Robert's 3rd birthday is fast approaching (and I still haven't written about Christopher's 1st birthday yet!). I can't help but wonder sometimes if the trauma of Robert's birth has affected our relationship more profoundly than I could ever have imagined. The numbness I felt towards him in the first few hours and days of his existence out of the womb, followed by the frustrations of early motherhood and dealing with what I believe now to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
While I began feeling better before his first birthday, I still see the remnants of my fear and frustrations in my day to day interactions with him. I feel so guilty even thinking about it, let alone admitting it publicly, but I have got to the stage where I can't deal with these thoughts in my head alone. I need to write them down, to see my thoughts in black and white and hopefully make some sense of them. I don't know if it is because he is of the age where he knows what he wants, but lacks the language and social interaction skills to make these wants known in appropriate ways, and that I am just not very effective yet at mothering this part of childhood, or whether I am still struggling to bond with Robert appropriately. I smack Robert occasionally.. And not particularly gently. It isn't a disciplinary smack so much as a losing control smack. I so so so do not want to be a smacking parent! It fills me with sadness when I see Robert run away in fear when I stand up to go to him when he has done something I do not like, even if I am not advancing in anger. He has borne the brunt of my frustrations all his life. From when he was a baby and I was suffering psychologically from his birth and I would throw him onto the bed in frustration... How can I expect him not to hit people or push them when I do it to him?
I haven't lifted a finger to Christopher though, not once. I do try and reprimand him for things he shouldn't do, yet all the same I do not treat the boys equally, and Robert is beginning to see that I think. I try, really try not to lose my temper with Robert, and I really don't want to make excuses for my behaviour. I want to try and see what I can do, is there anything I can do to break this association of parenting Robert with violence, and become the gentle loving parent I am half to most of the time- all of the time? Because half or most of the time will not cut it, if I parent with violence even some of the time, that is what he will remember, that is what he will take into adulthood and give to his children, my grandchildren.
What is the first step? How do I begin to change something when I do not even know why I do it?
Big hugs honey.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what to advise. I seem to remember Alice at one point had a list pinned up on her fridge of things to do before raising a hand in anger? I found this one here, but not sure if it's the same.....
http://parenting.families.com/blog/alternatives-to-smacking#
It's tough with two littlies. I used to have a load of broken mugs down the end of the garden and when I was feeling really pent up I would run down and throw one ;-). That way I got the anger out without the children seeing or being hurt or shouted at. It does get easier I promise, I'm now able to talk with them about things so there is less frustration. I was never smacked as a child myself though so it was never even something I would think to do. Were you smacked as a child? Maybe that still hasn't been dealt with in yourself and that's why it just comes out?
I feel for you sweetheart, but the fact you're aware this is wrong and want to stop shows you have your child's best interests at heart xxxx
Thank you Jemma, it means a lot that you reply. I was smacked as a child, so you may be right. And if that's the case, it's a very scary thought that the hitting can perpetuate from parent to child, to their children, and theirs, until one somehow manages to break the chain. I wish it could be me, but it just seems to be an inbuilt thing that just comes out. :( I'll look up that list when I am at a computer, I can't click through on my phone.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jemma, the fact that you realize something is wrong and want to change things speaks volumes. Perhaps you could go to counselling and learn some different strategies to use? Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteUk, I so know what you mean Nicola. I can usually restrain myself a bit but I do lash out. It's so hard to find a space to think before your arm reacts IME. Otto is an easy child but I still feel the anger rising and find it hard to know how to cope though I'm beginning to work on letting it go. I find these things are hard to get support with too as I personally wonder if saying "I'm worried I'll hurt my children" to the HV might lead to something I do not want!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback Lindsey and Meg. Meg, I feel that too, that it's one of those things you're afraid that if you admit it to official channels, what might happen. It's exactly the thoughts I had when he was a baby too, when I would act in frustration then.
ReplyDeleteHaving thought about it a bit today, I wonder if giving myself a time out (or a "time in"?!), telling Robert what I am doing and why, might help diffuse my anger and also start to give him tools, and the language, to deal with his emotions too when they get overwhelming.
I can relate with what you have written, although with me I feel the frustration with my middle child, Sophie. I hate that I react differently to Sophie than to I ever did to Emily. I am not sure whether its because I am tired from being up at night with Eli and have less patience or what, but I am so quick to anger with her. I have found that going into my bedroom and screaming into a pillow helps release that build up of frustration and anger. So instead of screaming inside me head and reacting rashly, I actually let the scream out and am able to deal with Sophie so much more calmly. The fact that you recognise what is wrong is going to help you so much in finding a solution. :)
ReplyDeleteIt may not "just" be Post Trauma, I tend to find I am tougher on Matthew than the others. I guess it's a part of being the oldest. We feel we have to show them who is in control to show a good example to the younger brother/s. I think you are a wonderful mother and I am very sorry that you feel this way after so long. I still have a lot of guilt about the way I bonded with Liam in the early days and I think thats made me more protective of him now.
ReplyDeleteTough situations make us behave in ways we wouldnt always want to behave but dont let that be reason to beat yourself up over it.
It takes time and practice at being a parent. I did things with Matthew I didn't do with the other two and you will find the same with Robert and Christopher. No two children are the same and you will find you won't treat them the same. As much as you tell yourself they are all equal, you can't treat everyone the same.
The only thing I can suggest with the smacking is to find another way of punishment. I find time out and just putting the offender in their room for just 10 minutes can really lower the stress. It can be the best solution for all. You get to have a break and calm down and if they scream and shout on time out, then you don't respond. They will EVENTUALLY get tired of the hissy fit.
Or to take away a favourite toy to make them realise actions have consequences can do much more than a smack but different kids react differently.
You are a good loving Mother Nicola and we aren't all perfect, God knows I've done things I shouldn't have with my boys but it's how we learn to become better mothers and over time it gets easier to assess situations. This is nothing you should feel bad about but talking about it can be such a good start in the road to working things out.
((((((((HUGS))))))))))