I've been feeling the last day or so that I'm having trouble bonding with the baby. I feel his kicks, and I feel happy because that means he's still ok, but aside from that I don't daydream about him, or have any of the lovey dovey moments I'm sure I had with the other two.
When I refer to him, I sometimes say "him" or "he", but mostly say "the baby". He doesn't have a nickname. Robert was Sausage, and Christopher was Squidge, but this one is simply "the baby". And he does have a proper name... which we don't use at home, because we don't want Robert to know incase he blabs it out, we want it to be a secret until the birth. We don't even really use his name at night when the boys are asleep. Part of me is wondering if I'm questioning that he's a boy... yet feeling resigned to it. Part of me is wondering whether I am not calling him by name because I'm trying to avoid it - because it's still not a name I would have chosen myself. And whether all this is making me feel detached.
I don't really feel excited about the baby... Well part of me does, occasionally. Like today I put a newborn snowsuit on the boys' doll because he's been coming with us to nursery, and I felt bad him just being in a vest (!!). And in this snowsuit, with just the doll's face showing, I felt strangely broody, and cradled the doll like I would a baby, and even at one point, involuntarily kissed it!! But mostly, I just get on with things, and planning for the baby isn't really happening, although we will have to think about beds soon to get the boys used to new beds before the baby arrives. It's mostly sorting things for the house, getting the last bits of the conversion done, that sort of thing.
I hope it's just that with two boys already, things are just hectic, plus all the things we want to get done before May as well.
I have to admit, much as I will hate myself for it, I know that if our next is a boy (or a third even more so) I will be disappointed. It's so hard because I know I should just be grateful for every gorgeous baby I have no matter what gender (and I am, and I will be!!!) but I think as a woman it's natural to want a daughter and we shouldn't feel bad for being a tiny bit sad if that's not meant to be. I would have been more sad if I'd never gotten to have a son so I'm pleased to have that one sorted at least hehe! As soon as your new little boy joins your family, I know that you won't even be able to imagine feeling this way and you'll just be so overjoyed that he's here! How amazing to have three little brothers! X
ReplyDeleteps - i'm sure it's a long story and probably none of my business ;-) but why are you using a name that you're not sure you like? perhaps you would feel more bonded if you felt better about the name? x
ReplyDeleteI promised Jonathan that if he agreed to baby 3 (and possibly 4) that we'd name the next baby this name if it was a boy, as I had vetoed it twice before. He won't budge and has even got it down somewhere as his name.
DeleteI'm sorry you're feeling a bit disconnected. I bet a lot has to do with the fact that you're already chasing two littles around. You don't have the same time as you did before to completely dote on your belly. And regarding the name thing, can there be a compromise? Middle name? Thinking of you!
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