Big delay in update!

Well it's now May, Robert will be 2 and a half at the end of the month, and Christopher will be 8 months two days later. The boys have been lovely at times, and challenging at times, such is the job of "Mother" ;)

Christopher has begun to crawl, of a fashion anyway! He is most definitely able to move forwards to get at something he wants, and is able to get where-ever he wants to on one level. At the moment it's more of an army crawl, pulling himself along by his arms with a boost from his legs. His new trick of the last few days is getting his legs right underneath himself, and then pushing up on them, locking his legs straight, and lifting his body up so he's on his hands and his toes, and his bum is hiiiigh in the air! It's very cute, and I don't remember Robert doing it to that extent! Robert's was more of a little push up, with a fairly straight body. It won't be long at all before he is zooming around. I wonder if he'll be an early walker like his brother?

Robert is chatting away all the time now, and his sentences get more and more complex it seems. I'm struggling to think of examples though as it's just what he does now, and he talks about everything and anything around him. If he watches something on TV, he is able to talk about it afterwards, and he is able to recall things he did several hours before hand to somebody who was not there with only a little prompting, things like "When we went for a walk around the village, what animals did you see?". His pronounciation for words I notice are getting clearer, but again right now I'm struggling to recall which ones in particular. He now says our cat's name (Hazel) very clearly, exactly how it should be said. Since she has had some problems with her eye, she's had numerous visits to the vets in recent weeks, with another planned for Friday, and most likely another one some time next week. She's had a biopsy taken on a growth in her eye which may or may not be a cancerous tumour :( But she does seem to be more placid and accepting towards Robert lately.

Robert is becoming very compassionate of late. This afternoon, Christopher was over-tired, and was on the floor and moaning/crying while I rushed to get Robert's dinner ready. I came back in when it was finished, looked at him, and said "Do you want a cuddle, Christopher?" and picked him up. I hadn't even stood back up properly when Robert came over and leant his head towards Christopher's head and holding onto his shoulders (how he hugs a lot of the time), and then gave him a kiss on the head. A moment which melted my heart.

He has recently acquired the knowledge that if another child (his brother included) has a toy he wants, it is ok to thrust another toy into their hands, take the toy he wants, and call it "swapping" lol. We are working on getting him to realise that it needs to be a mutual agreement, and that the other child should want to play with the toy he's trying to give them. Even when he learns to wait for the other child to accept the toy, I'm sure that in his mind, it will very much be a selfish act on his part in that the only reason he wants to swap is because he wants that other toy.

When it gets to bath time, Robert climbs up the stairs, and I follow behind with Christopher, facing outwards. This lately has become an amusing time for all of us, but in particular, Christopher, who seems to find the ascending figure of his brother hilarious! This continues for a good while, with Christopher in fits of laughter as Robert walks around upstairs, sometimes not really doing anything funny particularly, just walking to or from him. But it quickly turns into a game where Robert will go into one of the bedrooms and then come out shouting "Air!". what the "air" means I'm not sure, maybe "here"? He is rewarded for his efforts easily as Christopher will chuckle away at his sudden appearance, and when Robert moves out of eyesight, he waits eagerly, bouncing on my knee, until Robert returns. It's really very sweet :)

Anyway I'll leave with a photo of my two boys that I got made into a canvas print for our anniversary last week.

29 weeks 5 days - cat is still sick, fears about motherhood

Ho hum, Hazel is still sick. Total count now since yesterday is 3 piles in the living room, 2 piles on the duvet (one either side), 2 piles under the cotbed, and 2 piles at the foot of the bed on the carpet from where she's thrown up over the edge of the bed. I've booked an appointment for her at the vet this afternoon, since the Katalax hasn't seemed to have worked, and it wasn't an iffy can of food (fresh tin this morning despite her only having one bowlful out of the one yesterday - unless the whole BATCH of catfood is off!).

Poor mite, she was meowing round me all yesterday, obviously starving but then she'd just throw it all up again. She's spent quite a while in the spare room under the chairs in there, which is unlike her, so she does seem slightly more ill than last time she was throwing up, she'd act fine again, and it turned out it was just a huge hairball stuck in her throat which was making it difficult to eat anything. I know this isn't "baby" related, but it's still hard on me. I hope it means I'll be a good mum when Robert gets here, that I'll be patient and understanding, and not getting myself into a complete tizz whenever anything bad happens.

