5 days left

In just 5 days, I will no longer have a 2 year old, but will have a 3 year old instead. It makes me feel very emotional, because I just can't believe that almost 3 years ago, I had the most eventful day (and following week) of my life. Just two months ago, we celebrated Christopher's 1st birthday. It was a wonderful day, and unlike Robert's 1st (and 2nd) birthday, I did not get emotional at all. I guess because with Christopher, the birth experience was a joyful experience to me, and it all went wonderfully. I find myself getting that burning welling-up sensation in my throat and eyes just thinking about Robert's birthday. I guess his birthdays mean so much more to me because we almost lost him, because when he was born, we thought we HAD already lost him. The memory of what happened one, two, and now three years previously is still etched in my mind, and while it is becoming more distant, it will always be a reality for me.

After the ride in the ambulance, legs and feet sticky with blood from the birth, in a nightie and dressing gown over the top, sliding around on an uncomfortable seat, where I found it hard to really come to terms with what had happened, nor the baby in the carry case beside me with the paramedic, I spent the journey stealing little glances at him, while trying not to fall off the seat, my mind numb. I distinctly remember the midwife who came into the ambulance with us telling me that it was "ok" for me to cry. Did she really think I was holding back tears to appear brave? When we finally got to hospital, I was put into a wheelchair, and Robert was whisked off to SCBU. I was taken into a room, my legs cleaned a bit, and then assessed for pereneal damage, and consequently stitched up. While I was there (not while I was actually being stitched up though, thankfully) the doctors came and gave an overview on what was happening with Robert, I remember laying there in emotional numbness, being told that my son might end up with brain damage, that they would need to monitor him and that he would need furthur tests. My mum came in during the stitches, which she found rather disconcerting, seeing some woman's head between my legs haha! But I was glad at the distraction she provided. She told me that Jonathan's parents had arrived, and had gone to see Robert and Jonathan. I asked her to phone my dad and let him know.

After it was all done, I was allowed to bath, and it was lovely slipping into the hot water, and strangely therapeutic to see the bath water turning red as my body became clean. Thankfully, after a while, Jonathan poked his head in, and I asked him to help me out. I felt so weak I had to get him to help dry me, and then as my nightie I wore to the hospital was covered in blood, I put on a rather fetching hospital gown, luckily I was going back into the wheelchair. Jonathan wheeled me to the SCBU, to see Robert properly for the first time.



I was greeted with a baby in an incubator, strapped up in wires to his hands, feet, and one on his chest, monitoring blood flow, oxygen levels, breathing, and temperature, and administering fluids and antibiotics. I was told that this was my baby, but he didn't feel like mine.

I can't remember whether it was before or after I went in to see him that I saw Jonathan's parents in the little waiting room outside the SCBU. I was there in the wheelchair, and chatted lightheartedly with them. It was so surreal. I guess it was after, because surely Jonathan would have taken me in straight away.

That night Jonathan spent the night in my room with me. I was glad, we spent the night crying with each other. The emotions finally caught up with me, having seen the baby they said was mine, that he was alive, and in no immediate danger to his life, although the severity of his brain damage was yet to be seen. We cried for all that had happened that day, for all that might happen in the future. We were given a private room, thank goodness. I heard babies crying from the wards during the following days, which cut me, but not too deeply, as I knew even though he wasn't next to me, he was ok.

The next day, I put the baby to my breast. I wanted to breastfeed, I told the nurses in SCBU that. But it didn't feel as I thought it would.



Still, every four hours I would go down and put the baby to my breast. Sometimes he would take it, sometimes he wouldn't. When the doctors told me they wanted to give him formula until my milk came in, I told them it was ok, as long as it wasn't given by bottle. So they taught us how to feed him by cup.



After a few days (or what felt like it), the doctors and nurses told us it was exhausting him to cup feed, so they inserted a tube down his nose to feed him the formula. They showed us how to do this too, by pulling out some stomach fluid with the syringe, to test the acidity (to check that it was in his stomach and hadn't come out), before pushing the formula through the tube down into his stomach. Before each formula "feed", he would have a nappy change, which was interesting when he was in the incubator and you had to try and do it with your hands through the arm holes, then I would put him to the breast, and then he would have the formula. Eventually he latched correctly, and at 4 days post-partum, when my milk came in, they took out the tube and told me he could have just my milk from then on. During the first few days I did only go down when I had to, every 4 hours, for the feeds. I knew I could go down more often, but I didn't want to. Something that thinking back made me feel very guilty, but given my emotional state I guess it wasn't unsurprising.

