Another update from me!

Robert is now 28 and a half months old, and over the last few weeks we are seeing some signs of readiness for potty training with him. We are not starting officially yet, but it bodes well that we can do lots of practice over summer when it's nice and hot and he can run around inside or outside without a nappy on. He is able to wee on demand now, providing he needs to go! And he can stop his wee midflow as well (he started to wee on the floor before his bath, we said "hang on Robert, we'll get your potty" and he stopped, and did the rest on the potty). He occasionally dislikes doing poos in his nappy, but usually only when they are hard, so it's probably more the pooing than it being in his nappy or not. He is occasionally telling us when he has done a poo, and asking for a nappy change, but others he won't say to us if he has, and he will deny it if we ask! So a while to go yet.

He is becoming very quickly a child, rather than a toddler. He is so tall and stocky that he looks a lot older than he is. His talking would give away to strangers that he is not as old as he looks, as although he is becoming more talkative, stringing together 6 words or more to form sentences, he still misses off sounds at the beginning of words. One such 6 word sentence we had this morning was this one: "Obberd ime up on Daddy uh-vers!" which translates to "Robert climb up on Daddy's covers!" He is still fairly deliberate in his talking, in that there is a noticeable small pause between words most of the time.

His memory astounds me. He looked at a DVD case for Monsters vs Aliens earlier today, which we haven't seen in a few months. I pointed to one of the characters and asked him what the name was (which I had trouble remembering) and he got it right! Such a clever boy!

Christopher is getting more and more mobile as well. He can sit unaided now for a long time, but does still occasionally wobble and fall over, if this happens to be backwards, the shock of hitting his head on the carpet makes him cry, although with a bit of delayed reaction! He rolls well both ways now, and spins on the spot. He also tries to get onto his knees by pushing with his hands, he goes a little way onto his knees but mostly just slides backwards! So he is covering distance now, albeit not much! I'm pleased that at the moment things on shelves are fairly safe ;) Another reason why I like my babies to not have baby walkers ;)

The weekend of the 9th and 10th of April, we had a photoshoot. My mum was eager to get a group photograph of her and her partner, me, my brother and our families. I've seen the proofs on the website, and I'm fairly pleasantly surprised that there were quite a few nice photos. My mum had told us that we were to tell her which was our favourite and she would buy us a print for our anniversaries. This is the nicest one of the lot I think.



After a while, Robert got increasingly aggitated and wanted to get down and play, not sit on someone's lap doing nothing (which was very understandable!) Quite a long time was spent with teddies behind the photographer, which must have resulted in a few nice ones, but we did get ones where Robert was struggling to get away, and something that did rile me was the photographer at one point instructing my mum to "just grab him" which led me to believe he really isn't all that experienced with Robert's age group. After a while the older boys just got so aggitated (and I was getting quite upset for Robert) that eventually the photographer admitted defeat and let the boys have a break, so I left Christopher with Mum and Dave, and the rest of us went outside. The photographer got some nice photos of Mum with Christopher, and then just Christopher, and we reconvened to try again, and a similar tale ensued, with some nice photos before again we decided to call it a day. But either way, we got some good photos as a final result, so that's what matters I guess :)

At the belated mothers day lunch, the boys got on really well, and had a nice time playing together (mainly underneath the table, squealing away in excitement to each other lol!)

On other news, I've sent back my driving licence. It arrived fairly promptly, but they made a mistake and put me down as Miss instead of Mrs, despite the fact I sent them my birth and marriage certificate as proofs of identity.. sigh! I've not got it back yet, it's been about 12 days since I posted it, and they say it can take up to 21 days. When I do get it back, I will be doing the scary but exciting task of ringing around for driving lessons! And maybe in a few months time we will be car shopping. Would be good if we could find a car that would be able to fit 3 child seats in the back, you know, so we don't have to upgrade when/if number 3 is on its way ;)

Talking of which, I think I am going crazy ;) I was reading on a forum about someone's morning sickness, and I got an overwhelming wistful "I wish I was pregnant" feeling! I don't want morning sickness even if I am pregnant, I guess I was just thinking about the whole thing. It is just so exciting and wonderful, I hope Jonathan won't protest too much when the time comes, I think it's a good sign that last time I mentioned the future with more than 2 children in it, he didn't interject straight away with "no way" or similar, but maybe he was thinking it, who knows lol.

It's been a while!

