More thoughts on home birth

Last night, while we drove home with the boys, Jonathan and I had a good discussion in the car about the possibility of gestational diabetes and home birth vs induction. The short story is that Jonathan supports me in wanting a home birth, and will help me "fight" unnecessary induction. I feel very positive and it means the world to have my husband behind me, knowing that I don't fear that he will buckle at the first scaremongering that might happen, that he will question with me, and that he won't lay on even more pressure than I will get from consultants.

I am so lucky to have him :)

On other notes - I seem to have gone off tea. The thought of tea makes me feel a bit bloated, and while I can still drink it, I happily go without now. Instead, I have been enjoying, much to Jonathan's bewilderment, dissolved oxo cubes ;)

My next midwife appointment is on the 7th November. I will be 14 weeks 6 days then, but the booking midwife told me to book that appointment early to organise GTT at 16 weeks.

Thoughts about the birth - mind over matter? 13 weeks

Well, today marks 13 weeks pregnant, which, by any pregnancy calendar, marks my transition into the second trimester.

I can't remember what I was reading, I think it might have been this birth story on Mama Birth. Anyway, after I finished reading it, I had what I would describe as an epiphany. One of those moments where things become clearer and you just KNOW what to do.

I have wanted - to some degree - a home birth with this baby. Part of me thinking so I could "do it right". My first (home)birth did not go to plan. My second birth went beautifully, but was an induced hospital birth. I was thinking "I'd love to try it again, to give birth and do it right. To get the birth I wanted with my first baby.". There were many "if"s though. My diagnosis last pregnancy of gestational diabetes. If I get diagnosed again, what is going to happen to these plans of a home birth? Will I want to risk a home birth? Will I accept an early induction again? Would I do anything differently? Even though I have lost weight, I do think that I will be diagnosed again. And mentally preparing myself for what I will do given the diagnosis. I am being tested for gestational diabetes in 3 weeks time, when I will be 16 weeks. I will have 12 additional weeks to make sure I am controlling it well after being diagnosed, than I had last time.

Now, I know this woman didn't have gestational diabetes, the one in the birth story, but it did just make me think, that this IS the right thing. That I trust my body to provide a safe environment for my baby, and that I will make damned well sure I do what I can to make that a reality, meaning I will control this diabetes, I will make damn sure I am as low risk as I possibly can be despite diabetes. I will trust my body to nourish my baby the perfect amount, to continue to grow my baby well, and to birth my baby when s/he is ready to be born. That if I go overdue, and they are getting anxious, I will go in for monitoring. I will seek out support with people who have been through the same situation. I will TRUST myself, and my baby. And I will lean on my caregivers for help should I need it. I will not be scaremongered. I will research my options and ask for information. If I ask them to elaborate on a risk they perceive me to be subject to, and they are vague or try and fob me off with a non-answer, I will question, and question again. I will ask what the risks are with what they PROPOSE (they will of course freely provide me with the risks of what they DON'T want me to do). I will trust my body and my baby to work together perfectly when the time comes of the baby's own choosing. I will do it.

11 weeks 6 days - Dating Scan!

Well, as you can see, my dates have been put back a bit ;) I was unofficially due on 27th April 2013, now I'm due 2nd May 2013. Dated at 11 weeks 6 days today. The second she put the scanning device on my belly, she said "One baby, and a heartbeat". We saw the baby, but how she could have seen the heartbeat so quickly is amazing! The scan was quite long, she showed us the arms and legs, and she showed us the heart beating as well. Pretty amazing :) It was so clear, and could see the baby bouncing around like crazy, and waving! It was such a relief to see baby moving around, heart beating and everything!

The sonographer said what a photogenic baby we had ;) She tried to go and find an assistant (or trainee, something like that) to come and see as our baby was so co-operative, but couldn't find her, so we just stayed in the room looking at a picture of our baby up on the screen :)

Here are the pics!







Here's a picture of baby's face!! :) So tiny and perfect!










Hope you like them :) The first one, going by nub, looks pretty girly, but the last two look boyish!! And the others don't really show it well. Guess it's going to be a waiting game til 19th December, when we have our second scan :)

12 weeks

Tomorrow, I will be 12 weeks (ish). Well, it's when I am classing myself as 12 weeks according to my average cycle length. Wow. I just read that back. TWELVE weeks. Right at the end of the first trimester, already! This last week or so has CRAWLED by, it seems like AGES ago I had that small bleed. Like a month or 6 weeks or so. But it was only 2 weeks ago. I am getting my scan, to see my tiniest baby for the first time on Wednesday. I have been counting down the days, and now I'm on to days and hours. So around 1 day and 20 hours time, I will be on my way to the hospital for the scan.

I'm excited, nervous, scared. I've got past the stage where I wonder if there'll even be a baby THERE at all. I think at the third baby you KNOW there'll be a baby there once you've had that double line on the wee stick. Lately though I do not feel pregnant, one iota. I mean, I feel a tiny bit bloated down there, I'm pretty sure I can feel my uterus now, and I've had nothing blood wise apart from that blob a couple of weeks back, but otherwise, just a whole load of CM. Morning sickness has faded. In fact it seemed a lot better all of a sudden after I got a 24 hour sickness bug. I felt ROUGH that day (and delicate the day after), maybe I just am so grateful it was a bug and not a sudden worsening of morning sickness that anything else just doesn't register on the scale anymore ;)

I'm pretty sure this baby is implanted on the left hand side of my uterus. It's where I've been feeling niggles all the way through. I've not felt any on the right so I'm hoping that rules out fraternal twins. Hoping it rules out any sort of twins!! Although if it is, I'll be happy to have healthy babies, even if it would then be probably definitely my last pregnancy!