On the Thursday I believe it was, Robert and I went by ambulance with the neonatal nurse Angela to Northampton General, to have an EEG taken of Robert's brain activity. It all came back normal, and while it was done he was good as gold, and nursed to keep him calm and happy. When we got back to Kettering, Angela showed me how to bathe him, as he needed one - well a hair wash really, as the EEG had made his hair sticky. That afternoon he came up with me back into my room. His feeding tube was out by then of course, and there he was in the cot, in my room, all feeds and all nappy changes and all comforting was MINE.



That was when he started to feel like MINE I think, while he was in SCBU it felt like I was borrowing him, sitting with someone else's baby. When he came upstairs with me, part of me couldn't believe it, I kept staring at him, thinking "wow, he's mine, he's really mine!" but still didn't feel right picking up up to cuddle him.



Finally, at 6 days old, Robert was signed off and we got him ready to take home. It felt strange, like we were being given keys to someone else's house. I knew it was OK that we take Robert, he was ours, we had permission, but it didn't feel quite "right" if you know what I mean?

Robert was asleep the entire time we got him dressed to go, and all the way home and stayed asleep until early hours the next morning.



Reliving it all makes it seem crazy to me that this was three years ago. That that baby is now a boy, a completely normal 3 year old boy in every respect. We are so lucky that despite everything, he had no brain damage whatsoever (well, there is always the possibility of some learning difficulties in the future, but nothing outside the normal parametres that any child could have).

From this...



To this...



Wow. Tell me again, where has the time gone?

Robert's 2nd birthday

Well, it's a tad late... *ahem* almost 4 weeks late! Robert's 2nd birthday came in 2 parts. He saw his grandparents (my dad and step-mum) on the Sunday before his birthday, and also my brother and sister-in-law, and my nephew. He was fairly spoilt, got lots of cards, presents, attention, etc.





My dad and step-mum arrived in the morning, and he enjoyed opening his presents (and was much more adept this time!)

Around lunchtime, my brother,sister-in-law and nephew arrived. They live a fair drive away, but they visited one of my sister-in-law's friends the day before and stayed overnight in a hotel. My nephew Ewan is 1 year older than Robert, and when it comes to birthdays, it seems that this isn't the best of age gaps!! While Ewan this year was calmer than he was last year, Robert didn't want Ewan to play with his toys! Stephen and Nicky bought Robert a train set (compatible with the one we got from tesco before), and both boys wanted to play with the trains.





Robert got very upset though when Ewan wanted to drive a train on the track Robert was playing with! It was a verrrry stressful afternoon with this basically going on all afternoon, and Robert was in tears for most of it :(

The cake (recipe grabbed from Alice - thanks Alice!) was lovely, and Robert was in awe by it (probably the size! lol!) and knew exactly what to do, as he watched his Daddy blowing out his birthday candles only a month before!

The cake ended up with a mushroom top, as it was a LOT of mixture, and I didn't think to trim it!! But so yummy.





Again, I found myself with tears pricking my eyes as I took the cake in to Robert, am I the only one who does this? I expected it with his first birthday but not with his second! He seemed to like his cake, I cut him a slice, it was thin, but still quite big for the boys, but ah well, if he can't eat a big slice of cake for his birthday, when can he? :) The cake did about 20 slices in the end!



He didn't have a nap that day, he was so worked up and excited, we didn't bother as we could just tell it'd all end up in tears. And boy, by the end of the day he was SO tired!

The next day he was much happier, he spent the whole morning (maybe even the whole day, I can't remember!) playing with his new trainset. He loved it!









He really loves his new trains, and thus began his huge obsession with trains! I would have loved to make him a train cake but I just wasn't confident enough in my train-cake-making abilities! lol! He got a few train cards which he loved driving along the floor!

On the morning of his birthday, he came downstairs to this:



He made lots of appropriate "oooh!"s and "wow!"s as he came down the stairs and saw it. The smallest present was a tub of playdough cutters, with some playdough in as well, and a rolling pin. The medium size present was a toy garage for matchbox cars (which I had spent about 20 minutes building on Sunday night, and wrapped Monday night), and the largest one is of course a trampoline. We don't have much room in the living room, so it stayed downstairs for a few days, and then went upstairs in his bedroom (which has a little bit of room, but eventually I think it'll have to go in the garden/garage, depending on the season! Especially when we move Christopher into Robert's room)

