Soo... we have been potty training for what feels like YEARS. It's been more like a few months, but I thought last week that we would just go for it. Robert has all the physical signs of being ready. He can undress himself, he shows awareness that he's been (well, at least for poos! In fact he is (or was, I should say - sigh) number two toilet trained. But he just has no problem weeing in his nappy all the time. We had two days where he had NO accidents at all, but he "went" less than usual over those days, something I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not. Then yesterday he had a good morning, no accidents, but then had a massive accident while I was out shopping. And he seems to have acquired a toilet aversion and now will not go and will prefer sitting in time out (yes I know I know, punishment for refusal to go probably wasn't the best idea) to actually going and sitting on the toilet, and he had an accident while sitting there.
I was in tears over it, because I thought maybe finally he was actually "getting it" but now we've seemed to have gone back a step.
I just feel that I am on a clock to get him toilet trained, that if he is still in nappies when he starts nursery aged nearly 4, I will be branded "lazy" for not having toilet trained him. That I will be accused of wanting the staff to do it for me. Having worked in a nursery myself, I know that the staff aren't being paid to toilet train children, that they are being paid to teach social skills and prepare them for school, and to supervise them. I want him to be in pants, and it is just SO demoralising putting him in pants, putting him back in nappies, putting him back in pants, putting him back in nappies.
Plus I feel that when my in-laws look after Robert on the one morning a week, they've seen him in and out of nappies so many times, and I just feel like they will be judging me for not "sticking with it" yet again. I think it's hit me hardest this time round because on previous occasions, my heart has not been in it, I have been too impatient with accidents, not rewarding enough for attempts, and it's been due to huge stress on my part that he's gone back in nappies. This time it feels like I have tried harder, that I have been more patient, and it's still gone tits up, and I just feel like a complete and utter failure.
He was in pants Friday, Saturday, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. Sunday he wasn't feeling well so I gave him a day off. And today he is back in nappies again. I hate hate hate that I have had to make this decision, people on facebook keep reassuring me it's for the best, but I feel like such an utter failure, that people will judge me for not "sticking with it" and just soldiering through and just GETTING IT DONE.
Yesterday I just sat down on the floor and started crying, and Robert bless him didn't know what was wrong. He asked why I had gone upstairs, and I told him it was because I was getting sad and cross and I didn't want to hurt him so I went away from him for a while. Because, urgh, yes, I still lose my temper with him far too many times to even bear writing about and the fact that I was able to go upstairs yesterday when it was all getting a bit much was a BIG DEAL. He was so sweet, and sat down on my lap, and said very sweetly "You can play with me if you like? Here, have this car"
I just don't know what to do about it. I feel so de-moralised, I just want to forget about it. But I can't because if I do I just know he'll be in reception before he's toilet trained.
Otto's preschool has not turned a hair at him being in nappies - in fact, it was them who told me not to worry as school is the only deadline, really. And September is a long time away, if you're waiting til then to send Robert to nursery. He'll almost certainly be a lot readier by the summer if he hasn't done it himself by then.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard, but really try not to worry about what others think and keep your mind to what you think is important.
Yes, I agree with Meg. Pleeeeeeeeease don't let what other people might think cause you to stress about this. It's between you and Robert, and he will get it eventually. Possibly after he goes to nursery, because seeing the other kids doing it will spur him on, but maybe before. Just take it one step at a time and relax. But also know that I am right there with you in the frustration zone! And I'm talking to both of us here! :)
ReplyDeleteTo comfort you: Alex went in and out of diapers several times before she "got it" and once SHE decided she was ready, she never looked back.
Have you let Robert try standing to do it? Matthew was fighting me when I'd take him to the potty, until Al showed him how to do it standing up, and then he thought it was fun. I've heard it's even more fun if you float a piece of cereal or something in the potty and let them aim for it. We haven't tried that yet.
