Birth trauma and continued bonding.

Robert's 3rd birthday is fast approaching (and I still haven't written about Christopher's 1st birthday yet!). I can't help but wonder sometimes if the trauma of Robert's birth has affected our relationship more profoundly than I could ever have imagined. The numbness I felt towards him in the first few hours and days of his existence out of the womb, followed by the frustrations of early motherhood and dealing with what I believe now to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

While I began feeling better before his first birthday, I still see the remnants of my fear and frustrations in my day to day interactions with him. I feel so guilty even thinking about it, let alone admitting it publicly, but I have got to the stage where I can't deal with these thoughts in my head alone. I need to write them down, to see my thoughts in black and white and hopefully make some sense of them. I don't know if it is because he is of the age where he knows what he wants, but lacks the language and social interaction skills to make these wants known in appropriate ways, and that I am just not very effective yet at mothering this part of childhood, or whether I am still struggling to bond with Robert appropriately. I smack Robert occasionally.. And not particularly gently. It isn't a disciplinary smack so much as a losing control smack. I so so so do not want to be a smacking parent! It fills me with sadness when I see Robert run away in fear when I stand up to go to him when he has done something I do not like, even if I am not advancing in anger. He has borne the brunt of my frustrations all his life. From when he was a baby and I was suffering psychologically from his birth and I would throw him onto the bed in frustration... How can I expect him not to hit people or push them when I do it to him?

I haven't lifted a finger to Christopher though, not once. I do try and reprimand him for things he shouldn't do, yet all the same I do not treat the boys equally, and Robert is beginning to see that I think. I try, really try not to lose my temper with Robert, and I really don't want to make excuses for my behaviour. I want to try and see what I can do, is there anything I can do to break this association of parenting Robert with violence, and become the gentle loving parent I am half to most of the time- all of the time? Because half or most of the time will not cut it, if I parent with violence even some of the time, that is what he will remember, that is what he will take into adulthood and give to his children, my grandchildren.

What is the first step? How do I begin to change something when I do not even know why I do it?