Later in the morning, we decided to take Robert out, there was a soft play attached to a restaurant, and we thought we'd go there, and then have lunch. We'd been watching the morning viewings on Cbeebies for the birthday cards, but it hadn't been on. Jonathan set up his computer to record the card viewings incase his was shown while we were out, and it was! I got a text as we sat down to eat lunch from my friend Sarah saying "We saw Robert on TV! He's famous!" lol! He enjoyed the soft play, but it being Tuesday morning during term time, we were the only ones there! Jonathan got to go in with Robert, which was probably just as well, because Robert seemed quite overwhelmed by it all (but did enjoy it, especially their ride-on Thomas the Tank Engine! Which we didn't put money in, we wouldn't have got him off of it otherwise! We let him sit in it as much as he wanted though lol)







The Saturday after we went to see Jonathan's friend, and their daughter, who turned 2 a week and a half after Robert did. They played much nicer together than Robert and Ewan did, although there were a few tears again, but not nearly as many! They enjoyed playing together, especially when they got running around the sofa (this is one of Robert's favourite past times! When I take him to a playgroup on Friday mornings which is in a big hall, he plays well for most of the morning, but usually within the last half an hour, he instigates a game of running around the hall, which usually attracts at least 3 other children to join him!!)





They brought him a tub of Potato Heads. He was absolutely fascinated by them!







And he also got a farm with some animals, from Jonathan's parents. He LOVES his farm animals, and says to me at LEAST twice a day "Mama, ay arm!" ("Mummy, play farm!"), and brings me his day-dee oop (baby sheep!) and will sit and make all the noises. He likes to let his sheep eat his breakfast (if we let him bring them up to the table!), and the sheep will often get its nose covered in marmite! :)



So yes, my biggest boy was thoroughly spoilt for his birthday! But he loves his new toys and it's so lovely seeing him enjoy them all!

Another quick photo of Christopher, he is now 12 weeks old, but here he is at 9 weeks old, shortly after I dropped the shower head on his face :( Quick call to the NHS Direct made me feel better, and it cleared up completely about 2 weeks after I did it.



He's so lovely and scrummy, I can sometimes hardly stop myself from kissing him!

My big boy is now 2!

I can't believe I now have a 2-year-old. Although he is only a couple of days older than he was before he was 2, just knowing that he's reached that milestone makes him seem older in my eyes somehow. He is so grown up, and I know I keep saying it lately, but him talking more and more, which somehow wonderfully co-inciding with his second birthday, makes him even more so!

Every single day lately I am marvelling at his speech, his confidence, and his joy that I am understanding more of what he is trying to get across. Even in these last few days some of his pronounciations have become clearer and more like the words they are meant to be. "Please" has, since he started saying it, been pronounced "izz" and usually repeated several times, so "izzzizzzizizz". Today, when he asked for milky, or tv, suffixed with "please" it has been "ease". He is now regularly joining several words together to say what he is thinking about, seeing, doing or wants. "Mama eat oooma" was one of the things I heard today, meaning "Mummy eat satsuma".

His new verbalising is providing me with lovely and amusing insights to his world, finally getting a clue what he is thinking about while he is playing with things. This morning, he was walking around upstairs with a dustpan he found, touching it to the floor several times, and saying "gig, gig, gig, gig" meaning "dig dig dig dig" so he was either using it like a spade, or pretending to be a digger!

I really would rather do a big birthday post once Jonathan has uploaded all the photos from Robert's birthday, but while we're on the subject of Robert's talking, I'll mention that he got several train birthday cards. Robert is VERY into trains right now, and I would have attempted a train cake had I been braver ;) One of the cards he got was a HUGE train card, which was the shape of a train, and while yesterday he was infinitely more interested in his presents, today, he enjoyed playing with his cards, especially this large train card. He was telling me regularly about his "igg ain gard" (big train card), and enjoyed driving it along the floor, bouncing it on his new trampoline, and opening it like a "gook" :)

It is all so sweet!

He is also so comfortable with Christopher, and has accepted him so thoroughly and wonderfully. He is such a lovely big brother! For the most part, Robert will play by himself and not notice Christopher or interact with him, but occasionally he will ask for him, and want to cuddle him, or show him a toy, or if he cries in his bouncer, Robert will go up to him and rock it, or start talking to him. Today I was holding Christopher on my knees while I was sat on the floor, and kissing his cheeks. Christopher was obviously hungry, as he latched himself onto my lower lip and began sucking away. Robert saw this, came up to me saying "Broo-ah iss" (Christopher kiss) gave me a kiss, and then gave Christopher a kiss, and then wanted Christopher to "kiss" me again!

