anything differently, so I let it slip by, after all, each baby is different right?
I was physically shaking as I was walking home and even for a while afterwards from the anger that my friend had said that to me. That she had stomped all over our friendship like that. Cruel. Starving. FUCKING CRUEL. What person calls their friend CRUEL? My baby is happy, healthy, growing well, meeting developmental milestones, yet is, apparently, starving. My baby who rarely cries, who laughs and smiles all the time, shows curiosity and amazement at his world, is the victim of CRUELTY at the hands of his mother, who has refused to shove bland blended vegetable mush into his mouth, but instead has chosen to wait til he can put the food into his mouth himself. Call the social services!!!! This baby is CLEARLY malnourished!!!!
And.. breathe.
Anyhow. Having played the senario out in my head all evening, and even when I woke in the middle of the night, annoyed I hadn't said certain things, and so on, I woke this morning, and it suddenly clicked. I don't need her friendship, not if she can act like that. And just because I have lost her friendship, there's no reason why I have to mope. None at all. Today I woke with a fresh view, a fresh outlook. My day-to-day life had become a little stagnant to be honest, I suppose cabin fever had set in. Each day, I am going to arrange to get out of the house, either in the morning or the afternoon. This morning I went on the buggy walk which the SureStart Centre do each Thursday morning. And in the morning/afternoon we are inside, I will do a fun activity with Robert (and maybe Christopher, weather and activity depending!). This afternoon we will make biscuits. He really enjoys making them, and then seeing them cook through the oven door. And then of course eating them! :)
We made some a few weeks back.
Tomorrow morning will be playgroup, which S has come to in the past, but hasn't for a good few weeks now, so I'm not anticipating she'll go again, but even if she does, the hall is plenty big enough to ignore her. Then in the afternoon Jonathan should be home early, as he's been working up extra hours this week, and tried to head into work early the last couple of days. So we might go out somewhere, or maybe he'll do something fun with the boys while I have a well earned relax - maybe a bath!! ;)
This weekend we are seeing my dad and step-mum. I can't wait, they absolutely adore the boys, and Robert particularly has got to the age where he LOVES seeing his grandparents, and the lucky boy has THREE sets!! He adores talking to them on the phone, and sometimes even brings me the phone and says "Ubberd eek Dadad!" (Robert speak Grandad)
It would be lovely to go out somewhere with them where Robert can run around and we all get a bit of fresh air and exercise! Something I intend to get a lot more of. Healthy and fit by summer, ready to play with my two gorgeous boys!
What I was not prepared for though was the attack I was on the receiving end of yesterday.
I went to the park with the boys to meet my friend, S, who lives down the road. We had a nice chat, I played with the older boys on the swings while she fed her daughter. Then came the weaning discussion. It started off gently, then progressed to slightly heated with both of us standing our ground as to what we believed in, then suddenly, BAM.
"I think that people who don't start to wean their babies by 4 months are cruel, and starving them."
*blink*
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My good friend, who KNOWS we are waiting until 6 months to wean Christopher, coming out with that while staring stonily into my eyes.
What she was referring to, was of course the article in the British Medical Journal regarding breastfed babies, and their lack of belief that 6 months exclusive breastfeeding was best for the baby, that the delay could bring about allergies and a lack of iron. Well I'm not going to turn this into a debate, but as far as I'm concerned, the response by The Analytical Armadillo says it all.
Anyway, I replied "You think I am cruel and starving Christopher?"
"Oh, no." she replied. "I don't know Christopher."
But it was what she meant. I went and got Robert, too angry to be able to rationalise with him why we had to go home, thus I had a screaming toddler who didn't understand why he had to leave the park so suddenly without warning :( As I left the park, she called after me "I've been wanting to tell you that for ages, but you wouldn't listen".
So THAT'S why she only has wanted to meet at the park lately. Because she was planning on dropping that nice little nugget into conversation and guessed how I would take it. Well, it appears my friend wasn't a friend at all. When she started weaning at 3 months, did I say anything? No. Did I start berating her choice and state my opinions on weaning early? No. Why? Because I valued our friendship. I knew she wouldn't understand, I knew she wouldn't do anything differently, so I let it slip by, after all, each baby is different right?
I was physically shaking as I was walking home and even for a while afterwards from the anger that my friend had said that to me. That she had stomped all over our friendship like that. Cruel. Starving. FUCKING CRUEL. What person calls their friend CRUEL? My baby is happy, healthy, growing well, meeting developmental milestones, yet is, apparently, starving. My baby who rarely cries, who laughs and smiles all the time, shows curiosity and amazement at his world, is the victim of CRUELTY at the hands of his mother, who has refused to shove bland blended vegetable mush into his mouth, but instead has chosen to wait til he can put the food into his mouth himself. Call the social services!!!! This baby is CLEARLY malnourished!!!!
And.. breathe.
Anyhow. Having played the senario out in my head all evening, and even when I woke in the middle of the night, annoyed I hadn't said certain things, and so on, I woke this morning, and it suddenly clicked. I don't need her friendship, not if she can act like that. And just because I have lost her friendship, there's no reason why I have to mope. None at all. Today I woke with a fresh view, a fresh outlook. My day-to-day life had become a little stagnant to be honest, I suppose cabin fever had set in. Each day, I am going to arrange to get out of the house, either in the morning or the afternoon. This morning I went on the buggy walk which the SureStart Centre do each Thursday morning. And in the morning/afternoon we are inside, I will do a fun activity with Robert (and maybe Christopher, weather and activity depending!). This afternoon we will make biscuits. He really enjoys making them, and then seeing them cook through the oven door. And then of course eating them! :)
We made some a few weeks back.
Tomorrow morning will be playgroup, which S has come to in the past, but hasn't for a good few weeks now, so I'm not anticipating she'll go again, but even if she does, the hall is plenty big enough to ignore her. Then in the afternoon Jonathan should be home early, as he's been working up extra hours this week, and tried to head into work early the last couple of days. So we might go out somewhere, or maybe he'll do something fun with the boys while I have a well earned relax - maybe a bath!! ;)
This weekend we are seeing my dad and step-mum. I can't wait, they absolutely adore the boys, and Robert particularly has got to the age where he LOVES seeing his grandparents, and the lucky boy has THREE sets!! He adores talking to them on the phone, and sometimes even brings me the phone and says "Ubberd eek Dadad!" (Robert speak Grandad)
It would be lovely to go out somewhere with them where Robert can run around and we all get a bit of fresh air and exercise! Something I intend to get a lot more of. Healthy and fit by summer, ready to play with my two gorgeous boys!
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