Christopher is now 6 months old. Time really has flown since he was born, I remember the first 6 months with Robert feeling like an eternity even though it went quickly, if that makes sense. It definitely feels like Christopher has slotted into our lives so seamlessly, that maybe that's why it has gone so quickly, it feels like he was never not here. I remember my sister-in-law telling me when Robert was very little that it wouldn't be long before I forgot what life was like without him with us. I kept feeling bad because I could, and kept thinking for a long time that I wished parts of it were back. It took a long time before it really did feel like he'd been here forever, that life with Robert was how it was "meant" to be. But with Christopher, it already feels like he's been here forever. I just can't imagine life without him, without both of them of course, but I am still so smitten with Christopher.



I think he is just so easy going, so bright and interested in things, eager for new experiences, and so connected with his world that he has grown to know so keenly already. He is happy to roll around on the floor for a while, watching his brother or playing with his toys, while I get a few necessities done, and when I come back, pick him up and talk to him, I always get rewarded with the biggest smiles. He seems quite serious in that while he smiles a lot, he doesn't laugh a lot, and often it's things we don't expect that make him laugh. He started laughing at Robert last week, as he was playing with a toy, banging it on the floor. The noise it made must have been very funny because he was in fits of laughter! And today, when Robert set his cars down what he calls his "car ladder", Christopher found it hilarious when they reached the bottom and the car rolled down and hit his foot. :)



We have started giving him practically anything foodwise, apart from the obvious no-nos for under 1s, mainly whatever we're having if it's lunch or a snack, or dinner. He's had spaghetti bolognese, pasta, jacket potato with cheese and beans, sandwiches, various fruits and veggies, slices of cold chicken, cheese sticks. Already he seems to have mastered avoiding his gag reflex. He hits it occasionally, but deals with it quickly. He's getting the hang of picking up food so quickly it's astonishing. He can already get at the food clutched in his fist! And he seems to make remarkably little mess compared to Robert. I am much less "anal" about the mess this time round though! Seeing as I am used to lots of washing, I think "meh" about a bit of food stain on clothes, it just goes straight in the washing machine for the next time it goes on. A sheet under the highchair and a big bib help in the process. But I am appreciating just how much easier it is to stick to milk feeds. Especially with a toddler to get ready as well!

He is getting on quite well physically. He can sit unaided for a few seconds, but mainly needs support. And he also rolls around a lot now, and pushes up on his arms which he's quite pleased about ;) He still seems so LITTLE to me. He is weighing less than Robert did, I believe he's around the 9th centile now, and was under 15lb still when I had him weighed last, but with his temperament and his nappies and his development I think that it is nothing to worry about. But it seems crazy how such a little person can be almost sitting and is reaching towards independance already!

Robert by comparison does seem huge, and week by week his articulacy grows. His sentences are quickly becoming more and more complex "Daddy innid eedin his dinner!" (Daddy finished eating his dinner!) being one of them. He is also asking questions now, which is so cute and sometimes so funny! At dinner tonight, Jonathan was taking photos of Christopher eating his pasta, and trying to make him look to the camera. Christopher however was set on staring at Robert. Jonathan took to making various strange and funny noises in an attempt to win Christopher's attention, and after about 10 seconds of this, Robert looked at Jonathan with a look of complete amusement on his face, and said in a tone of voice to match "What's Daddy doing?" while I was cracking up in laughter at the two of them. :)

He also asks "What's this?" which I heard him ask for the first time when we had a BBQ last Friday, he was holding up a piece of spring onion.

He will hold conversations between himself and his toys, which I think is absolutely adorable, and can't wait til Christopher is joining in!

It was lovely, yesterday Robert came and joined Christopher and I on the sofa, so I sat Christopher on Robert's lap, and Robert put his hand on Christopher's back, and peered into his face intently, and said "Ello, Ooover!" with a big smile on his face.

Christopher loves Robert, he often just watches him play with a big grin on his face, and particularly loves it when Robert pays him attention and talks to him.

One thing I am finding tough with Robert at the moment is the frequency that he wants to nurse. It seems to be more than Christopher most days, and I feel torn in what I want to do about it. All I know right now is that it can't be good to carry on doing exactly what I'm doing when I give an inward groan whenever I see Robert come over and start to clamber up on the sofa because I know, 95% of the time when he does that the next words out of his mouth will be "Gah-gee eeease Mammy". I have tried days where I say yes every time he asks, and he asks a LOT. I have tried days of trying to delay/distract sometimes, saying yes other times. I have tried "only til Mummy counts to 10".

