I'm an emotional yoyo

One day I'm up, the next day I'm down. I'm feeling ok today, which is a blessing, as I appear to have two poorly boys.  Robert seems to be the worse affected, somewhat quiet although was happy to play a chasing game earlier, after which he promptly threw up.  I didn't realise he was feeling so bad, he came up to me moaning a bit, I picked him up, and he threw up all over my jumper. I put him down, and he put his hands over his mouth, but unfortunately it was the kind that you can't hold back if you want it to, and it ended up all over the floor, his clothes, AND his face and hair (due to his hands being over his mouth).  Lovely.  Then he went across the room and was sick again, in the time it took me to run and empty a bucket of recycling bits all over the floor and come back, in time to catch a bit of it.  He's not eaten anything all day, but had a few drinks and has also asked for some "gah-gee" and as he is feeling poorly we went upstairs (this was after the bath, and clean up session downstairs) and all lay down to nurse.  Christopher fell asleep and he's currently napping.  Christopher has been affected by diarrhoea, he had a tiny bit of sick yesterday but honestly so little I thought nothing of it really.

Anyway, two poorly boys, and this weekend Jonathan is helping move office.  Was going to have my mum over to help keep me company (as the way the week has gone - feeling up and down all the time) the thought of having no weekend effectively was just overwhelming.. effectively a 12 day week for me and the two boys.  But as Christopher has diarrhoea, and Robert being explosively sick earlier, I don't think it's fair to let her get in contact with it.

I am also still flitting back and forth on the whole baby thing.  I'm now again in an "excited for the possibility" mode, due, I suppose, to having an ok day.  But I do worry how I'll feel again when I'm feeling down again.  I've not made a doctor's appointment yet.  I really should do that, because maybe it is hormones?  Or maybe I'm becoming depressed?  Either way, the downs are too far down for my liking.  To the point where I feel like I am completely irrational, I have no patience, and I just feel like I'm tumbling into a deep pit of despair, and that my kids will get taken away from me, and that maybe that's not such a bad idea (!!) because I'm an incompetent mum, and a horrid excuse for a human being.  And what with having had depression twice in the past, once in my teens, and then following Robert's birth, I may just be one of those "prone to it" people where it keeps cropping up.

Today, I feel fine about my competancy as a mother, and don't think of myself as a horrid person.  Yet I have a feeling that a few days down the line I will be feeling that way again. Urgh. Anyway... phoning up for an appointment for the doc now.  Thanks for reading xx