I don't know why, but I got thinking about my could-have-been baby, who would have been due around Christmas had I not lost him/her. I can't believe how much it has affected me - even only knowing for 1 day before my period came. I am thankful that the baby was taken as early as they were, as a baby who was not meant to be, and not several weeks/months after getting used to a pending new arrival. I feel sadness, but it doesn't consume me. I can only imagine the longer they have been part of your life, the more it consumes when you lose them.
I do hope that some day I will have another baby to grow within me, to nurture and love. Right now though it's not on the cards. Although having said that we have had "accidents", and who knows. I am tired of the "I wonder"s and the "what if"s and the waiting and underwear watching, especially as we are not trying to conceive right now. My heart yearns each month, and I wonder, and wait, and watch, and then along comes Aunt Flo, signalling, perhaps a good thing, I don't know, that I am not pregnant, that the wondering, the waiting and the watching will commense again soon. Even if I don't WANT to, because it's driving me crazy, making me sad, and in a small way, relieved, but mostly that relief is because I know I am the only one who wants this baby right now.
It is my birthday soon. And I have no idea what I want. Well, I do, but I probably won't get it, and even if I do.... it won't be the best present for everyone.
Sending hugs!!
ReplyDelete