I sat down to feed Christopher, and Robert clambered up next to me to nurse as well. I'm so pleased that he is still enjoying nursing, I think it has really helped him to bond with Christopher, and accept him, and I know there are a lot of people out there that think that nursing a child past the age of one is a selfish act on behalf of the mother (women force their toddlers into nursing afterall, way beyond the time a child actually wants to nurse.. *rolls eyes*), and in some respects there probably are selfish reasons for me continuing to nurse Robert. One being that it makes my life easier, with regards to settling Christopher into our family, the ease of not changing things. Another being that it will probably be helping my weight loss (1 stone down since Christopher's birth so far!). And probably the one most people think of that mums continue to breastfeed, I enjoy the closeness and the cuddles. Robert is now so independant, even if he hurts himself and needs comforting, he rarely actually gets comforted by cuddles. Sometimes the only way to calm him down is to distract him and get him playing again. Nursing is one time he willingly comes up to me, lays down with me, and we get that physical closeness and quiet time.

It's been 2 years today that I first breastfed Robert. I think in some way Robert's birthday will always be a little bittersweet for me because it will bring back memories of what happened, and remembering that I didn't actually hold him properly until he was over half a day old. It's one of those things that will be around forever, I just hope it won't taint the day for me. One day I will hopefully find peace in it all, that it was just the way my little boy was destined to come into the world, maybe to make us appreciate him all the more, to make us more thankful each day for him. The "what ifs" in the first day swallowed me up. Now, the what ifs make me feel worse when I actually think them, knowing who Robert has become, and what we would have missed out on. But at the same time so thankful that if that was the way things were meant to be, we were still meant to be his parents, meant to bring him up, and he is here with us, delighting us each day. Maybe the key to acceptance is just acknowledging that things happen the way they happen, everything is for a reason. Maybe Robert's birth happened that way to show us how strong he is, how special, and to help us appreciate him all the more. And to prove to us each year that his birthday is an amazing reason to celebrate, not to get swallowed up in the "what ifs".

So excited!

My biggest boy turns TWO on Tuesday. I am so excited, but so sad that he is growing up so quickly. These past two years have been the best of my life, and also the hardest. I love everything about him, and what he has helped me to become.

Before I became a mother, I was selfish, I was lazy, I had no real purpose or drive. I'm still a little lazy, but I am a lot less selfish, and I have the best reason to get out of bed now in the world! I love my cheeky monkey so much, I find it hard to describe. He sometimes does things I don't like (what toddler doesn't?), and I sometimes find it frustrating or exasperating, but it doesn't make me love him less, in an odd way, when I think about it, it makes me love him more! Maybe not RIGHT at that moment in time, but overall, it does!

I think about him, and realise how lucky I am to be his Mummy. Not least because he is such a gentle, kind little boy, he takes things on board very quickly, and I think this can't be all parenting (I feel like it would be arrogant for me to assume responsibility for him generally being a charming little boy, I think he was just born this way, although hopefully Jonathan and I have nurtured it a little!), because sometimes it just seems like he "knows" what to do. Am I being lulled into a false sense of security? Have the terrible twos not set in properly yet? He certainly does paddy a bit when he doesn't get his own way, if he takes a toy from another child and we make him give it back for example. I guess though I just think of such behaviour as normal for a child of his age, and try not to make a big deal of it, or let it define him as the child who "always takes toys off other children", or get frustrated with him for doing so.

Anyway I've got side tracked a little.

His speech just goes from strength to strength lately. It's not uncommon to hear him say things like "Dada eed gook" (Daddy, read book), or "Gah-gee izz" (Milky please) or "More ick Mama" (more drink, Mummy). Yesterday we were driving past some large buildings, one of which had a taller section on one end, and from the back seat, we heard a gasp, then a little voice piping up "Oooooh! Gig bow-ah!" (Oooh, big tower!) He can tell us if something is red, blue, green, black, and occasionally yellow or pink. He's not so sure on orange or purple. He now requests songs and sings along with us! "dee-goh dee-goh eeee dar" being one of them - guess the song, you win a virtual pat on the back if you get it right! He joins in the actions to "wind a bobbin up" (so cute!) and the wheels on the bus, and likes making a diamond shape with his fingers during the whole of twinkle twinkle. Him learning to speak, and his rapid development is just astounding, and is one of the things that more than anything else, has made him seem to have grown up loads in such a short space of time. Because he was walking at 9 months, still a baby!! Walking didn't seem like such a big boy thing to do, but talking, wow, definitely seems like he's grown up so much now!