Also, can Robert take his clothes off by himself? I'm finding that as Matthew becomes more proficient at that, he's more willing to go potty on his own. Independence is a huge motivator.
I am sure there are many more pairs of wet pants (and trousers. and underpants. whatever!) in both of our futures, but just look at it as rite of passage and remind yourself that it'll seem such a tiny thing a year from now. Our boys will learn to use the potty, one way or another!
It is a long old journey and there are setbacks. The slightest thing can cause them too which is uber frustrating! James does well, went 2 week accident free then he goes through "lazy" stages, stages where he is too distracted or times he simply doesn't bother. We were out all day yesterday. Used toilets in town, cafes, my nans all of them doing REALLY well then he's laying on the floor last night and has an accident. Simply because he's tired and didn't want to get up off the floor. Sigh. So you are not alone in this and the days WILL get better even if it seems to be taking a long time. I do think as above that by the time school comes round he will do superb - it has helped James no end. He's fine in public situations but needs to work a bit harder at home (which is normally the opposite for most kids) Once he gets his confidence Robert will come on in leaps and bounds. Have you tried getting him to choose some special pants that he needs to take extra care of? A little responsibility can make them feel very grown up. This also helped with James as we got him Fireman Sam pants and made it very clear that FS didn't want wee wee on him. Little things in little people terms can maje a difference. x
ReplyDeleteJust want to give you a big hug!!! So sorry it's stressing you out this much :( I don't want to advise you really because I might be unhelpful repeating myself (from Facebook) about not worrying about it and he's young yet, etc. I don't want to get annoying! :S
ReplyDeleteYou know that only my 7 and 5 year olds are potty trained (not the 4 year old and definitely not the 2.5 year old!), and the 5 (and a half) year old just came out of night nappies last week (3 nights dry, 3 nights wet, current count). If we weren't homeschooling and he went to school, he would have started at age 4y2m, TOTALLY 100% un-potty trained. I think it would have stressed me out HUGELY to not have him fully trained by starting school, but even so there was no way I could have made him do it for school. He just wasn't ready - I did try pretty hard several times - twice while he was 3, and once just after turning 4, and all occasions he was less ready than Robert seems from your account, and had multiple accidents with wee, and completely held poos until he was in a night nappy. He did sometimes get it. But the accidents got to the point where I was doing my nut and getting angry and stressy with him eventually, so I backed off at that point. I remember feeling kind of bad about it, but did not take on guilt about the outcome because it's just NOT about the parent sticking with it that makes it a success, it's about the CHILD being ready, and you can't make him be ready by sticking with it, I truly believe that!
I got some nasty comments at my blog about it when Matthew was 4.5 - someone or other saying I was a lazy mother and should be ashamed of myself not having him trained by that age, and she felt sorry for him :( BUT, this person was a loony and said a lot of other awful stuff and Neil pointed out that she was wrong about the whole lot, so it was obvious she was wrong about Matthew's potty training being anything to do with laziness on my part! Which I already knew, I guess, because you can't force it!
Anyway, lonnnnng story short - he WILL get there, and I think you are being a very wise and considerate parent by recognising an issue with Robert (his aversion, etc.) AND an issue with yourself, finding it too stressful, and considering the effect that could all have on him if the matter is pressed - and therefore pulling back for a while. I think that shows love for him, and flexibility (essential ingredient of parenting!), and since it was also a really hard deal for you, I for one am really proud of you.
You're a GOOD mummy. Of course you don't want him to be in nappies at Reception. Navigating the path there isn't easy because you've never done it before, and nobody can tell you about Robert's potty training path, you'll only know that in hindsight. He seems to me way more ready and on his way than Matthew was, even a year older than Robert - I know he was "late" potty training, but he still got it all of a sudden in the end, when he was finally ready. I honestly think Robert will suddenly get the picture and it will be a breeze somewhere by/around nursery. Sometimes a break is a really good thing!
(((hugs))) You're doing much better with those boys than you think you are. xxx