But I think the main thing is that I don't KNOW what I want right now. I don't know if I want him to cut down nursing to just a few times a day (like morning, and maybe twice during the day), or whether I want to start completely weaning him. I don't know whether I am reluctant to do anything because I don't know what the cause of this increased nursing is. Am I failing to fulfill a need of his that he needs to replace with his Gah-gee? I'm just not sure what to do, but I don't think trying lots of different things is making anything easier. There's one thing I've not tried yet which I might start doing tomorrow, and that is say "we can have gah-gee, but only upstairs on Mummy's bed" and maybe he'll be less willing to keep going up and downstairs all the time to nurse. The only problem will be if Christopher is asleep, as he sleeps in our room, and Robert can sometimes be as quiet as a fairy elephant!

Before I sign off again, for my records and general musing, is that I had some cervical fluid earlier in the evening when I went to the toilet. I've had some before as well, but then while I was getting Christopher ready for bed I felt twangs low down in my belly, which makes me think ovulation pain?! I'm pretty sure I conceived Christopher in the first possible cycle after Robert's birth, even though I'd had 3 periods previous to his conception, and Robert was 13 months when Christopher was conceived. I wonder if in a couple of weeks I will see a somewhat earlier Aunt Flo visit? Either way, I'd better be careful if Jonathan and I get the urge soon!

Separation Anxiety

Have I mentioned how fantastic my in-laws are? They are brilliant, they respect us as parents, they do as we ask with things relating to our children, and every Tuesday morning they look after Robert (which gives me time for Christopher, and a bit of me time during his naps), and then in the afternoon, they bring Robert back, and my mother-in-law looks after the boys while I go and do the weekly shop with my father-in-law.

Robert tends to go to sleep for his nap shortly after they get here in the afternoon, and Christopher may or may not be having his.

The last two weeks though when Christopher has been awake on my leaving to go shopping, I have come back to find that he has been screaming solidly since about 20 minutes after my departure. :( Words cannot describe how awful this makes me feel, nothing my mother-in-law did helped console him, he realised I wasn't there, and it was only seeing me that made him happy again.

Next week, if he is awake (and not due a nap) when I go to do the weekly shop, Christopher will come with us. I cannot bear to have my sweet baby boy go through such torture, thinking his Mummy has abandoned him :( My poor little guy. :( Yesterday, I gave him a cuddle for 5 minutes, then went to put away the cold shopping, and he started screaming again. Now I know some babies do this a lot, but Christopher NEVER screams, not like that. He cries sometimes, yes. He grumbles a fair amount when he is sleepy, and he cries when he wakes in the night with a rumbling tummy. But that is the ONLY time I've heard him scream.

I am not going to put him through that again for the sake of "getting him used to it". He is not even six months old for goodness sake! Yes, at some point, he IS going to have to get used to being apart from me, but not yet. Poor little love.

I still can't believe how much love the human heart is capable of storing. I remember Alice saying once how instead of your love being shared amongst your children, with each child your heart grows an extra chamber, an extra pocket of love. It's true. I love Christopher more and more with each passing day, and the same for Robert. The capabilities of a mother absolutely blow my mind, this is definitely Mother Nature at her finest.

Finding things tough. :(

I had a hard day on Friday. Being nonchalant about a friendship that was very important to me has proven very difficult, especially when that person is now acting like I'm the devil, and telling anyone who will listen.

I asked Jonathan what he'd think about moving house, I felt that upset about it all. I do want to move at one point anyway, but that was definitely a bit rash.

We have reached a compromise, in that we will focus on some home improvements, and also I will get my provisional licence and start learning to drive. We'll get a second car, and pave over our lawn to have somewhere to park it, and convert the garage too so we have a proper dining room.

Let's hope this is onwards and upwards.

Tantrums!

Boy oh boy, so HERE are the "terrible twos". Robert has started tantrumming like crazy, at 27 months. I guess we did quite well to get this far with only a few minor incidents, but lately we are getting full on, screaming the place down tantrums. As his sole carer, boy am I feeling the brunt of it! You sure do notice it when your once laid back toddler suddenly finds himself. My days are now about 5 times as hard, and by the time the boys are in bed, I feel EXHAUSTED, both mentally and physically.

I must admit, part of me is thinking "What did I let myself in for?!?!" knowing that Christopher will one day be this tantrumming toddler! With Robert's sudden assertiveness has come another leap in his language. He says more and more complex sentences every day, and absorbs new phrases and sentences like a sponge!