I can't wait for Tuesday, when he turns 2 properly, although we've had a small birthday celebration already today for him with my dad and step-mum, brother, sister-in-law and 3 year old nephew. I felt a tear prick the corner of my eye again as I took in his cake and sang happy birthday to him, which I was not expecting to happen! I can't wait til he sees his presents on Tuesday! We've bought him a trampoline (he's started BOUNCING on the bed and sofas!), a wooden garage for his matchbox cars, and some playdough cutters and a rolling pin.

How I love my BIG little man!

36 weeks 4 days - midwife home birth checkup and antenatal, J's birthday

Ahh ok, midwife has just left, but will talk about last night first and then the appointment later.

Since I don't work and any money I spend Jonathan essentially pays for, I decided instead of "taking him" out for a meal, where he would essentially pay for it, I thought I would do something that showed a bit more thought. So I planned what I would cook, check what I needed, and I actually bought a lot of the stuff at tesco on the Saturday. I cooked him a meal (that actually turned out very nice!!) of garlic chicken, stuffed with cheese and onion, wrapped in a rasher of bacon.. with a creamy garlic mashed potato, veg and creamy cheese sauce (which I made from scratch! Go me!).

He came home shortly before I'd finished cooking, so I made him go and find some nice romantic music hehe. :) Then on the table I'd put a vase of flowers, a candle, two posh glasses to have a non-alcoholic fruit juice cocktail I'd made in, and we turned out all the lights and had a lovely candlelit dinner. :) It was delicious (if I say so myself! haha), and was so nice. :) Then I asked him if he wanted some dessert, and went out and got a cake I had made earlier in the day, lit a candle on top, and brought it out. :) The music was still playing so I didn't sing happy birthday. The cake was nice, but it wasn't as fluffy as it could have been - I needed to have whipped it some more, but ah well. :)

Then afterwards he opened cards and presents from other people that were hanging around, and then after that, the ones from me (which weren't actually that exciting, he said he needed new shirts so I bought him several new shirts). Then we watched his choice of film (Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels). By the time it had finished I was actually very tired, I hadn't really had time to nap at all during the day. So while he was watching Dead Set - the Big Brother zombie thing - I went upstairs, caught up on a few emails and then after J came up we went to bed.

So a very pleasant evening :)

Anyway, onto the midwife appointment she came for a visit to talk about home birth and stuff... She said foremost that I have to be between 38 weeks and 10 days overdue to be considered for a homebirth. Otherwise I'd have to go in. So it's not the 37 weeks I'd heard elsewhere... oh well. She went through all the protocol, about transferance, about some limitations with the community midwifes and depending on who was on call etc. Something I wasn't too pleased about was that she said "if someone else is giving birth and there's not enough on call midwives to come out to you, you may be asked to go into hospital." I didn't say anything to Bev but at the hypnobirthing classes, Jenny told us sometimes they do do that, and a midwife had told her off the record that if a person was to say under those circumstances "No, I'm staying put, you'd better send someone to me" they'd have no choice but to find someone to send out to you.

She also mentioned about Vitamin K, and they were saying how it's either given in oral doses spread out over a couple of months (!) or in an injection within a few hours after the baby is born... I'll have to do more research into that I think because I don't feel comfortable having my 2 hour old baby having a needle stuck into his leg, like the transition isn't hard enough for the wee little things!! So if I was to give it to him I think it'd be orally.

One thing I did like was that she acknowledged the hypnobirthing we'd been doing and she said the midwife would try not to say much at all to me unless it was necessary.

Anyway once all the homebirth talk was over, she started on my antenatal. BP and urine fine again, I told her about the swelling I'd had in my ankles and the trips I had had last week to the GP. Then she felt my tummy, Robert's still head down, not only that but he's 3/5 engaged!! He measured 36 weeks again which is back to normal but he's also engaging, so wow, yeah. :) She checked his heartbeat, and I was surprised, it was so fast! Much much faster than I've heard it before, but Bev said it was normal, it was 160 bpm, and constant over the time she listened.

I mentioned to her also that I've been getting a few days where he's quiet a lot of the time, and then a few days where he's very active, she said as long as I'm getting 10 movements a day it should be fine. I've not actually been counting his movements. Ooops!

Anyway she said my next appointment I'd have to go down to the surgery for (bah), which is in a couple of weeks. She said she'd also pop by next Wednesday to drop in a home birth pack ready for the midwife who comes when I'm in labour. So very exciting! Lets just hope that Robert lets us have the home birth I want for him!

