Comparisons

I remember, when Robert was tiny, probably around the age Christopher is now, maybe even older, getting frustrated with him. He would be laying screaming on my lap, and I remember saying to him, while unclipping my bra "it's coming! Don't you know that when Mummy undoes her bra it means you're going to get fed soon??!!"

I've not had this with Christopher. It does make me wonder... was Robert a more needy baby? Or did I just miss his cues, or did I put off feeding him until he was screaming, because in the evening he latched lazily? I remember also thinking, how occasionally it was easier to get him latched on when he was screaming, because he then had a nice wide open mouth. Was Robert a more difficult baby? Or was I just less experienced? Or was my post-natal depression making him more needy, as I was less in tuned with him, and he was picking up on my frustrations/disinterest?

Christopher is such a settled baby. He is so smiley, and has even perfected smiling while ON the boob as well! Everything just seems so different this time round. Christopher is happy, and I am happy. I've had a few frustrated moments, which were always sleep-related. I think back to what I did with Robert in my frustration, and it seems so far away from where I am now. I could not even *imagine* being so frustrated with Christopher that I drop him onto the bed. I feel so incredibly guilty when I think about how I was with Robert when he was a tiny baby. Especially when I think about how close we came to losing him.

Now, I strive to be a loving parent to both my sons, but paying special care to do so with Robert, almost as if I am trying to make it up to him. To be the mother I should have been in his first few months. I do still make mistakes, and yell when I shouldn't. But these times are quite few and far between. If there is anything that returns me to base, to make me look at Robert in a fresh way when he has been difficult, it's saying yes when he asks for "Gah-gee eeeze" I look down at him, and he is (sometimes!) still, and calm. His head resting on my lap, his legs curled up towards his body laying on the sofa. He is getting to be such a big boy now, in terms of size, but inside he is still a little boy, and needs comfort and reassurance sometimes. I had to wake him up from his nap a couple of weeks ago. He was still desperately tired, but we had an appointment we needed to make. I woke him half an hour before this appointment, and he was hysterical. My in-laws were around, and nothing would comfort him, and then he came up to me, and between sobs, asked for milk. I knew my in-laws would find watching him nurse uncomfortable, but right then and there, my son's needs were infinitely more important. My in-laws would understand, but if I refused Robert, he would not. He was still nursing 10 minutes before the appointment, and it would take 5 minutes to get down there, and then also he needed to get ready. I told Robert, as he was still nursing, that soon, Mummy and Grandad were going to go out in the snow, and would Robert like to come out in the snow too? Robert looked up at me, already a lot calmer, and said "yeah" So I said to him that when he was ready to finish nursing, he could go and get his shoes so we could go out in the snow, and immediately he got down and went and got his shoes. I knew that if I had "told" him that he "needed" to get down right away and get his shoes, we would have had more hysterics. We ended up being 5 minutes late for the appointment in the end, but it would have been even later had I handled it all differently.

I have learnt a lot in just 2 years of motherhood. I am more patient, and I have learnt that sometimes, the quickest way to get something done is to go about it the slower way. That sometimes, you need to prioritise one thing over another, and that your child is always number 1. I thought that I would remain too selfish to become a good mother. But very quickly, all you care about, no matter how selfish you once were, is the health and happiness of your child. Even if it means you go without. You do it in a heartbeat.

I have a lot of guilt in my heart about Robert's early months (and indeed just a few days ago, when early weaning came to the forefront of my mind, what with friends and their babies, etc, I looked back and discovered to my horror that I gave Robert banana at not 16/17 weeks like I thought, and was already horrified at *that* thought, but 13 weeks! Again, something I have learnt, that as the parent, YOU know best, and not to bow to pressure to start feeding your child things you don't want them to have. Christopher will not have any other food apart from my milk until 6 months of age). But the only way is forward, and I can't undo the past but I can do things better for my children in the future. I am so much more confident in my abilities as a mother, and it is all so much more like second nature this time around.