His latest phrase, which is already becoming a bit wearing, is "Stop bugging me, Mummy!" Goodness knows where he picked that up from, the only place I can think of is this pyjama set we bought him..



I guess we must have read it out loud at one point and he picked up on it, but how he managed to get it in context I don't know, but now, whenever I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, that's what I hear. Whenever I go to do something he doesn't want me to do (whether it's regarding him or not) that's what I hear. Do I just ignore it? Like you'd do for swear words?

He's had a proper time out once now, for 2 minutes. But I find it difficult to assess what would constitute a good reason for putting him in time out, if you know what I mean? I'm desperately trying to find time to read through "Children are from Heaven" again. And will try and read out relevant sections to Jonathan so he's got an idea on the book, as he won't read books I want him to.

I'm feeling ok though generally. It's more difficult, yes, but today was easier. The boys and I went for a buggy walk with SureStart, Robert in the buggy, and Christopher in my Ellaroo. It was only me as a parent on the walk, so when Robert wanted to walk, he held Angela's hand while I pushed the empty buggy, and occasionally he would get back in for a rest and I'd push.

This afternoon we played in the garden for a while. It was incredibly windy so we didn't stay outside for too long. I consented whenever Robert asked to nurse, and each time I reflected on his stillness and the silence! And of course, it's very difficult to be annoyed with a nursling, especially if they are still, and look up into your eyes :)

On other news, we have begun to slowly introduce solid foods to Christopher. He doesn't turn 6 months until the 25th, but he is sitting with support, and will grab food and take it to his mouth. And Robert was a few days younger too :)

We are doing baby-led weaning again. Christopher has tried pear, banana, cauliflower and broccoli. I am not going to introduce anything other than fruit or vegetables until he is 6 months old. He really enjoyed the cauliflower today. He enjoyed the pear he had the other day. He's not ingested a lot yet. Although I'm not entirely sure how much of the cauliflower he ate, as it was a fairly large piece and by the end it was of course all shredded to bits! Whenever I held up some food for him to take from my hands, his eyes would goggle and he would grab out urgently with both hands for what I was holding :) So eager, bless him. But it is all a little bitter sweet, I know he is ready for it, yet he's my little baby. It's not met with as much enthusiasm (on my part) as I thought it would!

I've found bits of evidence that he has eaten some of the pear, and the banana. I guess tomorrow I will find out just how much cauliflower he ate today ;)

I feel sad

Most days, I fail at my mission to be a calm Mummy. Most days, I shout at Robert at least once. I know that no-one is the perfect parent, but some days I feel so inadequate. And then I tell Robert not to shout, yet I shout. Sometimes I ask calmly, then ask calmly again, then again, and again, and again. Then I start to get frustrated, and my voice rises. Then some more. Then realising even the rising voice isn't getting the correct response, it turns into a sudden yell, a leap in loudness which provokes a loud cry from Robert. Yet the cry is shortlived, it's almost as though he's come to learn that's what his Mama does. :(

I don't want to continue this path, I want to be the peaceful yet authoritative parent that I have read it is possible to be. The kind and understanding parent. The one who sees not the behaviour, but the needs of my child, and how those are affecting what he does. I want to be the parent that my child is not afraid to confide in as he gets older and starts to reach into adulthood. And to be that parent, I have to show him that he has nothing to fear from me, that making mistakes will not make me angry. That I understand that making mistakes is human, that everyone makes them, even his Mama.

When my mother came over to help out a couple of weeks after Christopher's birth, I mentioned to her, in jest, how I was "scarred for life" regarding an incident where she lost her temper with me. I do remember cowering in the corner of my room while she advanced on me and hit me. It was an isolated incident, but I remember it. Yes I have forgiven her, I know I must have been quite testing at that time to make her do that, but my mum burst into tears, and I realised that although I said it in jest, it was clearly an incident she remembers well too, and regrets deeply. I hugged her and assured her I was joking when I said I was "scarred" although obviously I do remember it. That I had forgiven her or else she would not have been with me at that moment, let alone at Christopher's birth.

But anyway, I don't want to feel that regret knowing I did something that will never leave my child's memory, even if it is a "one off". There are many things I regret already, things that luckily won't be left imprinted on anyone else's memory but mine, but I have to act. Learn patience, again and again. Take 10 seconds, a minute. Calm down and collect. Take some time to think, what would be best here? Not act rashly with emotion.