36 weeks 3 days - Jonathan's birthday, lots of sorting to do! :)

Jonathan's had to go to work today because he's got no more time off work this year (he's taking two weeks off as paid holiday for when Robert is born, as the statutory paternity pay is a huge pay cut for him and he'd rather take the time off as holiday than paternity). But this works out well for what I've got planned for him, as I can sort it out while he's at work today, ready for when he gets home! :)

Yesterday I didn't really get off my feet at all, and paid the price... ho hum. So today I must remember to take breaks if I can at all (should be possible as I'm up already, already had breakfast, and ready to start), so I'm not in pain for when Jonathan is home.

Of course the timing of a certain high street shop with J's presents will be important, but hopefully as long as they're not too late - ie before about 5.30pm - it'll fit in ok. I was actually quite pissed off with them yesterday, I got an email saying that "one or more" items were out of stock and had therefore been deleted from my order (!!) they didn't say which one(s), and didn't even say on my website account with them! I had to compare the dispatch list to the list I printed out to work out what was missing :S And also, for supposedly one of the biggest high street shops, you'd expect their communication on when things get delivered to be good... I got an email saying my items had been despatched, but not when their date of delivery would be.. I assumed since they were despatched on Friday I'd get them by Monday latest. But No... I had to sign in to the online account I made with them, and look there, which I wouldn't have done if they hadn't mysteriously gone out of stock with one of J's birthday presents! You'd think they'd mention on the despatch email the date of delivery too... *sigh*

So yeah was rather miserable yesterday on finding that out. But it's a new day, so I'm feeeeeeeeelin' goood! (Haha that song popped into my head, one of the X factor contestants sang it on the last programme)

Just sent J an email ready for when he gets into work (although he may have already got into work), saying that I hope his day doesn't seem too long but at least he has tonight to look forward to ;) So he knows he's not been forgotten ;)

And then tomorrow morning we have the midwife appointment. I am wondering how big little Robbie will measure then! Maybe still 2-3 weeks ahead, or maybe more! If more, I'll be measuring 40 weeks! Haha. :) I think I am bigger than I was 2 weeks ago so I'd be surprised if he's measuring the same (and therefore on target) as last time.

Part of me is hoping I'll be early, because I am feeling more and more big. It doesn't help there's a bunch of boxes on the landing ready to go up in the loft, and the position they're in means that I have to squeeze past them with my big baby belly... my bottom sliding past the bedroom door frame, my belly sliding past the boxes... argh! ;) Maybe I can persuade J to put them up in the loft first thing tomorrow morning before the midwife is due to come.

Also if I am early it'll mean the gap between Robert's birthday and Ewan's will be furthur apart, meaning having grandparents over for birthday parties won't be an issue. Although I have no saying over it, if Robert's birthday ends up on or right near Ewan's I'm sure we'll work things out. It'll probably end up like my mum will be over with us and my dad will be over with Ewan. It seems that way anyway judging by how they're already acting. Plus my mum has said to me she doesn't really feel like a grandparent to Ewan, and that she'll probably feel closer to Robert. It's kind of how I feel as well - Ewan doesn't feel like my nephew. I don't get updates on him, I don't get phone calls (since whenever I do phone they're always busy, trying to settle him, have visitors over, etc etc - so I leave it to them), I wanted to know more about Nicky's pregnancy with him but she wasn't interested on telling me. As sad as it might sound, I feel closer to the children of the diarylanders I read than my own nephew.

Ah well, time will tell what happens I guess.

Anyway, morning is stretching on, and I need to get sorting! Oh, and excellent timing, the delivery has shown up :)

36 weeks 2 days - swelling update, hypnosis, braxton hicks (lack of!)

It's J's birthday tomorrow, and I'm still waiting on an order with his presents to arrive! Arghh! Apparently they were dispatched Friday afternoon, so I'd damn well hope they'll arrive today! Got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow, what with the surprises I have to prepare for him. Although he may have an idea what they are since we went shopping yesterday and there were some "odd" items on the list! Hahaha! But I won't spell it out since I think he did read my diary yesterday and he might again today! You'll have to wait until Wednesday before I tell you. Hehehe.