I do have a lot of fears about my ability as a parent. I know it's normal, and that every new mum feels that way, but I really do... I am an incredibly lazy person. I usually let the washing up build until there's no more clean stuff in the cupboards. I don't do loads of washing until it's absolutely necessary. I sometimes only have a bath or shower only once a week (washes inbetween with a flannel).

I fear for my ability to cope with a tiny screaming baby, with the lack of sleep, the constant nappy changes, clothes changes, constant washing loads being done and then no means to have them all dry in time (no tumble dryer!). I fear for my ability to breastfeed. I have watched lots of youtube videos detailing how to latch a baby onto the breast to feed. But what if I don't have enough milk? What if it never comes in? My mum never had enough milk for my brother.

I know I will love my little Robbie so much, I already do. I just hope that my love for him will spur me on to do the things I need to do in order to be the best mum possible for him.

And part of what scares me most is whether Jonathan thinks I will be a good mum or not. If I was ever to find out that he thought I wouldn't be a good mum, it would crush me.

There was a bit in our Hypnobirthing about releasing fears, not only about childbirth, but also anything to do with the baby, and parenthood. Because if you hold onto fears about this sort of thing, it can cause you to be frightened and tense during labour - sort of a natural delaying system "oh no, when I have this baby I will be a parent" (and not only that, but a lingering fear of death or complication can do the same thing) and so the body shuts down and makes labour more slow, and difficult (and therefore painful). There was an exercise she did with us to help us release our fears, through relaxation, I should probably try and practise that more and more. Become comfortable with my abilities. If I have the confidence within myself that I will be a good mother, and if I see myself being a good mother, I will be more likely to BE a good mother. And if I try and do the same with my fears over breastfeeding - it might work as well.

I try to invision myself having a comfortable birth, and in my mind's eye, I can see it working. I can do it. I was reading through the Hypnobirthing book we got given, and I got to the part about visualisation, and how during the surges (contractions), one woman visualised waves on a beach as she was breathing through them. And as soon as I read about that, something just clicked inside me, and I think that's the perfect visualisation for it.

I think I am getting quite good at self hypnotising. Yesterday I laid down and listened to the rainbow relaxation CD we got given, and part of me felt like I had fallen asleep, I don't know if I fell asleep or if I was just so deeply in relaxation I didn't hear huge chunks of the hypnotic suggestions. Apparently it can seem to you like you've fallen asleep, but can still be in hypnosis. This is a little confusing to me truth be told, but I think it's definitely going the right way - once I listened to it and hearing the words made me more alert, and I felt I had to listen to them all. So to fall asleep to them (if that's what happened) is a step in the right direction. I will practise more today, and maybe try the fear release exercise some more.

I will sign off now, just after I let you know that I think my little Robbie is in a playful mood at the moment, I felt what I think is his foot again against my belly button, and as I pressed a couple of fingers against it, I felt it move a little. :) I'm so glad I'm not too fat to be able to feel his movements like that. :)

29 weeks 4 days - not such a good day - Hazel is sick.

Urgh. I know I've been trying to focus on the positives of pregnancy, and not dwell on the negatives too much, but today I'm just feeling completely "bleugh" from everything - the pain whenever I get up from laying down for a while (and every morning it's bad but I let it try not to let it get me down) in my lower back and bottom, the issues I have trying to roll over in bed, with afore mentioned pain, the heartburn I am now getting regularly during the day and not just in the middle of the night from laying down.

Today also my left leg has been so achy for some reason, and I have also been armed with kitchen roll and carpet stain remover practically all day - because the cat has decided (okok that's horrible, she didn't decide, she just is) to be sick. Three times. In six separate places. One of which was on the duvet. Which I really can't be bothered to change today because I feel so tired. Instead I just gave it a thorough scrub with the carpet and upholstery stain remover/cleaner. I'm not giving her any more meat today, and will see how she is with just the iams biscuits we have left for her in her bowl. She's brought up everything she's eaten today so far, so best not to give her any more meat for now. I've also smeared a little Katalax on her paws, incase the reason for her being sick is hairballs.

I guess it's good practise for when Robert arrives. But still, just feel like crap today, and finding it hard to notice let alone appreciate Robert's little squirms. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Unless Hazel is still sick. In which case I'll ring up the vets to make an appointment (3rd vet appointment in 2 months - lucky her).

Brother's birthday is in 5 days - should really make sure to send a card out to him this weekend. That was more a note to self sort of thing, hopefully writing it down will help me remember easier.

Hope you're all ok. TTFN.