Being a parent has taught me so many things, and will teach me many more to come, and hopefully, along the process, I will become a better person.

Difference of opinion.

I am well aware that with regards to feeding a baby, no matter infancy, or the introduction of solids, or what, but there will ALWAYS be a difference of opinion amongst even the best of friends, the closest of family.

What I was not prepared for though was the attack I was on the receiving end of yesterday.

I went to the park with the boys to meet my friend, S, who lives down the road. We had a nice chat, I played with the older boys on the swings while she fed her daughter. Then came the weaning discussion. It started off gently, then progressed to slightly heated with both of us standing our ground as to what we believed in, then suddenly, BAM.

"I think that people who don't start to wean their babies by 4 months are cruel, and starving them."

*blink*

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My good friend, who KNOWS we are waiting until 6 months to wean Christopher, coming out with that while staring stonily into my eyes.

What she was referring to, was of course the article in the British Medical Journal regarding breastfed babies, and their lack of belief that 6 months exclusive breastfeeding was best for the baby, that the delay could bring about allergies and a lack of iron. Well I'm not going to turn this into a debate, but as far as I'm concerned, the response by The Analytical Armadillo says it all.

Anyway, I replied "You think I am cruel and starving Christopher?"

"Oh, no." she replied. "I don't know Christopher."

But it was what she meant. I went and got Robert, too angry to be able to rationalise with him why we had to go home, thus I had a screaming toddler who didn't understand why he had to leave the park so suddenly without warning :( As I left the park, she called after me "I've been wanting to tell you that for ages, but you wouldn't listen".

So THAT'S why she only has wanted to meet at the park lately. Because she was planning on dropping that nice little nugget into conversation and guessed how I would take it. Well, it appears my friend wasn't a friend at all. When she started weaning at 3 months, did I say anything? No. Did I start berating her choice and state my opinions on weaning early? No. Why? Because I valued our friendship. I knew she wouldn't understand, I knew she wouldn't do anything differently, so I let it slip by, after all, each baby is different right?

I was physically shaking as I was walking home and even for a while afterwards from the anger that my friend had said that to me. That she had stomped all over our friendship like that. Cruel. Starving. FUCKING CRUEL. What person calls their friend CRUEL? My baby is happy, healthy, growing well, meeting developmental milestones, yet is, apparently, starving. My baby who rarely cries, who laughs and smiles all the time, shows curiosity and amazement at his world, is the victim of CRUELTY at the hands of his mother, who has refused to shove bland blended vegetable mush into his mouth, but instead has chosen to wait til he can put the food into his mouth himself. Call the social services!!!! This baby is CLEARLY malnourished!!!!



And.. breathe.

Anyhow. Having played the senario out in my head all evening, and even when I woke in the middle of the night, annoyed I hadn't said certain things, and so on, I woke this morning, and it suddenly clicked. I don't need her friendship, not if she can act like that. And just because I have lost her friendship, there's no reason why I have to mope. None at all. Today I woke with a fresh view, a fresh outlook. My day-to-day life had become a little stagnant to be honest, I suppose cabin fever had set in. Each day, I am going to arrange to get out of the house, either in the morning or the afternoon. This morning I went on the buggy walk which the SureStart Centre do each Thursday morning. And in the morning/afternoon we are inside, I will do a fun activity with Robert (and maybe Christopher, weather and activity depending!). This afternoon we will make biscuits. He really enjoys making them, and then seeing them cook through the oven door. And then of course eating them! :)

We made some a few weeks back.







Tomorrow morning will be playgroup, which S has come to in the past, but hasn't for a good few weeks now, so I'm not anticipating she'll go again, but even if she does, the hall is plenty big enough to ignore her. Then in the afternoon Jonathan should be home early, as he's been working up extra hours this week, and tried to head into work early the last couple of days. So we might go out somewhere, or maybe he'll do something fun with the boys while I have a well earned relax - maybe a bath!! ;)

This weekend we are seeing my dad and step-mum. I can't wait, they absolutely adore the boys, and Robert particularly has got to the age where he LOVES seeing his grandparents, and the lucky boy has THREE sets!! He adores talking to them on the phone, and sometimes even brings me the phone and says "Ubberd eek Dadad!" (Robert speak Grandad)

It would be lovely to go out somewhere with them where Robert can run around and we all get a bit of fresh air and exercise! Something I intend to get a lot more of. Healthy and fit by summer, ready to play with my two gorgeous boys!