I'm feeling quite chirpy lately. Even despite having to get up last night for peeing, heartburn AND suddenly getting a sicky feeling in my throat. Heh. But I am loving Robert's squirms. It's strange, on the november forum I read, someone was saying how her little one hiccups lots too and she doesn't like it, and how she will miss his kicks and squirms but not the hiccups. I was thinking lately how although the hiccups sometimes do annoy me (the constant blipping feeling down in my tummy can be very disconcerting!), I do still like them (not as much as kicks and punches and wriggles), and I will certainly miss them. But sometimes they are nice reminders that he is in there and still ok (!!) even when he doesn't feel like wriggling.

I am terrified beyond words that I could lose Robert before he is born. Of course losing him at all would absolutely devastate me, but to not be able to hold him and watch his tummy rise and fall, to watch his precious face sleeping, or looking around with beady inquisitive eyes. I just hold on to each and every movement he makes, every kick, every punch, every stretch and squirm, every bout of hiccups. And treasure each and every one.

About the swelling - I am trying to take it easier lately. Although some days I don't lay up most of the time and therefore I do get balloon ankles by the afternoon. It's a lot less often I get pains in the sides of my feet from walking on puffy feet/ankles, and if I do get them, I go and lay down immediately. I'm trying to drink more too, even though it means I go to the toilet over 10 times a day. But the short of it is that I'm coping with it. And I'm thinking less about it too, and letting it get me down less.

I'm now definitely onto the thinking about getting the house sorted. The back room is still quite messy. We have the changing table up and stocked full of nappies, and wipes, and powder, etc. The next job for me will be to sort out a hospital bag (Can't be too careful!!! Although I am hoping for a home birth there's no saying that I won't have to go in! Either because of special circumstances that arise during labour, or because of premature labour. If I go into labour this week I will have to go into hospital!

That's another thing thats worrying me. People are talking on the November forum about how they are getting really strong braxton hicks all the time now. And for me, I get nothing! Well, occasionally I feel like my uterus has tightened up, but apart from me feeling it with my hands, I cannot tell! I don't get any outside sensations... I'm absolutely terrified I won't actually KNOW when I'm in labour! Unless of course the labour sensations are stronger than my braxton hicks if you can call them that. Maybe it will take me a little while before they start becoming stronger, as most of the November women are due before me (as they would be really, with me being at the end! Haha). I guess I wait and see!

Oh! Something I didn't mention last entry was that Jonathan put on one of his new albums he got for his birthday - a Sarah McLachlan one. Some of the tracks were - odd... and rather upbeat, but as we were listening, he would skip over those ones. The other ones were lovely. And after a while of sitting next to J and listening to them, I realised that I had managed to put myself into a really deep hypnosis (without even trying!). I was aware of the songs, aware of when Jonathan skipped a song, but I was sitting there, my arms flopped down beside me, my legs outstretched onto a beanbag in front of me, and they just felt like lead, like I couldn't move them even if I wanted to. My feet tingling, my face and body so relaxed. It was lovely! Exactly the state I need to be in when I'm in labour. It took me ages to be able to shake my body into being able to move and get up. One thing I remember though is that even just sitting there I did feel very parched - so J really will have to make sure I'm getting enough liquid.

Ahhh I am really looking forward to it!! I'm so glad to say that I am! :) Not least because I will get to meet my sweet squirmy little boy! Ahhh I can't wait!

22 weeks 4 days - lack of energy, kicks, birthdays

Hello! Back again. I am finding myself increasingly tired again, and wondering if it's because Robert might be going through another growth phase? My energy just seems really sapped - I'm needing loads of sleep lately. Yesterday I slept in til 11am, and felt good for several hours, but then needed a nap around 7pm, just feeling completely drained. Also, last night, I felt SO completely bloated, I guess our meal was quite large, but still, it felt quite foreign to me. It felt to me like my tummy was HUGE, but then I looked down, and it was still the same size as yesterday! What was up with that?! ;) I climbed into bed groaning, and managed a fitful sleep.

Robert is still kicking away merrily in there. :) I laid down on the bed a few times during the day, and put my hands on my tummy - I think this encourages him to kick, he must feel the heat of my hands. I got several kicks that I think were strong enough to feel from the outside! I say think, I'm sure you girls have the same, that because you can feel it so plainly from the INSIDE, sometimes it's hard to distinguish what you feel inside and what (if anything) you feel outside! At least in this stage when the kicks are still quite gentle.

I've been using the maternity pillow J got me for my birthday the last couple of nights - it is extremely comfortable! Even now, without a huge bump! The only problem comes when I need to flip over onto my other side, I need to re-arrange the pillow too.

