Too despondent.

This post is too despondent for facebook. That's where all my day to day stuff about the kids go, but it's not a truly open outlet, I feel judged when I use it to share negative feelings. I feel like that people would rather I just shut up. So here I come, to a more closed place. I've been feeling really quite down for the last week or more. I've been having conflicted feelings about whether I want another baby or not. My heart says yes, but my mind says no, because I feel quite often that I can't emotionally cope with the three I have already. I texted Jonathan at work one day last week, telling him to just go and get an appointment for a vasectomy, because he doesn't want any more kids, and I shouldn't have any more going by what's in my head. He basically said no, because he didn't know if one day he might want another, and he didn't want me to resent him. And one day he might feel ready for another baby, he just wants to make sure we are both ready.

The problem is, I just feel that maybe a vasectomy would give me some closure. I'm pretty sure he doesn't really ever want another baby, he just feels he may come round to the idea in time. I don't know what I need right now, I'm just fed up with being in limbo I guess.

Jonathan has done everything he can to cheer me up. Lie ins, cooked breakfast 3 times in the last week, stashed yarn for me to find. Only problem is, I've lost my cro-jo. (Like mojo, but crochet related) I mope all day, I find interacting with the kids really really hard. Worry about how I come across all the time when I have to leave the house for school runs (and don't leave it aside from those times).

I feel like right now, I am just existing. And that's a horrid feeling to have.