I feel sad

Most days, I fail at my mission to be a calm Mummy. Most days, I shout at Robert at least once. I know that no-one is the perfect parent, but some days I feel so inadequate. And then I tell Robert not to shout, yet I shout. Sometimes I ask calmly, then ask calmly again, then again, and again, and again. Then I start to get frustrated, and my voice rises. Then some more. Then realising even the rising voice isn't getting the correct response, it turns into a sudden yell, a leap in loudness which provokes a loud cry from Robert. Yet the cry is shortlived, it's almost as though he's come to learn that's what his Mama does. :(

I don't want to continue this path, I want to be the peaceful yet authoritative parent that I have read it is possible to be. The kind and understanding parent. The one who sees not the behaviour, but the needs of my child, and how those are affecting what he does. I want to be the parent that my child is not afraid to confide in as he gets older and starts to reach into adulthood. And to be that parent, I have to show him that he has nothing to fear from me, that making mistakes will not make me angry. That I understand that making mistakes is human, that everyone makes them, even his Mama.

When my mother came over to help out a couple of weeks after Christopher's birth, I mentioned to her, in jest, how I was "scarred for life" regarding an incident where she lost her temper with me. I do remember cowering in the corner of my room while she advanced on me and hit me. It was an isolated incident, but I remember it. Yes I have forgiven her, I know I must have been quite testing at that time to make her do that, but my mum burst into tears, and I realised that although I said it in jest, it was clearly an incident she remembers well too, and regrets deeply. I hugged her and assured her I was joking when I said I was "scarred" although obviously I do remember it. That I had forgiven her or else she would not have been with me at that moment, let alone at Christopher's birth.

But anyway, I don't want to feel that regret knowing I did something that will never leave my child's memory, even if it is a "one off". There are many things I regret already, things that luckily won't be left imprinted on anyone else's memory but mine, but I have to act. Learn patience, again and again. Take 10 seconds, a minute. Calm down and collect. Take some time to think, what would be best here? Not act rashly with emotion.

Being a parent has taught me so many things, and will teach me many more to come, and hopefully, along the process, I will become a better person.