Anyway, I'll leave it there for now. I need to head into town today, it's my mum's birthday on Friday (we're seeing her Saturday) so I need to buy her a card, and perhaps a little pressie - perhaps some flowers or something. It's also my step-mother's birthday, and she's having a party on Sunday. AND, since these last few months have just been completely time consuming, there's a few kids in the family whose birthday moneys I forgot to send, (twins in January, and a boy in May) so I need to get that sorted as well, as they will likely be at the party on Sunday.

Oh, and just before I go today, I want to say thank you to Becca for that fab link to "Wordle" she put on her diary! I went and made one of my own, and it was surprising the words that came out bigger! And also made me see that I use the word "Anyway" much too often! Haha. And "just".

Here it is, anyway. Enjoy! :)

22 weeks! Birthday, plans for today, etc

Good morning girls! (just)

My birthday went quite nicely. Well after Jonathan got home anyway, before then it was a bit samey, but he got home, then I opened pressies, he got me some nice lush bubblebath bars I dropped a hint on a while ago, and I was SO surprised he remembered! He also bought me a cake tin (hehe) because I was saying how I kept getting urges to make cakes but as we don't have a cake tin, we can't. Also, he found that step thing that had been advertised on tv I said I could do with - the one from JML that folds up and gets put in the cupboard easily. The only thing is, I'm nearly at the weight limit for it :( So I might not be able to use it for much longer since I will gain a lot more weight by the end of the pregnancy, and it will take me over the 100kg - (I'm literally just under it now - between 99 and 100kg). Also got some DVDs and some choccies, and a maternity pillow, that I can use in bed and while sitting during pregnancy, and while breastfeeding! Ingenious things! :)

After presents, we decided we'd go for an early dinner, and there was a Frankie and Benny's right by the cinema in Kettering, so we thought we'd go to the cinema afterwards. Anyway, we ended up having loads of time after the meal before the movie started, so we went back home inbetween, and then came back for the movie, at which point we had real trouble finding a parking space. Doh! But yeah, the meal was soooo nice, we had potato skins to start, then I had an absolutely delicious chicken dish, which is on this page but I can't link it directly - it's the mozerella and pepperoni stuffed one. And then had brownies and cream for dessert. The film we went to see, Hancock - was brilliant! A bit of action, a lot of comedy, and also some nice romantic bits in it too, awww. :)

I also when we got back sent another facebook message to my sister, because it seemed that when I apologised for how much I yelled at her on the phone, she took it to mean I was apologising for what I said as well, which I wasn't, since I was still annoyed that she told my dad for me, but just that I should have waited until the morning before yelling (or not actually yelling, but talking more civilised) at her. And yes, I was more upset at my sister than at my dad, and while I understand she only did it because she was so excited about getting another nephew, she's 24, and should be able to control her emotions by now lol.. but yeah I don't know the exact reason I was crying because of the phone call from my dad, whether it was because I was upset that he was upset, or upset because I wasn't the one to call him, or upset for forgetting he was not working very much, or upset for not sending him the text (which by the way didn't say the sex in it, just "We know what it is!" so I don't know if he thought I'd sent a text saying "It's a boy!!!" to everyone except him). Or maybe just a combination of all of them. To be honest I don't even know if my sister actually told him the sex, or if he was just annoyed that he didn't get a text message, or if he was annoyed that he obviously didn't get a call before her. Anyway, what's done is done, and there's no need to dwell on it furthur.

Today, if the weather holds out, we are going for a picnic, probably, or if not, I've suggested that we go out shopping for some things for Robert :) Or maybe we could do both! But I would like to go and buy a few little bits for Robert I think because all we have for him clothing wise is the three babygrows my dad got us from France. Size 3-6 months ;) So we'd need to at least get him an outfit for the hospital and trip home, etc, and possibly just a set of normal baby grows etc to start us off. And it would be lovely to get some nice blue stuff to umm and awww over! ;)

Anyway, will leave it here, but just before I go I will say that Jonathan felt Robert kick again last night, although it wasn't as strong, he said it just felt like my belly shaking a bit, like when you laugh. The kicks he felt the night before my birthday were a lot clearer, so I'm guessing Robert wasn't in as good a position this time!

Hope you are all well! Until next time!

Ok, small edit, we're going to do some weeding and spare room sorting today, as the weather's quite windy, although dry, and then tomorrow we're going to head over to the mothercare in Northampton ready for opening time, buy some bits for Robert, and then head over to the in-laws for Sunday lunch, who live in a small village just a few minutes out of Northampton. So a nice productive weekend hopefully. :)