I think my belly has popped out a bit - although it's ALL my belly, again like the last times. Not just a cute little bump down beneath my belly button. I have taken belly shots at 5 and 10 weeks. Not posted them yet however. Am thinking possibly of taking another one tomorrow, just because it's you know, twelve weeks. Although 15 would show more of a change.

Oh! I almost forgot. Although I've not been *too* excited about this baby as of yet, I did see something in Tesco, a little 101 dalmations onesie. It was too cute and perfectly unisex, so I got it! I am hoping to have lots of skin-to-skin contact when the baby is here though so I'm not sure if he'll actually get to wear it much ;)

Anyway, that's about it. Really not much to report as of late though!!

Is parenting your oldest always tougher?

I seem to be getting more stressed out with the boys lately. There have been hardly any days (if any!!) over the last week where I didn't over-react or lose my temper with the boys (mostly Robert, it has to be said) over something. Mostly "just" shouting. But a couple of incidents I am not proud of (well, I'm not proud of the shouting - so I'd go as far as to say downright ashamed of myself). It's so hard, this parenting thing. They get older, they push harder. I bend, and bend, and then I break. I am learning - gradually - to become less brittle. But I feel like I am not learning fast enough. I am not keeping ahead of Robert, in the slightest, sometimes. And that makes me feel so horrid - for my poor eldest son, who is bearing the brunt of the worst side of my nature. It feels easier with Christopher. I've been there, done that, I know what to expect. But with Robert, every new thing is something new. I have to devise strategies, and ways to deal with things. I do my best on the fly, but these things are still relatively new. And on a generally stressful day, those new things are less easy to deal with, and then we're back in Bad Mummy Land.

Yesterday, I wanted to go to Tesco, as we were running out (or had run out) of a lot of staples. Robert, being the independant lad he is, was getting his coat on by himself, and doing the zip up, when the zip got caught halfway up. His coat's inside seam behind the zipper is very flexible and thin, and gets caught in the zip very easily, and when this happens, tantrums tend to ensue. So, quick thinking Mummy decides to dash over, and help out straight away to avoid the tantrum. OH DEAR. Wrong move. "I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF!!!!" and even sillier Mummy, decides to persue the "No, I'll do it for you". The mother of all tantrums ensues, and I end up grabbing his head between my hands in order to get him to look at me. I shout. In his face. With builders in the next room. I am overcome with shame and just leg it out of the house with the two boys in tow with barely a backward glance towards the house.

Then, in the car, the questions start. Oh boy, I know it's supposed to be great, they're being inquisitive, they're using their brains and thinking things through, all that stuff. But oh my goodness - NOW??!! And it's always the same sort. "Mummy, what are clams for?" "Mummy, what are cars for?" "Mummy, why is that man riding his bike on the road?" "Mummy, why did you stop the car?" "Mummy, why did you make the car go?" And on. And on. And on. For the entire 15 minute journey, non stop. Sometimes repeating a question if he didn't like the answer. While I was trying to AVOID hitting said man on his bike on the road. (Have I mentioned how much I hate overtaking?? Anything?? Anywhere? Except on dual carriageways of course when it's easy) It's a wonder I didn't have any accidents, no doubt my blood pressure was sky high. I somehow managed to get parked in Tesco unscathed, and just sat there for a few minutes after I'd turned off the engine. Then, finally ready to face walking around tesco for an hour, I opened the door. "Mummy, why did you open the door?"

The next hour was spent with me learning how to use a new system Tesco had in place where you scan your own shopping as you go round, while stopping Robert from pulling the trolley into people/shelves, and actually finding what we needed. Christopher was a little star, and was NO effort whatsoever, sat in his seat. When we finally got home, I made them the quickest dinner possible (aka our infamous "bits and pieces" where I pull out random food items and shove them on a plate, including sandwiches, cheese chunks, tomato, cucumber, cocktail sausages, fruit, crackers, boiled egg, meat slices, maybe a small amount of leftover pasta or the like, that sort of thing), put the shopping away, and then collapsed into a heap.

The boys did a good job at stressing me out again today, with my mum here. Nothing new, particularly. Robert throwing sand all over the cement mixer in the garden. Robert tipping his chair back and forward (loosening the screws gradually) while eating his dinner, Christopher putting some food in his mouth, chewing it to tiny pieces and then spitting it out onto his plate. I had such stern words with them both that Mum and Dave made a hasty exit so as to rule out their presence as a factor of the misbehaving.

I don't know if most or all mums have the same huge difficulty with their eldest than subsequent younger children, but if they do, I now have some sympathy for my brother (and gladness that I am not the oldest), after all the years that I hated the fact that he was older, and got all the privileges, and the later bedtimes and all that stuff. And maybe, my brother, as a father of two, is also realising why, as he put it, I "got it easier". Certainly food for thought.

Small bleed, 10 weeks

Yesterday afternoon I went to the toilet, and wiped away a fairly large amount of CM. In that CM was a glob of dark red. This is the first time I've had this sort of bleed at anything greater than 8 weeks. I knicker watched for the rest of the day, and this morning too, and about 20 minutes after the bleed I phoned the foetal health unit for advice and they didn't seem too concerned. They said if it became persistent, I should go to A&E, or I could go anyway if I was really worried. They said it might just be a bleed from the cervix. Thinking about that, as it was in CM, maybe that was the source of the bleed. I've had no more red stuff since, so keeping fingers crossed that it's a one off...