Well..

My period arrived yesterday. Which makes it a 35 day cycle. I guess the longer the better now, since we are officially NOT trying for a baby anymore. For now. I started spotting on Saturday so I knew then that was that.

I'm feeling quite sad. But accepting I guess. Just sad for my "could have been" baby, sad for me a little bit. But I know deep down that it's probably for the best.

I had another session of CBT this morning, and J had an appointment at the doctor too because the last few days, he's been really down and upset, depressed even. He's had a load of bumpf to look at about depression and a health questionnaire to fill in. He's getting blood tests done, and has another appointment on Friday.

We are going away on holiday next Monday. I hope we are both feeling better by then, that he is feeling better and that we both enjoy it.

Things I need to factor in are socialising for myself with other mums. And couple time with J.

We went to J's parents house yesterday. It was father's day but J hadn't got anything for his dad. He told him so on the phone and S was fine with that. He got an "I Love You" and a hug from J though which apparently he hasn't had in years, so that probably was one of the best presents he could have got anyway. It was so hard seeing J upset around his parents. So odd seeing my husband towering over his parents, and being comforted by them. We had a good talk in the garden after tea, about various topics. We haven't had a lot of talks like that lately. We are both so worried about each other, and trying hard to be each other's rock.

I know for me the focus is the boys - to the extent I sometimes forget about myself. That's something the counsellor at CBT helped me see today. And those moments I do go upstairs for 15 minutes while the boys watch TV downstairs, I feel *SO* guilty about. Like it's my dirty little secret that I leave them downstairs while I come upstairs and muck about on the computer, and abandon them. I do feel that. Even now while I am blogging and they are quietly watching TV I feel bad that I'm neglecting them.

There's so much to work on, I want to give them my best, and after today's session I think I realise that I have to put some effort into ME and my relationship with their dad as well as them.